☾ Ember ☾
THE NIGHT IS LONG AND RESTLESS. Clementine tosses and turns like a mad man. I can't fall asleep, Royal is sleeping soundly beside Clem, which still surprises me. He just seems like the type to snore, but he doesn't. Weird. It's very weird.
He stayed the night, Clementine didn't want him to leave, I don't think I wanted him to either. He's been so helpful and he's been keeping us company. I may not want to admit it, but he's not all bad. I'd never tell him that though, I'd rather gouge my eyes out. Maybe in the morning I can shave his beard. Have Clem help me strap him to a chair. Oh, how fun that'd be. I smile at the thought of a fussing Royal trying to get away from two girls. He'd probably say some snippy ass comment.
I might just have to smack him in advance.
I stare up at the ceiling, tomorrow will be long. Shann and I have to hunt down the man who scarred Clem and shred him to ribbons. I don't give two fucks if I piss off Logon, he needs to understand that a child was abused on his ship. His ship. HE should be the one doing this. Not me! It's his gods damned boat. He's the captain, and he has his head too far shoved up his ass to notice anything. Clem gave Shann and I a description of the man. He was tall and big. It can't be Easton, her description of the man doesn't match Easton. I'm relieved, I really didn't want to go and kill him, he was nice enough to me, it'd be a pity to kill him.
I sigh agitatedly, my head won't shut up and I can't seem to fall asleep. So, I quietly peel myself out of bed. Guiding myself through the darkness. Before going to the door I realize I'm only in shorts and a lace tank top. I glance around, looking for anything to cover myself with. My eyes land on Royal's black sweater, hanging on the hook of my door. I shove my bare feet back into my flats and sling on his sweater, it's huge on me but it's warm, and it covers me.
I slowly open the door, careful not to make any noise and slip out. I glance once, at Clem and Royal sleeping in my bed, her head is on Royal's shoulder. He sleeps with his arms behind his head, golden hair ruffled all over his face. I almost smile at it.
He sleeps in a grey t-shirt and long black sweatpants that are cuffed at the ankles.
Shann gave Clem one of his shirts to sleep in, it looks like a nightgown on her. It's adorable.
I glance at them one last time before closing the door and heading up to the deck. I wrap Royal's sweater more tightly around me as I step outside. The wind and water hitting me in the face. It's a rather large ship, but you can't seem to step anywhere without getting hit with water.
The Moon is full tonight. I can feel him against my shields, asking to be let in. I make my way over to the side of the boat where Royal, Shann and I were earlier. I lean my forearms on the railing, staring across the water. It's beautiful, the water looks pitch black in the night. The stars and Moon are reflecting in the ocean. It looks like a painting. One I wish could be captured. If only I was artistic. That is one skill I'd enjoy.
I sigh contently and finally allow Luan in. Hello Ember. He says, I smile up at him. Hello Luan.
You've never referred to me as Luan before. He observes, I tilt my head to the side. Well, that's your name. Isn't it?
Luan sighs, Yes, it is. I really feel like screaming "Bingo" at his confession. I knew it! I was right! It is Luan talking to me, but why? Why me?
So I ask just that, Why? Why talk to me, you're the God of the Moon! Surely you must have better things to do? He's quiet a moment, so I continue, Yes, sometimes the gods reach out to children, but that's rare. You speak with me every night! Why?
Would you rather I not? He asks, That's not what I meant. I sigh, irritated. Why can't he answer the freaking question? Remember, Luan says, when I told you I had a wife and children? He asks, I nod my head. He told me on my walk back home with Faune, we never did get to finish that discussion, I guess we will now.
My wife and I had two children. Twins, like you and your sister. When you two were born, my wife and I felt drawn to you because you remind us greatly of our children. Your powers are very similar to theirs. We felt more than the Boundment. We felt you. Both of you. My wife was graviated to your sister, her being Sun-Bound she felt pulled to Faune. I, on the other hand, felt pulled to you, Ember. Well, I think dragged is a better word. I felt attached to you, I had to know you, talk to you. My wife felt the same. But, we have trouble making contact with the other. I've been able to see Faune a handful of times, and my wife with you. It strains her trying to talk to you, being Moon-Bound, you repel her. You repel the Sun. Today, when she contacted you, it was hard, she couldn't reach you for long, without creating a Calling with her. I talk to you every night, Ember, because you remind me of my child. And I miss her dearly.
