My hearing eventually returned, but my head felt like it was about to split open.
Our mission to retrieve Eren and Historia had failed. The enemy had reinforcements fly in, and if it hadn't been for the others, the three of us would have been shot and killed. Nobody was in high spirits, of course, but I was a whole ten levels lower than they ever could have been.
I had barely uttered a word for hours, jaw clenched tight, even as I had desperately scrubbed the gore from my face and body. It was so much different to what I had imagined. Killing someone. I had dreamt of killing my father and brother for years, even my other surviving siblings and mother, but now I knew it had all been just that. Imagination.
"(Y..Y/N)..?" Jean approached the stairwell of the abandoned building I had claimed as my solitary spot, but I didn't look him in the eyes. I did, however, tilt my head a little, to let him know I was listening. "You...really saved me back there. Both of us...Are...you alright..?"
What do you think..?
Sighing slowly, I shrugged my shoulders, wincing at the throbbing pain that accompanied the movement.
"Gotta be, don't I..?" I murmured, bringing my knees up to my chin. Uninvited, Jean closed the distance between us, sitting on the opposite side of the stairs from me, the toes of our boots touching.
"No, you don't..." He replied, solemn in tone. "If I hadn't hesitated, then...you wouldn't have had to..."
"We'll all have to at some point." I spoke over the top of him, but there was no bite to my voice. I didn't have anything left in me at that moment, even if I had wanted to. "I don't regret what I did..."
Even though I wasn't looking over at him, I could tell Jean was trying to stay calm for me. Through just the toe of his boot, I could feel just how tense he really was.
"You don't regret killing someone..?" It wasn't quite in disgust, but it may as well have been. Shaking my head, the inside of my cheek was being chewed raw, my fingers locking around themselves in a pent up fidget.
"You really think I'm that heartless..? I...hate what I did. I h..hate it...but I don't regret it..." I did my best to explain, even though I was slowly starting to lose what little of my composure I had left. "You're still here, right in front of me...and Armin is still here, too...I can't regret that..."
It's a price, but I'll pay it.
Jean didn't answer for a while, watching me with his honey-toned eyes, the ones that looked so awfully familiar. Was he disgusted with me? I wouldn't have blamed him in the slightest. I was disgusted with myself.
"You saved us...me...and that means everything...but...I don't wanna see you break again, (Y/N)."
Chewing my lip, I lifted my right hand up to my face. The hand that had pulled the trigger. It trembled slightly, and I curled my fingers inward, making a clenched fist to force a stop.
"Don't worry about me. Really." It was the last thing I wanted. I had already flown of the rails before, I didn't want people to worry that it would happen again.
"Have you even cried..? I mean...I would have..." That was a lot, coming from Jean. I had witnessed his tears before, but he was never usually so open about it.
"No...not over this..." I replied softly, trying not to focus on the gargantuan lump in my throat. "Trying to hold it together, y'know?"
Shifting away from the wall, Jean dropped one of his legs down to lay across the lower steps, scooting until he was as close as he could be without having to climb into my lap. His hand rested upon my knee, and I stared at it instead of meeting his eyes.
"It's part of being human. I mean, I get it, but still..." Out of my control, my hand moved to cover his, and I closed my eyes.
"Before I was brought back to the walls, I had rarely ever been treated like an actual human. Now that I'm back, and I've seen what it's like, and what happens...I think I'd rather ditch my humanity..."
Tears were waiting, I could feel them, but they stayed back. The woman I had killed earlier that day, I could still see the expression on her face. Fear. Panic. Hesitation. She had been human, and look at what had happened to her. I knew I couldn't turn it all off, nor did I truly want to, but with what we were going to have to do, putting a pause on it would help.
"No. I've heard Armin say crap like that before, but no way. It's what we're fighting for, isn't it? If we throw it away, what else do we have?" My shoulders shrugged in response, that damned pain once again shooting down my arm and side. "Look, as you said...w..we'll all end up having to do it at some point...so just...lean on me, okay? On us..."
Lean on...
Beneath Jean's hand, my fingers curled into the material of my tights and I shrunk down a little further into myself.
"Don't say that...I appreciate it...but please...not those words..." I pleaded, voice a fraction calmer than how I actually felt. "You sound like him..."
Eld had always asked me to lean on him, and hearing it made me feel strange when it wasn't his voice. I wasn't even sure I could still remember what it sounded like, or what he looked like.
