WARNING: This chapter contains mention of both physical and emotional abuse. If any of these are triggering, please feel free to skip this one.
My head was still pounding. After I got back from Nebraska with Inez on Saturday night, the boys thought that it was only appropriate to celebrate the rest of the weekend. I don't drink, but I let myself get carried away and with the first five tequila shots in my system, there was no turning back. I woke up this morning with the worst hangover that is still very present even though I took a few pills and a four-hour nap before coming to practice. This was one of the many reasons why I don't drink. And since the regular season is coming to an end very soon, you can bet Coach wasn't going to come to play today.
I needed to wake myself up and see if I could manage to pull a little bit of energy to get through practice so I decided to walk to the pavilion instead of driving. With my headphones plugged in, today's segment of ESPN was on. Even if I felt like a truck ran me over, I for sure knew that listening to what the reporters say would give me the strength and motivation to get through practice. After all, I do like to prove everybody wrong. And the qualifiers were just the beginning.
"One of the most decorated NCAA college swimmer and Olympian, Casper Ambrose joins us live on Sports Center today." Josiah Lyle, the ESPN reporter speaks. "It's good to have you back in the studio with us Casper."
"I'm excited to be here again with you guys, thank you for having me," Casper replies.
"To kick off today's segment of Sports Center, we'll dive at the end of the NCAA Swimming regular season and our predictions of who will be taking the gold home in less than a month." Josiah pauses. "We've been talking about it ever since the season started, BGU, what a path of redemption they've been on. They're undefeated so far. What are your thoughts on BGU's run Casper?"
"Well Josiah, you heard it from Coach Jennings at the start of the season, they came to take back what's theirs this season." Damn, right we did. "They have once proven themselves to be the best team all-around in the league."
"But are they?" Josiah asks. "Even though they came back and made a statement, we both know it means nothing if they don't end up taking home the gold."
Casper nods. "I have to agree with you there Josiah, at that moment, the path to the finals means nothing. It's in the moments of pressure when you are faced with your opponent and the trophy a meet away where true champions are born. BGU will have to prove that they can handle the pressure." Oh, we'll prove it. Just wait and see.
"How do you see OHSU this season?" Josiah asks. "They've been just as dominant as BGU, the only thing they haven't managed to do this season is beat BGU. They lost their only matchup against the team this season."
"They came back just as dominant as last year Josiah. OHSU was the champion of last season for a reason." Casper replies. "And you know that anyone can win a regular-season matchup. When it comes down to the last two standing, I wouldn't count OHSU out."
"If we learned anything from last season is that you shouldn't count any team out. This is the highest level of college swimming, you have to watch out for everyone or you might end up going home empty-handed." Josiah adds. "What are your predictions for the finals Casper?"
"BGU vs OHSU," Casper replies. "With BGU as my final pick, I was a little hesitant at the beginning of the season, but you can't deny that they have been swimming at the best level of swimming they've ever swum in these last three years. They did not come to play this season Josiah and even though OHSU are the clear favorites, that alone will give them what they need to take the gold back home."
"Will BGU end up taking back the gold home? Who will be crowned the champions of this season? " Josiah asks. "You can watch the broadcasts live on ESPN for all of the coverage on the season or join us after each matchup for exclusive footage and interviews. Join us next week for the final meets of the regular season, BGU vs FSU and OHSU vs ASU. This is Josiah Lyle for ESPN."
By the time the segment ended, I was already in the BGU pavilion. I walked straight into the locker rooms to change into my swimming briefs. After I changed, I put on my swimming cap on and I walked out with my swim gear in hand. The boys were already standing by our lane and so was Ev. Coach decided to leave Ev on our lane even though things weren't good between us. At first, it bothered me but when I started to concentrate more on what I was doing and less on the fact that she was just inches away, I was good. The boys stopped giving her the silent treatment (besides me of course) after a good few weeks, I didn't mind though. Just because I was being a dick to her didn't mean that so should they. Besides, them talking to her made things less awkward during practice.
"Bro, where were you?" Dant asks. "Did you walk all the way here?"
"Yes," I reply. "I needed to wake myself up, thanks to you dickheads, my head is still pounding from last night."
