They say when you get past a difficult period of your life, you are credible enough to gain yourself back with a dose of strength to tackle such obstacles in regard to your previous experience with tragedy.
Now that I seem to be past through those enormous script mentioned above, I could hence conclude the statement to be nothing more than a virtuous bullshit.
As I picked the paint brush for the fourth wise, gritting my harmless teeth as I did so- seated on a wooden stool facing a virgin canvas-untainted and in submission to my unwilling streaks of colourful assault as I angrily stroked the bristles across the white waxed expanse.
Alas, suffering as I succeed.
With the lively pulse of heart that throbbed even through with my skin gathering a layer of sweat by the neck as it acted stubbornly I realised the more I continued my painting the farther I was from the clutch of anxiety. The activity I sure thought of to be a chore soon dissolved my biggest fear to the corner.
The fear of losing passion.
Chuckling faintly at the Encaustic details I had done with the wax- deciding on one of the most excruciating form of art after so long of not being able to doodle a decent one, I gave an imaginary pat on my back. Then laughed hysterically as Emily walked in- wasn't a surprise since it was her studio.
"You bitch" she grinned, her blue bright gaze rounded at my work "you did it" she lets out a breathy laugh as I shrugged happily. But how could happiness look so uncomfortable on me worried the heck out of my sanity?
Then I realised that being lightheadedly drunk in afternoon and sanity just don't fit right. So I sighed.
"You look pale" she glanced at me softly. I brought the flask of lemonade to my lips- preference had been hot not cold. So when the citrus tea steamed by the crook of my sensitive teeth, i scrunched my nose up and left the ware on table.
"I am good" I assured.
"You are not a convincing liar"
"I am, only if you weren't so psychologically gifted" huffing the strand of hair from my face I walked to the kitchen counter and sat by the steaming pot of brewing coffee. Just something warm to stop the cold from freezing my bones.
"Turn the heat on Emily" even my voice trembled as I spoke looking around and then accusingly at her "your home if freezing" while I adjusted the cardigan I saw a confused frown wave by her feature.
"It's ON and working just fine. I am sweating actually"
As she said I looked down to inspect, so was I. My hem was soaked with a thin line of perspiration. But my sweat was less profound. It was chilling to be precise. Stealing my gaze away sniffing, I blinked in hasty to wind up my hazy gestures-
"Thea" Emily began, the nostalgic sympathy and tender concern in her utterance was reserved for her once- the person who often carried out the act of consoling had always been me . But days change and tables turn. So I turned to stare at her with a willing smile.
"I am fine"
Not a spec of satisfaction by her.
"Why aren't you coming with me then?" Folding her arms by her belted dungree dress she quirked her brow "You skipped two work days and you are here at my apartment attempting your therapeutic painting now of all the times we had begged you to. I know something is up and I am not leaving until you tell me what?"
Inhaling sharply I poured myself a cup of coffee-
-then patted the seat next for her to sit. When settled in I weaved through the woollen fabric of my cardigan for my phone- when I found the mail I had been looking for I slide the upfront screen across to her.
"What's that?" Perplexed she takes in the information, her orbs beelines from left to right and so on, then she erectly lifts her gaze to look at me- a resilient question lingers between us. I answer her with a nod.
"I was drugged" though I bet my face won't show a drizzle from hurricane and anger that brewed within me, with a passive sip of my coffee I continued apparent to the horrified wait Emily was repenting "The void in memory, its not because of accident. It was a strange drug that's in my body that did it"
I gave Emily some time to catch up. When she did she was a blubbering mess- more messier than what I had been when Dr.Andrews had informed me of this new speculation this morning.
"Bu-but why- WHY?" She whisper yelled, I sipped further.
"My question is why would I be lied to?" I squinted my eyes to glare at the dark counter top "London- it all began there. I wasn't taken advantage of- and it wasn't even that kind of drug. Dr.Andrews assured me that much. I also have a heck of sum in my bank account from anonymous source that I have no clue about. I just knew all while that it wasn't my terrible driving that caused this- and why would medical faculty would cover up and lie to us?"