"H..he'd want the same thing, right? He'd want you to hold onto your humanity. So would Marco...and everyone else we've lost..."
Finally looking up, I could feel a solitary tear trickle down the side of my cheek. Even if I ended up forgetting Eld's face entirely, I'd never forget his eyes. The warming hue of honey, the same that stared back at me from an entirely different person.
"Yeah...h..he would've..." I murmured, my fingers finally laxing beneath his hand. "Listen, Jean, back in the forest, when y..you...When I...I didn't mean to-"
"I'm afraid I'm going to have to interrupt." The voice that cut through mine caused me to flinch, and I yanked my hand to my chest, quickly whipping my head around to face Levi.
Alright...good. Maybe saying that would have been a mistake...
"I need to speak with (Y/N) a moment. Jean, go back to the others. We'll be along shortly." The copperet cleared his throat and pulled himself away, giving each of us a nod in understanding, but he lingered with his eyes on me. Only for a few seconds longer, but it was noticeable.
Standing myself, I tenderly rubbed my shoulder, heaving a sigh as I trudged down the rest of the steps.
"If you're here to tell me this puts me out of commission, I'm gonna castrate you." I muttered, using the back of my hand to wipe away the remains of the tear streak.
"No, we can't lose you now, even if it is going to cause an issue for you." Levi replied, watching me as I leaned against the wall beside the entrance to the staircase. "We need to discuss our next plan of action. Walking around in broad daylight isn't gonna cut it anymore. Not with who's after us."
This is starting to sound a lot more personal...
Nodding, I scuffed my boot against the gritty stone floor, the heel tapping the skirting of the wall.
"Cover of night would be best. Hoods up, getting ahold of more guns and ammunition, like the criminals we are..." Sure, my voice likely sounded like it was dripping with sarcasm, but I meant it. That was what we were now.
"Obviously. It worked to get us here, at least. We got Sannes to talk, and we have valuable information. Hange and I plan on telling the others shortly, but for now, I need you to know. The Reiss family is the true royal family. That means-"
"Historia is the heir to the throne..." I finished his sentence, staring at the slight blood splatter on the collar of his shirt. "Well, at least now we know their motives."
Stepping closer towards me, Levi reached out and put a gentle hand on my injured shoulder. It hurt, andI didn't hide that fact from him.
"Before we move out, speak with Moblit. He'll be able to figure out a way to strap this up." When he didn't move away, I renained silent, unable to stop focusing on the crimson stain upon white. "You're fine. You did what you had to do, (Y/N). I'm proud of you."
Proud..?
"What? For murdering someone..?" I clicked my tongue, but it was a flat sound that held nothing.
"For doing what was necessary, and for reacting the way you have." His hand moved from my shoulder to beneath my chin, the knuckle of his index finger nudging my face up.
There it was again. That strange look that he had had back in his office, before we fled. A stormy, iron gaze that had softened to subtle overcast skies.
"W..was it right..? Did I do the right thing..?" It was a stupid question, I knew that. Of course I had. If I hadn't, Jean would have been shot dead.
"I don't know. My moral compass is shot to hell..." Levi sighed in response, letting my chin lower again, but still not showing any sign of removing his hand from my skin. "What I do know, however, is that I need my girl back, and ready to fight. Can you do that?"
The way in which he had referred to me threw me for a loop, and I was certain my face had bloomed like a ripe tomato.
"Uh, yes...s..si..." Shaking from my daze, I wet my lips, hoping to overcome my stuttering. "Sure thing. You can count on me..."
Giving me one last moment to drown in his gaze, Levi stepped away, motioning for me to follow him.
"I know I can. Now, come. We need to let the others know what's going on." I waited before I started after him, consciously making sure our steps didn't fall into sync.
Whatever happens...whatever I have to do...I just need to deal with it. No matter what the cost...
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***I forgot the timeline for a few things but eh. Been a while since I've read/watched.
Again, I'll inform all of you, this is a multi x reader, but there will only be ONE endgame. I know different people want different characters, and I'm trying to include interactions and fluff (and...such) for all of the interests equally, but I'd really appreciate it if nobody would do angry comments against the ones they don't want as first choice.
I totally get it, but this is the way I have chosen to write the story. Reiner got a lot of hate earlier on, and again, I get it, but it became extensive.
Anyway, I love you guys.
Next Time: Criminal Nature***