Am I in your head
Half as often as you're on my mind?
If I don't make sense
Please, forgive me, I can't sleep at night
At least, not alone
I woke up in my own room, alone as usual. And well, I was starting to believe in the possibility that what happened yesterday had been just a fever dream, but my theory was proven wrong when I entered the bathroom and found Natalie's yellow bikini hanging from the shower faucet.
I didn't know whether to feel regretful or pleased; I had finally found a way to calm down my sexual frustration, but the person whom I did it with was the same person that had turned my life into hell.
Watching Natalie come was one of the hottest things I had ever seen in my entire life, but something was telling me this was all a big mistake. And I didn't know if I should trust that hunch.
Of course I decided to believe in what my head said, because last night had been incredible, but I couldn't shake off the guilt. Nat had killed my father, after all.
But now, the way she had called herself a monster was making me question my whole existence once more. What if she didn't mean to kill my father, and she had actually been sent to do it? Or what if my father wasn't as good as I thought he was? There were thousands of possibilities that could put Nat back on the good side, but I didn't know who or what to trust.
I wanted to go for the option of calming the fuck down and stop overthinking, but it was easier said than done. I didn't want to feel guilty for finger-fucking Natalie, but at the same time, I knew it wasn't okay.
We knew each other for, what? Three days? And besides, she had been the first person I ever touched after my wife. This was kind of like a first to me.
I didn't know why I still worshipped and respected my past love like this, but I felt like I was cheating on her by touching another woman. And we weren't even together anymore, but the feeling was still there, making my stomach churn.
I wanted to brush off every feeling and just go numb for a couple hours, so at least I could enjoy the aftermaths of a night with Natalie. But my fucked up brain was such a mess right now.
What if Natalie regretted it? What if she thought she had made a mistake and she was planning on ditching me? I didn't want her to regret what we did, I didn't regret it myself. I felt guilt, yeah, but this had been one of the best nights in my life.
I wanted to repeat it.
But what if Natalie didn't? What if she had just gotten carried away and wanted to get some temporary relaxation and, since I was the only person around, she had no choice but to pick me? Fucking hell, she probably was overthinking like I was. Everything would be so awkward, I didn't-
"Earth to star," Nat's voice snapped me out of my trance, but I couldn't help but chuckle at the unknown nickname. It was cute, uncharted territory.
"Star?" I raised my eyebrows, scanning her face. Her morning hair was so pretty, just like her eyes; they looked a light shade of brown today.
"Yeah." She shrugged nonchalantly.
She looked especially beautiful today, wearing a pair of light-wash jean shorts and a big black hoodie with her usual leather boots. They looked really worn out by now, and I couldn't understand her obsession with them. She could really pull them off though, they were already part of her personality.
"That's... weird. Why?" I flexed my fingers on her knee, enjoying the small touches more than I should.
She didn't push me away when I placed my hand on her thigh, and my heart was fluttering when she decided to start tracing the shape of my rings, going from the golden H to the S and then to the simple silver ring on my middle finger.
"I'll tell you later." Natalie talked in a low tone, and I could've sworn I saw her cheeks tinting of a light shade of pink. Cute.
I smiled, unable to stop myself from blushing too. Her attitude proved to me she didn't regret anything that happened yesterday, and I was glad she didn't. In fact, she had grown fonder of me. Fuck, I had grown way fonder of her too.
I was curious about where she had gotten the nickname 'star' from, even though I could notice the connection and reference. But why would she call me 'star'? A huge-ass mystery.
I was interested in the reason, but not enough to start insisting. Plus, I knew Natalie wouldn't budge regarding the nickname, so it was better to just wait for her to be ready.
"Is there some... mythological character representing constellations and stars and... all that shit up there?" I tried to find the correct words to explain myself, and Natalie nodded almost immediately.
"Astraeus, god of the stars," She said, being dangerously close to me on the couch. Our shoulders were touching, and her knees were bent on a mermaid position. "I'd say he's my favourite greek god."
I squinted at her, smiling slightly. It was impressive how into astrology she was. I really liked the way her eyes glimmered every time we talked about this, and I loved how she trusted me enough to be herself with me. Or was she being herself? I fucking wished she was.
"You're really into this whole stargazing thing, aren't you?" I asked. She smiled a bit before nodding, running her hand through her hair.
