CONTAINS MILD STRONG LANGUAGE, MENTION OF PAST TRAUMA, & MILD ANGST
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I sat in the backseat of Yoongi's Audi, sandwiched between Jimin and Taehyung as we waited for the oldest brunet to exit BigHit's main building. Jungkook sat lazily with his feet dangling out the passenger window, scrolling through his private Instagram account with a bored expression.
Glaring down at my laptop, I irritably typed out a few short sentences to my story, my mind whirling with all the things I wanted to put out on paper, yet somehow not able to comprehend them enough to type them out in my document. I sighed, tilting my head back against my seat as I stared up at the ceiling of the car, my foot tapping unconsciously at the floorboards as I tried to piece together a sentence that would finish my paragraph.
"You look like you're struggling," Taehyung chuckled, reaching out to turn my computer screen towards him. He pursed his lips as he silently read through the few paragraphs I had managed to type out while Yoongi was gone. Even though it seemed as if I'd written a lot, I was unsatisfied with what I had in the fifteen to twenty-odd minutes we'd been waiting in the Audi.
"I am," I sighed, plastering a fake smile on my face as I tried to keep myself in a good mood. "I can't write for shit anymore."
"Just be patient," Jimin murmured, resting his head against my shoulder. "You have all day to come up with something, and then, tomorrow. And, then the day after that. No rush."
"I just want to be done already."
I shut my laptop, stuffing it back into its cloth case before placing it on the floor of the car. I curled up next to Jimin, the blonde resting his hand on my lap to cocoon me in his embrace. As I slowly started to zone out, Yoongi raced up to the side of the car, slipping inside and slamming the driver's door shut. He took a second to regain his steady breathing before turning back to face me, his eyes wide and innocent-looking as he handed me a laminated card attached to a black lanyard.
Furrowing my brow, I accepted it, turning it the right way to find my face printed on a white card the size of my palm with my name and the words "assistant manager to the members of BigHit" typed in bold below.
"What is this?" I asked Yoongi, looping my finger through the lanyard.
"Staff ID card. So, if anyone questions you when you're at BigHit, you can just show them this. They probably won't ask any follow-up questions if you do."
With a grin, I threw the lanyard around my neck, adjusting it across my chest so that it was visible against my oversized lilac shirt. I felt as if I had a sense of authority with the card dangling from my neck. It settled my nerves a bit at being around the member's manager and co-workers for the first time. To the others, I'd be almost like an outcast, some nobody tagging alongside four idols in an attempt to grab somebody's attention. But with my very own ID card, I now had a purpose in joining the others to their shoot.
By the time we arrived at Samsung's rented studio, it was almost 11 AM. All of us hopped out of Yoongi's Audi, the brunet locking the doors behind him, and made our way to the building's entrance. Jungkook led us through what felt like a maze of hallways to an elevator where we followed their manager Sejin's directions to the right studio we needed. I bounced on the balls of my feet, keeping close to Yoongi for safety as we made our way to the studio, my hand instinctively reaching out to grasp his. Immediately, I dropped it, my spine stiffening nervously as I averted my gaze to the floor.
"Sorry," I muttered, shoving my hands in the pockets of my baggy jeans. Yoongi remained quiet, his hand snaking into my right pocket to fish out mine, clasping it in his own with a light blush blossoming on his pale cheeks. He offered a smile from behind his mask, almond eyes crinkling at their corners.
"It's alright," he whispered, his tone dropping to where he almost sounded mischievous. "You can hold my hand if you're nervous."
"Thank you."
"Don't thank me. Sejin's not gonna snitch."
Apparently, Kim Sejin, the boy's manager, was well informed as to our relationship, as well as the relationship the boys had held for all these years. I hadn't met the man, but Yoongi had spoken about him with such affection and gratitude that I felt immense trust in the faceless individual.
"Over here." Yoongi tugged on my hand, slipping inside a dark room and shutting the door behind us. Large overhead lights snapped on, a deep voice booming from somewhere in the shadows as a woman in bright red heels with short, grey, cropped hair padded towards the five of us. She adjusted her black-rimmed glasses on her sharp nose, offering a smile and bowing respectfully to the four members.
"Hi. I'm Hwang Jiwoo, the director of today's shoot. I spoke to Kim Sejin over the phone prior to this, but I haven't had the chance to meet you four yet." Jiwoo bowed yet again, this time not as low, her hands clasped against a plastic folder that she held against her lower stomach. When she came back up, her gaze immediately snapped over to mine over her black mask, her head cocked to the side in question as she took me in. "I don't believe I'm familiar with you. Do you work with them?"
I couldn't form up a lie quick enough, so I simply nodded, Yoongi's hand disappearing from mine to splay against the small of my back.
"Where should we start?" the brunet interrupted, saving me from any other questions Jiwoo might've had. She adjusted her glasses yet again, turning on her heel and clipping off towards the back of the studio. All we could do was trail behind her, the boys wordlessly awaiting directions to prepare for the shoot. While Sejin and Jiwoo prepped the members, I wandered off to the side, sitting down at one of the chairs that lined the back of the studio and pulling out my laptop. I had no role to play in today's activity, so I mine as well have spent the day doing something productive.
