WARNING: this chapters contain references to PTSD and its symptoms. i've tried really hard to research this to create an accurate portrayal, but as I am obviously not an expert it's possible that i've missed something! if there's something you notice or think I should change, please just let me know.
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It was the tenth of October when the first quidditch match of the year, between Gryffindor and Ravenclaw, was scheduled. It was a surprisingly mild day and, although there was thick cloud, it didn't look like it was going to rain any time soon.
Their nerves were on edge as they heard the crowds roaring in the stands as they waited in the changing rooms. Sirius was taping up Emmy's hands as James gave his pep talk to the team.
"Just remember all the technique we've been practising, and bloody well use it if you don't want to pay for consolatory drinks if we lose. Which we won't," he added nervously.
"It's going to be fine, Potter," said Gideon, "The Ravenclaws couldn't practise last year either, plus that wicked chaser of theirs left last year, didn't she?"
"Nope," James replied, "Higgs is back this year, she's only sixth year."
Emmy shuddered at the memory of playing against the Ravenclaws two years ago. Their chasers, Cromley, Bones and Higgs, had been ferocious and the latter was well known for her aggressive tactics and quick-thinking on the pitch. Emmy had actually quite liked her fieriness and admired her quidditch skills greatly, but she'd made it a nightmare to get anywhere near the goals.
"I've heard she doesn't get on with one of the other chasers though, they had a fallout during the summer. We could use that to our advantage," suggested Marlene.
"Exactly, make sure you get them in positions where they might have to pass to each other and see what happens, we'll work something out at half time."
Emmy nodded in agreement, it seemed to be worth the risk. Sirius finished off her tape and kissed her quickly before standing up to stretch his arms.
"Right, keep focused guys, and stay safe out there but you know don't focus on the safety part too much if you think you can make a great play," said James before Franks punched his arm.
The wind howled around them as they walked out to meet the Ravenclaws. They were a vision in cobalt blue, a force to be reckoned with, but the cheers added fuel to the fire in the Gryffindors as they faced their opponents.
Higgs nodded her head to Emmy as they neared, there had been many people talking about them both facing each other again. They were the only two female chasers playing, Kingsley Shacklebolt could be heard saying it was the face-off of the season through the speakers.
She spotted him up in the teacher's stand next to an excited-looking Professor McGonagall waving her Gryffindor flag. She could see the Astrals yelling and screaming to the bemusement of everyone around them, Remus and Peter were creating a similar ruckus a few rows behind.
Within minutes they were up in the air and Emmy was speeding towards the goals, quaffle tucked tightly under her arm, when she was hit with a force to her left side.
Higgs had shoved into her and was now swooping underneath to hit her from the other side.
With no other choice, Emmy dove down in the other direction, having to zigzag around the Ravenclaw beaters before she could fully regain her balance.
James raced down to meet her and she hurled the ball to him before tumbling off onto the grass.
She sat up as she saw Sirius catch the quaffle from him and score. Over the cheers she could hear James yelling at Fabian and Gideon to get Higgs away from Emmy. Marlene flew over offering her a hand to stand up.
"Did you see that?" Emmy grumbled.
"Crazy right?"
"She's got it in for you, Emmy."
The rest of the game passed quickly, anytime Higgs got close she was deflected by a bludger in her direction.
She didn't attempt another manoeuvre until half an hour later, but this time she hit the shoulder still healing from last full moon and it took all of Emmy's restraint to keep from screaming out in pain.
The quaffle fell out of her hands and to her frustration, Higgs scooped it up easily and made a beeline for the goals. Quickly realising this was the perfect opportunity to catch her out, James flew from nearby to block her from the front and Sirius on the other side so that her only option was to pass to Cromley.
To their smugness, she grimaced and flew up, only to be apprehended by a smug Emmy who took the ball back. They called a break two minutes later, everyone huddled around James as he ordered their plan of attack.
"Right, Gideon, I need you to keep an eye on Bones. Don't give Higgs any opportunity to get near him. We three will take care of the rest."
The rest of the team nodded and headed off to their positions. James gripped Emmy and Sirius' shoulders and sighed.
