S I A
Before Rosa 35
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"Puntahan mo na lang ako sa office ng Papa mo pagkatapos mong mag-ayos," ang sabi ni Mama nang hindi ako sumagot sa huling sinabi niya.
"Pinatay ang Papa mo para hindi siya makatakbong muli. Hindi natin pwedeng iwang bukas ang posisyon."
Nang sarhan ni Mama ang pinto ng kuwarto'y napahawak ako sa 'king ulo. Pakiramdam ko'y may tumusok sa utak ko.
I didn't know that my dad died because of political matters. At... sa totoo lang, na-realize kong hindi ko nga alam kung anong nangyari. I've been so out of it since Christmas.
Kinuha ko ang unan sa 'king tabi at itinakip 'yun sa 'king mukha. I groaned and whispered, "Good morning to me."
Mga ilang minuto ako sa ganoong ayos. Iniisip ko kung ilang minuto ang kailangan ko para magising na, para magkaroon na ng pakialam, para makaramdam nang muli. But it didn't come. Wala pa rin akong maramdaman, ni sakit, galit, takot, o lungkot. Pero hindi rin ako masaya.
How is Mama doing this? Politika na agad ang iniisip niya, hindi pa man din naililibing si Papa.
Yes, I used to want that seat. But I was younger then, hindi ko pa completely naiintindihan. If anything, I think I just wanted the big desk at the Municipal Office. Now, though, I know more. I know the perks as well as the dangers of that position. It's not about the swiveling chair and the big table anymore.
I sighed again. Pinilit ko na lang ang sariling kong tumayo at mag-ayos. Gusto ko lang mahiga, to be honest. Pero alam kong babalikan ako ni Mama once mapansin niya na wala pa 'ko. So.
Pagkatapos kong mag-ayos ay pumunta na 'ko sa office ni Papa, kagaya ng utos ni Mama.
Pagdating ko doon, sinalubong ako ng amoy ng sigarilyo. Unang singhot ko pa lang, parang gusto ko nang sumuka. I immediately covered my nose, frowning deeply. Inilinga ko ang aking mga mata para hanapin ang pinanggagalingan ng amoy.
There was an office table parallel to the door. Sa likod nito ay may malaking bintana kung saan kita ang malawak na garden ng bahay. Sa kanan ko ay dingding na puno ng painting samantalang sa kaliwa naman ay isang divider. Nakadisplay sa divider ang ilang trophy, certificate, at medal.
I saw no smoke, though, so the smell must be coming from behind the divider.
May maliit na space sa gilid na nagsisibling daanan papunta sa likod ng divider. Pinto ng banyo ang una kong nakita nang lapitan ko iyon. When I came nearer, the smell worsened. I gagged, which caught my mom's attention.
Nakadungaw siya sa isang malaking bintana, katulad ng nasa likod ng office table. She looked at me in confusion, a cigarette in her left hand.
"Ma, sigarilyo," I said, shaking my head disapprovingly, thumb and index finger still clamping my nose.
"Bakit? May kasama ka ba?" tanong ni Mama habang dinidiin ang sigarilyo sa ashtray sa tabi. Her gaze went over my shoulder.
I knit my brows, confused. "Ha?"
"May kasama ka ba?"
"Wala."
"Good." Matapos niyang patayin ang sigarilyo ay naglakad na siya palayo sa bintana. She went to the bathroom saying, "Kumain ka na muna. Magsisipilyo lang ako."
Sinundan ko lang siya ng tingin hanggang sa isara na niya ang pinto. Ilang segundo ang lumipas bago ko na-realize kung anong ibig niyang sabihin.
"Right..." I whispered. She can't have a flaw. Kahit kasing liit ng mantsa sa damit, o pagsisigarilyo, hindi siya dapat makitaan. My mom is a perfectionist that way. Okay lang naman sana, kung hindi lang niya kami dinadamay sa obsession niya.
Natagalan siguro ako sa kaiisip dahil nang lumabas si Mama sa banyo ay nasa parehong lugar pa rin ako.
"Alesia, ba't nanjan ka pa?"
Tiningnan ko siya.
"Nagpadala ako ng almusal dito," patuloy niya.
Pinanuod ko siyang maglakad mula banyo papunta sa table na pinaglagyan niya ng mga pagkain. It took me a second to recognize the furniture.
"Ma, anong ginawa mo sa mesa?" naeeskandalo kong sabi sabay lapit. I traced the surface with my finger. "Chess table 'to ni Papa, hindi kainan. Ano ba?"
