"You know, Thor thought we were brothers," Wade said. "I never had a brother. It would be nice. We could braid each others' hair."
Sam Wilson took a look at Wade's bald, scarred head, visible through the gaping holes in his mask, then ran his hand over his own sharply buzzed black hair and snorted. "Right. We're not brothers."
"Sure we are, blood brothers, look!" Wade pointed at the blood gushing from his severed leg all over Sam's winged suit.
It had been a hard battle. And the Kevlar that Peter had lovingly attached on the inside of his suit only covered his main arteries from the top of his head to just below groin, leaving his arms and legs bare. "How am I going to run if you weigh down my legs? Or shoot if I can't lift my arms?" Wade had insisted. Here was the payoff. Quick karma.
"Bleeding all over me doesn't make us blood brothers. And we're not native American."
"Oh," Wade said sadly. "I have died in the arms of enemies a million times. It would have been nice to die in the arms of my brother just once."
"Wade --"Sam started, but Wade died before he could say anything more. "For fuck's sake."
When Wade came to, Sam was staring at the tiny translucent foot and toes his severed leg was already growing from the stump. "That is the weirdest shit I've ever seen."
"You're still here," Wade said, marvel in his voice. "Does this mean...?"
"We're not brothers," Sam warned. "But I couldn't just leave you dead there alone."
"Oooh!" Wade suddenly squealed. "Don't tell me you have the hots for me! I'm so very flattered, you're hot as hell, and you have, like, the fifth best ass in the Avengers, but I'm faithful to my spider babe."
Sam swore and let Wade's head thunk to the ground.
"It goes, baby boy, Thor, T'Challa, Cap and you."
"I didn't ask!" Sam yelled as he walked away.
"You know what this universe needs, it's more hot lady superheroes in spandex. I mean, there's Romanoff, but she would rip my head off if I even thought about how she looks like in that suit of hers," Wade mused.
"Leave me off your lists!" Sam yelled over his shoulder.
"I hate to see you leave, but I love watching you go!" Wade's voice called after him and Sam couldn't help but chuckle.
"I heard that! You totally love me in a really bro way!" Wade squealed.
Sam flipped Wade a bird over his shoulder. Wade let his head fall on the ground, momentarily happy. Then he fiddled with his belt and popped out of existence.
Peter was in their condo, just finishing doing the dishes, when he heard the tell-tale small pop and turned to look. "Wade! How?! You just went to get groceries! Awww, no blood on the new carpet!"
"Oh, sorry," Wade said and tried to get up only to flop back on his back when the still growing leg gave away. "The blood is mostly dry, anyway. And I was on my way to that place Bucky boy mentioned in his ginger cookie recipe when I saw someone use a net to bring Sparrow down. I couldn't let someone do that to my brother. And he held my hand while I died."
"Wade, you died without me? You know I hate it when you do that," Peter said, his doe eyes doing a number on Wade's insides.
"I was barely dead for like half an hour, babes."
Peter gathered Wade in his arms, lifted him and put him gently on the couch.
Wade went starry eyed. "I love it when you carry me bridal style." He started humming the wedding march.
Peter pinked. "Will you now let me put Kevlar on your arms and legs, too?"
Wade groaned. "They had a bazooka. I'm not sure Kevlar would help. Look! It even ripped my mask when one of the shots grazed it and you did put Kevlar there!"
Peter couldn't argue that. "But how often do criminals have bazookas, honestly?"
"So, what have you been doing?" Wade asked, basking in Peter's care.
"You know, working, dishes."
Wade cocked his head. "Working? Like a paying job? Have I heard this before?"
"Uh, yeah, Wade. Freelance photographer? Ring any bells? Photos of Spider-Man in action, plus artsy photos of the city from angles others can't get. Only me with my webs and sticky hands and feet can get there."
"Oh, the photos? That's a job?" Wade asked and wiggled his tiny toes.
"What did you think I did for a living?" Peter asked, watching the translucent digits wiggle almost fondly. Wade's limbs kept getting severed. You sort of had to get used to it.
"Avenging?"
Peter sputtered. "That... that doesn't pay!"
"It doesn't? You mean you're saving the world on a regular basis and you don't get paid??!" Wade looked outraged.
"Welcome to being a hero, Wade."
"That's just not right..." Wade muttered.
"Let it go, Wade," Peter sighed. He started to help Wade out of his wrecked suit and took off the the teleportation belt first and put it on the sofa table. It lay there gently smoking. "Huh. It's never done that before." The belt crackled and a few small sparkles flew out.
"It's fine," Wade said. "Are you going to wash me?"