How is it possible for you to have children? I ask, I thought the gods couldn't conceive.
He sighs, I imagine him running a hand through his midnight hair. Assuming he has hair. We never found out, it was a mystery to all us.
I think back on his story. Something doesn't sit right with me. Had? I ask, You had children? What happened to them?
They were stolen from us.
My mouth hangs open. Stolen? From the gods? How the fuck is that possible? Immortal beings with great power, and someone steals their only children?
Stolen?
Yes, my children were stolen from my wife and I. My wife was devastated knowing she could never bear us any children, but when she was pregnant she was ecstatic. Then when they were taken . . . she was shattered. They were her everything, mine too of course, but they were her pride and joy, they were ripped from us. Cursed to sleep-
Cursed? I cut him off. They were cursed?
If it's possible for the Moon to stop breathing, he does. No one's cursed. I'll talk to you tomorrow Ember.
What-? And just like that, he's gone.
I stand confused. Did I say something wrong? Maybe I asked too many questions, maybe I pried too much into the subject? I huff a sigh and rub my hands up and down my face, trying to clear my head. I wish I could've asked him more questions, like, children?! The gods are barren, they can never have children because of how powerful they are, the fact that the Sun and Moon had two children . . . they would be incredibly powerful. He seemed so sad talking about his children, I can't imagine Luan's pain. To be told your entire life you wouldn't be able to bear children, and then, by a miracle, you have them and then they're taken? I wouldn't be able to go on.
But what really confuses me is whatever curse he was talking about. Did he mean his children were cursed? Is that why they cannot find them? Surely his children would be immortal and practically gods, but if they're cursed, that could explain why he can't find his children. That's not even the crazy part, someone was powerful enough to steal their children. To steal from the two most powerful gods? This is not good, whoever this is is incredibly powerful. I've never heard of anyone so powerful before. Wait, that's not true. There . . . is the man who killed Mama. His power was coursing through our entire cottage, I could practically smell it that night.
I stop breathing.
What if it's him?
The man who murdered Mama could be the same man who cursed and stole the Sun and Moon's children.
Holy fucking shit.
Then what did he want with Mama? Memories from that dreadful night come flying back to me. Why is it you're here? Mama asked the man, Mama held me so tightly against her. He had taken a step towards us and replied, I believe you have something that belongs to me, Ava. He had been grinning at me so ferociously. It scared the living hell out of me. I remember thinking he looked like a cat, a feral born cat. His face had looked so malicious. I remember thinking he looked like one of the feline guardians, the guardians who ward off demons. I have nothing that belongs to you. Mama had held her chin high and her voice even as she spoke to him, even though her whole body was trembling with fear. It is unwise to lie to me, Ava. The man had said, sucking his teeth and glaring. After that . . . I turn my head and try to hide my tears, from whom, I don't know.
Why had the man looked at me like that, what did Mama take from him? Mama was not a thief, but whatever he thought she took . . . must've been of great importance. Anger roils through me, my mother stole nothing from him, I refuse to believe she would ever take something from him. He was mistaken, and because of his mistake my mother died. At his hand.
I slam my fist down hard on the railing. Metal meets my knuckles harshly, but I don't care, I welcome the pain. I want the pain. I need to hit something, or someone. I could settle on someone.
I'm about to leave when someone sidles up beside me, their tall and large. They tower beside me. I whip my head to them. Royal.
He's looking out at the ocean, not looking at me. He's in the clothes he was sleeping in and his blonde curls are everywhere. His face shows no emotion as he stares out. He doesn't even glance in my direction.
I stare at him incredulously. What's he doing?
I open my mouth but he's already answering the question running through my brain. "Shann knocked to come check up on Clementine," he says, still not looking at me, "we noticed you weren't there, I came to look for you. He's watching over her." So she's not alone. He doesn't say it, but I know it's implied. My thoughts calm a bit, I had thought he left her alone. Smart boy.
"Well," I say resting my head in my hands and gazing out across the water. "You didn't need to come and find me."