O'Connor laughs. "We didn't shove those tequila shots down your throat, that was all you."
Coach walked out of his office and we all got in the water. "Listen up everybody, as you already know, the regular season is ending which means that we are closer than before from reaching our goal."
"That means only one thing, practice will be tougher than before, our goal is not completed until we hold that gold in our hands." Coach pauses as he looks at all of us. "Now, let's kick off practice with a 1,000-meter warm-up. Every 200 meters you change up the stroke."
Coach blows the whistle and I go first. Out of all of us, I was the fastest one so it's always a no-brainer. Ev on the other hand was the last one, she wasn't a slow swimmer but compared to us four, she was. I would put her before Dant but she finds the pressure of someone being on her toes both stressful and irritating.
"Green, did you all of a sudden forget how to position your head as you pull your arms over the weekend?" Coach Jennings shouts and I can imagine the look on Ev's face. She doesn't mind getting told what she's doing wrong, but she hates it when Coach shouts at her.
"Nolan, your elbow is dropping on entry." Coach Jennings shouts once again. "You've been doing this for years now, concentrate on what you're doing. Aim deeper into the water rather than for the surface."
"Dant, you're recovering too early," Dant also hates it when Coach shouts at him. He gets in the worst mood, which is kind of funny because O'Connor and Becker get on his nerves by teasing him non stop. "Flick the water into the air at the end of your stroke by your thigh to remember to finish."
After we were done with the warm-up, Coach came up with the brilliant idea to add pre-set into our practice from now on. For the pre-set we did 4X100 Freestyle at 1:20, 4X100 IM at 1:30, 2X100 Kick at 2:00, 4X50 Freestyle descend slowly to fast at :50, and finally 4X50 stroke of choice at 1:30. We were pretty out of breath by the end of that pre-set, but unfortunately for us, that was just the beginning.
Between the pre-set, main set, and cool down we ended up swimming a good 5,300 meters. We were dead by the of it, literally. Swimming 5,300 meters with a hangover isn't exactly the best combination. Passing out fell short of what I was feeling. Ev, like always is the first one to get out of the pool. I guess one of the main reasons she does is to avoid having to be around us (around me) much longer.
I got out of the pool, right behind O'Connor and Dant. We headed straight into the locker rooms to change out of our swimsuits. I took a quick shower before changing into a hoodie and a pair of sweatpants. Once the boys were already changed, we grabbed our stuff and we walked out of the pavilion. To my unfortunate luck, I caught Ev getting into Sèbastien's car. I have nothing against the dude except for the fact that he's doing everything I once did with Ev. He's replacing me. And trust me, I know I'm the one to blame, but I can't help but tense up and want to punch him every time I imagine him touching her.
She looked beautiful this weekend at her grandparent's wedding, that smile. Oh, that smile. I recall reading a quote from one of the many books Ev has in her room. Sylvia Plath was the author and the book was titled The Rival if I'm not mistaken. If the moon smiled, she would resemble you. You leave the same impression of something beautiful, but annihilating. That was her, that was Everest Green.
After practice, the boys decided to grab Chinese takeout on the way back to the house. With the 5,300 meters, we for sure burned all of the calories from what we ate before practice. Two hours later, we were starving. Inez texted if she could come over but I asked for a rain-check. I just wanted to be alone with the boys, at least for tonight.
I know I told Ev, that me fucking around with Inez shouldn't come off as a surprise the night before I left for Nebraska. But the truth is that I never started to fuck around with her again in the first place. I just wanted her to feel the same thing I was feeling when I saw her walk in hand in hand with Sébastien. Ever since Ev and I got closer, I didn't feel the need to be with her. Not until Saturday, that was. My date, biggest cheerleader, and dance partner of the night. She wrote. At that moment, I just wanted to feel something, so I gave in. I tried to fill in the void with Inez, but I regretted it. Because no matter how hard I tried, Inez could never fill it. She's not Ev.
"Oh fuck off," O'Connor protests. "That clearly wasn't a foul."
"Don't be a sore loser O'Connor." Becker replies and O'Connor throws daggers. "You clearly slid into my player without him having the ball. It's a yellow card."
