*Smiles* Hi guys!
So that's what the new Seth that Travis was describing looks like ---->
Seth's Point of View
I’ve never been more thankful for Luke than I did today. The only reason he went after me was because he’s been texting and calling me nonstop but I never answered him and he saw that as the perfect opportunity to talk to me…then he saw me crying. I can’t believe I cried in front of Travis but I couldn’t hold it in. Everything he said was true and I just hate myself more than I already did. He probably thought he was hiding it well and he was but his eyes…my God, his eyes. Seeing the hurt and the anger as he said what he did in his eyes just tore me up inside.
Luke helped me keep it together so that I could back to class and now he knows the person that made him break up with me, Travis. He was angry that Travis made me cry but what he didn’t understand was that it was my fault that I was crying. I hurt him and I had no idea how much I did until today.
When I first saw him I thought heart was about to burst. My heart was happy and my heart was in love. My mind, however, knew I had to push those thoughts away. The way he looked at me when I first turned around was the same way he looked at me that time when I told him I wanted to be kissed in the rain. Then Luke walked in and by the time I brought my attention back to Travis the Travis I knew was gone. I can’t blame him. He has every right to hate me, to be angry with me, and not want to see me again. But I wish he didn’t. I wished he still want me and he wouldn’t look at me like I’m scum. I can handle my dad looking at me like that but from Travis…it’s unexplainable.
And that’s why I gave him my phone number. We had an assignment to do, he obviously didn’t want to talk to me, and I couldn’t bear the way he looked at me. If you’ve ever been in love and have the person hate you with every fiber of your being then you’d understand how I feel.
I never thought I’d see Travis again. How did he end up at my university that I’ve been attending this past year and in my sociology class? What kind of sick faith is that? Did God think this was funny? I want so desperately to think that this is a sign that him and I belong together, what a silly little boy I’d be for thinking that. I used to think that a while back because nobody ever made me feel the way he did in high school. Just by looking at me, speaking to me, holding my hand, made me feel special. It made me feel wanted, needed, and desired.
Taking a deep breath, I raised my head to take in the old shack I live in. On the outside it looks like a perfect home. No one would guess the hell that goes on inside. I haven’t seen the sperm donor that called himself my father since that night he almost broke my door down. I don’t know what happened to him and I honestly couldn’t care less. The only downsize about him not being home is that the tiniest sound I hear I freak out, thinking it’s him coming home.
I sat on my bed with the TV on mute, that way I can hear if anything is happening inside the house and my father wouldn’t be aware that I’m home. The way I kept glancing at my phone one would think something magical is about to come out of it. No, I’m not expecting Travis to call me (I’m not even sure if he picked up the paper with my number on it); I’m waiting for my brother to call. It’s been a month and a half since I last heard from him and I’m dying to hear his voice. He always knows what to say and he has this way of making me feel less shitty about myself.
I realized one of my sketchpads was on my bed. This comes as a surprise to me because I don’t usually leave it out, I must have fallen asleep while I was drawing in it. Turning the book over, I was met with a half drawn picture of Travis. Huh, I thought. Funny thing is I don’t even remember drawing it. I closed the book and began looking through it from the front. Travis, Travis, Travis, Travis, and more Travis on every page.Some of these I didn’t realize I was drawing him until they were done. Everything was down to detail, his big curly hair, his almond shaped crystal like eyes, and his beautiful smile.
Why did this have to happen to me? Why couldn’t I just be with Travis and be happy? Why did the one single moment in my life that even though everything was far from okay I felt complete last? Why did they have to screw up my life this bad? People can be so selfish. No wonder this world we live in is fucked left, right, and center.
My phone vibrated and that’s when I noticed I was crying again. The remainder of my heart broke when I looked at my sketchpad and the only sketch I had of Travis where he was smiling was completely ruined. I quickly ripped the sheet out so that it wouldn’t ruin the other the sketches and picked up my phone.
“Hello?” I answered. I hated that my voice sounded so weak and worn out considering I barely even speak.
“Seth? What’s the matter? You don’t sound so good”
“Hunter,” I whispered. After that I couldn’t stop the sobs that came from my mouth. Hearing my brother’s voice would be equivalent to how a person feels when they’re upset then their best friend hugs them and it’s like in that moment every single emotion, every sadness ever felt, every tears ever cried, and every heart that has been broken comes crashing down. I just couldn’t get it together. Not even when Hunter was screaming my name and asking me what’s the matter.