"Yes, I did." He still won't look at me, fine, don't look at me, I won't look at you either Royal O'Dea.
"Why's that?"
"Because of your back." Ah, that. I really don't want to get into this right now, I've pushed it away and moved past it. Especially the word etched into my back. The word that haunts me every day. The word that will forever be a constant reminder of what I am.
"What about it?" I ask, not in the mood to go right into the story of how I got the scars and the word.
He looks at me now, fury lined all over his face. "Ember, you know damn well what about." He spits.
I simply shrug, trying to become the spitting image of nonchalance. "A year ago I was kidnapped in Brallen. Someone who had some unfinished business with Minette. They tortured me to send a message to her. My back was the result of that."
Horror and disgust dance through his face, but most of all hatred. Hatred burns through his eyes. For whom, I don't know. But it's there, in his mint green eyes. Undiluted hatred. I have to look away from it. "And the word?" He asks, his voice barely a growl. I sigh, tiredly, oh so tiredly. "They did it to remind me of what I am and what I will always be." I say defeatedly.
"That is not true," he hisses, I finally look at him. His gaze is unyielding as he stares at me. I narrow my eyes, "How would you know Royal? We've known each other, what, a week? How do you know the word is untrue?"
"Because you aren't alone," he says gently gripping my chin. Just the mention of the name of the word makes me cringe. Alone.
He knew what he was doing, he had researched me, found out who my friends were, who my family was. He found my weakness, my insecurities. He broke me. He so utterly broke me. He reminded me day in and day out that I was alone, that I was unloved, that no one would come to get me. And I believed him. No one knew I was gone, Reighla was the one who suspected something was wrong and went to go contact Faune. Lokas had told Faune Minette had come back without me and everyone was confused, but besides that, no one knew I was gone. Reighla came and slayed everyone who touched me. I had never been so glad to see her, and Faune, Faune came as well. But Reighla was the one to save me. Faune was able to tap into the Calling and reach me, she asked for my location so she could find me, but it was Reighla who brought me home. It was Reighla who rescued me. It was Reighla who nurtured me.
That is what I mean by "our relationship is complicated". Yes, Reighla is crazy and scary, but she loves me. The only person I know who willingly loves me. Who wants me. I know I sound ridiculous, but it feels good knowing someone out there wants me. Even if it is Reighla.
Sometimes, all you need is someone to love you, someone to tell you that you matter. I'm still waiting for that person.
That was why I made the deal with her, I was sad and she was showing me love and compassion. I was scared to let it go.
"You have me." Royal says, I almost jump at his voice. I was so far deep in my own thoughts I forgot he was speaking to me.
"Do I? After we get Minette and Eden you'll go back to living your life Royal. I appreciate you trying to be nice, but I do not need your pity."
Royal takes my face in his hands and forces me to look at him. My heart races. "It wasn't pity, Ember. You have me. I'm here." My knees nearly buckle at the force of his tone. The unspoken words we shared on our way to the boat come rushing back to me. I'm here. I understand. Royal O'Dea is nothing like what I thought. He's still a mystery to me, but, right here, right now, all that matters is us. Him and I. The thought doesn't scare me.
Emotion fills me and I'm at a loss for words. So, I nod my head. I can feel the tears threatening to surface but I push them away and bite my wobbling lip. Royal's eyes soften, he leans down and rests his brow against mine. My heart thunders in my chest, but I try not to focus on it. I focus on him. I reach up and hold his wrists, not wanting him to let go. If he let go . . . I don't think I'd ever stop falling. I close my eyes and just breathe. Breathe Royal. Cedar and rain, a smell I've come to love. Cedar and rain cedar and rain. Our breath mingles, I'm surprised mine is coming out even instead of panting. I've never- I've never been like this with a guy before. Intimate. Is that even what this is? What is this? What the fuck is this?
"Ember," he says my name like a plea. My insides melt at it. I sink into him. Gods, what have I gotten myself into? I peek my eye open to see him smiling, a cute smile. Cute. Gods, I'm in deep shit. "What?" I ask a little breathlessly.
"I don't remember you asking for my sweater."
