The car pulled up in the drive way, easing in before I switched it off. My eyes took in the large house in front of me, the staff waiting for me at the wide open door. I wish I could tell you that it got better, wish I could tell you that I could see colour again but I am afraid I could not. The pain was still as if it happened yesterday, the guilt, the hate and anger just there and never going away. Every day was a struggle, it was as if I was not alive, just moving through life and seeing it pass by, day after day.
I blinked, my hands moving from the staring wheel as I undid my seat belt. I sat, taking a deep breath with everything silent all around me. For a second I could not hear anything, for a second it seemed everything had paused and the pain came crushing down. I turned, my door was opening with me grabbing my coat and slipping out.
"Mr Vintagè," the valet greeted as I nod my head in acknowledgement. I slipped out, passing him and going to the back door to open it. I could not see his face, everything just bland and the same to me. I could feel the eyes on me, could feel them burning me without even turning to look at the window on the fifth floor. The door was opened and I blinked. Red was tucked in her car seat, dead asleep. She wore her black leggings with an oversized yellow adidas sweater and sneakers. Her thumb was in her mouth even in sleep and getting it out was just a war with her.
I undid the belts, careful to not wake her for she was a force to be reckoned with. I picked her up – my baby. I brought her to my chest with her stirring in sleep, her body eased down on my chest where she nestled and went straight back to sleep. She was my world, everything revolved around her and she was what kept me bolted down to sanity, my rock. I moved again, taking her two bags and holding them with my one hand before stepping away. My eyes trailed down to make sure she was comfortable. The truth was that I did not know what I was doing, most of the time I was just lost, lost on what to do, wondering if I was doing it right.
I turned, taking the first step up as the lady came meeting me half way.
"Mr Vintagè," She greeted as I nod my head as always, I could not remember the last time I had a full conversation with anyone, could not remember the last time I could just breathe. I sighed, walking up the stairs with the head help walking next to me. I followed as she led me around the house, there were a few staff members walking around and doing their chores yet I could feel their stares not that they bothered me. At this point in my life nothing bothered me, nothing had me think twice because everything was just black and blue, I was numb, numb from everything, numb from life.
We walked around the house, guards watching me like a hawk until we stood infront of the golden doors that closed as soon as I walked in. I walked further in, my eyes scanning the room until I found her. Czarina was on the floor wearing jean shorts and a t-shirt. Her nurse was by the corner, sitting on a chair and watching her just like all the five times I had been here. I could only see her once a month yet even with the five months gone all I could do was sit on the floor and watch her play in the far corner she loved so much. It was okay though, just seeing her was enough for me, it was more than I could ask for and I was forever grateful for the chance. My bags were placed on the couch, easing myself on to the carpeted floor so I could see Czarina properly. My eyes fell on Red who was still asleep with her nose covered in sweat.
I sat back my eyes taking in Czarina who just turned to give me a look before looking away and going back to her blocks. She was the spit image of her mother, so beautiful with her growing so fast. I could not believe how she had grown, getting taller by the day and yet I could not still forget the picture of that tiny baby I had held in my hands when she was born. Czarina had been small, so small it had had my heart nearly stop yet here she was now. Her eyes were dark and every time she stared at you it was as if she was looking through your soul.
The nurse looked up at me then went back to read her book. I knew why she was here, knew why she never left. They might have allowed me to see Czarina but that was all that I was allowed to do. Red shifted in my hands, my eyes looking down, her hands rubbing on her swety nose over and over. She was getting restless with her feet moving until her cry broke through. I grabbed the bag, pulling out her bottle and quick to stick it in her mouth, her cries were like sirens from hell. Red had lungs, and at a point in time only those cries would snap me out of my absent state. I never went anywhere without her, I would sit by the corner of my room, watching her sleep all night in her crib. The room was still as 'she' had left it. I swallowed, the thought of my wife bringing such pain yet she was all that clouded my mind night and day. I still could not believe it, sometimes I would just sit in my study and just stare at her desk as if she would suddenly walk on the room. I missed her, missed her with all I had as the hole in my chest seemed to get larger and larger every single day. Sometimes I felt like I would just collapse and die, sometimes it was hard to just get up and I had spent so many nights holding my gun in hand, so near to the breaking point.
Red pushed back the bottle, snapping me from my thoughts as I looked down on her. I took the bottle away and closed it. Her body was brought up to my shoulder as I pat her back with her napkin placed under her so she would not spill all over me. I pat her back, something she really loved as she laughed having her voice waver. My head went to the day we had gone to the picnic just before the fight. I remembered everything as if I was just going through it at that moment. I could smell the air, see Lethu as she smiled, running away from me after taking all those pictures.
