When I was eleven years of age, sapphire academy of arts and modern structure conducted a talent search hunt. Ms. Bellmoth, my art teacher from the public primary school had submitted my drafts without a belief that I would become the one, a small town girl from jasper Alberta to be one of the few accountable of six to be selected.
When the results came in, I had locked myself up for two days in my room. Felix who probably was older, fifteen then had smuggled food and water to my safe haven. He was among the sole one other than me who wished that I would not have leave the town and the house, trading it for a boarding school in the middle of nowhere. Later he betrayed, changed his views and gave in to the ideologies of Mom and Dad.
My parents couldn't have been happier- when I cried they hugged me with an encouraging pat on back.
"It's for the best Thea" mother had ran a hand through my complicated fish braids, "You will regret not attending the school when thousands dream of it. You are gifted- and our aging lives could only disappoint you when you'll grow up without a support or funds"
Then I was too in denial- I only wanted her and my entire family to be with me. To cheer on me after I fail races. To tell me ice hockey wasn't for me, to mumble out how, me almost failing subjects were fine by them. But not them accepting that my ace lied among the world of colours and a world that I create on empty surface.
To believe that I was something more than a normal art student.
To dream that I was one of the Countries most famous artist in making.
Sapphire academy had candidates in all sorts of proficiency. They were superior in their understanding. While all I did was to let the streaks of colours speak for me. They would plan ahead- I would just let my present condition spread.
While I thought of my end product to be trash- from how least complicated it felt among the comparing exhibits. Mr. Ikeda- the Japanese skill development instructor who often kept to himself but criticized without an empathy would leave my analyzation for later.
Always for later.
He would take my paintings with him- and would return them. I was never given the report of what he thought of them- I was never graded.
As a student- I was a chirpy one – the energetic one. Emily became my best friend when she started a year later- though couple years older she was a child at heart. Her heart remained pure until the day her mother died of cardiac arrest- I was fourteen when I decided Emily Gagnon wasn't just my friend, she was my sister from another mother- who died and left me a broken daughter to heal.
While healing her- the things I began working on became more complex than ever. It would even sometimes took me a day to figure out just what my thoughts on them where. When I turned fifteen – the bell to my dorm rang. It was a letter addressed to me from Mr. Ikeda.
They were my grades.
A gasp had left my lips when I recognized the academies symbol embossed on top of the papers. I had topped them all. When I read the small note that came with it in the familiar scripted writing of old Mr. Ikeda I couldn't help but grin like fool as I read.
Miss Davies. I had been on this profession for more than twenty six years now. Hundreds of students walk in with dreams and what they believe Is extraordinary skills that they wish to be guided with. I help them towards their goal. But with you- you were different since the day you walked in, you were just here to paint. To enjoy. To live. And to adapt. You weren't here for you. But for others. Kind, bright and filled with life. Your work blossoms with hope and longing. A very rare phenomenon to be seen in the world of arts. We celebrate the tragedy with so much passion then we often forget the thing that keeps us alive.
Hope.
We annihilate the idea of hope while romanticizing complexities.
But you- you do it your way. But I am afraid that this will change as you grow. As you begin to respond to your hardships the way it would want you to. I would not wish for the face of a Judas Iscariot on your line. As I decide to quit my career at sapphire at seventy one year of age- I may die or loose my diminishing eyesight before I would get to see you being recognized by the world. But I heartily pray for the peace and prosperity on your part for I can't lose a pupil like you to the evil this universe has to offer.
Mr. Ikeda
I like to think it was the last anyone ever heard from him in academy- the news of him passing away a month before my graduation circulated- that day I had read the letter for the second time, it's when his existence had hit me in reality. Juggling between puberty, teenage and schooling it took me his death to pay him the respect I must've bestowed on him for all those years.
I cried and slept with guilt clogging mind that night.
After the graduation I had received another letter, this time it wasn't the soft recycled paper and fancy writing from Mr.Ikeda. Rather a hardened copy of printed letter with a college kit book from oversees. London to be exact.
A scholarship that I had applied for.
Being accepted wasn't a surprise.
What surprised me was forgetting everything that had happened next-
Did I celebrate? Was I a good student? What did I even learn? Who did I meet?
I remember the Chadler guy who was at the hospital, who had supposed I was his friend. Did I attend parties? What life had I lived for two years in an alien country? Was I accepted? Did I date?
As I sat touching the sewed wounds and meddling with it I wondered if this had become my identity.
A failure.
A shame. A girl who hadn't held a brush to canvas since years or seen the pieces revived from her apartment. Afraid what she may find of her lost days in those sturdy squares. The sunny days as usual or the one Mr. Ikeda had warned her of.
