Pacing around the room did nothing to elevate my nerves. The second I saw the little "sent" sitting underneath the message bubble, I was steadily growing anxious. Just like every other time I've done something like this, it didn't truly register in my head until I completed the somewhat impulsive, and definitely not carefully thought through, task.
Texting her like that, what was I thinking? I knew Jisoo was right, that one last try wouldn't hurt, but what if it did? I mean, how would I feel if someone I desperately wanted out of my life kept coming to me, kept finding ways how to get closer to me. I'd probably get a restricting order. It was creepy and not to mention completely invasive.
But after what happened last time, I was sure that a part of her didn't hate it as much as she tried to pretend. I mean, she couldn't have, right? Not after she let me do... that. Not when she kissed me first.
Which brought me to another point, not lessening the anxiety one bit. Lisa kissed me. She was drinking, but she kissed me. She wasn't wasted, that much was clear. And she seemed in control of her actions, or at least I thought she was.
But what if she wasn't? Would that mean I took advantage of her? What if she didn't even remember what happened between us and was completely confused why I would text? Well, more than she would be, anyway.
She wasn't drunk though; I kept telling myself she couldn't be. Even though I never saw a drunk Lisa, what I witnessed the other night was not drunk behavior. And from what Jisoo told me, drunk Lisa acted much differently than the Lisa I encountered three days ago. But why would she kiss me then? She hated my guts, so why would she do that?
None of the things that happened made sense to me. The doubts and the questions I wasn't even sure whether I wanted answers to. But most of all, the realization it brought.
I, a married and not to mention a pregnant woman, had sex with someone else. Even if I hated Chanyeol with my whole being, not once has the thought of cheating on him crossed my mind. It was just, immoral. And the fact I was also expecting his child was all so messed up to me.
And as much as I tried to tell myself she was the one who started it, that she was the one to kiss me first, I was the one to kiss her back. I was the one to touch her and to drop to my knees to... No matter who made the first move; I did that. Despite everything, I did that.
None of it made sense. It's like the thoughts in my head were puzzle pieces that I just could not put together because despite all of them looking the same, there was just one that fit the picture.
Lisa, the woman who was supposed to hate my guts (and clearly did), kissed me. No matter how many times I've said that in my mind, it just felt so surreal. There was no way that it was real, it was like a dream. A very vivid dream that I couldn't get out of my mind no matter how hard I tried.
I couldn't get the taste of her out of my mouth. I couldn't get her scent, mixed faintly with the smell of alcohol, out of my system. Because even though I wasn't near her for over seventy-two hours, I could still smell her scent as if she was present. I couldn't get the feeling of her smooth skin from underneath my fingertips as every breathing moment I wasn't doing my hardest to focus on anything else, I could feel her.
The sounds of her moans and whimpers were always present in my ears and my mind, replaying repeatedly, driving me crazy. I had to admit; it was, by far, the sexiest and most arousing sound I have ever heard. It always has been. And now, hearing it again, it was hard not to think about it. Consciously or not.
If before she was all I could think about, then I wasn't sure what this was. One thing I knew, though, was that even though I tried not to, she was all I was thinking about the past three days.
The rich color of her eyes darkened with lust. The way she struggled against my hands, squirming to get hers out of the hold to touch me. Or the way she tremored when she was close to her climax, my tongue pushing her over the edge. My fingers tangling in her hair as I pulled her closer when I kissed her. Her hands cupping my cheeks as she mumbled against my lips when they crashed together.
All of it, I remembered so clearly. Not just the physical things, but the way all of it felt, too. It was like one of those groundbreaking moments that just etch their way into your memory and stays there permanently.
I remembered the way butterflies caused an irrefutable ruckus in my chest when I felt her close. That despite being so angry at her at that moment, I couldn't let go. How every inch of me screamed to feel her, and how my skin begged to feel hers. I remembered the way my heart rate didn't slow down the entire time, instead only picked up its pace whenever my fingers dug into her flesh. And I remembered that despite her feelings for me long gone, mine only intensified as I watched her come undone before my eyes.
