3 years ago
March
It was the first night of spring break and I was spending the night at Quinn's house. We both had all intentions of sneaking out of the house and it was a hell of a lot easier to sneak out of her house than mine. Her mom was fast asleep and her dad was gone working late plus he never came upstairs so he would never know we weren't there.
Just around 11 pm, we both snuck down the steps and out the back door. Her mom's tv was so loud coming from the bedroom she never would have heard anything but we've done this so many times it's a piece of cake at this point. She takes off to the backyard where Sam will be waiting, neither of them having a car makes sneaking any farther than that impossible so they climb up into the family tree house.
I make a dash for the road and see Brooks's car pulling up out front and as he slows down I jump in. We drive about two blocks to an empty parking lot that faces the backside of town. It's tucked away behind our local church and unless it's Sunday no one will be back here.
He parks the car and cuts the engine. Per usual we kick the seats back and lay down facing each other. He reaches across and brushes his hand across my cheek. I smile and he reaches over to kiss my forehead, looks me in the eyes, and says, "When you graduate we're going to be together, out in the open, tell everyone, and never think twice about it."
I felt a rush in my body that ignited the deepest parts of my soul. "You'll change your mind about me by then," I reply my eyes shifting away from his.
"Not a chance, there's no one else out there like you." He says lifting my chin back up to face him.
"Exactly, and that's why I'm last on the Dawson parent's approved list. I've always been too wild and unpredictable for their taste." I say a lot more snippy than I intend to.
They judge me so harshly without truly knowing me and it sucks, it makes me feel like I have something to prove so that I am deemed worthy.
I guess it should make me thankful for my parents, half the time I feel like a bother to them but at least they don't judge my friends. Heck, they probably love them more than they love me.
"They just don't like surprises and let me tell you Sydney Elizabeth Graves you are always full of surprises." He says smiling.
"After you graduate you can come to school at Louisville, you can cheer and we can be together without the eyes of everyone in this town on us."
"That's some pretty big promises you're making," wishing for them to become reality but also afraid to really believe it.
"You'll see. And until then we have all the time in the world to sneak around this sleepy town." He tells me with a kiss.
"Until you leave for school or your parents wonder why you aren't dating in college." I quip.
The reality of his impending departure has really started sinking in. I always knew he was leaving but just like every other girl who falls for the boy who is about to leave for college, it doesn't quite have its full effect until you are sitting here staring at him with only months remaining of his company.
"Let's not think about that. You could meet some guy too, who knows what will happen. I mean, we can't do anything about it until you graduate anyways." He says so matter of factly it stings more than it should because I've always known the rules Brooks operates under.
"I know but still, you can't expect both of us to just wait for 3 years. That seems kind of crazy." I tell him. "I mean come on Brooks, you have Prom in less than a month. How will you even explain not going to your parents? Let alone 3 years of no dates, no girlfriends ?"
His face instantly gets pale, and he begins stuttering his words..... "I... um... I... I have prom figured out. It won't be a big deal. I mean we can live our lives and still stay connected. I'm not telling you not to date, but when the time comes and we can be together we will or at least give it a real try."
I can tell he is keeping something from me. We started this conversation off and he was so sure, so convinced that I was what he wanted. Now he seems shaken, a little more held back, and maybe nervous.
I don't know but I can't lose him. It feels too good when we are together. He says he wants this too, we just can't have it fully right now, so maybe I just need to trust him. As much as my internal radar is firing off I forcefully ignore it.
I reach over and grab his hand. "We will find a way, I believe you. I want that too, I don't want you to forget about me and I don't ever want to forget about you." I lean over and plant a kiss on his lips.
He takes me back to Quinn's just after midnight. As she and I sneak our way back into the house we change into our pj's and recap both of our late-night escapades.
April (the week before Prom)
Things with Brooks have been off the last few weeks since our conversation in the church parking lot. He's been busy and distracted. If it wasn't for the continuing notes I have had showing up in my locker I would think he was trying to end whatever it is we have started.
I have a sinking feeling in my stomach, one that is coated in guilt, fear, and small pieces of rejection.