I laugh at my two friends. We were now sitting in the living room, finishing up our food and playing FIFA. Well, O'Connor and Becker are playing. Dant went out with Peyton and I just sit back on the couch watching these dickheads go at each other's throats. If you asked me, they were both sore losers.
There was a knock on the door and the boys gave me a look. Of course, they weren't going to pause the game and get it. I got up from the couch and I walked up to the front door to open it. My eyes widened when I saw the tall figure standing on the other side of the door. The man I saw two years ago. My father.
"Hey, Matt," He half-smiles.
"What are you doing here?" I ask coldly. It's been nine years. What could he possibly want to do with me now?
"You've changed so much." He replies and I roll my eyes. "I just want a chance to talk with you, Emma said I could find you here."
Emma? "Well, it has been nine years since the last time I saw you." I pause. "You want a chance to talk with me? I think it's a little late for that."
He looks down. "I know I'm nine years too late but I want the chance to make things right. I know I made some mistakes in the past."
"You call beating mom up over and over again while you drowned yourself in whiskey bottles a mistake?" I question. "Save your sorry excuses for yourself, I don't want to hear it."
"Connery," He pauses.
"Connery nothing, you have no right to show up here just because you felt the need to make things right after nine years." I spit.
"I'm your father Connery, I will always be your father."
"You stopped being my father the moment I walked out the door with mom nine years ago," I answer. "Besides, I don't know what you want to do with me, you have a little perfect family of your own."
He looks at me surprised. "What? You didn't think I would find out? I saw you at a restaurant with a woman and a little girl two years ago. You didn't recognize me, but how could you?" I say. "You didn't look like the piece of shit we left behind. Turns out that you got your shit straight after we left."
"I can explain Connery," He begins but I interrupt him.
"I don't want to hear it, any of it. I don't know what made you get your shit straight, but, sadly, your family wasn't reason enough for you to do it." I spit in anger. "Now, I don't know what you told Emma, but just because she's talking to you that doesn't mean that I have to. You can go back from wherever you came from, it's been nine years and I still don't want anything to do with you. Leave me the fuck alone."
I stepped inside and I shut the door in his face without giving him the chance to say another word. "Connery," O'Connor says.
"Leave me the fuck alone," I answer as I walk up the stairs to my room.
My mind started to flood with all of the painful memories I had fought so hard to keep buried at the back of my mind. Scott, please, don't do this. Loud bang. I can vividly remember the sound of my mom's screams whilst his fists hit her face, whilst his feet kicked her weak body. Scott, you're hurting me. Loud bang. Every single night was a different story. I saw the way you looked at the waiter, do you take me for a fool?
I felt a sharp pain in my head. Scott, please, I'm begging you! Stop! Scott! Hearing my mom's voice filled with terror again made me lose control. Every time the memory flashed I chugged down the bottle of Tito's Stensby had stashed in his closet. I fell to my knees, the pain was all too much. Loud bang. You're just a little whore Victoria. I smashed the bottle of Tito's against the wall. The pieces of shattered glass were everywhere. I began with the bottle and I ended with everything I saw in my way.
I remember the time I felt that I was going to lose my mom. Emma and I were locked up in the closet in the hallway. And just like every night we peeked through the doors. My dad was kicking my mom in the stomach over and over again. I could see her slipping away with every kick. At that moment, the twelve-year-old boy tried to be his mom's hero. Leave her alone. I shouted running out of the closet. I started to punch him and I achieved what in my mind was my goal. I got him to stop kicking her, the only difference was that instead of taking out his rage on her, he started to take his rage on me.
With every punch and kick my body began to feel numb. The pain, I was already used to it. And it didn't matter how much I was hurting as long as I got to be sure that my mom would be okay. At that moment my mom built the little strength she had to get my dad off of me, but he overpowered her. He pushed her off of him, making her trip. In a matter of seconds, my mom was falling down the wooden stairs of our home.
And just like that, I watched my mom's life slip away whilst she bled out on the floor.
Memories, some you forget and some just never leave, no matter how hard you try to bury them. Just like the salt in the sea, they become a part of you. And you carry them for the rest of your life.