Everything I felt was so intense. So much so, that I found it painful, especially when panic overtook me each time I would think about what I've truly done. We fought, she said some hurtful things and so did I. I pushed her as tears streamed down my cheeks, yet I pushed through into her apartment.
She mocked me, degraded me, insulted me. I couldn't take it anymore. Couldn't take her hurtful words, let her insult the people I cared about the most. The ones I told her about when I shared my most vulnerable part with her. Yet, knowing how hard it was for me, she used it against me.
I slapped her. For the first time, I got physical. Not just with her, but with anyone. It was the first time I retreated to violence. My palm stung as it landed on her cheek, with a sharp sound resounding through the loft, leaving a red imprint on the flesh. I could see the anger rising in her, the hatred burning in her eyes, as she clenched her jaw hard, resisting the temptation of hitting me back.
The second it happened, a part of me regretted it, but I pushed it aside. However, the more time has passed, the bigger the regret became, and I made a point to apologize to her for it later, even though she had it coming for what she has said.
And yet, despite the anger, despite the fact that I slapped her, she kissed me. She surprised me, and she kissed me. Out of nowhere. Out of rage. Maybe out of loathing. Perhaps as payback. I wasn't sure. But she kissed me, and I could feel the venom on her lips as they slammed against mine.
I pushed her away. As soon as it happened, without hesitation, I pushed her back, angering her even more. And she just stood there, her shoulder rising and falling rapidly as she tried to catch her breath among both rage and what I assumed to be adrenaline, as she panted heavily. But she just stood there, watching me, anticipating my next move.
And then suddenly, not even knowing where it came from, I kissed her. I pushed her up against the door as I devoured her lips, my own anger taking over me with the aggressive way I was kissing her lips. With the way my teeth sunk in the supple flesh, eliciting more than just moans of pleasure, but also hisses of pain. And for whatever reason, that made me like it even more.
I tried to convince myself that I was just deprived of control, that I wanted to get back at her, hurt her even. But one doesn't do that by making them orgasm all over their tongue. Not only that, but I couldn't pretend like that sweet feeling of finally feeling her again wasn't there. Not necessarily the sex, but just being able to be so close to her. Being able to kiss her again, to feel her against me and mingle my breath with hers. I couldn't deny that the same butterflies in my stomach and the fluttering of my heart weren't there as our lips connected, even if the kiss was anything but tender.
No, I couldn't deny it even if I tried hard to. Lisa elicited those emotions just like she has three years ago. And I was sure that it was partly, if not entirely, because they never left in the first place.
I had a lot of time to think about all these things when I got back home from her apartment. Or when I was telling it to Jisoo over the phone. Even when I was looking up at the ceiling, unable to fall asleep. And I guess now too, as my feet haven't halted in their rapid pace, walking back and forth across the room. It's like my mind didn't comprehend that even though I was walking around the living room for the past, what felt like hours but was realistically maybe fifteen minutes, the time wouldn't pass quicker.
But I couldn't help myself. The second I sent that text, and of course haven't received a reply, I was restless. There was no way I could just calmly sit down and read a book. Or play the guitar while I worked on the songs Jennie gave me. No, I couldn't do anything else but be on overdrive as the wheels in my head kept spinning, and I kept glancing at the clock as if the hour hand has moved up to the number twelve in the past five minutes, even though it's been just a little past nine the last time I checked.
The time was ticking and hours passed by. Soon when I looked at the time for what felt like at least the thousandth time, the time has actually moved up and showed that it was past eleven. And though I was usually tired, and could barely stand this late at night, I was anything but drowsy. There was no way I could feel any exhaustion when all I could hear was my heart trashing in my ribcage maniacally with each passing second.
For all I knew, Lisa could just be making her way up in the elevator. She could just be parking her bike nearby. Or she could just be back home, getting wasted and watching trashy tv shows. I did not know what she was up to, but I would wait until midnight to, possibly, find out. Because whatever the outcome would be, she just had a few minutes left as it neared midnight. And I knew that despite not really expecting her to show, I would be despondent if she didn't. Because a part of me, no matter how small, allowed itself to hope foolishly. And it set me up for disappointment.