The note I found today was simple and sweet.
"You look extra beautiful today... P.S. Don't forget to smile"
As I fold it back up and slide it back into my locker a pair of hands sneak in and snatch it off the shelf.
"What is this? A love note?" Layla questions and my heart is in my throat.
I reach for it as quickly as I can and she holds it out of my grasp. Shit.
"Uh, no. It's nothing." I blush.
"Ohhhhh, Sydney has a secret admirer!" Layla gushes.
"Seriously, give it back. It's really nothing." I beg.
"Okay, okay, geesh. Don't get so worked up." She laughs throwing up her hands.
I place the note carefully back in my locker and join her with a very soft laugh playing it off the best I can.
"Well, I expect some details about this, whether you want to give them or not." As she laces her arm in mine as we make our way down the hallway.
And that was the first time I had to lie to Layla about who it was I was involved with and it was the first time the guilt smacked me directly in the face. Not my finest hour of friendship.
Trying to make up for the heaviness of guilt I make plans with her for that night. Her parents were sticklers about not going out on a school night, which left our only option for me to come over to her house for dinner and study. I tried really hard to keep all my focus on Layla.
I don't even text Brooks to tell him I'll be at his house. Tonight is about my friend, not him.
I officially feel like the worst human for what I'm doing, so I need to spend some time with her without her brother being in the back of my mind. I'm not sure it's even possible, but I need to try.
I arrive at the Dawson's house, Layla and I make a blanket of notes and books across the living room floor. Between Algebra and Earth Science, we have quite the assortment of homework to tackle so we get to work.
After a couple of hours, Mrs. Dawson calls us into the kitchen, five plates are set out on the table along with five glasses of milk. Ugh. These people. Now I'm the one who is being judgmental.
It's pasta night tonight and as Mr. Dawson comes in from his office he admires the work his wife has done on dinner.
"Sydney, nice to see you. Glad you could join us. Mrs. Dawson makes amazing lasagna." He says in his polite reserved manner.
"Thank you, Mr. Dawson. Happy to be here, and to have Layla's help on that algebra homework." I say back.
We all take our seats as we hear Brooks make his way in, his duffle bag on his shoulder. He must be just getting back from track practice because who needs to be good at just one sport when you can be good at all of them? Sometimes he's so perfect it's annoying...but as I catch myself staring at him, the annoyance slips right back into adoration, which again is annoying.
He walks into the kitchen as he looks up from his phone finally noticing my presence, and a very surprised expression shoots across his face. This wasn't an "Oh I'm so excited about this surprise!" look either, it was an "Oh, shit." surprised look.
What is going on with him...my heart panics. It's been doing a lot of that lately and it's starting to become overwhelming. I look back down at my plate and continue devouring the food in front of me. Mr. Dawson was right, this lasagna is really good but not good enough to settle the uneasiness that is consuming me.
Brooks hesitantly drops his duffle bag and makes his way to the table avoiding making eye contact with me again. His parents ask him about his day while Layla makes fun of his crazy sweaty mess of hair and he shoots her a "shut your mouth" look, but would never actually say that because well, this is the Dawsons we're talking about.
As I take a bite of garlic bread Mrs. Dawson excitedly pipes up, "So Brooks, I got Courtney's flowers ordered today! Light pink with a silver band, it will match perfectly!"
I literally choke on the bite of food in my mouth and let out a cough. Everyone at the table is staring at me as I reach for the glass of milk in front of me gulping it down to cover up my embarrassment which is a mistake because I hate this shit, so now I feel like I could choke and throw up all at once. My face must be giving away my discomfort because a soft, "Are you okay sweetie?" comes from Mrs. Dawson's lips.
I feel Brooks's eyes on me and I can feel the tension immediately grow across the table. I just hope no one else can. Layla stares at me waiting for me to say something.
"Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm good." I say quietly avoiding the hazel eyes staring me down.
"So, Brooks, the flowers, it was light pink you wanted right?" Mrs. Dawson asks again.
