The restless tapping of her pen hitting the desk had become a common sound to her in the last hour of time. Kira stared at the blank sheet of paper, a neatly folded letter with a ripped open envelope sitting beside it. Tenten had written her a short letter checking in on her. Things had been so busy in the days following the war that a full month had passed since they'd last been able to talk. The letter had been brief, but still held more content than Kira's reply. She couldn't think of anything to write back to her friend; nothing had really happened that needed to be shared.
Kira sighed and rubbed her eyes, looking around her desk in hopes of inspiration. Her eyes skirted around the three photos and the small collection of books passively before coming to a rest on her tonfas. Kankurō had apparently found them and picked them up when she'd been rescued. One of them looked fine all things considered but its twin was another story. The wood was snapped in half, the hidden blade shattered, making it ready for the trash but Kira couldn't seem to get herself to throw it away. They'd been a gift from Kankurō and her very first real weapons. Even if they were unusable she wanted to keep them.
She'd have to get new ones either way.
Sitting next to her weapons was the half empty jar of face paint she'd used during the war. The paint Gaara had found and given to her. Staring at it, she could nearly feel the touch of his fingers on her face and her neck as he had painted her face for her. At the time she'd just seen it as him helping a friend out who was too worried to come up with anything to draw. Now though, the touch seemed more intimate to her, made her skin flush when she thought about it and a shiver run down her spine.
Grabbing the jar she quickly opened a drawer in the desk and stashed it there out of sight.
The quick movement jarred her leg and Kira winced, frowning down at her cast-bearing appendage as if it had offended her. A month of time had passed and Kira still didn't know how to deal with her injury. Everything else had healed; the stitches in her face removed two weeks ago, though it seemed the one that cut across here lip would leave a scar behind. The stitches in her shoulder and side had come out three days ago and while sore in places, her leg was really the only thing left hindering her. It would continue to do so for a while yet, dragging out her medical leave with it.
Kankurō had taken her place as Gaara's guard again for the time being. Even if the puppet master had broken his arm, it was healing much faster then her leg and didn't completely stop him from being able to do things. Hobbling around on crutches left her slow, unsteady, and bored. You could only do macramé for so long before all of the knots started to look the same.
Maybe she'd go see about finding a book to read. Nodding to herself, Kira set the pen down and pushed away from her desk, grabbing the crutches leaning against it. Maneuvering herself onto them even as her underarms protested, she got onto her one leg, thankful the cast had been done at a slight angle, just enough so her foot wouldn't touch the ground.
Leaving her room she passed through the Kazekage's home – her home now, she reminded herself – and headed toward the door to leave. The only sounds she heard came from the kitchen as per normal at this time of day. Everyone had things to do, jobs to take care of and Kira envied them just a bit. She would have done anything to be back to work; being bored out of her skull gave her too much time to think about things she didn't want to think about.
Like the Tsukuyomi.
Like her feeling for Gaara.
Like how her sleep was awful because she kept having nightmares.
Kira shook her head, closing the door behind her and making her way towards the stairs that led to the bottom floor. She didn't really want to think about any of those things, the second one being the one that reared its head the most. Everything she did seemed to remind her of the nagging truth of how she felt about her close friend...her leader...her boss. She didn't know what she could do except try to come to terms with it and Kira had for the most part. Knowing what to do with it now was another thing entirely.
It took her nearly twenty minutes to get to the first floor – steps and crutches really didn't work well together and Kira had to hold the crutches in one hand while the other gripped the railing and then she very, very carefully hopped down one step at a time. She found a few groups of higher ranked ninja milling about as she hobbled passed, having to pause as she tried to open the door. A few of their voice drifting close enough to hear the words.
"She's still here?"
"...Gaara's guard normally but she's on leave due to injury."
"So she's just taking up space..."
"...probably Kankuro's doing..."
"...doesn't seem smart at all."
Pushing the door open Kira let it shut hard behind her, shutting out the voices as well. It was the second time that week she had heard murmurs like that in passing. She couldn't really blame them for not understanding why she was still hanging around Gaara's home. She'd been given a room because she was guarding him, but nothing had changed on her leave either. She knew she didn't really have anywhere else to go and that in the end, the siblings had given her a place to live for more then just the convenience of a live-in body guard.
Didn't mean the whispers didn't bother her.
There was nothing she could really do about it, she reasoned, and pushed the thought away, staring her long journey over to the library. It normally took her no more the five minutes to get there, but with her leg the way it was it would take a lot longer then she wanted it to. She really hated how slow she was.