Life wasn't a movie, no matter who the "main character" was. Life didn't work in ways books and films led us to believe. If I were to go to an airport, the one I most longed for wouldn't suddenly show up before security just as I got through, screaming my name. It wasn't full of clichés and happy endings. Life was harsh and cruel, and more often than not, there was no rainbow at the end of a storm..
So when the minute hand finally showed that it would turn midnight in five minutes, I knew she wouldn't show. Because this wasn't a plot of some trashy tv drama where she would come bursting through the door last minute. If she wanted to come, she would've been here by now. And she wasn't.
It was clear she had time until midnight. Even though I haven't stated that. I mean come on, what were we cast in the play Cinderella? But she had today. I told her I would be done if she didn't show any effort. And I guess this was my answer to the unspoken question - did she really want me to stop?
I stared at the clock, my frown deepening and the corners of my mouth falling each time the second hand shook until it shook for the last time that day. It was officially the day after, and Lisa didn't show. I was done. I didn't expect her to show, at least the bigger part of me didn't, but the small one that hoped, that one overtook my body the second the day has ended with the heartbreaking realization. She was gone. Completely out of my grasp. And I've done everything I could. She was over it. And no matter what anyone said, she didn't want me anymore.
...
An obnoxious and loud knocking at the door shook me out of my sleep. Looking around in confusion, I realized I must've fallen asleep on the couch, and I rubbed at my eyes sleepily, willing my body to move and stop the annoying sound that woke me up in the first place.
As I got up and started making my way to the door, mumbling (because I didn't have the energy to raise my voice) that I was coming under my breath, I cast a quick look at the clock on the wall. It was just after one in the morning and I wondered what psychotic lunatic has decided to bang at my door at such hour.
Naturally, being grumpy from both the disappointment and being woken up from sleep, I swung the door open with a scowl on my face, ready to shoot daggers at whoever was standing on the other side.
But all that has changed the second I realized just who was standing in front of me.
"Hey,"
"I-" I cleared my throat, my voice hoarse from sleep, "I didn't think you would show,"
"I didn't either," she admitted quietly.
Realizing we've been just staring at each other for a while after she confessed that, I shook my head and stepped to the side, "Sorry," I mumbled, "Come in,"
"Thanks," she spoke softly and entered the spacious penthouse apartment, "Sorry I woke you," she apologized as I closed the door and walked towards her.
"You didn't," I lied and watched the raven stop looking around, taking in the "happy and luxurious" living I had, and gazed over her shoulder with, unexpectedly, a gentle smile.
"Your hair is all tousled and you have sleep in your eyes,"
"N-no I don't," I contested, running a hand through my hair, attempting to comb it out.
"Whatever you say, Chaeyoung," she rolled her eyes and looked away from me again.
I couldn't believe she was actually here. That she was talking to me so calmly as if we were old friends who merely just haven't seen each other in a while because of drifting apart, instead of me leaving her high and dry. And not just once, at that, but twice.
It was a drastic change from all the times we've spoken before, and I wasn't sure what to think of it. Was it just like last time when for a fleeting moment we acted decent with each other? Was this calm before the storm? The storm that would probably be the biggest yet?
Because though Jennie and Jisoo could accept it, I was sure Lisa would have a much harder time doing that since our relationship was entirely different. Since I've hurt her much more than the two Kims just because of her insecurities and fears alone. Not to mention she was my girlfriend at the time.
Jennie was just a friend who I knew for a few months, and though I hurt her friend, she could forgive me when she learned my reason. Jisoo knew me for years, and so she knew I wouldn't have left like that without having a damn good reason. But Lisa... Lisa, I've known for just months, but during that time, she gave me all of her. She shared all of her and trusted me unconditionally. This was so different, and it scared me to even breathe loud in case it would trigger her and remind her of the things I've done.
"What are you doing here?" I asked nervously.
"I got your text," she shrugged as if that was enough explanation why she showed at one in the morning.
"I waited until midnight. After that, I just couldn't anymore. I really thought you wouldn't come and see me."
"I really didn't want to. And until a few minutes ago, I was sure I wouldn't,"
"Why did you change your mind?" I inquired curiously, but at the same time, I feared her answer.