"Just... stick close, guys. I'm counting on you."
Emmy grinned, pain forgotten about after the adrenaline of scoring, "Don't worry, we've got this."
She kissed his cheek fondly before clambered onto her broom.
Sirius took a minute to shake out of his stupor, he smirked and shook his head at her retreating form.
"Come on mate, they've got nothing on us."
James snorted in laughter and smiled for the first time since the game had started.
The rest of the game passed quickly and by the hour mark, both teams were tied. They were all exhausted, Emmy especially having spent the entire time ducking and swerving away from Higgs, having to race her to get anywhere near the quaffle. But their ploy seemed to be working, whilst Higgs did sometimes pass to Cromley, it was with reluctance and if she had the choice, she would always try to make it on her own. It was the same with him too.
Whatever had happened between them must have been seriously bad.
Emmy had just scored another point when she noticed Marlene zipping across the pitch.
Gritting her teeth she focused on getting the quaffle off Higgs, knowing that if Marlene couldn't get to the snitch before the Ravenclaw seeker some time soon they would need all the points they could get.
She swooped underneath her rival chaser and then sped above her, searching for a weakness as they sped towards the goals.
Suddenly a loud noise erupted from the stands and laughter and cheering sounded. Someone had set off bright red fireworks that shot off in glittering spirals. Emmy whipped around to see the snitch grasped in Marlene's triumphant fist.
She turned back to Higgs grinning, when she noticed she'd stopped a couple of meters away. Her hands were shaking violently and she had an oddly glazed look in her eyes. She looked like she was struggling to breath, her gaze transfixed on the space where the fireworks had been. It was when the quaffle dropped straight out of her hands, Emmy realised something was seriously wrong.
"Higgs?" she called over the cheering crowds, flying closer. "Jody?"
The players near them had paused too, looking over in confusion.
She reached out and placed a hand on Higgs' shoulder when she suddenly spun round and, arms flailing everywhere, punched her right across the face. The crowds seemed to freeze, people gasping.
Emmy swore loudly, cradling her bleeding nose. Her quidditch goggles had smashed too, the pieces of glass slicing the skin around her eyes.
Sirius was there in an instant, tipping her head back and holding her steady. But the look on Jody's face was agonising.
"Oh god, I'm so sorry. I don't... oh god..." she fumbled, tears began spilling down her face as she quickly turned and sped off towards the changing rooms, leaving her broomstick on the pitch as she sprinted away.
There was suddenly people everywhere and Emmy called out desperately as they helped her to the ground, "Is she okay? Is Higgs alright? I need to know."
"She'll be fine, don't worry," replied a distracted James, passing Sirius another bit of gauze to staunch the bleeding.
"No, someone to go and find her!" she yelled, her anger getting the better of her.
Everyone went quiet, then Marlene spoke softly, "I'll go."
Emmy couldn't see but she could just about hear the sound of her boots jogging off over the noise rising again.
She refused to go to the hospital wing, insisting Madam Pomfrey sorted her out in the changing rooms to the nurse's indignation.
"I'm not spending any more time in there than I have to, no offence Madam P."
The nurse huffed and sighed but eventually conceded, allowing Sirius to set her down on one of the benches. She got to work, first on her eye to remove the glass around it, then clean it out and finally set her nose.
Madam Pomfrey was just finishing up when Marlene came in, a weary look on her face.
"Can you guys give us a minute?" she asked, nodding at the boys. They filed out, Sirius leaving last after he'd helped Emmy into one of his jumpers.
"How is she?" Emmy asked quietly, wincing silently as Madam Pomfrey turned her face to clean off the last of the blood.
"Better now, I think. Took some persuading for her to let me into the changing room for starters. Seems like she was having some sort of flashback to the attack last year, I think the fireworks triggered it..."
"They should never have been allowed anywhere near the school," muttered Madam Pomfrey angrily, "There will have been so many children that panicked when they went off. We're just lucky there weren't any other injuries."
"It was probably because the fireworks went off so close to us."
"I suspect you're right, Emeline. Is someone with her now?"