Moving through the village at her clipped gate, Kira watched as people milled about, a few smiles on their faces for the first time in a while. It had been announced a week ago that a celebration would be thrown in order to celebrate them winning the war and also so they could honor the dead and there was a murmur of anticipation in the air. It wasn't something she had expected but people seemed to be really excited. This wasn't the first time a celebration like this had taken place, but it had been a few years.
Kira had been surprised that Gaara would do something like that but then again maybe it hadn't been just him. Kankurō had mentioned that the siblings had spoken with the other council members and it had been decided that something needed to happen in order to lift the spirits of the village. Apparently, this was their big idea and even with the event still two days away, it seemed to be working. Shops had started displaying celebration wear, kimonos, and robes. She'd seen a shipment of what appeared to be paper lanterns pass by her early that week on the way home from the hospital. Kira had to admit she was kind of excited too, but would have been happier about it if she weren't stuck on crutches for it. That would make her list of activities quite a bit shorter, though she knew Aya was bound to drag her around anyway.
Lost in her own thoughts Kira brought one of her crutches down wrong and it got caught in a vender's table as she passed it. She flinched, her hand losing hold of it and her balance all at the same time. She threw her hands out in front of her, forgetting the other crutch and bracing to fall on her face for probably the 9th time since being stuck with them. She collided with a solid object looping around her waist before she could hit the ground. It knocked the air from her and she blinked, her nose a mere foot from the sand. Stunned it took her a moment to recognize the deep chuckle that vibrated through what seemed to be an arm holding her up.
"You're going to end up with a battered face for the party if you keep this up," Kankurō teased and pulled her back up straight. She cocked her head to the side to look at him as he kept his hold on her until she'd gotten balance back in her good foot. Where had he even come from?
"Kankurō? Shouldn't you be with Gaara?" she questioned with a disapproving frown. If he was going to fill in for her, he could at least take it seriously. He rolled his eyes, letting go of her and bending down to grab one of her crutches with his own good hand, the other still in a sling and practically as useless as her leg. She took it from him and then the other, arranging them back under her arms, as he stood straight again.
"He's in his office talking with Temari right now about something or another. I saw you out and about, and figured I'd check on you," he explained with a grin. Kira still didn't like it, but she let it go, nodding once and moving away from the shop's front so people could get to it without them both in the way. The puppet master followed her off to the side of the market place and then looked around. "Ag, okay, why don't we just get out of this area? Find a place to sit down for a bit. I've been standing all day," he complained and continued walking, forcing Kira to go after him. She had a feeling this had nothing to do with him and that he just wanted her off her feet. She smiled to herself unable to get annoyed with her friend when he meant well. They found a bench just outside of the busy market, the library in view now as they both flopped down on to the stone seats. "Things are certainly getting busy around here," he mused, throwing his arm out along the back of the bench. Kira smirked at his rather lazy lounging and simply rested her back.
"It's nice," she commented, watching as a couple of kids ran through, stopping at a shop to look at kites. "The festival was a really good idea, the people needed it."
"Yeah, we lost a lot of people in the war so it's about time we did something to brighten spirits," Kankurō replied back, staring ahead at the buildings across the sandy roads. "Everyone's been out of sorts since we got back. I know it hasn't been easy on anyone, including you Kira." He shifted his gaze to look at her for a moment and she frowned before looking down and clasping her hands together.
"I don't think anyone got out of that event without some baggage to take care of." It just depended on the person how much baggage there had been. "Even the people not fighting in the war got a taste of it thanks to the Tsukuyomi."
"Don't change the subject on me, Kira," Kankurō grumbled giving her a knowing look. She glanced down to her lap, avoiding his gaze. "Something's been up with you lately. You're starting to worry me and no doubt the others have seen it too." He had a point. Kira had seen the concerned glances on Temari's face, but the shadow user didn't know what she could really do about it. Everything was just far too complicated. A hand landed on Kira's shoulder and she flinched, not expecting the puppet master to be so demanding about all of this. "Come on, you can talk to me." There was a trace of hurt in his voice that made her look up at him, and she saw concern in his dark eyes that made her feel rather guilty. Why wasn't she talking to him about it? Kankurō was her oldest friend; she shouldn't be so uneasy about talking to him.