"I don't know," she shrugged and after coming to the understanding she wouldn't look at me, I came closer, standing next to her and seeking her eyes, "A part of me does actually want to hear the excuse you'd come up with, I guess,"
"It's not an excuse. I told you that,"
"And why should I believe you, huh?" she looked at me finally, and I could see the hurt in her eyes as she stared me down, her forehead creased.
"I never lied to you," I whispered.
"But you never told me the truth either,"
That one hurt. It hurt because she was right. Unknowingly, she pierced my heart with a sword for the nth time. I've lost count now because she's done it so many times, and truthfully, ninety-nine percent of the time, it was justified. But that didn't lessen the pain. Even if I knew what she said was true.
And I stayed silent after that. I didn't know what to say. I couldn't argue and therefore, I was quiet. Nothing I would say would justify the fact that despite her trusting me and opening up to me, I never did. Not to that extent.
"I wanted to," I mustered up finally.
"But you didn't," she stated simply, "I thought you trusted me, that I was different. Yet you never told me any of this. Who your family really was, that you would have to go off and get married to some dude. You never told me you were more than an average college student, who I thought you were. Why? Did you really not trust me at all?"
"I-"
"Actually, you know what," she cut me off, "I don't want to know, don't tell me."
"Lisa-"
"I said don't," she barked.
After a while of just standing there, she ran a hand through her hair in frustration, with a heavy sigh leaving her parted lips. I watched her for a moment as she was clearly undergoing a fight against herself, as she tugged at the roots of her hair in frustration, before pushing it back with her jaw clenched, trying to calm herself with deep breaths.
I knew this was hard for her and all I wanted was to reach out. To put a reassuring hand on her shoulder and tell her she could take all the time she needed. But I knew that would be the wrong move. That all that it would do was get us into a similar situation we found ourselves in last time, before things escalated.
So instead, I gave her space. Space and time without telling her. I opted on watching her instead, trying to mask the hurt I felt when I saw her in what was clear to me, as so much pain, and not being able to do anything about it.
That's probably what hurt the most. Seeing the one I loved in so much pain and hurt so severely, but not being able to do anything more but stand by and watch as they were crumbling apart. And the worst part, that I was the reason for it all.
"You know," she spoke suddenly, her voice laced with sadness and desperation. Like she came to the end of a road and didn't know where to turn anymore, "I came here to listen to you, but I don't think I can. No, I know I can't. So I'm just going to talk instead,"
Knowing she wouldn't want me to speak, I just nodded my head instead. And when her head turned around again so she could look at me, I gasped silently as my heart shriveled up in pain. Lisa had her eyes glossed over. She was hurting so badly and she was letting herself feel in front of me. Sober and all, she was being vulnerable before the person who hurt her the most.
"You hurt me so much, I kept telling myself you didn't deserve any of me. And I tried to hate you, I tried to recall all those times you made me feel like I wasn't enough after you left me. Yet, despite wanting to hate you, a part of me still cares. A part of me still fucking misses you and I feel pathetic. Because I'm supposed to hate you, I'm not supposed to care. It's not supposed to hurt when you're the one who made me this way.
Yet, I still fucking do those things. I still catch myself thinking of your smile, of your laugh, or the way time seemed to stop when your eyes connected with mine and everything else went blank. I try to get by without you consuming all my thoughts. I distract myself and fill my time with things I don't even enjoy, just so they preoccupy my mind with anything else but you. And yet, somehow, I see you in everything.
I would lie if I said you were all I ever think about, but though I have a hundred thoughts, you're still ninety-nine. And even in that one thought that isn't about you, you linger in the background, reminding me I can never let go," she confessed, her voice breaking as she continued.
"But what hurts the most isn't that you left me. It used to. It tortured me to no end, leaving me in tears day by day. It was painful, but what hurt, even more, was when I realized, here I was, crying my eyes out for you, when you were a world away, living your life peacefully like you haven't destroyed mine.
What hurt me was that I spent my days missing you, despite the horrible things you've done to me, wishing you were by my side because in spite of being the one who inflicted the pain - you were the only one who I wished for, while I haven't crossed your mind once.