Marlene nodded, "Professor McGonagall and Dumbledore stayed with her, they said they'd take her up to the hospital wing once the crowds had gone."
The nurse nodded and packed away the last of her bag, "I'll go up now. Come and let me know if that nose starts bleeding again though, dear."
"Will do," Emmy replied wearily as she disappeared round the corner in a flurry of white and red.
She leant her head back against the lockers and closed her eyes. Marlene slumped down next to her with a heavy sigh.
"What a mess."
—————
A few days after the match, Emmy found herself by the Black Loch with the Astrals. In the early autumn sunlight, the views over the mountains were breath-taking.
There was something about the landscape that was so unlike anything she'd ever seen, something unearthly. It just made you feel so small, so humble.
In her swimsuit and quidditch jumper she must have looked quite odd as she wandered through the shallows, enjoying the feeling of the water splashing against her legs and the wind tugging her hair out of her braid.
They'd been in class all day and everyone had a load of work to do but none of them felt like it after the news they'd heard earlier.
There had been another death-eater attack during the night; they had interrupted a dinner party between top muggleborn ministry officials, sympathisers, and their families. No one had made it out alive.
It was all they had thought about for the whole day.
Emmy walked out as far as she dared. It felt like she was alone, dwarfed by the majesty of the mountains and the sky. She tilted her head back and breathed in deeply. The fresh air flooded her lungs, she looked up and smiled, feeling better for just being that bit closer to nature.
The wildness of it stirred something deep within her, brought her some peace.
She walked back to the beach after a while, the scent of hot chocolate luring her in. Lily was waiting at the shore with a steaming mug as she returned, the rest of them chatting by bonfire further up the beach.
"You doing alright?" she asked, concern lacing her voice despite her best efforts to pass it off casually.
"Yeah, just been thinking about things. It's all sort of hit me in the past few days."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, everything really. The fact that the attack in June wasn't a one-off, that massacres like the one last night happen every couple of weeks these days, that we really are on the brink of war."
There wasn't anything to say so they stayed quiet for a while looking out at the giant squid's tentacles breaking the water a mile or so away.
"We're going to get through this, you know. We'll do it together."
Emmy smiled softly and bumped Lily's shoulder. All she could say was, "Thanks, Lils."
Her throat ached with emotion and tears began to pool in her eyes, but she held them back. It made her feel better, stronger, keeping her emotions in check.
Part of her wondered if that really was the best way of dealing with her feelings, but if she cried every time she felt like this she'd not get through anything.
She realised something, the only way she could survive this was if she did it herself. That way no one could get hurt, not one would have to suffer because of her.
The Triwizard Tournament had put a target on her back, the death-eaters knew of her, they'd targeted her specifically during the attack because she as one of the best trained witches in duelling with her experience.
Thank Merlin that no one knew she was a werewolf. If that got out, she doubted she'd make it to Christmas. There was one thing death-eaters hated more than muggleborns and that was 'half-breeds,' as they called people like her and Remus. The thought of what would happen if they found out didn't bear thinking about.
—————
Sirius had been studying in the dormitory since four o'clock, and he was exhausted. It had been a long day and he'd got none of the work he needed to complete finished. He groaned quietly and rubbed his face to try and wake himself up.
With a glance down at his textbooks, he realised there was no way he was going to get any real work done before he went to bed. He stood and stretched, taking a quick look out the window.
He could see Emmy and the Astrals walking back to the common room down below. She was at the back of the group talking to Lily, but turned and paused just before they reached the doors.
In the light of the sunset she was stunning, with her shoulders back and chin up, she looked like she could conquer the world.
When he looked at her he saw a warrior and the most beautiful human he'd ever met. Beautiful inside and out, and not entirely of this world.
There was something about her that just put him on edge. Not in a bad way, not that she made him nervous. It was like electricity, she sparked something inside of him that he'd never felt until the first day he met her, like he had a bigger destiny than simply escaping his family and surviving this war.
Running a hand through his hair, he closed his textbook over and got up. She was still standing on the parapet watching the sun set over the castle grounds and he wanted nothing mroe than to be there with her.