Yet he was Gaara's brother and what she needed to talk about was the redhead himself. She didn't want to make things awkward, or put her friend in a roll he didn't need. Who else could she talk to about it though? Tenten wasn't exactly close by and she didn't know Gaara that well. Kira loved Aya to death but talking about it with the blond would be like opening a can of worms. She kind of wanted to talk to Sai about this; he'd probably understand given his feeling for Sakura.
She really wished she could talk to her mom.
None of those options were viable, and really, the puppet master was more than likely her best option. She sighed, ringing her hands on her lap and looking down at them. Her mind wondered, thinking about how long she'd known the boy next to her. Nearly ten years, though a chunk of it had been spent with little to no interaction thanks to his father. Kankurō was someone she kept close to her heart, someone she could count on. If things were different, well, maybe things would have been less complicated. "You ever wonder if things would be easier... if the rumors people say about us were true?" She asked finally and felt him stiffen in surprise at such an out of nowhere question. She smiled slightly to herself, it seemed like a good way to start this conversation off.
"What? You mean about them all thinking we're secretly an item?" he asked confused and Kira gave a small nod of her head. He was silent for a long time after that and after a while, Kira glanced up at him. Kankurō was staring at her, a frown on his face that he only softened once she met his eyes. He sighed, shaking his head. "Yeah, maybe once or twice," he admitted with a shrug. "Not really because I think of you that way, I mean I've known you a long time and I can see why people think that but for it to really be true?" He rubbed the back of his neck, thinking. "I don't think it would work. We don't have that connection you know? We make awesome friends because we know each other so well but the idea of being with you like that? It wouldn't feel right." He was fumbling over his words, clearly unsure of how to explain himself without hurting her feelings. It was sweet and Kira smiled at his rambling. He was right after all, it would be weird and it might even ruin what they had now.
"We'd probably drive each other crazy," she agreed softly and he gave a short laugh.
"More than likely yeah. I'd much rather be your wingman then anything else Kira. You're kind of like a sister in a way. I like looking after you. It's why I'm here now," he pointed out and squeezed her shoulder lightly. She smiled and then looked back down at her hands, biting her lip and counting the seconds as another long pause in the conversation started, Kankurō withdrawing his hand and adjusting his arm sling. "Want to tell me why you asked that if you already knew the answer?" he ask after he was done, a brow rose. Kira ground the ball of her good foot into the sandy ground, trying to come up with a good way to explain it.
"When you were under the Tsukuyomi, did you see what you would have expected if you'd known that would happen?" She fidgeted with her shirt, whipping grains of sand from the sky blue fabric. "Did anything surprise you?" She was kind of hoping she wasn't the only one who had been caught off guard by her own heart and its wants. Kankurō made a small sound, apparently surprised once again by her question, but clearly annoyed that she was dodging his own.
"Not really, I mean that's what it does right? Shows you what you want, so of course I saw what I wanted, nothing else to it," he sounded slightly agitated to talk about it, which was fair Kira admitted. No one wanted to talk about it because of how it had been so painfully ripped from them. She wondered what Kankurō had seen, but knew she couldn't ask that right now, he'd only redirect her again. This was about her. "Did you see something you don't understand or something?" Well, at least he was catching on finally to what she was doing. She wanted to tell him but not without some explanation behind it.
"There was a lot in the Tsukuyomi vision I had that made sense; they were things I wished were true," she started off, agreeing with him and took a deep breath. "But there were other things I never thought of, things that make sense now but that I didn't even know I wanted until I saw them myself. It made me realize how blind I am to my own wants." Emotionally naive. That's how Kira felt about the entire event. She was nowhere near as bad at it as some people were, but it seemed that when it came to matters of the heart they flew right over her head.
"You've always been like that," Kankurō mused, leaning forward and resting his good arm on his legs, tilting his head to catch her eyes as they flickered up. "Even when we were kids you always talked about making your mom proud and protecting the village. You never really wanted anything in the way most kids do. Made getting you gifts kind of hard." He chuckled, more than likely remembering a one such instance. Kira's lips twitched into a small smile as she remembered one too of him asking her repeatedly what she wanted for her birthday and her continuing to say she didn't know.
"I guess I was content with what I had back then." Kira had wanted things, she knew that but she'd never felt like she could ask for them, not when she knew she didn't really need them. Even as a kid she'd realized being able to stay in the village was a big gift in itself and having Kankurō for a friend had been one too. Now that she was older Kira did want things but she normally was able to just get them because they were small things. More twine for her hobby, a treat from her favorite food stand. Anything else she might have wanted 'just because' she'd always made herself leave alone because she knew it would be better to give the money to her mom for bills. She didn't have that excuse anymore, and Kira had been thinking about certain items at the market she would like to put in her room and hang on her walls. That was paused for the time being, seeing as she couldn't do much decorating with her leg.
