It's not easy to just surrender yourself to Allah and find strength during the hardest time of your life. You don't just wake up one day with the courage to carry on. It comes from somewhere rooted deep within you and signifies the gravest pain, but also the beginning of a fortitude you never even knew you could have.
33 weeks pregnant.
My induction date had been set already for a caesarean section at exactly 36 weeks, when baby would be full term and safe to be delivered. 3 weeks to go. Come on, sweet baby, hang in there, just 3 more weeks and you'll be here, with mummy and daddy, where you belong. It was sad to think that my womb, where babies are usually safest, isn't the safe haven it should be for my baby. It's simply a station, where it hangs on by a thread, relying on my body as a lifeline to stay alive. I was terrified, to say the least, that we wouldn't make it that far, but 3 weeks since the diagnosis and three weeks left to go, I believed with all my might that we'd reach that point. After all, it was only with Allah's help that we made it this far.
We'd prepared everything. The nursery is set up, the bassinet standing in our bedroom, bags packed with little sleepsuits and blankets and postpartum recovery items that I'd need when we go into the hospital. The only thing we were still waiting on is the stroller. Our carseat had already arrived and we are just waiting on the last item we needed. If we made it to the delivery date safely, our baby would be whisked off for immediate surgery and then, InshaAllah, we'd finally be a family, at peace, and we'd take each hurdle as it came. And if we didn't, well, that was the end of our journey.
But for now, it's a waiting game. A constant questioning of whether or not that day will ever come. Waking up every morning not knowing if it'll be the last day with the three of us together.
After weeks of painstaking fear, Ehsaan had decided that it was time we do something to take our minds off our situation. He booked a dinner reservation at a fancy restaurant and we had to be there by six o' clock. I'd woken up this morning with excruciating back pain but I was determined to still go out. Although he thought he was doing this for me, I knew it would do him a world of good - to just be us again, Ehsaan and Aleena.
Ehsaan had bought me a gorgeous dress which flowed beautifully and fitted my bump perfectly. I'd felt huge and unattractive recently, but he wouldn't hear a word of it, always reminding me how beautiful I am not only in his eyes, but in the eyes of everybody too. I'd objected, saying,
"You just feel obliged to say that because I'm your wife" and he just chuckled and kissed me in response, telling me that I was the most beautiful person he'd ever seen and I was never allowed to forget it. The pink gown that he'd got me for tonight made me feel like that again, and I was grateful for his efforts.
We drove to a gorgeous restaurant in Central London and talked and laughed like the days before our worries. We ate a hearty meal which was presented fantastically, then went for an evening stroll by the River Thames, hand in hand. Ehsaan hadn't let me out of his sight recently, constantly worrying for our health, but tonight I could see he was at ease, and it put me at ease too. We went to a famous ice cream shop and we bought the well known rose ice cream cones in our favourite flavours. It was the best evening we'd had in months, and we were truly happy. We were seated on a bench, watching the boats on the river and city life unravel before our eyes, enjoying the silence in each other's presence.
"You know, I can't wait" he said, his alluring voice deep and low. My head moved to look up at him.
"For what?" I replied.
"For her to arrive. The best gift we've ever been blessed with. The gift that keeps on giving, every day we make more memories as the three of us, and despite the hardships, I still am so grateful that Allah gifted us, with her."
A smile coated my face, "Her?" I asked, and he grinned,
"I don't know," he said, "I just have this feeling its going to be a girl." I leaned my head on his shoulder, still smiling.
"Thank you, Ehsaan." I whispered.
"For what, darling?"
"For tonight, for every night you've held me close and not let me go, for being with me every step through this bumpy road, for not giving up on me, for loving me and our baby"
"You don't need to thank me darling. I do it because I want to, because I love you. And I'll never stop loving you. I'm here with you today, I'll be here with you tomorrow, and no matter what happens and what life throws at us, I'll be here with you every day till our time here on Earth ends. And then, InshaAllah, I'll spend forever with you in Jannah." he kissed me on my forehead, and we stayed there, on that bench, staring at the water, watching the world go by.
* * *
It was 11pm and I was sat in bed after changing into my pyjamas and propped up with pillows because my back was hurting like never before. I watched Ehsaan affectionately as he finished off his Isha prayer and made du'aa.
Suddenly, I felt something strange within me, and I gasped at the sensation and became alarmed when I felt moisture spreading down my leg.