As i collected the remeniscene of those further past, Oliver mumbled something incomprehensible in his sleep.
"You said something Althea?" Sophia asked as I nodded sideways. Then realizing how I sat behind I cleared my throat.
"It wasn't me. Oliver"
The shades of nightlight whiffed in and out of the dark exterior of the car as we passed through a vehicular subway.
"I am a bird"
Clenching my jaw to not disrupt the vulturous aura of the journey I did my best to not a crack a laugh. But when Sophia chuckle I joined in. Mr. Yu was of other storyline- he drove faster. Might be his idea of reacting to a humor.
Then it fell quiet once more. It should've been a five minute drive from Andre's if only it hadn't been Sophia requesting to be dropped at an embassy to meet her father, Mr. Yu had opted to act on his dates aspirations first ,he abandoned the nearest route to my home and took the long shot to drive towards Sophia destination first. When Sophia got off the car she bid her farewell and kissed Mr. Yu on his cheek.
May be it was a day of cheek kisses, maybe I was overthinking their PDA too much than I should. But I just couldn't bring my face to smile as the frown stuck with me after Sophia had left.
When it was only us three in an odd circumstance. My oliver the beloved expressed his belief with exclamation.
"Birds are my family. I can fly" he moaned adjusting his neck to lay his side on my shoulder, but as the car jerked to left he flew right and with a painful thud landed in the position he was in with a groggy wince.
I seethed watching him rub his forehead.
"Can you drive a little gentle?" the petition was sincere. But his reply wasn't.
"Can i? Yes. But do I want to? No"
Blinking I closed my eyes. Counting till ten to deflate my building anger. But he took another rash turn and I lost it.
"It wasn't me who begged you to drive me around. Stop the car and I'll get out now"
The audacity of him to chuckle at my outburst fueled my frustration threefold.
"How else where you planning to take that boyfriend of yours home huh? It wasn't safe, a lone girl to travel with a man who is having an identity crisis" he spat, the venom in his eyes shone through the rear view mirror. He was looking at me straight through it. we had a stare down through the bar sized rear until i motioned him to look ahead.
"Oliver likes birds. He often dreams of them but can't owe one because I have a cat" folding my arms I huffed, steaming away the last bit of the resolve I had.
"Wow. What a sacrifice"
"You don't have to be so sarcastic about it"
"And you don't have to take his side" he paused, wheeling at a stable speed for now. "-or anyone else's side for the matter. Except for me"
Scoffing at the ridiculous smugness of his tone I swallowed the verbal disaster and settled for-
"And why would that be?"
He smiled this wise, nodding his head to the unheard music lowly as he took his esteemed time to reply.
"Because you work for me and i don't pay you for disrespecting me" then he began to drum his fingers softly, victorious to the taken aback gesture of mine.
"You did not just act like a typical snob"
He gave a dramatic sigh.
"I certainly did. If that's what takes to get rid of olive from our life. I am a snob"
The laugh, the disbelief and the pure horrified selection of words that I spoke wasn't me. And sure does the conversations wasn't us either.
"Our life? Since when is professional life so in link with personal attainment?"
"Since today"
"You sound so nonsensical. Do you even hear yourself? You were the one here with Sophia and you don't get to have the right to be jealous"
The car screeched to a halt, it flung my body forward but I grabbed olivers thigh in a claw clutch to neutralize the inertia.
Mr. Yu shifted, seating my arm away from holding onto Oliver.
"Jealous?" shouted his voice, when I turned I watched him as he undid his seatbelt in haste and unlocked his door all while barking "Get out. Now"
With the bravery adapted from binging the haunting of hill house, I did as told. But on my own dilemma to confront the man who had been meddling with my business despite my dislike towards it. Inspite of my dislike I still seem to like his company and that was outrageous. So unacceptable. So so not me.
"Jealous of that birdie?" his posture cracked, the concrete that accompanied his ideologies so far broke. Broke as his real emotions now laid bare to be afraid of. His chest heaved as he gave a disgusted stare at a balled up oliver through the window. "That man will suffer if you don't end this now"
He paced a short, two step walk and then returned to face me breathing in and out as if keeping his explosions in check.
"Oliver is not my boyfriend"
I said it.
Though wasn't a need. I said it. Nonchalantly. Deadpanned. Or more to picturesque I blurted zombified. Tired of trying to understand what was happening. What did he wanted from me. Or to know why did he wanted me.