My face is hot, my palms are shaking and my vision almost feels blurry. All the pieces are coming together...prom, Courtney, the distance...
"Uh, yeah, whatever." He says back to his mom without looking at her.
"I'm glad you and Courtney are going to prom together, she was always a nice girl. I never knew why you guys broke up in the first place." Mr. Dawson says.
I can hardly breathe. I feel like the air is being sucked out of me.
This explains why he got so weird when I brought up him not going to prom. He was never planning on not going. He was planning on asking Courtney the entire time. I do my best to force every muscle in my body to stop trembling but it's not working. My whole body is reacting to this conversation and the voice in my head is screaming that I'm an idiot.
"It's just prom. We're not dating." He says quickly looking directly at me.
No one notices the extreme tension coming across the table at the eye contact Brooks is pursuing in my direction, so Mrs. Dawson pushes the subject more, "Well regardless I'm glad to see you two going to prom together and I can't wait to see her dress in person, it looked so beautiful in the picture you showed me." She claps her hand excitedly. Layla rolls her eyes and I feel Brooks lightly kick me under the table my eyes slowly rise to meet his.
Instantly an overwhelming rush of nausea consumes me as his hazel eyes melt into mine.
I can't take it anymore. I feel sick. I feel light-headed as if my chest is going to burst into a million little pieces all over the table. Tears prickle my eyes and I know if I don't keep it together our secret is going to be what's exploded all over this dinner and not my insides.
"Yeah, it's fine." He shoots back at his mom in the tensest way I've ever seen him talk to her.
I can't believe he lied to me or at least wasn't upfront about it. I can feel the cracks in my heart splintering and my reserve fading. As I swallow down the tears, I suddenly drop my fork on my plate and the entire Dawson family is staring at me like I'm a rabid dog.
"I'm so sorry. I suddenly don't feel well, I think I need to go home. I'm gonna call my mom." I whisper with overwhelm, I feel a redness consume my face and sweat pooling on my forehead. All I want is to get as far away from this house as possible.
I must look as bad as I feel because Layla looks at me and agrees with my discomfort. "You don't look so good, girl. I'll help you get your stuff."
"I can run her home if you need me to," Brooks interjects and my eyes grow to the size of saucers.
Absolutely not.
"No! " comes out more aggressively than I intended as I try to recover, "It's fine...I'll call my mom."
Being stuck in a vehicle with Brooks is the last thing that I need right now. So I very quickly grab my phone from my purse and text my mom.
Layla carefully gets up from the table curiously looking from me to Brooks wondering what our strange exchange was about.
Layla and I clean up our schoolwork mess and as I glance back up at the table I see Brooks watching my every move as he pushes his food back and forth with his fork. I move faster and luckily our tiny town has its perks because the headlights from my mom's car are already pulling into the drive.
Without making eye contact with Brooks again, I think the Dawson's for the meal, hug Layla as they tell me to feel better and I rush to the door.
Keep it together Sydney. Do not lose it in front of your mom. I tell myself as I sink down into the front seat of the car.
The short drive is quiet and I only answer my mom's questions with a nod here and there. As soon as we get home I hurry inside, tossing good nights to my parents, and shut my bedroom door behind me.
I lean back against the cold wood and the tears are free to fall, and they do...like an avalanche of sadness consuming me. My chest hurts, my stomach aches and my knees are weak. I suppress the sobs so that my parents don't hear me and hold myself as the pain covers every inch of my body. Who knew something that felt so good could hurt this badly?
I peel myself up off the floor and sit down on my bed. I see my phone light up out of the corner of my eye, my gut knows it's a message from Brooks. Without reading it I power my phone down, the screen goes black and I toss it on the table next to my bed.
Wiping the tears with the sleeve of my shirt I turn my lamp off and close my eyes, trying to forget the last three hours ever happened.
AN: Poor little Sydney. :( Does anyone else remember the first time they felt their heartbreak at the hands of another??? That feeling in the bottom of your gut is a muscle memory that I don't think ever goes away.
Please vote...or don't. My words keep flowing. hahaha.