As the water dripped down my face and blurred my view, my mind ran a million miles a minute to weigh the options I had. I could be stubborn and get soaked —which meant I also had to sacrifice the electronic devices that were now sitting inside my bag, or I could jump into Blake's car and sacrifice my dignity. And as pathetic as I was, I groaned and opened the passenger door before sliding in. My car was broken down and I had no idea how much it would cost me, I just couldn't afford to ruin my phone and my freaking iPad right now.
If Blake minded that I drenched his leather seat, he didn't show it. He silently started driving while turning on the heating button and the fan to help me dry up faster. I wanted to say thank you but my pride prevented me from doing so. But again, it meant that I proved him right about me behaving like a child.
"Thank you," I said eventually.
"No problem."
And we fell into horrendous silence again. I tilted my head to the window, watching the blear objects in the pouring rain on the side of the street. The water cascaded from the sky like a quiver of arrows hitting the window glass, creating a melodious rattling sound.
Sitting in Blake's passenger seat in a downpour reminded me of the night when he took me home from the bar. The night when I was on an emotional roller coaster and didn't know how to get off the ride. What I did was tangle up one mistake to another until I didn't know anymore how to unravel them. I knew it was just a few months back but it felt like a long time ago.
Thanks to the heating fan, I was pretty dry when we reached my driveway. I was aware that the reason behind Blake taking me home was to continue what we had started at work. As much as I was tempted to grab the door handle and bolt out of the car, the small voice in my head ordered me to stay. I was done running; I wasn't that girl anymore. Once I decided to get into his car, I knew that I would need to deal with this.
"I've been thinking about what you said," I started, glancing at him while unbuckling myself. "You may be right about overstating my qualifications. I should have applied for this job fairly by competing with other candidates that were being considered. It would've been the best way to make sure no one can use it against me when I make mistakes."
"Jennifer–"
"I will submit my resignation, effective the day you find my replacement."
Blake groaned as he ran his finger over his hair. "We are not looking for a replacement, and you are staying."
"I don't think it's a good idea."
"That is the idea!" Blake replied sternly. "Here is your chance to prove me wrong. You shouldn't just go back down and let all my words go straight to your head. Fight me back, kick my ass, because you know that everything I said was wrong!"
Shifting my gaze from the road, I narrowed my eyes on him. "Did you just admit you're wrong?"
"I did, yes." Blake turned off the engine and unbuckled himself. Since the fight we had this afternoon, it was the first time I could study his face closely. His jaw clenched as his lips made a straight line. When the headlight from the passing car flashed across his face, I could see the dejection glint in his midnight blue eyes. "I'm sorry for attacking your professionality. That was harsh and uncalled for. I know I can be cruel and insolent sometimes, but I didn't mean what I said."
"It doesn't matter if you meant it or not. Your words stung, a lot. It was just one mistake, Blake. You know I've been working my ass off to catch up with the work demand while tidying up Ashley's mess. And I've never missed a freaking day. What more do you expect from me?"
Blake opened his mouth to reply but I didn't give him a chance to speak. "And the hickey. Did you really think I purposely came to work to show it off? Who wasn't using the brain here? I'd been running around in a stressful morning, lacking food and drink, and I forgot about the hickey because it was just the last thing on my mind!" The more I talked the more I got worked up. My breath became labor from the building rage. "You even compared me to a striptease!"
"No, I did not."
"You kinda did."
He shook his head. "No. What I meant is that you acted as if you worked at a strip club. I was referring to the work atmosphere where sexual activities are more exposed and accepted there. Anyway, I don't have anything against strippers. They work to earn money just like the rest of us. Some of us are just not that lucky." He paused and glanced at me. "I didn't mean to offend you by insinuating that you're a stripper or something of the sort."
"Well, I was insulted," I said, still feeling the pinch of his harsh words. "I don't know what your problem is, but man were you too far."
Blake grimaced but instead of replying, he kept his mouth shut. After several minutes of silence, he cleared his throat.
"When I saw the hickey, I was pissed. It felt like you showed it off purposely because you wore your hair in a ponytail. People normally hide the mark, Jennifer, but you did quite the opposite. I didn't know how to think differently. Also, imagining someone did that to you, bothered me more than I was willing to admit."
I frowned, trying to understand what he was trying to say. "I don't fully understand, wait, were you...jealous?"
"Yes, I was." He sighed, turning his body to me. "I am."
"Oh." That was the only word I could muster. I was flabbergasted. After all this time, I was still not used to his straightforwardness. My head went blank, not knowing what to say or what to do, but I knew my stomach started to flutter.
"I know we've been doing well in keeping each other at arm's length to keep things professional. In the beginning, I was very sure what we had was just a sexual attraction, but now I'm not so sure anymore."
I gulped, feeling my throat go dry all of a sudden. I bent down to grab my water bottle from my bag on the car floor. Slowly, I drank the water until the imaginary dry lump in my throat subsided. Blake didn't say anything further but his eyes never left my face.
"Sorry, I got thirsty," I said after putting my bottle back in my bag.
"It's fine."
"I..." No matter how hard I was trying to fish a word out of my brain, I was still too stupefied to talk.
"I'm not going to go further with this because we know this is not what we need right now. But, anyway, it didn't justify what I did and said to you."
I blinked as my brain was trying to catch up. Was he trying to see that he wanted more?
No matter how strong the attraction that pulled me into him, I just didn't want to throw myself back into vulnerability. I'd learned that casual hookup might work for me, but with him, it would never be casual. He was too intense, too dangerous. I just couldn't trust myself around him.