"Must have been something pretty shocking," Kankurō wondered aloud, breaking her thoughts apart and putting her back on track. "What exactly did you see in that perfect world?" He looked at her sincerely, an emotion the cocky puppet master didn't display all that much but that Kira knew he felt more often than most thought. She closed her eyes and took in a large breath.
Just say it and get it over with.
"I was... dating your brother," she whispered, her voice betraying her as it squeaked half way through. Her mind threw the scenes up behind her eyes again, her lips tingling enough that she bit her lower one to make it stop. Kankurō made a startled sound, sitting up straight.
"You... what?" he asked wearily. She shook her head, refusing to open her eyes. He probably thought it was insane; Kira herself still wondered if she'd lost her mind but the way her heart clenched at the thought of it wasn't easily to ignore. Once she'd gotten over the shock of her badly timed epiphany, coming to terms with it hadn't been nearly as hard as she'd thought. She remembered riding back to Suna on the giant owls, leaning against Gaara's back. It had been, comforting, and she'd felt her heart race when he hadn't pulled back.
That acceptance had only made it worse because now everything made her think about it and her mind refused to shut up, the words nearly screaming in neon colors across it. "I think I'm in love with Gaara," she said quietly, hands clenching together. "Or at least, something close to that..." She'd never been in love with anyone before so trying to figure out if she really was, wasn't easy. Maybe she should have spoken to Aya about it; the blond had been in a few relationships before and probably knew better how to tell.
It did feel kind of good to actually say it out loud, as if a weight were gone from her chest.
She wasn't sure what she had expected Kankurō's reaction to her confession to be really, but it certainly wasn't what happened. The older boy snorted and when she looked up he had a hand over his eyes and was biting his lip to stop from laughing, his shoulders shaking with the effort. Her jaw nearly dropped, gawking at him. Was he seriously laughing at her? She flushed, narrowing her eyes at him.
"Don't laugh at me you jerk!" Once again Kira wondered why she considered him one of her closest friends. Who laughed at someone who just confessed something so personal? If her leg wasn't injured and his arm wasn't broken she would have kicked him for this. After a moment Kankurō lifted his hand and put it out, palm forward in some kind of truce like gesture.
"So-orry!" He snickered through the word, breathing hard. "I just can't believe you finally figured that out!" His words defused into laughter again, this time unstopped and Kira felt her face turn red, her mind sputtering.
...What?
WHAT!
Had the entire world known about her own feelings before her? Did Gaara know? She really hoped that wasn't the case. Her snickering friend took a few deep breath, hand still up in the air before he sighed. "God damn, I really didn't think you would just come out and say it like that." He snorted again, fighting back the remains of his humor at her expense. Kira frowned at him looking down.
"I don't know how this is funny. Honestly it really has me confused." She knew he didn't mean anything by it but she was trying to be serious.
"I know, sorry," Kankurō said with a sigh, rubbing his neck, though a smile still remained on his face. "I didn't mean to laugh. It was just so unlike you to say something so bluntly and to top it off something like that. Shit Kira, I kind of thought you already knew." The stare he received back in reply dampened his grin and he let his hand rest back in his lap, leaning against the back of the bench. "Clearly I was wrong, sorry," he grumbled. She rolled her eyes. No he wasn't.
"Is it really that easy to see?" she said, wincing at the idea of everyone comically knowing her own feelings better than herself. He shook his head quickly and dispelled some anxiety right away.
"No. I don't even think Temari knows. Just me, and maybe Aya," he confirmed. The fact that her ANBU friend knew didn't surprise her; they'd only been friends a few years but Aya was extremely good at reading people. Kira tugged at a strand of her hair that had come loose from her ponytail, eyes on the sandy ground once more. She heard her friend shift again, shoes scraping on the ground. "Guess it was all a bit of a shock for you, huh?" He had no idea.
"I don't know why it never occurred to me..."
"Same reason why you never knew what to tell people to get you."
She heard him shrug his shoulders and she looked up at him for a moment. He gave her a comforting smile, all signs of teasing gone as quickly as they had come. Apparently he realized how much this meant to her.