"Ehsaan! Oh my Allah!"
He stood up from his prayer mat and ran to my side, "Darling, what is it?"
I was terrified, "My water – I think my water just broke."
"What? Already?"
"I'm only 33 weeks in, baby isn't ready to come out till 36 weeks! Ehsaan what do I do?!"
He pulled away my duvet and I placed my feet on the floor. "I'm not cramping or anything, but my back is hurting and now my waters have gone. I need to clean this up then call the hospital."
"No, my love." he kissed me on the head then helped me stand up, "Go and get out of these clothes, I'm running you a quick bath. Don't worry about all this, I'm going to call the doctor and see what she says, then I'll clean."
"No, I'll help you."
"You'll do no such thing. Now come on, let's get you comfortable again."
I did as he said and went in the bath. Alhamdulillah I had already prepared everything for when we'd have to leave, in case it happened in a hurry and we had to rush out. As I bathed, I could see Ehsaan from the open door of the en-suite pacing up and down, changing the bed sheets and speaking anxiously on the phone. Whilst I was still in there, a cramping sensation began. It wasn't intense or painful, just slightly uncomfortable.
When I got out in my robe, Ehsaan helped me into some comfortable loungewear and I quickly put on my hijab. He grabbed the bags and sat me in the car then he locked up and called our parents to let them know we're going in to the hospital.
Everything felt so unreal and bizzare, almost movie-like. This is a high-risk pregnancy, so when we arrived, a consultant was ready to greet us upstairs and a nurse was waiting for us at the reception. They'd offered to take me up in a wheelchair, but I refused, as I wanted to remain as active as possible, because if this is the real thing, I know I won't be active again for a while. Everything happened in a blur, I was changed from my own clothes into a hospital gown, placed on numerous monitors to check both our heartbeats, my legs held up by stirrups as doctors assessed if my waters really had broken and find out why it happened so early. One thing they told Ehsaan for sure though, it was way too early for my body to be ready for this, and they were almost certain that if my body didn't progress in the next hour or so, we'd have to have an emergency caesarean immediately to try and keep our baby alive. I had no clue what was going on, overwhelmed by fear and emotion and the many people constantly coming in and out of the room and checking me for different things. Ehsaan held my hand the whole time, pulling a chair up beside me and not leaving me for anything. Both our families had video called us and gave us their du'aas and well wishes, and everything was beginning to feel real. It was all happening too fast. One minute they're putting an epidural into me and the next they're whisking Ehsaan out of the room to prepare us both for surgery. I needed to be anaesthetised and he needed to wash and get in scrubs ready to enter theatre. It was all too fast to truly experience. I was informed that the cardiac surgeons and neonatal specialist were preparing in the theatre next door ready to operate when our baby arrives. I just wanted to scream, for all the world to hear as rage grew within me and I begged for the world to slow down around me and just. stand. still.
They wheeled me out and I closed my eyes as the anaesthetic began to kick in, relieving my body of all pain from my middle down to my legs. Ehsaan rushed to my side and a kind nurse placed a stool by my head for him to sit on. He tucked my flyaway hairs into the netted cap they'd placed on my head, and I asked him to come closer before I trapped his lips in mine in a kiss before pulling away and smiling,
"It's time" he grinned through his tears and I smiled at him softly. He whispered sweet nothings into my ear the whole time, taking me away from the thunderstorm going on in my heart. I didn't know how he was feeling, but I had to stay put together for him and for my baby.
The next few minutes were crucial, the next few hours even more. It determined so much as my child's life depended on it, and no amount of reassurance could distract me from the harsh reality we now faced.
But we were sure, and we had faith, that our perfect gift would be here soon, safe and sound, in our arms.
I don't know how to feel after this chapter!!!!!!! :(((
What do you think is going to happen next??
Just to clarify something I'm not sure I've made very clear... IF the baby's condition continued to deteriorate before it was born, then it would be unlikely to survive and would have to be delivered as a stillborn due to lack of life.
BUT, IF the baby survived to full term, then surgery was vital for the baby to live.
Nobody ever really discussed what would happen if the baby arrived before it was ready... this will be explored in the coming chapter.
Again, I'm sorry if this is factually incorrect, but it's just a fictional story that I'm trying my best to write and be creative with.
I hope you enjoyed this chapter!
Lots of love x