She listened to me in silence. Then read my report again and again, then exhaled exhausted as she poked her tongue inside her cheek.
"So what are you going to do now?" She asks. "I guess telling Felix about this is nowhere near your belief even though that would be my best bet"
Finishing up my coffee, though alcohol and caffeine both fought to keep up- the warm drink won as I stood alert -picking my mug to the sink I thought of what's next.
"Nothing at all. Where to begin? I have no presumption or notion. Blind as a bat" I spit the lie. When she walked up to me and hugged me, I smiled behind her back as I rested my chin upon her shoulder.
Not a convincing liar Emily?
Glad I am not that bad. I can't have her rooting for something that I don't see the end for.
When she released me from the embrace she gave me a suspicious look-
"You aren't hiding more from me are you?" With rigorous shake of my head I pushed her towards the direction of the door.
"Just leave, you are already three hours late and even if Mr. Torres doesn't lurk around its still too unprofessional for your CV in future"
She rolled her eyes and stumbled around
"Don't think the talk is over, once I come back we have lot to go over" she scolds as I scoff like a brat. When she left after three whole minute of making sure I was alright I sighed when the door finally creeped shut. Leaving me alone to my thoughts.
And as soon as the thoughts clawed at me I couldn't help with the weight of one more mail that burned through my vision.
You aren't hiding anything anymore are you?
Emily and her remark resounded like an echo, she had asked again just before shutting the door, her eyes brimmed with ache to stay behind, but she also seem to know that I needed space for myself. Space to breakdown.
And I did it as soon as she left. Brokedown -I chuckled as a sob geared through me. A painful hic cup jerked my body as I attempted to hold my tears, it only increased the overwhelming emotion of helplessness. My palms shivered when I covered my mouth as I went through my sole report that Dr. Andrews had taken in doubt. But proved out to be the biggest game changer among my other worries.
The effect of what that stimulate had done to my body wasn't fatal. But to know that it had made my womanhood useless by destroying what made me a woman in the first place wrecked me.
I was no more fertile.
I can never become a mother.
Recalling how I had wanted so many childrens of my own in past wasn't proving to be outright sedating.
It went on. My futile attempt to make everything work by bawling my eyes out. I don't know how long I went on- staying on spot as the tears on my skin dried. Patched or worse, just got washed by more until I had enough.
Wiping them and cycling a breath restoration I glared at the wall.
I just can't let this go. Not when I know who could help me. Mr. Yu could, not because he had the contacts or funds to find me my past, But for he is probably the only one who bothered to comeback into my life.
I closed my eyes, patting the pockets of my jeans where my Polaroid from London rested, with a written scripture so obvious-
Euphoria of U
And his urgency to be found. To be put together. As if waiting to be asked everytime he slipped.
'call me U, like the alphabet'
Nibbling on my lower lip I rested my side on the foot of the couch, seated on rugged floor I also remembered how unconvincing it felt to compare the two situation. Maybe- it had been a coincidence. After it was just a play of letters.
But it wasn't so coincidental until I had basically ripped down my cartons from oversees that I hadn't unpacked since I came back to find out something odd, a clue and bill, a note, anything.
The whole day I had failed to do so, but When the last box with my paintings came in- I had to chug in a bottle of wine before doing so. By then I wasn't going anywhere with Disney duvets, fairy lights and tweety pillows.
While flipping through pages of my sketch book one after another, I kept my patience- I had thanked heavens for the alcohol working on my system- stopping me from throwing the entire stash out of the window or setting the room on fire.
Until the one page flapped and settled in, the one that demanded my attention even from the lifeless paper.
Though not the entire face- I did stared at a familiar sketch of a pair of eyes staring right back at me.
Not just any eyes.
His eyes.
Then, I had ran to Emily's house- escaping from what I would've done if I stared more at that forbidden art.
Called him? Met him? Demanded an explanation from him?
None.
I wouldn't have done any of the above since all I could think of was my clear fist meeting his perfect jawline until it wasn't so perfect.
Until he wasn't a counterfeiting Mr. Yu. But the one he says he is-
The one I probably had known- had drawn.
The one who is just U.
Just him.