That's the saddest part, isn't it? Having your heart beat for someone who doesn't care. For someone who doesn't miss you the same way, who never recalls the times you've spent together watching the stars and imagining a future together. That's what hurt the most, knowing I was the only one, cherishing memories, holding onto them for dear life, while you moved on, perfectly fine."
She couldn't be more wrong. All the things she has said, none of them were true. None of them were me. Not that she had any way of knowing that.
My thoughts were full of her, my mind never stopped reminding me of her presence. It was always her who I thought of. I wasn't living peacefully. Not one day has gone by that I wasn't breaking inside, wanting anything more but to get back to her. Not a single day has passed that I didn't wish things were different.
I wanted to ask her how she could think I didn't care, but it made sense she would. All I've done since the moment I left her showed I didn't. There was no way she could know my heart was beating for her since the moment I realized I loved her and haven't stopped since. Lisa had no way of knowing that every day after the wolf fell asleep, I would creep out to watch the stars and city lights, imagining that one of the lit-up apartments was ours and we were living out the life we both dreamt of together. That we were happy.
If moving on meant being held captive by a rapist and an abuser, and not being able to do anything about it, then yes. I guess I have. But if it hasn't, then I definitely haven't moved on. How could I?
And though she didn't want me to, I couldn't help but open my mouth as all this hurt was flowing straight out of her heart while she did not know how things really were, "Lisa I-"
"I said shut up!" she yelled, tears already streaming down her cheeks, "Please," she pleaded desperately, and I never felt more pain than I did right now, "Just let me talk. If a part of you, even the smallest one, cares, you'll let me do this,"
And as much as I didn't want to, as much as I just wanted to close the distance and tell her the truth - that I never stopped loving her, I nodded my head in agreement again, my heart tearing apart as tears started falling down my own cheeks.
"You broke me, damaged me beyond repair, and yet, I sat in my bed every night, looking at the moon and thinking somewhere out there, you were looking at it too. I talked to it, hoping you would hear me from the other side, but never heard you talking back.
And now I just feel empty. That's probably the worst feeling of them all, right? Being so drained that you feel nothing anymore. Most of the time I don't even know of my own existence. Because I'm not living, I'm just moving around like a ghost, putting on a fake smile while hiding the hurt. And you don't even care. Just like that, you took my heart and threw it against the wall like it meant nothing to you. And I guess it didn't. It's just a shame I haven't realized it before I devoted myself to you unconditionally. Before, I fell for you, head first.
If only I've known that three years later, I would still be sobbing with my back against the door because I couldn't even stand. If only I knew, I would torture myself, drowning in thoughts of what I did wrong, while you smiled happily, not sparing me a thought.
And despite knowing all this. Despite not being present in any conversations I was a part of, the worst part is, a part of me is still yours and will forever be. Because you stole it and had no intention of giving it back. I guess you just liked the thought of owning me forever.
Do you know how that feels Chaeyoung?" she asked, desperately looking for an answer, "Do you?"
"I do," my voice trembled as I cried, her words piercing through me like the sharpest knife, cutting me open, and ripping my heart out.
"Stop lying to me," she begged.
"I'm not-"
"Why did you leave then?!" she screamed, her voice breaking towards the end, "Why, Chaeyoung?"
"I never meant to hurt you," I confessed quietly, "This was never what I wanted,"
"Then why did you?"
"Can we sit down? This will take a while-"
"Just answer the fucking question!"
"Because I didn't have a choice! Please Lisa," I begged the shaking woman who looked like she could barely stand, "Let's sit down. I promise I will tell you everything, just... please."
"You always have a choice," she muttered quietly and let me take her hand as I tentatively reached for it, gently pulling her in the direction of the couch.
It surprised me to see she didn't pull away or attempt to put any distance between us as I pulled her down with me, making her sit in my proximity. Instead, she just sat there with a distant look in her eyes as she stared out of the windows. And though I didn't want to let go of her hand that was still in mine, I knew I had to.
The second our skin was no longer pressed against each other, she gazed back at me expectantly with her big eyes, filled with anguish, searching my eyes that were probably equally red-rimmed as hers. And I didn't waste a second as I opened my mouth, finding my strength in her torment that I wanted nothing more than to soothe away.
