❝Now do you love me?❞
Chapter 31 | apologizes
my starlight,
with you i have found a person who has a soul and heart too big for her. with you i have found someone who's heart escapes through their eyes and rolls down their cheeks. please don't cry aera. for you are the loveliest, and most beautiful person i have ever met. even that is a understatement.
i have always been a romantic at heart, but i have never once believed you could love someone deeply as i love you. it was from the moment i saw you, you looked at ruin and you saw beauty. you looked at me, and saw someone worth saving. and for that i will be forever grateful.
Aera's doe eyes turned towards him, and she smiled softly. Her eyes flitted back to the letter, "What are you referring to?" she asked, and Luce flushed. He hadn't expected to be questioned on his letters. He awkwardly scratched the back of his head, his smile faint in his lips.
"I don't know" he mumbled, teasingly, and Aera giggled softly. "I deserved that" she mumbled. They'd walked back to his house, and under the rosy glow of the sun, she shone. Like his own sun, his own star. She was stunning, in Luce's eyes, she had always been stunning.
"Te ves bonita todos los días" He mumbled, soflty, his words reflecting his thoughts. Aera turned up to look up at him, her eyes crinkled lightly as she smiled at Luce. "What'd you say?" she asked, and Luce shook his head. A faint blush overcoming his face. Aera sighed, knowing he wasn't going to tell her. A faint smile on her face, her eyes then they absentmindedly drifted back onto the letter.
you look around at the world, and when you do, their is always a spark of hope in your eyes. you remind me of a bird caught in a cage, when all you want to is soar. or a star that will never burn out. i love you my starlight. whenever i look at you, i write invisible love letters in my heart.
i wish i could whisper a thousand promises to you, but even that i cannot. i'm sorry. i don't think i'll send this.
Aera turned to him a question dancing in her eyes, she frowned. She didn't ask the question, and that was just one of the many reasons Luce loved her. She wasn't invasive. She tucked the letter into her pocket, "Should have sent this" she mumbled and Luce sighed. Maybe in another life he would have.
"You still got to read it" he said out loud , and Aera nodded absentminded still. Her focus was not on him, it was heavily dependent on the words he wrote. He handed her another one he had written, and she carefully peeled it open. Her eyes dancing over the sweet words.
my starlight,
sometimes i think we are nothing more than broken stars. but you are the star in my sky. you are the storm that runs through my life, with a strange type of ferocity. you are the wave that crashes against my shore, day after day. i know you're not perfect, but i don't want a perfect you.
i simply want you, you and all your chaos. because i adore you just the way you are. the stars envy you my love. the way you flush under the moonlight, the way you dance beside the moon. the way you shine in the rosy sun. i dare say that any one would envy you. i just stand there, and you scatter your stardust towards me.
you are my stolen moment, my happiness. i will only ever write these letters for the ocean, the stars and you. because for me you are all of them, in one. if i could drink the sunrise setting over the scarlet sky, it's fire would remind me of you. i don't think i ever fell in love with you, because your love is the very thing that lifts me. my heart beats—
Aera turned to him as the letter just cut off there a tattered edge, "What happened here?" she mused. Her eyes were wide and she seemed to be unable to understand what type of situation she was in. Luce wasn't doing too well either, this was new and unexpected territory. Luce awkwardly ran his hand through his thick black locks.
"Uh—I feel asleep?" he questioned, and Aera's eyes widened and she swatted at him teasingly. Another light chuckle escaping her rosy lips, "And you just gave up on it?" she questioned, Luce just shrugged. A sheepish expression on his face.
Laughing quietly, to herself, Aera grabbed another letter from the pile.
my starlight,
how can you promise me you'll stay and never do? how can you promise me the heavens, yet give me ruined wings and expect me to fly? i don't understand.
It ended there, and Aera looked up at him. Surprise flickering in her amber eyes, she curled her fingers around him and lightly squeezed. "I'm sorry" she whispered, Luce simply nodded. Unsure on what to say.