"Like I said, you never really seem to think about yourself. When you're around Gaara you're thinking about his wellbeing, trying to make him feel better or talking about something else. You rarely ever let conversations with anyone focus on you, so I guess it makes sense that you wouldn't realize how you felt about my bro until it was shoved in your face. I can't really say I didn't see it coming, you caring about him that way," he admitted and Kira raised a brow at that.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, because I can see it. Have since the day you spoke up in his office really. You're a lot alike in some ways, dealt with similar shit growing up." He didn't sound happy about that at all. Kira remembered when he'd talked to her about what his father had done, after he'd found out why they'd stopped speaking to each other. He'd been angry, and rightfully so. "You're both stronger than most can hope to be, even on your own, but when you're near each other? It's like you both subconsciously know how to strengthen the parts of you that need it. I saw it when you got him to relax enough that he slept, and then when he gave you that face paint because he knew you weren't used to fighting without a mask. I never thought about doing either of those things for the two of you and I'm his brother, and your friend." He scratched his neck in thought, sighing. "It was just a feeling that became clearer as time went on."
He was right, Kira realized. She had always figured it was because she knew Gaara so well from the beginning of their friendship. Knew his gestures and expressions almost by heart after years of watching him. Reading him was easy for the most part and doing what she could to make him happy had just been a natural response to that knowledge. She remembered the night she got him to fall asleep, how she'd sat in his bedroom and hummed out a tune her mom had sung to her as a kid. She remembered how soft his hair had been through her fingers as she stroked it steadily and had watched his body relax on the bed. Thinking about that, Kira wondered if that had even been an act of friendship or if it had been her subconsciously doing it as an act of love. When had it even happened? Her relationship with Gaara had never really been a normal one, nothing like what she had with Aya or Kankurō. There had been a sense of trust, of closeness, even from the very beginning that had only gotten stronger as time had gone on.
Maybe she'd had feelings for him even before he'd known who she was. They'd just been so buried, so unknown to her that it had never struck her, not until the war. She might have known now, she might have accepted it, but Kira had a lot to work out still in her head.
"What do you think I should do?" she asked finally, looking to her friend. Kankurō tilted his head, looking thoughtful.
"Not sure," he admitted after a moment. "As things are currently, I don't think it would be wise to tell him, not right now. I'm not saying never tell him, but right now... well, the world is still trying to pick itself back up; everyone has a lot on their mind. I think it would be overwhelming for Gaara, if he knew about it right now, seeing as well, you know how he is."
She did.
Kira knew Gaara almost as well as his own family. There were a lot of consequences to her admitting her feelings to the sand user. Some personal, some political. He was her boss, she was his bodyguard and while they were friends there was always that whisper in the back of her head reminding her that he could command her into battle at any moment. What would happen if people knew his own bodyguard couldn't keep a professional distance from him?
Barring that problem, there was also the problem of Gaara himself. It hadn't even been a month since he'd found out his own mother had loved him and she could tell he was still processing that to a certain level. He was seeing the world from another view once again, just like when he'd met Naruto. It would be... almost cruel to throw something so personal at him like that now.
There was also the chance that if she told him, it wouldn't go well and things may never go back to the way they are now. That alone made Kira hesitate, biting her lip to help her think about something else besides how much she didn't like the right choice to make. "You're right," she agreed a bit sadly. "I can't do that to him. It wouldn't be fair." But not telling him made it feel like it wasn't fair to her. It made her chest hurt in fact, but she still knew the right answer. He came first. Kankurō was right, Kira always put herself last, and this time she was doing it by choice.
"I'm not saying never tell him Kira," Kankurō repeated firmly, the frown on his face somehow more defined by the paint pattern he was using. "You both deserve to be happy and not telling him, well, I think it would eat you alive over time." He patted her shoulder again, trying to be comforting. "Just don't tell him now, it's not like you guys are all that old. You have time." Once again, Kankurō was right. Despite his wisdom, Gaara was not even seventeen yet, though it was coming closer with each day. She was only a year older than him - actually more like a few months as she herself was still seventeen - and by all accounts they were still children. Jumping the gun wasn't a smart thing to do, but Kira had a feeling that now that her mind was made up not to tell him, that she may never find the courage to tell him later.
Maybe that was for the best.
"Okay," she said with a sigh, nodding her head in compliance and looking to her friend. "Thanks Kankuro. I... it helped to talk it out." The hand on her shoulder gave her a gentle squeeze before he pulled it away.