"I didn't lie," I confessed quietly, "I never wanted to leave you. And I never wanted to hurt you. All the conversations we shared. All the times we talked about a future together. I wanted all of it. Lisa, you have to believe me, I wanted everything with you,"
"Then why-"
"Shh," I quieted her down now that she had calmed down and all that was left of her outburst was a red-tinted tip of her nose, swollen eyes, and tear-stained cheeks.
"The night I left, a phone call woke me up," I started as I recalled the night from three years ago, "As always, you couldn't be woken up if the world was crashing down and so you continued sleeping. I crept out of the room to take it and heard Siwon, my family's most trusted employee - kind of like a right-hand man, on the other line.
He was always around, and I've known him since I was a baby. He handled everything in our family and really; he was more than just an employee. Siwon was like an uncle to me, a part of the family. So when he called, I knew something must have gone wrong.
I never told you I came from a rich family because, I guess, I didn't want you to think less of me. I know you wouldn't have considered you come from a wealthy family yourself, but; I don't know; I guess I was just trying to escape that part of myself. Ever since Ally died, I didn't consider myself as a part of that and just wanted to create a new life for myself. One that wasn't about my family, but about me.
My family used to own the biggest law corporation in south Korea; Park Legal Services. Ally was always meant to take over one day, seeing as she was older. So I never really had to worry about studying law and could focus on what I really wanted to pursue; music.
But when she died everything has changed, and they insisted I study law so I could be the CEO of the company someday. But after some persuasion, my father concluded he shouldn't force me to be someone I'm not because that could do more harm than good. So he decided he would find someone among his employees that he could trust and train, I guess, who would run the company after he'd retire.
So when Siwon came that night, I thought that that has changed. That my father changed his mind. But then he told me that my parents have died in a car accident. Apparently, they got hit by someone and the driver didn't stop. He just kept going, letting them bleed out on the road. Both my parents died on the scene, before anyone could find them and help.
I was heartbroken because despite not being close with them; they were still my parents. And since their death was sudden, they haven't worked out everything in case of their passing. So I had to go back to Korea. And since they were both known in Korea, I couldn't say a thing to anyone in case it would get out,"
"You could trust me, you know," she whimpered, "You could've left me a note. Anything."
"I know, but I couldn't. I know it's selfish, but I couldn't bear the thought of losing you forever. Because though Siwon didn't say, I knew I wouldn't be able to come back. And I saying goodbye would be like admitting it was really happening. It would become real. I didn't want us becoming strangers, Lisa," I confessed, my entire body trembling with sobs that wrecked their way through, "I guess you're right. I really did like the idea of owning you forever,"
"Shh, don't cry," she spoke through her own tears as she pulled me closer to her, letting my head rest on her shoulder.
"Hypocrite," I hiccuped and chuckled as I swallowed the big lump in my throat.
"Why did you marry him?" she questioned.
"I didn't want to," saying the words out loud for the first time and surprising myself with how easy it was, "I never wanted to marry him."
"What?"
"My parents," I sniffled, "They... it was their last wish, Lisa. PCY's was always their biggest competition. In their will, they said they wanted to end their rivalry and merge instead, so they could become bigger and stronger together, instead of fighting each other. They said that they wanted me to get married to the successor, so we could really become one, that it would be easier that way.
I'm so sorry Lisa," I cried out, "It was their last wish, I-I couldn't just-" a sob cut me off as I gasped for air, my heart clenching in my chest painfully, as I struggled to breathe, "Lisa, I couldn't-... I didn't want to b-but-"
"Shh, shh, it's okay. It's alright, don't cry," she tried, her own voice cracking and warm salty droplets of her own tears falling on my hands as she held them in hers, in her lap. I didn't even notice when she took them in hers, but all that matter was that they were there. That they warmed mine as she stroked the back of my palm with the pad of her thumb gently as she continued shushing me.
"P-please you have to know I never wanted to, I don't love him-" I panted as I tried to get oxygen into my lungs.
