Well, that just happened.
I take a moment to take in what I've said and done.
When I told James, that I couldn't be with him, he just pushed me off of him, rightfully so, then left. At least he took it well.
I think he took it well.
I hope he took it well.
My emotions are bubbling up, my lungs swelling. I feel sort of regretful...
He looked pissed. What if I broke his heart? What if hurt him? What if--
"Bloss, don't worry. He's broke your confidence more than you could ever break his heart."
Wait, I said that out loud?
I go red like a tomato as tears form in my eyes.
"He's gone," I mumble, falling back to my original spot, laying on the bed.
"Hey," Emma sits down beside me, rubbing my back for comfort. "He didn't deserve you. Promise." I look up at her, looking away swiftly. Maybe she's right. Maybe he wasn't the right person for me. I mean it didn't always feel right.
Right?
Emma and I spend hours upon hours talking about this- more like me crying my eyes out questioning my decision. I'm so grateful to have Emma, she is like my personal, free therapy. I say my final words before drifting off to a night of deep sleep
***
I wake up to the unpleasant sound of the beeping of the alarm beside my bed. I gradually walk to the bathroom though I'm longing to just jump back in bed and slumber. I gaze to the mirror, my hair is a mess.Kind of what my life is right now, a mess.I dismiss the thought from my mind and brush my teeth in peace.
Peace.
That's exactly what I need! Peace! Maybe...To start fresh. Maybe dumping James was a good idea.How am I going to start fresh? How do I start my book? How do I do this?Can I do this? Maybe Emma can help in some way.Should I really have to rely on Emma for everything? Well as of now, I have to.Right?
"Emma?"
No remark.
"Emma?" I stroll down the slim staircase still in my bright pink dressing gown and light pink slippers. I make it to the last step. "Emma this isn't funny.Maybe I should've just stayed in bed.
"Boo!" Emma jumps at me from the corner. I scream in response. She scared the living daylight out of me.That's not fair.
"Not fair, Ems," I respond to her laughter. She bends her back, almost crying of laughter.I'm almost crying from being scared. Really not fair.
"You should have seen your face!" She says, words barely audible from how much she's laughing. My heart aches and I want to cry. I sigh and walk to the kitchen trying to brush off my emotions. Emma's laugh almost instantly fades away. "Bloss, I'm sorry."
I don't respond, still wanting to cry.
There's an awkward silence between us both.
Am I being too harsh?
I reach up to the cupboards to grab my breakfast, Emma still stood behind me. Am I being harsh? I mean either way she almost gave me a heart attack so I guess not. But I still feel this guilt deep in my gut.Unless it's still about James. She apologized. I'll forgive her.
"Bloss, you were calling me?" I completely forgot that I wanted to ask her how to start fresh. I don't know how she does it. She always has the answer.Always.
"Oh yeah," How do I bring this up? It sounds easier than it is. But I need this. It's for the best. I think I'm ready. "So, I was wondering..." Come on Blossom spill it."Well, I was thinking that..." I feel my head heat up to a shade of red. "IWantedToKnowHowToStartFresh." Done. I virtually pat my back.
"Ohhh... I understand Bloss. I'll help." She nudges my shoulder.
So just like that, I was sat down face to face, ready to start fresh.
"I want to start fresh," I stutter "I need to start fresh." I correct my self then clear my throat. I don't really want to explain to Emma about my why I want to start fresh as that would take generations.
"Can I ask you why?" I knew this question pop up."I mean, that's if you're okay with telling me." I'm not.
"Yeah," I say.That was the biggest lie I've ever made. "Well, I was thinking that now James is gone, I want to forget about him and forget about my past relationship." We sit here in silence. I can tell she's thinking of an answer but in all honesty, I never have answers for myself.I don't expect her to have one either.
"You need fresh air, alone." She says, in her bubbly tone of voice. I adore this side of Emma.
"What?" the words stumble out my mouth. I feel my head tilting to the side. What does she mean by fresh air?Why? Where?
She stumbles to the front door to grab my coat and shoes along with my scarf. She walks over back to me and stands there. There's an awkward silence as she thinks that I know the next move. I shrug my shoulders.
She takes a long sigh before responding. "You.Just you.Alone. At the park. Get ready, get dressed. No exceptions." She taps her foot and crosses her arms waiting for me to get up.Sassy Pants she is.
I nod quickly before strolling upstairs.
Now, what shall I wear?
Perfect.
So as soon as you know it, I'm outside walking to the park. To start fresh. Because that's what I need.Fresh.
The trees are swaying in the wind, the leaves collapsing to the damped floor. The leaves are golden and sunset orange and they're just stumbling to the floor. It's picturesque.So very picturesque.
I swiftly sit on the bench, being careful not to spill the tea that I bought at the Park Café down the path I took to get here. The bench is surrounded by a lake with ducks. I open my bag. The bag reveals my laptop to do my writing. I'm still unsure of what to write about. I suppose I'm a bit of a perfectionist.Well, this could start my career of course it has to be perfect.
I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere with ducks everywhere by a pond in the beautiful scenery and still have nothing to write about?Of course, I don't, I'm Blossom Harriet.
"Excuse me?" Some man with a deep, slow voice asks. I recognise the voice from somewhere but choose not to look up.
"Hmm" I hum, I mean I don't know why he is talking to me. It's pretty busy around here. He could talk to anyone else.Do I really look that bad?
"Can I sit here?" I look next to me, to the space of the bench and nod. I'm a little dazed by how someone is talking to me. He sits down beside me and I see he has some bread in his hands. He has lovely shoes and great trousers. It's different from any styles I've seen.I'm not a fashionista or whatever you call them, though.
He nudges the bread over to me offering me a slice to throw to the birds. "Want some?" I shake my head no and so he nudges it closer "No, for the birds I mean, "I would but I really need to get my book started.
"No thank you," I reply whilst shaking my head. He once again nudges the bread closer leaving a very cramped space between us.
Don't do it, Bloss. Yes, he's nice, but...
No. Fresh start. We need to work on our book.
"Come on," His voice is so sweet and almost irresistible. His voice is low but soft. Sweet but firm. I jerk my head no again. "Hey, don't be like that," He says a lot more high pitched than before. "They're going out of date soon... Please?" Can't he tell that I don't want to? In reality, I do want to. Really want to.
Finally, I stare up at him, leaving me completely bewildered.