In the distance, I could hear Jiwoo leading Jimin, Jungkook, Taehyung, and Yoongi to the back to change their outfits and allow the single makeup artist to work on their stage makeup. Footsteps gradually made their way towards me, but I dismissed them as Yoongi trying to check in on me before he left.
"Jang Yumin, is it?" My gaze snapped up to meet an older man's dark eyes, the corners crinkled in a friendly smile behind his thick-rimmed glasses.
"Kim Sejin. I-" I fumbled with my laptop, placing it on the chair at my right before standing awkwardly. I bowed at my waist, cursing myself for acting so surprised by his greeting. As I rose to my full height, Sejin chuckled heartily, his expression calm and inviting as he watched me.
"You don't have to act so skittishly around me," he simpered, leaning close to whisper to me. "I already know what's going on. Just think of me as...your boyfriends' hyung, huh? Make things less awkward for both of us."
I cracked a smile, nodding in agreement as Sejin jerked his head towards the back of the studio. "Why don't you come on over? You don't have to sit out here by yourself."
"I don't want to disrupt anyone."
"Oh, you won't. It'll help the boys anyways while they wait." Sejin stepped up to my seat, leaning down to pick up my laptop and its case, making his way back towards a large black curtain. "It'll take at least two hours at the least to prep before the shoot even starts, so you mine as well have someone to keep you company."
I smiled at Sejin's friendliness, bouncing on my toes as I padded after him. We ducked behind a heavy black curtain to what lead to two dressing rooms and an open seating area with white leather couches and a large mirror lit with theatre bulbs. Jungkook was standing in a corner addressing a short young woman with jet black hair cropped at her shoulders; the beautiful girl was dressed in a black turtleneck, grey coat, black jeans, and Doc Martins. Pitch black shades hid her face from view, but from what I could see, her skin was dotted with various piercings that glinted against her ghostly skin. Jungkook seemed very comfortable around her and I couldn't help but wonder if this was the same woman Yoongi was growing uneasy around.
"Yumin-ssi."
My head swiveled around on my shoulders at Jimin's silky voice, my eyes widening in question as I let the uncomfortable sound of my own name sink into my skin. The blonde beckoned me onto the couch beside him, Taehyung seated on the opposite end of the pristine, white couch with Yoongi opposite them both. I sat down in a petite manner, accepting my laptop and case from Sejin as the brunet settled beside Yoongi, hands clasped against his thighs.
"Rachel can assemble your outfits in a few minutes and allow you four to change before she'll work on your makeup," Sejin informed, his masking bobbing with each movement of his lips from beneath. I felt my skin tingle at the name he mentioned, my eyes snapping up to gaze out at the woman bustling about silently in the back of the room.
It's not her, I told myself, fixating my gaze on Sejin as he continued speaking. A chill ran up my spine, body quivering only for a moment as I let Rachel's name sit on my tongue. It's not her.
After a couple of minutes, Rachel disappeared into a back room, Jungkook coming over with the outfits and handing them out to each of his hyungs, two of them disappearing into the dressing rooms while I sat with him and Jimin. With the way Jungkook had his outfit placed on his lap - a lilac button-up with purple slacks and a dark purple coat - his hand was hidden from view, wandering beneath the thin fabric to clasp my hand in his. I blushed at the unseen gesture, lacing our fingers together and brushing my thumb across the top of his hand affectionately.
"Yoongi hyung takes forever to change," the brunet mumbled, rising to his feet. Slowly, he began to shed himself of his sweatshirt, exposing his tattoos and pale skin from beneath.
"Koo, put your clothes back on; they're people here," scolded Jimin.
"It's fine; people have seen my nipples before. Just-" The maknae grunted as he threw the button up over his shoulders, slipping each button into place before adjusting his collar. "There. See?" As he finished, Jungkook made to unbutton his jeans, my hands flying out to stop him.
"Jungkook."
"Oh, c'mon you've seen me-"
"Jungkook."
All of us looked up at the sound of Taehyung's deep voice, the brunet glaring at the maknae with a steely gaze. He turned to look back at where Rachel had appeared; the girl was messing with something inside of her makeup kit, AirPods jammed in both ears as she kept to herself. I sighed with what I could only call relief, pulling Jungkook's hands away from his waist and letting mine drop against my lap. Taehyung urged the younger boy into the safe confines of the dressing room, leaning up against the door and monitoring Rachel carefully before she slipped back behind the curtain. Soon, all of the members had changed into the attire, Jungkook sitting down as the youngest to get his makeup done first.
I sat with Sejin and Yoongi, the two men on either side of me as I tried to refrain from watching Rachel. The brunette stepped out into the light of the room, grabbing her things and making straight for Jungkook to begin on his makeup. All my mind could do was try and piece together fragments of my memory; her hair, her jewelry, her clothes, height, stride, smell. But, most of all, her nails. Rachel didn't wear any nails now as she worked, probably to have better access when working with her makeup on the members, but the mere sight of her hands put a bad taste in my mouth. I felt like those hands would fit perfectly around my neck if she were given the chance.