Bounding out the room he passed the Astrals as they made their way up the stairs and waved a cheery hello. In his eagerness, he missed the wary look on Lily's face and as he turned the corner out onto the parapet, could think of nothing else but those blue eyes he could happily drown in.
"Emmy!" he called and she looked up, her face lighting up then dimmed softly as he approached.
"Are you alright?" she questioned, tucking her golden hair behind her ears.
"Yeah, I just wanted to see you."
She fought to keep the grin from her face but moved her hand gently of top of his as they stood together.
Neither of them said anything, Emmy enjoying the last few moment of the bliss they had felt for the past two years.
"Sirius?" she spoke.
"Yes?"
"I need to speak to you about something."
"Is everything alright?" he looked over at the twinge of emotion in her voice.
"Sirius... I can't."
He went silent, the tilted his head and asked, a ghost of a smile on his lips,
"Wh-what do you mean?"
"I just can't do this anymore..."
"What-"
"I can't do us. You and me."
She could practically see his heart breaking in front of her.
"Ems... I don't understand."
"I just don't... don't feel the same way you do..." was all she could muster.
"Then let's just stay the way things were, before we got together. Is that what this is about?" he said, scattered and panicked.
"Sirius, I mean it. For real, I can't do this anymore."
It took all her willpower to keep from breaking down in front of him.
"Just tell me why, what's changed?"
"For God's sake Sirius, I'm trying to protect myself! I'm trying to protect you!"
She was yelling now and she couldn't stop, "I just can't live like this. If something happened to you..."
Emmy had to bite her cheek to stop from bursting into tears. She brought a hand up to her mouth, fingers trembling.
Sirius' looked devastated, a tear rolled painfully slowly down his face, his eyes drowning in them.
"Ems..."
"No, stop!"
She threw out a hand to stop him coming any closer.
"Ems, I love you... so much, I-"
"I can't, Sirius. I can't love you," she croaked, she could taste the saltiness of tears on her lips now.
"But-"
"Don't make this hurt more than it already does."
"Please," he whispered, "Please, Ems. Don't do this."
"I'm doing this for both of us. Don't come any closer," she yelped.
His hands dropped to his sides. She had never seen him like this hurt, in this much pain. She could feel her heart breaking in her chest and it was leaving an aching icy hole.
"Just go, Sirius.," she whispered.
"Ems..."
"Go! I don't want to drag this out any longer."
"No," he cried, "Come on, we'll work through this together. We'll do this together."
"You and I both know the only way we're going to survive this war is if we do it apart. We're both targets on each other's backs."
"Nothing will change that. Until you stop loving me, we'll stick together."
Emmy turned away.
"Just look me in the eye and tell me you don't love me."
This was the hard part. She turned, every fibre of her being wanting to scream at him that yes she loved him, of course she did, she'd love him until her dying breath. But she couldn't, so she narrowed her gaze.
"I don't love you, Sirius."
"...what?" he breathed.
"I said," she wobbled, "I don't love you. I refuse to love you."
"It's not something you can just decide to do, Ems. You don't stop loving someone because you've said so."
"Well I mean it! I don't know if I ever loved you."
Her heart was shattering as she spoke those words, she knew she had to destroy him to keep him safe.
He shook his head, "You don't mean that."
"Yes, Sirius. I do," she said firmly, lips trembling.
Then he smiled, and a look of relief washed over his face.
"You're lying, Ems. And you're a good liar, I'll give you that. But you keep tracing that little scar on your hand, you do it every time you try and make something up."
She flinched and stopped herself.
"Look, I get that you're really scared right now."
"Don't belittle me," she growled.
"Love, I'm terrified. I'm terrified of losing you, of losing James and Remus and Peter, and all of our friends. But we are living through a war, people are going to die, people are going to get hurt, and there is nothing, absolutely nothing you can do about it. So I'm going to keep on loving you and I'll keep telling you how much I love you until you say the same thing back."
He closed the space between them and kissed her. Not softly, not carefully, but with so much passion and love, she had to push him away to keep from kissing him back.
And with one last look at that gorgeous smiling face, she ran.
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if it makes you feel any better, this chapter wrecked me too.