"Sure Kira. Come on, let's go get you a book." He stood up and turned, grinning at her surprised look. "What? You are one of my oldest friends; it was pretty easy to tell what you were up to once I figured out the path you were taking." He picked up one of her crutches handing it to her once she'd stood with the other in place. "Besides, you're going to need help carrying it with those things," he pointed out.
Kira grimaced when she realized he was right, once again cursing her damned leg. She couldn't even go get a book on her own. There were worse things, she reminded herself, thinking about the conversation they'd just had. Getting help from a friend was hardly anything to get annoyed about. Looking to Kankurō she nodded her head.
"Alright, come on human book bag," she teased lightly and started her way forward. The puppet master huffed, rolling his eyes, but he fell into step with her anyway. She would have to thank him later, for everything he'd done for her lately, but for now, Kira figured falling back into their normal childish banter was a good start.
...
He'd been reading a book when he heard it. A simple sound, the small creaking of a door opening. It was a sound that would normally not even register to Gaara, but given the hour his ears picked up on it as out of the ordinary. Except, in some ways, it was becoming normal. He knew who it was by the sound of their footsteps, or rather the one footstep and the creaking sound of crutches as they bared the weight of a person. Kira was up again. Glancing at the clock Gaara saw it was three in the morning and the redhead frowned. This was the third time in a week he'd heard her get up in the middle of the night. He never heard her come back either, meaning she most likely stayed up. It would explain the darkening patches under her eyes when he did see her around.
Setting the book down the young ruler stood up from the window seat in his room, a hand running over the collar of the simple clothes he wore when off duty. He thought about leaving his friend alone - he had so far - but Gaara decided that he couldn't continue to ignore it now that it was becoming a pattern. She'd been so off lately, Gaara worried about her almost daily to some degree. Having too much free time seemed to eat at Kira in an odd way, as if her mind were using the time to cause her problems. She'd been jumpier lately, withdrawn in her own thoughts. The redhead admitted he really hadn't had much time to speak with his friend since returning home, only checking on her when he could. That alone bothered him greatly.
It was time to change that.
Leaving his room he searched for her, down the hall, into the living room, and checked to see if her shoes were missing. They were there, so that meant she hadn't left the house. Pushing open the door to the dining area he found that empty as well. As he passed the kitchen door he heard the same small sound of crutches on wood and raised a pale brow. Pushing the door open he stepping into the area normally filled with the cook and his workers, but was now deserted except one black haired girl. She was only using one crutch as she moved around the kitchen, placing a teakettle onto a burner at the stove. Her hair was down and unbraided, hanging loosely over her shoulder to brush her mid back.
She didn't see him till she turned back around and started, nearly losing her hold on the crutch under her right arm. "Gaara?" she said bewildered, blinking rapidly. "I... What are you doing up?" She shifted her good foot, moving to hold her weight better. He raised his brows at her but she just gave him a small smile before looking off to the side.
"I was wondering that about you actually," he replied, stepping farther into the kitchen. "This isn't the first time this week. You've been sneaking around late at night quiet often." He wasn't trying to trap her into answering, but he was concerned. She needed sleep and for some reason she wasn't getting much. Kira's eyes flickered up to him and she tugged a corner of her lip up into a half smile.
"Keeping tabs on me? Or are you just always up?" She paused, thinking over her own words then made a face. "Uh, never mind." She turned to the side, bending over and opening a cabinet, snatching a cup out from under it and setting it on the table above. "You want some tea?" She was diverting the question but Gaara let her for the moment, nodding his head. She snatched up another cup, then moved to a canister on the table, opened it and pulled out two tea bags. He watched her drop the bags into the cups and then leaned on the table, pulling the crutch out from under her. She seemed to know her way around the kitchen rather well, which probably meant she'd been up at strange hours more than he thought.
Moving closer, Gaara stopped at the other side of the table, two feet of wood between them now, and rested his forearms on it, frowning at her. She met his gaze for a moment before looking down, biting her lip. She knew he wasn't just going to forget about what he'd said and he could see her fighting with herself about what to do. The hand closest to him on the table moved, pointer finger scratching at the finish, clearly not thinking about it as her mind was somewhere else. After a moment Gaara finally reached out and touched the back of her hand briefly. She glanced up at him again, clearly surprised and he caught her gaze in his, stilling her completely.
"What's wrong?" He asked again, eye searching her own golden yellow ones. She spent so much time helping him sort out his problems and was always there for him. All he wished to do was return the favor, but Kira had always been resisting in a way, the only time she'd really allowed it was when he'd sat with her after her mother had passed.