My eyes fell shut as her lips pressed against my forehead gently, mumbling against my skin, "I know," her lips lingering for a while before she pulled away and raised one hand up to stroke my cheek, wiping my tears away, "I know,"
With that, she pulled me further into her, letting me bury my face in the crook of her neck as I cried softly, one of her hands holding me in place, the other wrapping around my back. And without knowing when or how, my legs were across her lap as she held me close, shedding her own tears as I shed mine, clutching onto my body as if she was scared I'd fall apart.
For the first time, I felt safe. Safe in her arms as she embraced me, filling my nostrils with her scent and my ears with the quickened rhythm of her heart. She kept me safe by pressing lingering kisses to the side of my face, tightening her hold on me, and somehow always bringing me even closer.
Like always, Lisa kept me safe by just being there. She didn't have to say anything; I knew she understood. That finally, she knew the truth. And it felt so incredibly good. Despite covering her shirt in my tears, she held me close. Despite hurting her more than I thought possible, even after what Jennie and Jisoo had said. After really understanding her pain and discovering it was more than I could've imagined, she held me. She held me, and she didn't let go.
No matter how much my body shook with sobs that never seemed to die down. No matter how many times I shuddered and took a broken breath in, only to hiccup right after. Lisa didn't loosen her hold on me as she kept me safe in her embrace.
I couldn't understand it, couldn't believe it, that after all that, she was still here. Her arms around me protectively, just like they used to be, making me feel like nothing else in the world mattered. Her lips pressing against my skin softly, reassuring me of her presence, nearly making me think that just like me, she never stopped loving me either. And the way she mumbled soothing words into my hair as she rested her head against mine.
If this was heaven, I was positive I never wanted to come down.
And when finally, after what felt like an hour at least, my sobs have turned into quiet sniffles, she pulled away slightly, gazing into my puffy eyes with that tender look in her eyes that I so clearly recalled. It was the same way she used to look at me back then. It was that look that made me speechless and made my heart sledgehammer against my chest.
That's when she opened her mouth to say something, but before any sound had the chance to leave her mouth, she closed it again. Instead, she cradled my head against her chest as softly as she could and I allowed myself to smile, really smile this time, as I took a deep breath in, the scent that was so uniquely her, filling me to the brim.
"Can I ask you something?" she asked quietly after a few more moments of silence.
"Anything," I answered without missing a beat, and I felt her smile against my head.
"Why did you run away?" and before I got the chance to ask her to clarify, thinking I explained it pretty well, she went on, "Three days ago, I mean,"
I gulped. That was a question I knew I could not answer. As much as I wanted to be truthful with her, I couldn't tell her that. But I feared if I refused to, she would just get angry again and leave. And the second that thought crossed my mind, I teared up again. I wouldn't be able to handle it if she left me again.
"Hey, hey, why are you crying?" she panicked, pulling my face away from her chest and cupping my cheek in her right palm, concern in her eyes.
"I-I can't," I shook my head desperately, "I'm s-sorry, I can't tell you, Lisa," and with that, I attempted to stand up, to put distance between us because if she was going to leave, I had to leave first. Otherwise, I would completely fall apart.
"Hey," she called as she gripped my upper arm and pulled me back down, unknowingly hurting me. And I couldn't stop but hiss in pain.
"Shit, I'm sorry," she apologized, and I could see from the corner of my eye that she tilted her head to the side so I would look at her. But I refused to. Because I knew I fucked up right now. And I knew I would see the wheels in her head turning once I'd look at her. And I wouldn't be able to feign indifference. That I could tell her I was fine when I'd look at her. She could always see me. No matter how much I tried to hide.
"Chaeyoung?" she asked quietly, "Are you okay?"
Not wanting to lie to her, at least not verbally, I nodded my head, refusing to meet her concerned eyes.
"What happened to your arm?"
"Nothing," I said in a hushed tone, muffled by her shirt as I buried my face back into her chest.
"Chaeyoung," she called, but I only tucked my face into the crook of her neck to shield myself from her view completely. It didn't seem to work though, as she backed away, holding my cheek in her hand, "Look at me,"
Very slowly and cautiously, I lifted my gaze and met her suspicious eyes, "What happened to your arm?"
"Nothing," I affirmed, not breaking the eye contact.
"You're lying,"
"I'm not," I lied.
"Show me your arm then," she dared, and I knew I was screwed.