“Seth! Seth!”
“Y-yes”
“Remember what I always told you, breathe. Close your eyes and take a deep breath.” I closed my eyes but it was hard to take a deep breath when I couldn’t stop hiccupping. “Now tell me what’s wrong, is it Vince? Did he do something?”
“Travis,” I managed.
I heard my brother sigh so I mentally prepared myself for one of his lectures about me moving on and stop living in the past and blah, blah, blah. To my surprise, it never came. “Was it that dream you always tell me about?”
“No, he’s here in my sociology class and he hates me”
“He doesn’t hate you”
“He does,” I insisted. “You didn’t see how he looked at me. His eyes were filled with so much hurt and his words were like venom…and it just sucked”
“He doesn’t hate you, Squirt. He’s angry, there’s a difference.” I was quiet. It doesn’t matter what Hunter is going to say it’s going to be hard to convince me otherwise. He didn’t see the way Travis looked at me. I can’t blame Travis for feeling the way he does about me. “Have you thought about telling—”
“He won’t listen. I doubt he’d even care about anything I have to say,” I grumbled rather grumpily.
He sighed again. “You’re just being stubborn and making excuses. Just tell him that mom—”
“I can’t! Jesus, don’t you get it? All I did was ask him how he’s been and he fucking told me how much I hurt him! You think I want to hear that shit? I know how much I hurt him, okay? Hearing it from his mouth seriously killed me. All right? I-I-can’t keep hurting myself and I can’t hurt him anymore than I already have.”
My brother and I were quiet for minute, I’m sure. I know I shouldn’t be angry with him…I’m just frustrated and I don’t know what to do.
“How’s Vince?” He questioned, switching topics to the father of the year.
“I don’t know. Haven’t seen him in a week,” I responded, shrugging nonchalantly.
“Don’t worry about it. I put some money in your bank account. Spend it wisely because I’m not sure when I’m going to be able to send you any more”
“It’s alright, thank you”
“Squirt?”
“Hmm?”
“He hasn’t tried anything with you, has he?”
“Dad? No,” I lied.
I heard him let out a breath as if he was scared I’d say yes. I wouldn’t tell him that. He has to be fighting a freaking war. Being worried about me and what our father might be doing to me is the last thing I want to be on his mind. “Good. That’s really good.” I nodded even though he couldn’t see him. “I have to go. I love you, don’t ever forget that”
“I love you too, and stay safe”
“Anything for you. And Seth?”
“Yes…”
“As for as Travis is concerned, start out simple”
***
So my sociology class meets three days per week, which means I’m going to see Travis tomorrow. I know I can’t just apologize because as my brother said, he’s angry and forcing everything on him all at once would be stupid and it wouldn’t work. I looked at the paper I printed from the library and smiled. I’ve never written anything so honest in my life.
I felt new when I woke up. All my nerves were fully awake, knowing what I was about to do. Due to the fact that I was making sure I looked extra good for school today I almost missed my bus, I had to run to catch it. Arriving at class, I was the only one there. My feet wouldn’t stay still; they just kept bouncing and bouncing.
One student came in, then another student came in…a total of five students came in and that’s when I got really nervous. I began chewing on the nail of my thumb and that’s when Travis walked in. The sight of him took my breath away and I wish he belonged to me. He wore khaki cargo shorts, red low top converses, with a red Gucci shirt. He walked right past me to the seat behind me. I wiped my mouth to make sure I wasn’t drooling.
Taking a deep breath, I turned in my seat. He was mid-bite in a yummy looking egg and bacon sandwich when he looked at me. Rolling his eyes, he pulled his Beats headphones from his ears and gave me an expectant look.
“What?” He growled when I didn’t say anything.
I shook my head, “Nothing, I just wanted to say hi.” That was simple.
“Oh,” he looked shocked and unsure of how to respond. “Hey…I guess.” He put his headphones back on and started eating. I turned back in my seat with a huge smile on my face and it stayed there for the rest of the day.
Maybe this really is a sign that we’re meant to be together. Maybe God wasn’t being cruel after all. Hmm!
A/N
soooo???