I recommend playing the song once you see the ***. Another longer one so enjoy!
March 21st, 2020
Content.
If I had to describe how I feel in this moment it would be content. My overwhelming fear of being a burden was pushed aside yesterday. I caved in. Now here you lay in my bed sleeping. Your hair is fanned across my pillow. Did you know you talk in your sleep? For once you seem at peace. Although we met not long ago it seems like I could open up to you. You didn't ask questions when I said I didn't want to be alone anymore. You didn't force me to be vulnerable. When I talked, you didn't tell me what I was feeling was wrong. You just listened.
Yes that may be the bare minimum but I don't think I could tell you how much it meant to me. How much it meant to genuinely be listened to. You didn't want anything in return. Not that I have much to offer but if you had asked I would've given you everything I had.
When Harry starts to stir in his sleep I quickly close my journal and set it on my nightstand. He sits up a bit before flopping back down onto the pillow. His head is now facing me, his eyes are still closed and he has the faintest smile painted across his lips. I couldn't sleep last night. I ended up staring at the ceiling all night.
2 weeks until the only place I considered a home will be gone. I've come to the conclusion that it's for the best, my final goodbye. After the meeting with the realtor I hung out in my grandma's bedroom. I cried while sitting on her unmade bed for hours before going into her closet and grabbing a couple of her sweaters that still smelt like her overpowering floral perfume. After I got back home all I wanted was to be numb but as soon as I was about to call my old dealer I could hear her voice telling me she loved me and that only was enough to resist the urge.
That's when I called Harry. All I told him was I didn't want to be alone anymore and he came without another word. We talked until 2 in the morning just sitting on my bed. I found out his favorite color is orange and his favorite food is tacos and pizza.
Our night wasn't all butterflies and rainbows though. He told me about Eric and what he had done. I think I'm more fucked up in the head than before because all I could say was that he should've killed him. I was pissed off at first and scared until I really let it settle in. Eric can't hurt another soul on this planet. I think part of the reason Harry was so open last night was so I wouldn't have to be. I respect his honesty and the fact that he said if I wanted him to leave he would and never come around me again. I considered it but the thing that made me let him stay is when he said that he doesn't like hurting people. When he kills people he's not himself.
I slowly get out of bed trying not to wake Harry, grab my journal again and walk over to the window and open it. It's a cool morning giving it is 5 am. I climb out and sit on the firescape. I bend my knees to my chest and pull my oversized sweatshirt over my bare legs to protect them from the cool breeze. I open my journal and place my pen in between my teeth while I gather my thoughts before putting them on paper.
There's a fine line between good and bad. Who judges whether something is right or wrong? Obviously killing people is wrong but what if it is justified. Same goes for something good though. What if you go and volunteer at a soup kitchen but only because you need community service not because you actually want to give back to your community. It's like yin and yang. There's always some good in bad people. There's always some bad in good people. How do you know when you have crossed that fine line? Can you go back once you've crossed it?
I'm pulled from my writing when a hand touches the shoulder. I turn and see a sleepy eyed Harry. How can someone look so innocent yet has done such horrendous things.
"You okay?" Harry asks me and rubs my shoulder.
"Yeah, I was just thinking." I state and give him a small smile.
"What were you thinking about?" Harry asks then uses my shoulder as stability to climb out and sit with me.
"Fine lines." I shrug and close my journal setting it down in front of me.
"Is that the new slang for coke?" Harry jokes. I push his shoulder and we both erupt with laughter.
"I mean maybe but that's not the kind of fine lines I was thinking about. I'm talking about the lines in between things." Harry seems lost at what I'm trying to say so I think of a better way to explain it.
"Okay so you know about love and lust right?" I ask him.
"Yea I guess." He shrugs and runs his right hand through his hair.
"Well there's a fine line between the two. Sometimes they blend together and you can't differentiate them. Those are the kind of fine lines I'm thinking about."
"Ok I think I understand. Why are you thinking about that?" Harry asks and pulls a packet of cigarettes out of his back pocket taking one for himself before holding one out to me. I take it and wait for him to light it. I felt bad that he slept in his clothes that he wore over but he said he didn't mind.
"How do you know when you've crossed that line?" I ask, then take a drag from the cigarette.
"That's a really good question Carolina but, I think you are asking the wrong person."
We sit in silence finishing off our cigarettes before climbing back into my room. I let Harry know I'm gonna take a shower and that he could help himself to some coffee or whatever. I took my time in the shower but chose not to sit down this time. I don't need to feel like I'm drowning today, I want to live in the moment. Once I'm out of the shower I blow dry my hair and put on makeup. I quickly open the door and peek out and see Harry isn't in my room so I run out naked and quickly grab some clothes.
Just some simple high waisted mom jeans and a cropped sweater. I walk into the living room and see Harry with a coffee cup in one hand and his phone in the other.
"Made some coffee if you want some." He says once he looks up from his phone. I walk around his place in the kitchen and grab a coffee cup out of the cabinet and pour some of the steaming liquid into it. I put the coffee pot back on the brewer and turn to the fridge and grab the creamer.
"You want some coffee with your creamer?" Harry mocks with a loud laugh.
"Well how much do you put in?" I retort.
"None." Harry deapans and I look at him appalled.