If he was so against the idea of me- the plain Jane, okay- I wasn't so plain. Maybe a bit feisty and out of this world fabulous Jane who had no qualification, neither girlfriend like persona nor a life. May be he liked me- but who likes a girl who only lived with her overconfident self esteem and a not so humble cat so much fierily in a span of what? a week or two?
"So- who is he then?" he seem to hesitate for a second there. I decided that I was infatuated with the tiny uncertainty of his. The ever dominating proportion of him was getting old to be fair.
"A friend" I shrug.
His eyes slits as he looks at me, but gradually he stared as he spoke.
"A friend?" he licked his lips and I swear the colour that I hadn't noticed there before returned to his face. "like me and Chris friend?" he mumbled, but I heard it. Was he reassuring himself?
"What are you saying?"
His eyes sparked up in a sudden,
"But you both live in-
"We don't. My brother lives with us too. Oliver sleeps where ever he finds space to"
"In your room as-
"My brother would kill him"
"So you both are not a couple?"
I took a step back worried. Was he okay?
"Why are you behaving like that?" I ask as the sudden wind kept blowing my hair into swirls.
He breathed, finally smiling with ease and God he looked such a fine meal right then.
"I am so sorry. I am new to all this and also unfamiliar to this- this field of interference with a girls personal interests" he said straightening up as I nodded- the alarming wonder written lucid on my face.
"Why- why are you speaking like that?" i sniffed nervously.
His brow pulled low in confusion, then his eyes went a little wide-lips forming an oh.
"Shit" he whispered initially "I intend to fall back to such language usually when I am nervous. My apologies"
Silence,
Further realization of his.
"Fuck" he grunted kicking a gravel stone then looked up " I was doing that shit again wasn't i?"
I exhaled in relief when he got to normal or whatever category that was.
"That's fine. But It still fails to connect. Why do you want me to be single so bad- you see I am not blind here. But I am also not sure either" I spoke like a true negotiator. Proud of my chosen version of communication I wrapped the coat tighter around my body.
He gave me a look of decomposing smile. I could witness what he meant- he stood there without a morsel of preparation.
"Let's Date"
He brought his hands forward and took mine in his calloused hold. Though his touch was strong in base- I could say that it was how he always would carry the one he finds to be most fragile. Delicate or dare I think- closest to his heart.
How did I get that smart?
Probably cause of the hit I endured during the accident. There wasn't anything normal about me after that was it?
"You are dating" I reminded him. He chuckled at the tiny flare of my nose- It sure was not because of crisp cold.
"It was her father who caused such situation to take place. She could never be you" he shook his head in seriousness, I rolled my eyes lazily simply to irk him. Of course I knew that. And by how he accusatively watched me- he too got a gist of it "Jealous?" when the question was thrown at me I didn't hesitate for a second.
"Yes" meeting his gaze I freed one my hand from his grasp, bringing the back of it to his jaw I physically wiped Sophia's kiss from his skin "And I don't want that to happen again. Ever"
He closed his eyes, reacting to my caress as he clenched his jaw.
"You don't know what you are getting yourself into. But I do-" he was hoarse as he warned- the temptation was so enticing the I nimbly smiled.
In spur of moment he grabbed my wrist and secured me to him- It's when I saw the visible darkened orbs of his. They were too intense to look at- so I drowned in them. If the surface held such infinity – I wanted to dive into the unknown and just stay lost by them.
Tonight I didn't felt like playing a safe card.
I was never logical anyway. I had lost it all- my passion, my innocence , my inspirations and what Mr. Ikeda had dreaded- my hope.
Couldn't dwell on what's dead- lost could be found, dead couldn't be revived. Illusions are your weakness- and – and-
And then a lightening bolted across the sky- white glare churned my vision before a ear shattering roar of thunder weakened my knees. I almost gave up as Mr. Yu held me- cradled me as I gasped aloud. The sound rang like a static even after the world silenced and the silence of night and street befell on us.
Tears streamed down my face as I couldn't bring myself to look at his face.
What the hell was that?
What was I thinking?
To use a person and his emotions to fell something instead of the empty, unbearable cold?
That is not Althea Davies. Nothing that I've been doing or thinking is her. I just felt like I was trapped in the body of a beautiful angel- a demon that was eating her alive. I felt his hand cup my face as I sobbed- merciless to the demon who kept scolding me for being so vulnerable.
"Look at me" he demanded.
I don't.
"Althea, what happened?" he anything but begged. "I want to help. Look at me, please"
I look away instead. Help? I don't need help. I need home, Glitteres, warm room and- and him. I need him to help me but I won't let him. I can't fall for him and ruin him like I did with myself. So home was it-home
while staring at the knotted branches sogged by the soiled earth- I whispered.
"Take me home"