"I'm okay..." she started but he held her gaze still and she faltered in her rather easy to see lie. Sighing she finally broke his gaze, eyes sliding to look down at their hands. "I'm just having nightmares Gaara, it's nothing serious. I just can't sleep for a bit after I have them."
Nightmares?
Gaara wasn't particularly familiar with them, seeing as he didn't sleep that much and dreamed even less. He understood the concept of them, realized they were about people's fears and troubling memories. He could only imagine Kira's were bad, given what she'd seen in her life, but her staying up after them was a new occurrence as far as he knew. Just how bad were they? He would have asked but as he opened his mouth to do so, the teakettle began to boil and Kira straightened up, shifted her crutch back under her, pivoted, and turned off the burner on the stove before grabbing the kettle by the handle. She poured water into both cups quickly and then set the kettle back down on the stove. The tea bags were already turning the water a darker color and she stared at them for a few moments, looking slightly lost.
"Near the end of my battle with Kimimaro," she said suddenly, as she used the table for support again instead of the crutch, her tone soft despite the harsh topic. He was surprised she had suddenly just start talking, but dared not say anything else in case she stopped entirely. "After he hurt my leg I was...unable to move much, pinned to the ground, mind swamped with pain. He'd laid a trap for me that I'd foolishly jumped right into, using one of the Land of Iron samurai as bait." She grabbed the string on a tea bag and started moving the herbs up and down, turning the water darker much faster than before. Gaara hadn't heard about her battle from Kira at all before, only from Kankurō who had found her afterward. "He looked like a real monster at that point, using his curse mark form." He saw her shudder slightly and it brought back memories of his own fight with the bone user.
Gaara knew what she spoke of, how the young white-haired boy had turned into a misshapen demon, his temper changing completely. "I remember that," he said off hand. "His speed was nearly doubled, as was his power. His body became rather hard to harm as well." He saw her nodded in agreement, taking the tea bags out of the cups.
"Yeah. That's how my tonfa got smashed. I tried to hit him with it..." Her eyelids drooped slightly, her mind weary of the topic they were on. "After he had me trapped, I thought he'd let the hostage go, but he didn't, instead he... taunted me with the him. He wanted to prove a point to me because I had told him I was your guard." She paused, glancing up at him and Gaara blinked, surprised that she would have said that to an enemy, but didn't ask her why. It didn't matter, seeing as the bone user was dead once more. "He had it in his head to go find you, finish the fight you had started and I simply stood in his way. He wanted to make sure I knew I couldn't help you because I couldn't even save that samuri." She swallowed hard, her hands clenching together on the table they now rested on again. "He killed the samurai practically on top of me, ran him straight through. I... I got covered in his blood." She went silent after stumbling over those last words, her head tipped down, eyes pinned to the table and the two cups of tea. Gaara could almost hear her jaw clench together.
His chest tightened at her words, realizing just how much that must have affected her. No ninja liked being helpless - they were trained so that they wouldn't be - and Kira was no exception to that norm. He wondered if it had reminded her of her training under Korin, when the man had left her helpless and scared several times.
Was that why she was acting so strange lately?
"Kira..." he began, but suddenly the girl in front of him shook her head and quickly lifted her hand, moving one of the cups, scooting it across the table with a shaky grip.
"Here...it's going to get cold," she whispered drawing her hand back only for Gaara to reach out with a thin tendril of the sand from his armor to wrap around her wrist. It moved without him even really thinking about it, the grains tight but gentle against her skin. She jerked her head up to meet his gaze and he saw how frantic her eyes were, pupils constricted as she tried to calm her mind down. She glanced from him to her wrist and then back to him again. "I, um..."
"It's alright," he told her, unsure of what to do next. Should he let go of her hand? Move it? A shiver ran down her shoulders, onto her limbs so strong that Gaara felt it and he frowned as she shook her head.
"It's not," she argued. "I'm meant to be stronger than this, but he was right. I couldn't do anything to help that samuri and if I couldn't do that how in the world am I supposed to protect you?" Her teeth bit down hard on her lip again, her other free hand curling on the table as she leaned heavily on it to keep the weight off her leg. "How can you depend on me if I can't sleep because I keep seeing him die? If... If I wake up and feel his blood on my skin and hear his scream in my ears?" She hunched her shoulders, her hand clenching under his hold.