Tinitigan lang ako ni Mama. She's obviously surprised with my sudden burst of emotion, pero 'yung chess table 'to ni Papa. Putting food on it will damage the wood and its carvings. What is she thinking?!
But as upset as I was, Mama only gave me a blank look. She leveled her eyes at me and said, "Alesia, ilang beses ba kitang pagsasabihan tungkol jan sa pagtataas mo ng boses?"
I frowned. "Anong connect--"
Mama shook her head, cutting me off. "Stop talking and eat. Kagabi ka pa hindi kumakain."
I closed my eyes trying to control my anger. I should be happy that I'm feeling something now, but I'm so upset, I want to punch someone instead of celebrating.
Padabog kong hinila ang upuan at umupo roon.
"Manners..." rinig kong bulong ni Mama habang umuupo sa harap ko. Once seated, she pressed her palms together. "Anyway, let's pray."
I didn't move. I just kept glaring at her. I know it's childish, but I'm so upset I don't want to do anything she tells me. Isa pa, naaamoy ko pa ang sigarilyo hanggang ngayon. Nakakawala ng gana ang amoy.
"Alesia."
I cringed.
Nakakainis. Ang ganda sana ng pangalan ko, sinira lang nila. I used to love it, my name. But now, it only reminds me of them and how it makes me feel. Kapag sinasabi nila ang pangalan ko, pakiramdam ko wala akong ginawang tama. Pakiramdam ko wala akong sinabing maganda. Pakiramdam ko lahat ng ediya ko walang kwenta.
They turned my name into a curse word just by speaking it.
"Alesia," Mama said again, but more like a warning this time.
I shook my head and stood up. "I can't eat here. Nasusuka ako sa 'yo." I turned my back at her and left the office. I went back to my room and locked myself in there.
When I turned around, I saw that there's a tray of food on the bed. Lumapit ako at nakitang may note itong kasama. It said, Sabi ng katulong, pinaghanda ka na ng pagkain ng mama mo. But just in case it didn't go well, I've got you. -Raf.
And for the second day in a row since my dad died, I cried.
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Sinubukan ulit akong kausapin ni Mama around lunch. Kumatok siya sa kuwarto ko dala ang isang tray ng pagkain. Inirapan ko lang naman siya at iniwan sa may pinto. I went back to my bed.
"Kumain ka na?" tanong ni Mama pagkasara niya ng pinto. I turned back to her and saw her looking at the leftover of Raffy's food.
"Hindi. Kanina pa 'yan," pabalang kong sagot.
I was feeling better after eating but seeing my mom again brought back my anger. Hindi ko alam kung normal ko lang ba 'tong reaction o dala ng mood swings, pero may part sa 'king nagiguilty. Like I shouldn't be pouring all my missed emotions to her, but she's the closest here so she's receiving it all.
Dahan-dahang tumango si Mama. I was genuinely surprised she didn't chide me for being rude. She just silently moved the empty tray out of the bedside table and replaced it with the one she brought. "Mananghalian ka na," aniya.
I took a glance at the food. Tatanggi sana ako pero nakita kong sinigang ang ulam kaya natigilan ako. I hesitated for a while before giving in.
Binigyan ko si Mama ng maliit na tango at pabulong na okay bago umusog sa may side table.
Napuno ng katahimikan ang buong kuwarto. Ni tiki, nahiyang gumawa ng ingay. My mom stayed seated at the end of my bed, occasionally looking over to me while I ate away.
"Kumusta ang pakiramdam mo?" Mama asked after minutes of silence. Muntik pa 'kong mabulunan sa gulat. But nalang at may dala siyang inumin.
Habang umiinom ako, naramadaman ko ang paglapit ni Mama sa 'kin. Walang pagdadalawang-isip na inilagay niya ang kaniyang kamay sa 'king likod at hinaplos iyon. And out of nowhere, at her touch, I started welling up.
Nagulat si Mama. Tumigil siya sa paghaplos sa likod ko at sumilip sa 'king mukha. Nanginginig ko namang ibinaba ang baso at ginamit ang dalawa kong kamay pantakip sa 'king mukha. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako umiiyak, pero lalo pang lumakas ang aking hagulgol nang yakapin ako ni Mama.
"May masakit ba sa 'yo?" bulong ni Mama sa tainga ko, na sinagot ko lang naman ng isang iling at sandamakmak na huhuhuhu.