I always liked the way the people I loved talked about things they enjoyed. I didn't love her, but I still felt that same feeling and it was the best kind of suffocating. Because her eyes shone every time she mentioned the sky and constellations, and her movements became excited, and her smile grew wider.
I just fucking adored her.
No, I didn't.
I made sure to take in her smiley face once more, because I would probably spend the whole night overthinking and I would put distance between us by tomorrow. I always tended to self-isolate myself just so people didn't get the chance to hurt me. I knew she would, because she wasn't growing fond of me as I was growing fond of her.
I just knew I would end up feeling scattered as fuck, so I really wanted to stop it before it started. But this moment was priceless; I really wished she talked about the things she loved more often, just so I could see that smile of hers.
Stop, Harry, stop. This wasn't going to happen.
Delicately, I patted her thigh before standing up, and she looked at me with confusion while she talked, "Where are you going?"
"I need some air. Today we have the event and shit and I want to be, you know, freshened up. I'll just go for a walk," I smiled weakly at her, giving the best explanation I came up with. I didn't lie, at least not completely.
"Oh, okay," She didn't smile back, raising a bit her eyebrows as if she wasn't expecting me to just... leave.
Well, I wasn't planning on leaving either, but the overthinking had to make an appearance once more, so here I was. If I looked at all the odds, yes, I was definitely going to get hurt, but I just wished I wasn't such a compulsive twenty-four-seven overthinker.
So yeah, I was walking on a crowded beach mid-Barcelona while tugging on the roots of my hair. I didn't even know what was wrong, because there wasn't anything going on between Natalie and I except for a quick fuck. A quick fuck didn't mean anything, why was I making a big deal out of it?
Lack of affection, that was why.
I had made peace with loneliness, and now that someone was around, everything was way too confusing. The problem wasn't Natalie, it was me and my fucked up mentality that had me chasing after a woman that had left months ago. If only she knew how much I fucking loved her, or at least that I still did...
She wouldn't care, because the feelings weren't mutual.
For fuck's sake, why the fuck couldn't I get over her? Why was she more special than the rest of the people surrounding me? Why did she feel different? Fuck, fuck, fuck, I wanted her to leave my thoughts as soon as possible.
Would she ever though? I mean, it had been eighteen months and a small part of me still thought she'd come barging into the room and say something funny, with that humor of hers. But as far as I was concerned, she could've been dead and I wouldn't have a clue. After all, there weren't any notes or text messages that morning when I woke up on my own.
Without even noticing, I found myself promenading through busy streets. The sidewalks weren't for houses, but for shops and restaurants. This was, by far, the most crowded place I had been in ever since I started working on the Perkins case.
And fuck, that brought reality once again.
Fucking Natalie was far-gone wrong, I had definitely screwed up this time. The whole point here was to stay away from her as much as I could and, last night, we weren't what's called 'distanced'.
Jesus Christ, I had already lost my job and won a place in jail in less than seventy two hours. Just perfect, exactly what I needed. Lunar had forgiven too many drunk nights and late arrivals, this was my last strike.
Natalie had quite literally ruined my life, and I wasn't mad at her for it.
This was way beyond my sane judgement.
A woman snapped me out of my trance when she stood in front of me and called me by the name 'señor', and I noticed she was carrying a large cardboard with a bunch of different design anklets, necklaces, bracelets and other accessories. She was showing it to me, and I was moving my eyes across the jewelry.
"Are you looking for anything specifically?" She smiled at me when she noticed her products actually caught my attention. Her pronunciation was terribly bad, probably because she was Spanish. She looked really sweet, so well, I couldn't help but smile back.
She had dark skin and brown hair, and she was kinda crouched down given her age. She had a slightly grown buzz cut and she was wearing a loose handmade dress.
"Not really. Everything's beautiful," I said, and a specific necklace caught my attention. "Oh, my god."
A gold chain ending in a rose that hung by its stem, and it was the same color as the string. It was so delicate, so beautiful, and it reminded me so fucking much of Natalie. I didn't want it to remind me of Natalie, I was trying to get her off my mind, but the pendant had her name written all over.
"How much is that rose necklace worth?" I kneeled a bit to hold the little flower and examine it better.
It was, in fact, beautiful.