You're being ridiculous, I scolded myself, continuing to type out yet another bullshit paragraph in my document. Rachel left Korea over a year ago. She-
"You seem tense." Yoongi's voice startled me out of my thoughts, making me exhale nervously as I realized I'd been holding my breath. Gently lowering his voice, he mumbled, "Are you okay, angel?" I nodded, reaching for the brunet's hand and twining our pinkies together for comfort as I absently poked at my keyboard.
I absolutely refused to show any sign of discomfort around Rachel, whether it was her or not. In my head, I knew it couldn't be. In the back of my head, I replayed the memory of Yura in our living room, his cell phone pressed against his ear as he begged and pleaded into the phone for Rachel to come back.
"Baby, please. I love you, why can't you just- America!? What the fuck is in America that I can't give you here!? Baby- Rachel!?"
Yura had loved Rachel more than me as soon as he had met her, but in the few months I knew they had been fooling around, the brunette was planning on moving to America with her abusive boyfriend, leaving Yura to take out all his anger and heartache on me after she left. I hated her for it; she even knew what she was doing, how Yura was going to react, and she simply didn't care that I would be at the sharp end of his knife when he lashed out.
Somehow, my anger fueled my spirit, allowing me to finish writing until I'd completed my chapter, a satisfied grin adorning my face as something good finally came out of the day. I knew Yoongi could tell I was growing upset yet he didn't address it, instead gently caressing my thigh to reassure me that he was still there. Sejin leaned over, peering over my shoulder at my computer as he asked me what I was working on. Happy to have a distraction, I apprised the man of my work, feeling almost giddy as he praised and admired my writing, my smile widening beneath my mask as Rachel slowly faded from my thoughts.
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Rachel knew it was her as soon as she stepped into the back room, Jimin's voice radiating throughout the small area as he addressed her. "Yumin-ssi." She hadn't heard that name in forever, but as the familiarity of it settled in, her blood boiled with rage. Rachel hated Yumin with every bone in her body, glaring daggers into her from behind her shades as the younger girl strode into the room beside Sejin.
Deciding to keep mainly to herself, Rachel jammed her earbuds into her ears, trying hard to be unnoticed by Yumin as she seated herself with Jimin and Jungkook while the other two members changed. She kept her volume low, eventually shutting off her music completely to tune into their conversation as she clawed through her makeup kit in search of a certain-sized brush. Where is it? she growled in her head, ears twitching as she picked up Jungkook's deep, silky voice that made her stomach burst with fireworks.
"Koo, put your clothes back on," Jimin was saying, a hint of humor lacing his tone.
"People have seen my nipples before," Jungkook shot back. Rachel glanced over her shoulder to see the brunet shirtless, a blush burning across her face as she quickly turned back to her work. She had barely known Jungkook for more than a month and she was already obsessed with him. She didn't love him, not yet, but she was beginning to care for him. Maybe one day-
"Jungkook."
"Oh, c'mon, you've seen me-"
Rachel could faintly hear the zipper come undone on Jungkook's jeans before Taehyung's voice growled his name from one of the dressing rooms, everyone in the room freezing. Seemingly lost in thought, she continued to pull things from her makeup bag to prepare for the shoot, feeling her heart thud helplessly against her ribcage. A thought tore through Rachel's mind, carrying her feet behind the black curtain that closed them into the back room. Everyone's voices grew quiet as they addressed each other from the other side of the curtain, Rachel turning and peering back into the room as her thoughts swarmed around one idea and one idea only.
It was obvious Yumin didn't actually work for BigHit, or else she would've been well aware by now. Looking into the room, she watched as Jungkook blushed in embarrassment as he was scolded by his hyungs. He nodded to something Jimin was saying before bending down and pecking a kiss on Yumin's forehead. Rachel felt her heart seize angrily in her chest, pulling back as tears stung her eyes and threatened to smudge her makeup.
Why does she have everything!? Rachel's mind screamed, the brunette blinking up at the ceiling to cease her tears. Why can't I have anything? Against the upset thoughts that ran rampant in her mind, one sickly thought remained clear. Revenge. Rachel wanted revenge. She'd hurt Yumin before, and yet, even scarred, she had bounced back and built another life for herself. One that Rachel wanted to live instead.
If I can't be happy, the brunette snarled, peeling the curtain back and clopping back out into the light of the backroom to begin on one of the member's stage makeup. Her gaze immediately snapped to Jungkook as the maknae stepped out of the dressing room, adjusting his coat over his arm before looking back and spotting her. He grinned in a shy manner, moving to sit in the stylist's chair and beckon her over. Rachel smirked beneath her mask, grabbing her things and making her way towards him. She could feel Yumin's eyes burning into her as she set down her bag, prying out certain items from her kit and beginning to work at Jungkook's face.
...then neither can any of you.
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Enjoy.