"I'm sorry that I hurt you today, Jennifer." Blake's deep voice pulled me out of my little bubble.
I shifted my eyes to meet his dark eyes. Part of me wanted to make him suffer longer by pinning him more into his guilt, but the sincerity in his voice started to break my walls. I shook my head. "This is weird."
"What is?"
"That you're apologizing after throwing harsh words at me. I've heard worse things about you and what you did to those post-grad students. Blake Andrew never apologizes."
"I don't need to when I'm right."
I rolled my eyes. "Do you know what labels they made for the professors at the Assessment Center?"
"They made labels?"
"Yes. Mrs. Sue the opportunist, Mr. Walter the friendly guy next door, Mrs. White the wise grandma, and Mr. Andrew the pain in the ass."
"Oh."
"So far, you're the winner."
He raised his eyebrows. "Did you just congratulate me?"
"Hell, yeah. You've been flawlessly staying in character."
"Ouch." Blake winced.
When I realized that I was smiling at his reaction, I immediately changed my expression back to a straight face. I was still pissed at him after all, and I was not going to give him the impression that his harsh attitude would be easily forgotten.
"Alright. Give me some time to get over this. And I'm tired. It's been a long day," I said as I picked up my bag. "I'm going to go inside now. Thank you for the ride, Blake."
"Okay. Wait here." In one swift movement, he jumped out of the car and closed the door behind him. The rain wasn't as heavy as when I hopped into his car, but it was too dark to make out what he was doing outside in the rain. I heard a thud sound from the back of his car, making me turn my head to search for a glimpse of his figure once again.
I was about to grab the passenger door handle when it was pulled open from the outside. Blake stood in front of me with a rainbow umbrella over his semi-wet hair.
"I'll walk you to your door."
Weeks went by and the thing between me and Blake had returned to its normal rhythm. Since the master's program had already started, we were back on the last-name basis to avoid unnecessary questions from the postgraduate students. True to his label, Blake was back to being a pain in the ass for everyone. The sweet and gentle guy I got to see that night after the fight hadn't put on a good appearance ever since.
He did walk me to my door that night even though I told him it wasn't necessary. Squeezing in under the umbrella, we walked across the front yard which was also the tenant parking lot. Despite my attempt to stay unaffected, I couldn't help enjoying the sensation of our shoulders pressed together while his scent evaded my nostrils. I wished the front yard had been larger than it already was so that we could walk like that forever.
I was brought back to the current moment when Mrs. White walked into the front office with her notoriously comforting smile plastered on her face.
"Our day hasn't started yet, and you're already busy daydreaming," Mrs. White remarked, making me laugh.
"Busted."
The woman chuckled. "Pray tell, who is the lucky guy?"
"Oh, you don't want to know." I winked as I got up to fetch the files for today's assessment.
"Hmm, I think I know the guy." She smiled knowingly, sitting down at the empty spot on my desk. "It must be the young man with glasses who came to bring you the donuts the other day."
I released a breath I didn't know I was holding. "Oh, he was just a friend. He made a stupid mistake and wanted to buy my apology with a box of donuts."
She raised her eyebrow. "I see. Did it work? The apology?"
"The apology, yes. But it didn't change anything between us. And he's now back to school, a thousand miles from here."
"What a bummer," Mrs. White replied. "Now I'm intrigued, if it wasn't him, who is it then?"
"He's... just an insufferable person that I don't even know why I'm thinking about him now." I laughed awkwardly. No way in hell I would tell her about Blake.
Mrs. White's eyes twitched in amusement, "Ah, love and its complexion. But that's what makes a life worth living. I was once young and madly in love, too, you know."
I smiled, remembering the story she told me about her first time meeting her late husband. "I believe you. Your husband was a very lucky man."
"I still believe I am the lucky one." She smiled as her eyes stared blankly at my computer screen. "I miss that lad every day."
I scowled at myself inwardly for bringing up her dead husband into our conversation. Way to bring down the mood. "Anyway, someone else you've also been missing is coming back soon. This is my last two weeks before Ashley claims back her seat," I announced happily in an attempt to cheer her up.
"Ah." Mrs. White's eyes twinkled once I mentioned Ashley. "It's always good to have her back, but you'll be missed, Jenny."
"Thank you," I replied, suddenly feeling sad that my last day was drawing near. Four months working in this Assessment Center was enough to give me a sense of belonging.
"With two people leaving, this Assessment Center will be a little bit different." She sighed.
"Huh? Two people?"
"Yes." Mrs. White stared at me with a questioning look. "Oh, you haven't heard the news? Blake is leaving."
"What? B- Mr. Andrew is leaving?" I stammered. "Leaving as in resigning from this university?"
"Oh no, he is not quitting. He just needs to go for a while. Our university is collaborating with Brimance University on a research project. It requires him to travel a little bit for data collecting, but then we don't know if he will be back to this center."
"Oh." I bit my lips, refraining from asking further or Mrs. White would suspect something. "How long will he be away?" So much for refraining.
Mrs. White's eyes twitched again. "Months maybe? I'm not sure. Why don't you ask him yourself tomorrow?"
"Right. I will." I grabbed the files from my desk. "I'm going to bring this inside."
I strode to the test room while hugging the documents against my chest, ignoring the tight knot in my stomach. Blake was going to be away for some time yet he never brought this up, even during our casual convos between tests. It implied that I wasn't significant enough for him. Why bother asking him then? It was clear enough to see where we stood.
Maybe this was what we needed.