She hesitated, and for a split second there, Luce thought she had more to say. But whatever it was, she didn't say it. She instead diverted her attention back, fished out another letter, this one was especially long.
my starlight,
i think at times that hell is empty, and that all the devils are here. shakespeare said that, and i must agree. you feel like a devil so many times. i loved you through everything, i've loved you at your darkest and your brightest. yet why do you still choose him?
i am homesick for a place that i can never have, a place that will never be mine. nor one i can ever see. i am homesick for your love, but your heart was never mine. dusk comes quietly each morning, and i look across at the wondrous world, and all i want to do is ask you to stay.
but you are his, and i am only mine. my heart may belong to you, but it does not mean you are mine. i found you when i was young, you shone like a star. you held my hand in the dark, but i'm lying to your face. because i don't want this, i don't want a friendship. i want more.
i love you. but the second i figure out how to tell you, you'll push me. and i want to say i'm through, but this letter is still for you. all i want is love that lasts. all i want is to be yours. are my wants too high? am i wanting too much?
maybe so, because at the end of the day all i have is myself. i don't ever seem to have you. maybe something is wrong with me, because i can never get the happy ending. all i ever get is myself, but why isn't that ever enough for me? sometimes i miss the days when i didn't love you, i thought we would have a perfect friendship.
but all i want now is your love, all i want is to be yours. but my exceptions are far too high. and all i have is myself at the end of the road, and maybe one day that will be okay.
"I think you have a unrealistic exception of me" Aera said suddenly, her body slightly swaying as she turned towards Luce. Her fingers feebly clutched on to the letter tighter, it crumpled a bit under her touch. She didn't seem to notice as she struggled for the right words.
"I-I'm not the person you describe here. And even if I am, I-I don't know if I could be that person for you" Aera whispered out lightly, still trembling. Luce reached out to lightly steady her, trying to ignore his own breaking heart. He could do this.
"It's alright" he whispered back, and Aera pushed him away and buried her face into her hands. "It's not thought, i-if only you'd—" Luce tried to smile at her, as he waited for her to continue. He tried to force himself to smile, smiling didn't always mean he was a happy person. Most times it mean he was a strong person, he could be strong again. He could be strong for her.
"If only you'd told me earlier" she whispered finally, and Luce realized he couldn't smile now. He didn't know how to smile anymore. Instead he frowned, his eyes widening and he stared at her in bewilderment. "What are you saying?" he asked, and Aera chuckled bitterly.
"I-I used to love you, I did" she mumbled, and Luce's eyes if possible, widened even more. "When?" he whispered out, and Aera sighed. Running a hand through her light hair, she looked away from him. A frown set on her pretty face. The sun lit up her skin, and she looked so far away from at that moment. As if she was something from the heavens itself.
"Don't you remember I used to make you those playlists?" she asked, and when Luce just stared at her eyes wide. She continued "And that one time I asked you to wr-write me those letters, I obviously loved you" she whispered.
"B-But we were friends then?" he asked, and Aera chuckled lightly. "Are we not friends now? Don't you remember Luce? I literally asked you to promise me that if we never found someone. You and I would get married. And we would live in a big 'ol house and have two kids. And you would love me." she whispered, her tone mimicking a younger version of her.
Luce frowned, "You only said if we never found someone, how was I supposed to know?" he questioned. And Aera just shrugged, "I thought I had made it clear" she mumbled sadly. "I was only fourteen though" she mused, and Luce quickly nodded. He was blind to love then, and she was confused. How could he have ever seen that?
He sallowed, trying to ignore the building of hope in his chest. It was threatening to overcome him, but he could hold it together. He had to hold it together. "And now?" he didn't directly ask it, but it hovered in the air between them. Now do you love me?
"I'm sorry" she said.
~~~~~
ahahhahaha i love angst😈