The hardest part had been to realise that she had planned for this. She had written letters for both Red and I, letters that Red was supposed to read having reached different age. Lethu had made videos, took pictures for us to hold when she was gone. My heart broke as I thought about it, my hands shaking. She had knew that at some point she had to make the hard decision because I had been so stubborn, she had been ready to sacrifice herself for me. Red burped and I blinked the emotion away as I brought her forehead to my lips. She giggled with her legs kicking. She was my light, all I had. I opened her other bag, taking out her toys to lay them on the ground before putting her down to play. She was quick to run to her rubbery toys. I sat back, my arms folding on my chest as my eyes trailed to Czarina who played not minding anyone else.
I wished I could say something to her, wished I could apologize and say something yet I could not. I had missed so much of her life, did not even know if being here was the right thing for her. Sometimes it was better to walk away than keep bringing pain into someone's life. If I had walked away with Harley and if I had walked away from Lethu then she would be alive, she would be starting a family somewhere with someone else. I was no good to no one, was a root of so much pain.
I blinked, Red nowhere to be seen. My heart went drumming hard as my eyes searched the room and there she was crawling her way to Czarina. She paused, looking back at me before looking back to where she was going. Czarina stopped what she was building and looked at the baby that was making itself to her. I did not know if to grab Red or not but decided to just sit and let them play. Red got to Czarina, falling to her butt with her tongue out, surely exhausted. Red looked back at me before looking at the blocks Czarina was using. She quickly grabbed one she could then went back crawling. Czarina stood up, watching the little devil crawl away. She crawled and crawled until she reached me then threw the block on my lap. I smiled, nearly laughed at this as I took it and gave her a huge smile. Red giggled then went back crawling, by the time she was coming back with her second block Czarina had figured her out and it was hell. Czarina went running after the baby. I watched as she ran with her bracketed legs, eyes fixed on Red sure to teach her a lesson. Red looked back, seeing that there was no way out of this so she sat down and started crying but Czarina was not having it. The two year old snatched away her block, giving Red a warning look before walking back to her playground. Red cried even harder, throwing a fit which I had to get up and walk to her. I picked her up in my arms, bringing her to my chest. I loved this little beast. My eyes trailed to Czarina who was back playing with her toys not giving two shits on what was happening around the room. I wished I could reach out to her yet she avoided me like a plaque and never stared at me at the face for the first time she screamed so much she fainted. I swallowed, turning and walking back to the floor where I sat holding the seven month year old baby. She cried and stopped when I showed her the one block Czarina had forgotten about.
The day moved on, Red not giving up on getting those blocks to me with Czarina soon running on a short fuse and pinching the baby so hard Red went rouge. The visit was cut short with us heading back after a couple of hours. The Rogerou's always stayed clear when I was around. I had not seen them after the hospital. It had been a month after when I had sent a letter to Harley, formally apologizing on everything because after everything that had happened I had not apologized, not even once. A letter had soon been sent back which I had not expected and they had granted me visiting rights for just once a month and that was the last time we had made contact. The car pulled up to the airfield where my jet was waiting where I left it. I parked the car, undoing my seat belt then walked out. I grabbed Red with all her things, she had cried herself to sleep with her chest rising up and down with her arm still so red where she had been pinched.
The sun was still up in the sky, a cool breeze kicking in with the sounds of the ocean being heard from here. I took the steps one at a time with the baby in my hands. Her nose was sweaty again as she shifted her head with her hands clenching my t-shirt. My head dipped, walking in the jet as the attendant came greeting and took my bags. I sighed, so tired having not slept in so long, could not really remember when last I had just lay down and slept. Sleeping somewhere other than our room was something I could not do yet I could also not bring myself to lay in that bed without her. The pillow still smelt of her, the sheets with all her things just as she had left them. I did not want to lose all that I had left of her, did not want to forget the way her hair smelt, did not want to get rid of the dent on the pillow she slept on.
"Why back so early?" The voice came bringing me out of my thoughts. My head snapped to Alex who sat at one of the chairs with his laptop in front of me. He always came with me here yet never stepping out of the plane. There was no people he hated than the Rogarous , spitting every time he heard their name with the death having hit him hard. The relationship between Elijah and Alex had forever been ruined and day after day I had walked down stairs to find him eating breakfast my kitchen. Alex had picked a room and basically moved in my house, always there and never leaving even after six months.
"Yeah, Red picked a fight with her older sister and it did not end well." I aid back with Alex freezing in place. His eyes trailed up to me with his mouth hung open. I knew why he was so dazed, shocked. I had never spoke more than two words to him after the day Lethu died, I had just shut down yet he had still stayed and had not given up even when I punched him, screamed and threw glasses at him yet he stayed and took all that came. Some part of me felt guilty, he had also been grieving and I had not been there for him, I took a seat next to his as he turned to look at me before closing his mouth.
"Let's go home, Melissa called, she is coming from The states and is moving in." He said as I nod my head, looking away with my heart at ease knowing that she was okay after disappearing after the funeral.
"Let's go home."