Just then Peter's phone rang. "It's Cap." He answered the phone. "What's up mr Rogers, Steve, sir?" He listened intently. "Okay, I'll be there as soon as I can." He hung up. "Gotta go, murderbots in Brooklyn."
Peter suited up quickly and opened the window to swing to the rescue.
"Wait!" he heard. Wade scuttled across the floor lopsidedly on his knee on one side and on the tiny translucent foot still growing on the other side.
"What?"
"Just wanted to kiss you goodbye, baby boy," Wade said, standing awkwardly on his mismatched legs.
Peter hurriedly bent down and kissed Wade's mask where his mouth would be, then turned around to the open window again only to freeze. "Ack! Wade!"
"Just wanted to kiss my precious goodbye, too. Love ya! Miss ya!" Wade cooed and patted the spandex covered butt gently.
Peter's face burned under his mask.
"I thought you were in a hurry," Wade said smugly. "Go, go! I'll come and help when I finish growing my leg."
Peter groaned and leapt out the window.
No one knew where the bots came from. Suddenly they were just there, attacking early afternoon shoppers with what looked like some sort of ray guns. The Avengers were already hard at battle when Peter showed up. He swung into action valiantly, but the webs were little hindrance to the metal bots and their lasers just cut right through them. The others were making better work with their weapons, but more bots just kept on coming.
"You know we could use your boyfriend right about now," Sam panted to Peter, ducking behind their meagre shelter. Tony scowled. "What? He helped me out earlier. Did his leg grow back yet?" Sam asked Peter.
"Let me check," Peter said. They were hunkered down behind a large dumpster, which really wasn't enough space for several superheroes. Hulk was doing a good job at keeping the murderbots' interest focused on him and it afforded the rest a temporary breather. Peter fished out his phone from a hidden pocket in his spandex suit. "Wade, how's the leg? We could really use you in here."
"Good as new! I was just about to call you," Wade said, holding the cell phone at an awkward angle between his shoulder and his ear, duct taping the leg of his suit which had been shot to threads by the bazooka earlier. "I'll be there in a second," he added and grabbed his teleportation belt.
"No, Wade! Take a taxi. That thing is on it's last legs."
"No no, you need me, I'll be there just a second. Where are you exactly?"
"Corner of Crown Street and Albany Avenue, behind a big dumpster. Please, we're alright for the moment --" A massive explosion went off nearby, cutting off Peter's voice.
"Baby boy! I'm coming!!" Wade twisted a dial, pressed a button and blipped from view.
Peter was shaking his head to get rid of the ringing, when he heard the call. "Baby boy!" But it was like there's an echo. Damn, that blast must have affected my hearing, he thought and turned to look. And blinked.
Two Deadpools stood side by side, the white eyes in their masks widening comically as they turned to look at each other. Both sported identical rips and cuts to his suit and both had the leg left duct taped from toes to thigh.
"Who the hell are you?!" they both asked.
"I'm me! Who the hell are you?!" they both asked again.
"I loved you on Wall Street!" they shouted in unison.
"Hey! Thats my line!"
Peter backtracked wildly. "Which of you is the evil one? And which is the real one?"
"Evil one? Oh, you mean like on Star Trek?" the Wade on the left said.
"Mirror universe, really, Peter?" the Wade on the right added.
"There's always an evil one," Peter said, his eyes flicking wildly between the two Wades. The other Avengers looked on open mouthed, except for Natasha who had her guns aimed at each of the Wades.
"I don't feel evil," Left Wade said. "You?"
"No more than usual," Right Wade said slowly and turned to look at Left Wade. "Since it's not me, it must be you. I'm not gonna let you hurt my baby boy," he cried out and attacked the other Wade. Natasha relaxed minutely and put away her guns.
It took all the Avengers to pull the two Wade's apart, with only Peter's frantic "Wade, Wade! Please stop!" to make them actually stop fighting. They all panted, half the Avengers holding one Wade, the rest the other one. Out of sight, Hulk roared and there was another explosion, smaller this time.
"Wade?" Peter asked, his voice quavering.
Just then a fresh swarm of murderbots rounded the corner and started firing on them. Both Deadpools whipped their head around and leapt between Peter and the bots, four guns blazing. It was practically raining bits of murderbots.
"We'll figure out this mess later," Cap said, waving his hand at the two Wades. "Now we have work to do."
Finally, when the last murderbot was a smoking pile of gears on the ground, the Avengers assembled near their base, the dumpster which was also showing signs of battle.
"Friday, get Strange here, now," Tony muttered.
"Right away," the AI answered.
A moment later, a whirling portal appeared and Dr Strange stepped out. "What's the emergency... never mind. How did this happen?"