"Are you trying to get me out of my pants, Manoban?" I joked, trying to lighten the situation and distract the Thai.
"Chaeyoung," she warned, the tone of her voice, however, remaining gentle and concerned as if she was fearing what she'd see.
Not knowing what else to do, I rolled my eyes in feigned annoyance and pulled the sweater down over my right shoulder, exposing my upper arm, "Nothing, see?" I smiled reassuringly and covered it right back.
"I meant the other one," she wasn't phased, not falling for the poor attempt to fool her. I just wished she'd drop it.
"Lisa, there's nothing there,"
"I'll believe you when you show me," she argued, not relenting.
"Stop being silly," I chuckled and attempted to scoot away from her, but her hand stayed on my back, preventing me from moving away from her.
Understanding I wouldn't do as she asked, her eyes searched mine and as soon as they met, I turned my head to the side, breaking our eye contact and making her sigh. However, she hasn't dropped it like I hoped she would. I realized so when I felt her fingers slide up my arm to my shoulder.
There was nothing I could do anymore. Nowhere I could go. And I couldn't fool her either, so with my eyes closed shut, I let her hook her fingers in the collar and drag it down my left shoulder.
I knew exactly when she saw it without having to see her because of the horrified gasp that left her lips when her eyes landed on the purple bruise. Her fingers touched my shoulder and carefully glided down, skimming over the contusion. And though the touch was barely there, I hissed through gritted teeth as pain spread through my arm. The bruise was still fairly new and sensitive.
After she stayed quiet for what I assumed to be far too long, I cracked an eye open before opening both to look at her. Her jaw was clenched, burning holes into my arm as she stared at the bruise, barely blinking.
I could no longer feel her palm on my back, but a balled-up fist instead, and I could tell she was getting angrier the longer she looked at it. Therefore, I attempted to put my sweater back over my shoulder, but she stopped me as soon as I moved by holding my wrist, much gentler than when she grabbed me before.
"Did he," she seethed through gritted teeth and looked up at me as she spoke the other half of her sentence, "do this to you?"
"Lisa," I attempted to calm the younger woman, but she was having none of it.
"Did he?!"
Immediately I went silent as her voice raised, flinching at the tone. I hated it when she yelled.
She seemed to notice instantly as her voice grew soft again, "Chaeyoung? Please," she begged, "Is he hurting you?"
"It's nothing Lisa," I disregarded and this time she let me pull my sweater back over it, covering the hand-shaped bruise.
"That's not nothing," she contended, but I wasn't listening to her anymore. I couldn't.
However, just like every other time, she knew exactly what was going on in my head and placed her fingers under my chin, moving my head so I couldn't not look at her. And the pain in her eyes shattered me.
"Is he hurting you?" she repeated, and this time, I wasn't able to lie. Not when she looked at me like that.
"God! Fuck, I- fuck!" she tried to control her voice not to be too loud, I could tell, but she was failing miserably, "Motherfucker! How can he do that?! I'm going to kill him, I'm going to fucking kill him!"
"Lisa, don't-"
"How can you live like this?! Are there more?! Is that why you ran away?! Oh god," the realization seemed to dawn on her and I couldn't watch as she figured it out, "Has he forced you to... the baby...," she trailed off, "Is he abusing you sexually too?" she asked cautiously.
And I, not knowing what to do, just shrugged, avoiding her eyes.
"I'm going to kill him," she muttered, "He can't fucking do this to you," she cried out in desperation, "Chaeyoung look at me!"
"Calm down Lisa, please," I begged, not sure whether she was completely livid, broken, or a mix of both, "It's okay,"
"It's not fucking okay!" she lamented, tears gathering in the corners of her eyes, "W-where else has he-"
"Everywhere,"
"Fuck," she wailed.
"Lisa-"
"What?!" she snapped, making me wince. Her eyes softened the second she noticed, "I'm sorry,"
"Can you take me to your place?" I pleaded.
"What?" my sudden question confusing the woman who was looking at me with the overflowing anger and concern still present.
"I don't want to stay here. Please," I added.
"Okay, let's go," she relented quietly and helped me off the couch, her hand never leaving mine.