"One dollar, señor." She nodded eagerly. I had zero experience in spanish, so I didn't know what 'señor' meant and why she kept calling me that, but I guess it was some polite nickname or something.
"I'll take it," I took out my wallet to retrieve a one dollar bill, and she accepted it in exchange for a little package with the accessory inside.
I thanked her, and I was in a good mood again. I had forgotten everything I was overthinking about, and now it was nothing else but me almost waltzing through the streets back to our house. I kept a stupid smile on my face and whistled a melody that came to my mind, one I didn't know and was probably inventing.
The melody was kinda sad, emotional maybe, but being performed only by my whistle made it slightly cheerful. I liked it, it was nice. I could even pull something out of it if I tried. It would sound good on piano.
I walked through the streets and finally arrived at the beach house, keeping the necklace on my jean pocket. I wasn't quite sure what I'd do with it, because if I gifted it to Natalie then she'd think things that weren't true.
So I decided I'd just keep it hidden for a while. I had no idea what was the point in that, but seeing it just made me remember her and, well, it was a nice reminder.
When I crossed the threshold, Natalie was in the exact same position I had seen her yesterday in; her legs bent over the backrest and her head hanging close to the floor. Well, at least now I knew she would sit in any position instead of in a normal one.
I found it quite cute, though, the way she wouldn't stay still for just a second. I had realized she was a really active person, always moving around quick and steady. But now, we had absolutely nothing to do until the party tonight, so Natalie's way of living was slightly affected.
"You just can't stay still, can you?" I chuckled the minute she turned her head to meet my eyes, not changing her expression at all. She looked... moody. "Is everything okay?"
"Yes." Natalie deadpanned, and I couldn't help but notice the annoyance in her voice. Was she bothered that I left the house? Why was she acting like this?
And maybe, just maybe, I had realized she said 'yes' instead of the usual 'yeahs' she would use.
"Are you sure?" I frowned, trying to find a logical explanation to her mood.
I had a feeling this had something to do with me, but I couldn't understand how. I mean, she did look slightly bothered when I left the house without any advice, but that couldn't be a reason for her mood to drop so drastically, could it?
"For fuck's sake, yes! I'm fine!" She stood up quicker than I expected and threw her hands on the air, leaving the living room and walking up the stairs.
What the fuck?
I stood on the doorway, too astonished to move a single muscle. My eyes were wide open as I stared at the stairs, kinda hoping she'd come back down. Why had she lost her temper so fast? Did I do anything wrong? Fuck, had I already messed up?
Slowly, kinda like I suspected Natalie had put a bomb on the house, I closed the door. My eyes were still wide while I tried to process what just happened, and I decided to go upstairs and check on her. Maybe something was wrong.
I took every step slowly, because I didn't want Natalie to snap at me again. I hated being yelled at. Not because I was scared or shit, but because I'd usually start yelling back - and much louder than I wanted.
When I finally reached her room, I was stopped in my tracks by silent sobs. They were coming from the bathroom, so I hurried my wary pace towards there. And when I opened the door, Natalie was sitting on the toilet seat with her face buried on her hands.
I hesitated in talking, looking at her from the half-opened door. "N-Natalie?"
Her head immediately shot up to me in the door, and I grimaced under her judgemental gaze. She didn't look angry anymore, there was an expressionless emotion behind her glossy eyes, and I was really fucking hoping she wouldn't start yelling again. She was tiny, but she was scary.
"Harry," She answered blankly, her hands hovering next to her face. Her cheeks were moist with tears and her hair was messy.
"Are you okay? What's wrong?" I wavered before taking a step closer to her. Her eyes followed my every move, and she had to tilt her head t look at me before I knelt down and placed my hand on her knee.
Natalie sniffled a bit before lowering her hands. She didn't look sad... she was crying, but not in a sad nor emotional way. I was seriously concerned about her, though.
"I'm okay it's just..." She looked at me but nowhere at the same time, seeming too lost inside her head. I stayed crouched down in front of her, waiting for her answer.
"What happened?" I encouraged her, still wary because I still didn't want her to yell.
She looked at me with defiant eyes, not changing her blank expression a single bit, "My period happened."
Mr. Styles is whipped already
Btw, get ready. Next chapters are going
to be hilarious. And yes, this
period thingy was a decision I made on the
march <333