"Who's this Tony Stark wannabe?" Left Wade asked. Whether it was the same Wade that was formerly on the left, Peter couldn't have said, but he had to distinguish them somehow.
"I forgot how annoying you were," Dr Strange said.
"Sounds like him, too," Right Wade muttered, just when left Wade said, "We've never even met!"
"Not in this timeline," Strange just said.
"Can you just..." Stark said and flapped his hand in a circular motion, "... us all into the Tower, please?"
Dr Strange did his thing and a moment later they all stepped into the common room in the Tower, Hulk already shrinking down as he walked into Banner's room to change out of his ripped pants.
"Please take off your mask. Masks," Peter asked the two Wades.
Both Deadpools peeled off their masks, reluctance in every move. Peter looked from one beloved, scarred face to the other and back again.
"How is it doctor? Can I still model?" Right Wade said, striking a half hearted little Vogue pose.
"They appear identical. How did this happen?" Dr Strange asked, ignoring the two Wades best he could.
"We don't know yet," Steve said.
"I used my teleportation belt," Left Wade said and pulled his mask back on.
"I used my teleportation belt," Right Wade said and copied Left Wade, trying to pretend he decided to put his mask on all by himself.
"Can I see that?" Banner asked, walking back into the room after a clearly hasty change. Both Wades looked down at the belts, releasing black smoke and occasional embers and clipped them off their waists.
"Useless piece of junk," Left Wade muttered.
Banner took the belts and Peter turned to Strange. "Please, I just want my boyfriend back."
Strange sighed. "I of course have nothing else to do."
"Banner, go with Strange. You can use my lab --" Tony started. Bucky winced.
"No," one Wade said.
"No way."
"No labs."
"Na-huh, no labs, no sirree."
"I'll come with you Wade... Wades," Peter said awkwardly. "I'll make sure they don't hurt you."
"No one's going to hurt them, so- ah, Peter," Steve said, and both Wades gave an identical snicker. Steve hadn't been able to call anyone "son" since Peter's birthday party.
Peter followed Banner to the lab, holding one of each Wade's hand in his, his mind still trying to process what had happened. Two Wades? His mind whirled and he heard only snippets of the tests Banner and Strange were planning to do. Something about DNA, brain scans and some tests by Dr Strange that even Peter didn't know what they were.
They were as good as their word. The worst that the two Wades had to endure was some blood tests and swab smears from inside their cheeks. The rest of the tests were painless and the results took a few days, during which time both Wades were politely but firmly told to stay in the Tower. Tony didn't let Peter stay with the Wades, or indeed the Wades to share a room. "I don't trust them not to kill each other, or you," Tony said, and despite vocal protests, he stood firm, even calling his Iron Man suit army to lend him a hand. Hands.
Finally, Strange called everybody to the common room. "They're both Wade Wilson. Good luck," he said, created one of his portals and popped out of sight.
"Jeez, thanks, Stephen," Banner said with a sigh. "We did all tests we could think of. They are both Wade. Genetically identical, brain scans identical, blood works, everything matches. And you said that the first instinct both had was to protect Peter in that battle. Strange did his thing and said that cosmically there's no issue with it, either."
"Can we go home now?" Right Wade asked.
"Yeah, I haven't seen my boyfriend in days," Left Wade said.
Peter hesitated. "Wade?"
"Yes, baby boy," the two Wades said in unison.
"Peter..." Tony began.
Peter turned his head. "Thank you, mr Stark. We're going home."
"Yeah, just Pete, myself and I," one of the Wades said.
"Damn! A second too late," the other Wade muttered.
"But, Peter!"
"It's just Wade, mr Stark. And Wade." Peter walked to the open balcony and turned. "Hop on."
With a lot of bickering and pushing, the two Wades hopped on Peter's back and before Tony could find the words to express how wrong it all was, Peter leapt out of the balcony, flicking his first web across to the next building.
"Still not used to that," Steve murmured.
"Two Wade Wilsons," Tony moaned. "How the hell is this going to work?"
Bucky could only shake his head. Wade was unpredictable and unstable. And now there were two of them.
--
A/N:
So the two Wades was pretty much the first thing that my mind handed to me one day. It's taken me this long to get here. Had to lay some groundwork first.
I completely forgot to give Peter a job. I didn't want to do the print media photographer thing, mostly because Jonah Jameson is such a horrid character. So, this is my way of making up for that.
Oh, I know nothing of Brooklyn. That cross roads I mention was just the first two streets I saw on googlemaps.
Image source: https://thepinkestflower.tumblr.com/post/181852401018/spiderman-x-deadpool-rolepay-spiderman-had-been