Gaara stared at her, unmoving, hardly breathing. He hadn't expected her to just blurt something like that out. Normally Kira was so careful about her words but it seemed that the war had gotten to her more than he'd first thought. Not that he could really blame her... a lot had happened that bothered him as well, not to mention his siblings. Temari was especially worried, not for herself but for the Nara boy who'd lost his father. She'd managed to convince him to come to Suna in the next week, as he was now the Envoy for Konoha.
The sand around her wrist tightened and she glanced up at him, moon gold locking with ocean blue-green. The waters in control of the sky for once. "You aren't meant to be anything, Kira," he said finally. "People can't choose our fates, though they may try. We can be more then they wanted us to be. You know that as well as I do." They were, after all, two people meant to be nothing more than weapons in the eyes of Suna's past rulers. Gaara had broken his own cycle, becoming the Kazekage, gaining the support of those around him. Kira had kept herself from becoming twisted into a killer as Korin had wanted, but he could still see the chains of the past holding onto her in places. "Are you going to let them win?"
She stared at him and Gaara was pretty sure this was the longest she'd ever kept eye contact with him before, her mind racing behind bright eyes. "I... that doesn't really fix the problem," she said softly and Gaara raised an eyebrow. She was clearly avoiding his question. Her eyes flicked over to his sand on her wrist again and she seemed to think about something for a long moment before she let out a long breath. "No. I never have. But now, I just..."
"I told you once before," Gaara said as she trailed off. "That I don't need a guard that is stronger than I am. I don't, nor have I ever wanted you to feel like you needed to keep me safe all on your own. I picked you because I trust you and I know we can work well together." She knew him better than most and Gaara felt like he knew her well enough to read her movements, her expressions. It was essential in a pair of fighters. "As for the nightmares," he added when she started to protest. "You can talk to me Kira, you know that. It would help, make things seem less crushing if someone else carries the weight as well. We have to look after each other." It was what teammates did, and while they weren't that in the common term, in a lot of ways it was similar. They were also friends. Close friends. He wanted to help her, wanted to see her happy.
"You did say that before," she agreed sheepishly, her free hand skimming the lip of her cup with a finger. Her eyes flickered back up to his and she gave him a small smile. "I guess I let things get the better of me. Thanks, Gaara, for reminding me." At least she realized it, Gaara thought, and nodded his head, finally letting go of her hand and picking up his cup to take a sip. She pulled her hand back and just rested it on her side of the table, her other hand still dancing along the edge of the cup, her eyes drawn there now as she thought. "You know," she said after a moment. "If we're looking after each other, we should both probably try to get some sleep." While she was right, Gaara found himself grimacing at the thought of it. Hadn't she just been saying she was having nightmares? For how little sleep the redhead got he certainly didn't want any of those.
"Perhaps," he relented and he saw her lips twitch as if she were holding back a grin. Well, at least he'd somehow lifted her spirits, he'd call that an accomplishment.
"I can stay in the room with you?" she offered. "That way you know I'll rest as well." She had a point, though she could easily just pretend to sleep or wait for him to fall asleep and then get back up. He narrowed his eyes at her, wondering if she would truly do as she said. She blinked, raising her dark brows and then finally grinned, apparently realizing where his thoughts were going. "I promise." She tilted her head and took a sip of her tea. Gaara felt like rolling his eyes, knowing he was already doomed to giving into her since she wouldn't go to sleep if he didn't. Sometimes, she acted a bit too childish. Maybe Kankurō was rubbing off on her.
"I suppose," he agreed after a moment and she smiled, enjoying her little win. They sat silently drinking their tea for a few minutes before the shadow user spoke again.
"You know, tomorrow's that celebration," she started setting her cup down and drawing his attention. "There should be some fireflies later on in the night." She gave him a meaningful look and it took the sand user half a moment to figure out what she was talking about. Their promise, the one they made before the war started, to enjoy the fireflies together. Gaara remembered how much he'd held onto that promise during the war, used it to anchor himself during trying moments. His lips twitched into a small smile.
"I remember. We'll have to do that," he offered and she gave him a smile back, pleased that he had remembered. As if he could every really forget, even with everything that had been going on. He didn't think he had it in him to break a promise to her, not when she clearly trusted him to keep them. She held her cup between both hands, elbows on the table to support her. She looked far more relaxed than she had before.
Later, Gaara would wake up in the early morning to Kira asleep in a chair, head on her arms against the foot of his bed, a gentle smile on her lips that made his chest twinge with warmth. It would be a sensation he would come to realize meant far more then he had ever expected.