Pinagpatuloy ni Mama ang paghaplos sa likod ko sabay tanong. "Bakit ka umiiyak?"
"Ma..." I croaked between sobs. "Si Pa. Si... Papa. Si..."
Hindi sumagot si Mama. I continued crying and calling for my father until I felt something in my stomach. Natigilan ako, dahilan para matigilan rin si Mama.
Dahan-dahan siyang humiwalay sa 'kin at tiningnan ang mukha ko. My mom's face didn't change much. Neutral parin ang expression niya, pero kita ko ang slight na pagdilate ng kaniyang mga mata, senyales na nag-aalala siya.
I didn't noticed those little things before.
"Anong nangyari?" tanong niya.
"Sumipa ang baby," sagot ko.
Mama blinked, the faintest glint of a smile appearing on her face. Maingat niyang inilagay ang kaniyang kamay sa 'king tiyan sabay tanong, "Saang part?"
I took her hand and put it on the spot just in time for another kick to happen. We both gasped at the same time, exchanging a look of pure joy. Napapikit ako, causing a tear to escape my right eye.
"Sana'y nandito ang Papa at Kuya Alele mo," rinig kong bulong ni Mama pagkalipas ng ilang segundo.
Dahan-dahan akong nagmulat at hinuli ang mga mata ni Mama. I took a shaky deep breath and forced myself to ask the question I've been wanting to ask since this morning.
"Ma, what happened to Papa?"
Minimal shifts of emotion flashed across Mama's face, a phenomenon that I must've missed a lot before, but was now witnessing for the first time.
"Sigurado kang gusto mo nang malaman?" tanong niya.
"Is it bad?"
Mama nodded grimly. "Hindi pa rin ako pinapatulog nito hanggang ngayon," pag-amin niya.
Umiwas ako ng tingin sa kaniya. Dumapo ang aking tingin sa dalawang unan sa kama. I took another shaky breath.
"It's okay, Ma. I have Raffy with me," bulong ko. "Please tell me."
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"Are you gonna do it?" Raffy asked once we're in bed.
Hindi ako agad nakasagot. Iniwas ko na lang ang aking tingin.
When Mama left the room after sharing a dinner with me kanina, I took another shower. Halos isang oras akong nag-isip isip habang dumadaloy ang tubig sa 'king katawan. Iniisip ko ang huling sinabi niya bago siya umalis: "The best way to honor your father's legacy is to keep the de los Reyes' name in that office."
Even after dressing myself, I was thinking about it. Inabutan ako ni Raffy sa kuwarto na nakatulala sa harap ng salamin habang nagsusuklay.
I wanted to say no, to tell Mama that I can't do it.
But a part of me wants to. It means so much to my mother, and it meant even more to my late father; I couldn't let it go. We weren't the best family in the world but I understand now where they were coming from. I want to help them, somehow.
I want to help them, in any way I can. And if this is it... I should, right?
"Now, before you answer that, I just want to say that I support you in every decision you make."
Napakurap ako nang magsalita ulit si Raffy. I looked up and met his gaze. He continued what he's saying.
"Kahit ano, See. Susuportahan kita. I promise."
Dahan-dahan akong tumango. A small smile appearing on my face, mirroring his curved lips. "Okay," I whispered.
"So..." he said, tentatively, when I didn't say anything after 'okay'. "Are you going to do it?"
Dahan-dahan ulit akong tumango. "Tingin ko..."
Raffy visibly stiffened. "T-tingin mo...?"
"I think I might," I admitted. "I'm thinking about it."
Kita ko ang pag-iba ng mood ni Raffy. Ilang beses siyang kumurap bago umiwas ng tingin sa 'kin.
Something tugged my heart at the sight. Parang gusto ko ulit umiyak. "You said you'll support me, right?" I asked him. "Ano man ang maging desisyon ko?"
Dahan-dahang lumingon si Raffy sa 'kin. I saw him force a smile before saying, "Oo naman."
I forced a smile back.
I knew he was lying. But instead of pointing it out, I nodded and scooched closer to him. Ipinikit ko na lang ang mga mata ko at bumulong ng, "Good night."
To be continued...
note--
Thanks for waiting, dears. I wasn't feeling myself for the past weeks kaya natagalan ang update. I still can't promise anything kung kailan ang next, but I hope you stay.
Keep safe, y'all.
All the love,
A. 💜