"I don't know how well this friendship is going to work now that I know you drink black coffee like a psychopath." I joke, making Harry smirk as he takes a sip from his cup.
"So killing people for a living doesn't make me a psychopath but drinking black coffee does?" He raises an eyebrow at me.
"Well if you want to get technical then both do but I was willingly to let the murderer thing slide." I laugh at him and take a sip of my coffee and hum loudly for dramatic effect.
Harry rolls his eyes at me before checking his phone again.
"So we are friends then?" Harry suddenly speaks, still looking at his phone.
"Yes we are." I laugh a little before finishing off my coffee and putting my mug in the sink. out of the corner of my eye Harry looking at me with a grin on his face before shaking his head and looking down.
"What are you doing later?" Harry asks me after putting his own mug in the sink. I turn so my back is towards the sink and rest my hands behind me.
"Nothing that I know of." I state.
"Keep your day clear after 5:30. I got some things I have to do today but after we are gonna go somewhere." He walks over to the front door and puts his boots on. Before I can even ask what we are doing he walks out the front door.
***
I spent the day trying not to go crazy over what Harry had planned. I curled my hair and decided not to change because I was comfortable and it was casual. It's about 5:15 and I need to decide on shoes. I tried on at least 6 different pairs before just going with my black hightop vans. When I get a text from Harry saying he's here I quickly grab my wallet and shove it into my back pocket. I lock my front door head down to the parking lot.
Harry is driving something other than his black Range Rover. Today he's driving a light orange convertible car. Clearly an older car but breathtaking to say the least. When I'm closer to his car Harry reaches over from the driver's seat and pulls the handle to open the door for me.
"Why do you always open the door when someone gets in your car?"
"Correction, I only do it for women."
I climb in the car shutting the door behind me. Harry is wearing a pair of neutral toned plaid slacks and a black dress shirt that he might as well not be wearing because it's barely buttoned. I'm starting to feel like maybe I should've changed until I saw what shoes he was wearing.
"Okay forget the chivalry, what the fuck are your shoes," I gape at him, pointing to his feet.
"What's wrong with vans? You're wearing a pair. I don't see the problem."
"Nothing is wrong with vans but those I don't think qualify as vans anymore."
"Just because they are dirty and a little worn doesn't make their value go down. Some of my favorite memories have happened while wearing these shoes." Harry shrugs and grabs a pair of sunglasses. He slides them on his face before pulling out of the parking lot.
"Where are we going?" I ask once we are on the highway.
"Santa Monica pier."
"So what you are saying is we are going to be tourists." Harry erupts with laughter before turning up the volume on the radio. He finger drums on the steering wheel before fully breaking out into song.
"Carolina I can't be the only one singing." Harry side eyes me and I decide to fully let loose.
I threw my arms up in the arm and began to sing my heart out. The slight chill cools the warm bubbly feeling running through my veins. My long red hair looks like fire whipping around in the wind. Content was the right word to describe how I feel today. I think this is how birds feel when they fly. I feel like I'm high in the clouds flying over everyone not sitting in a car. I push my hair out of my face and see that Harry missed our exit. I turn to him to let him know but he's looking at me with the corners of his mouth turned up.
"What are you looking at?"
"Something captivating." His words make me blush and I swiftly turn my head back to my right side.
Once we were finally at the pier we sauntered around before sitting on a bench near the ferris wheel.
"So why bring me here," I question. Harry has both arms rested on the back of the bench. His sunglasses are hanging off of his shirt.
"Sometimes it's nice to sit and watch people living their life. You are so stuck in the past that you can't move forward. Each and everyone of these people are moving forward in life. You just need to let go." Harry runs his left hand through his hair before pointing at a game booth.
"See that little girl and her dad. You can tell by his body language that he is having a hard time right now. His shoulders are tense and he keeps checking his watch like he's worried. The only time he relaxes is when his daughter beams with joy. In that moment he lets himself free from his worries."
"I'm not stuck in the past, I just don't have anything to look forward to." I smile when the little girl wins a prize and squeals with joy bouncing around like she just won the lottery.
"Carolina that's my point. Yeah bad shit happens but you have to live through the things that bring you joy."
"Be free like a bird." Harry looks at me and nods.
"So that's why you have an ungodly amount of bird's in your house."
"No, most of that was my grandma's. It's not that I like the birds, it's more like I want to be the birds."
Harry stands up and reaches his hand out to me. I grab it and Harry weaves us through groups of people until we are at the ferris wheel. He cuts the line and just as the ride attendant was about to close the gate Harry pushes it open. We both climb into an empty carriage.
"Harry what the hell, you just cut all of those people."
"Shut up and be the bird." I give Harry a confused look and the ferris wheel jerks forward, starting to go up.
The sun is starting to set. It's light casts a golden glow over us turning Harry's eyes a light yellow color. When we stop at the very top I grab Harry's hand with my two smaller hands without thinking. The view was sensational. I don't think I could stop smiling if I tried to.
"Be the bird Carolina." Harry says again I turn my face towards Harry and bring our hands to my mouth to try and hide my excitement.
Be the bird.
-AUTHORS NOTE-
I'm just gonna say I cried writing this. Couldn't tell you why but it was kinda sad and cute.
I hope y'all enjoyed cause I rewrote this chapter 8 times.
Anyways kisses and have an amazing day!