Both of my eyes fly open, heat rushes to my cheeks. "I was cold, sorry-" I let go of his wrist that are holding my face to shuck off his sweater, but stops me. He laughs, "It's fine, it looks better on you than me anyways." He finishes with a smirk.
His eyes suddenly change, there's a burning in his green pearls. A yearning. I swallow. The intensity scares and burns me. I have two options, ignore it, or . . . instead of thinking I act. I grab Royal's face and pull him on me. His eyes widen. My lips crash down on top of his. He freezes, his body is tense all over, but I hold him against me and kiss him oh so gently. His lips are sweet, it sends a pang to my heart.
Terror runs through me, I'm about to pull away when he kisses me back. It's fierce and passionate. His arms snake around my waist and he pulls me against him. His tongue slides with mine. My hands dig into his blonde hair, I tug on one curl for good measure and a deep growl comes from Royal, it sets my insides on fire.
My heart is thundering, yes, I've kissed men before. But Royal . . . it feels right. It feels like I was always meant to do this. I was always supposed to be with him. Can I do this? Be in a relationship? I've never-
I always thought I'd be with Lokas, so I did nothing to jeopardize the idea of us being together. That meant being alone and waiting. But, I can't do that. He doesn't love me, he loves Faune. It's always been her. Maybe, just maybe, Royal can be that for me. Royal could love me, Royal could care for me. Couldn't he?
My arms slink around his neck and I'm on my tiptoes. He's so gargantuan. It's unnecessary.
It's hot.
I nip Royal's lip, he groans into my mouth. My insides are practically mushy and gooey at this point. Oh gods, what is this boy doing to me-
Out of nowhere Royal pushes me away. A little too harshly, I stumble on the deck. My head whips to him. His eyes are wide and disgust is all over his beautiful face. My heart cracks at the look he's giving me.
"You can't do that," He snarls, his disgust turning quickly into rage. What the fuck is happening right now? "You can't do that." He repeats.
"I'm sorry," I mumble, so incredibly defeatedly and sadly. Why did I even think he could love me? Who could? I'm a monster. I'm a bitch. I'm alone. I was stupid to ever think he wanted me. I was stupid to think I could be wanted at all.
"Why?" He demands, stomping up to me. Scowl twisting his beautiful features into ugly ones. I scowl right back this time. Furious at myself and him. Me for being so weak and letting my defenses down. Letting myself imagine a happy future for myself. And angry at him, for not wanting me.
"I don't know," I hiss, "Why'd you kiss me back?"
He glowers down at me. "This can't happen again, we can't do that, Ember."
I cross my arms over my chest, "I thought-"
"You thought wrong," He growls, "whatever you 'thought' is wrong. Ember, you and I will never happen."
I take a step back, so many emotions pouring into me. I think I might just break. I need to go I need to go. My power is pulsing underneath my skin, reacting to the intense emotions pouring through my body. I force myself to hide it. He can't see me like this. He can't. If he does . . .
"Okay, I'm sorry." I whisper, I guess I must not be hiding my emotions very well because the fury leaves his face once he sees me. His face crumples. He opens his mouth and then shuts it. His eyes are wide. I'm confused by the emotion I see run through his eyes. Fear. Fear for what? My heart quickens. He's pitying me, he feels sorry for me. What? Does he think I'm a basket case or something. The sad lonely girl will finally break at his rejection?
He's right.
It's pathetic, but I can't bear another heartbreak, and this one? Hurts worse than the others. I don't know why.
He takes a step towards me, hand outstretched. "Ember I-"
I put up my hands and smile sheepishly, trying my best to hide my despair. "It's fine, I'm sorry, it won't happen again." He takes another step and shakes his head profusely. As if trying to retract what he said, but he can't. The damage has been done. He's taken a large anvil and dropped it on top of my small withered heart. My broken heart that couldn't take another battle.
"Ember-" he starts, but I've already left. I storm down the ship and open the door that leads the cabins. I fly by them until I reach the supply cupboard at the end of the hall. I step in and secure the door behind me. I sink down to the ground and let my sobs out.
Another person who doesn't want me. Another person who doesn't love me. Another person to admit to me that I'm alone.
My magic erupts throughout the closet, darkness circles me. I don't fight the darkness.
I let it take me.