Actions, not words.
HANNAH
Carrack threw his unfinished cigarette on the floor then stepped on it. He placed his left hand on the small of my back then leaned on me. "You're drunk, baby," he whispered.
I may be drunk, but that state can't take away my embarrassment. I want to find a hole somewhere and crawl on it. If there's none, I want to dig my own hole and crawl on it.
"Girlfriend?" an unfamiliar man asked.
Umayos ng tayo si Carrack at mas hinapit ako. "Soon," he smoothly answered.
Rile whistled. "Pangarap ni Mr. Amante."
Carrack ignored his friend then introduced the guy to me. His name's Steven, and he's a college friend.
Right after introducing me, Carrack excused us then we went back inside. Instead of getting back on our table, he lead me to the bar counter. He had me seated on a vacant stool then he stood behind me, trapping me inside his arms.
On this moment, I don't care anymore if someone we know see us. My jealousy is eating me. And I am still confused of what's with Stella and Carrack.
"A glass of water and a boilermaker, please," Carrack ordered on the passing bartender. He turned his full attention on me after that. "Selene let you get drunk?" he smirked.
"I'm not drunk," I pouted. Iniwas ko ang mukha ko sa kanya dahil dikit na ang mukha n'ya halos sa akin.
"Hmm..." he briefly kissed my cheek. "If my baby isn't drunk, then why is she kissing me?" he softly murmured on my skin. "And in front of people..."
I bit my bottom lip. Pakiramdam ko ay nahihilo ako sa sobrang lapit ni Carrack sa akin at sa pinagsasasabi n'ya. Nakita na nga na hindi ako komportable at hiyang-hiya ako sa nagawa ko, inuulit-ulit pa!
"Hannah..." Carrack pressed. "Talk to me, baby..."
Dahil sa sobrang suyo ng pagkakasabi n'ya, bumabangon na naman sa pakiramdam ko ang mga kiliti mula sa loob ng balat. Eksperto na si Carrack sa pagpaparamdam sa akin ng ganito. Minsan ay parang gusto ko na lang na mangisay at magtitili sa mga ganitong pinaparamdam n'ya.
"Where's Stella?" I asked instead. I started fidgeting my fingers with each other. I can't keep calm with Carrack intruding my personal space!
Carrack hummed near my ear. "I don't know. Why are you asking me?"
My brows furrowed. Napilitan akong lingunin s'ya para makita ang reaksyon n'ya, kung binibiro n'ya lang ba ako o ano.
I gasped when I saw Carrack's drunk look on me. Mas pumungay pa ang mga mata n'ya nang bumaba ito sa labi ko. He slightly parted his lips.
I can't explain what I am feeling while I'm looking at his expression. His heavy-lidded eyes, his moist and red lips, his serious expression, his body heat against mine, his enticing smell... everything about him is intoxicating! Sobrang lapit n'ya sa akin at pakiramdam ko ay tinutunaw n'ya ako. May kakaibang kilabot akong naramdaman na gumapang sa buong sistema ko.
Bahagyang napatalon ako sa kinauupuan nang magsalita ang babaeng bartender sabay ng paglapag ng mga inumin na order ni Carrack. Napaayos ako ng pagkakaupo at pinihit ang katawan ko paharap sa counter. I placed both my hands around the glass of water, wishing for its temperature to affect my rapidly increasing body temperature.
"Selene asked you in a text. You replied..." I said in a small voice. Hindi ko alam kung narinig n'ya ba dahil sa sobrang hina ng boses ko at maingay ang paligid.
Pero mukhang narinig n'ya dahil sumagot s'ya ng "Ah..." Kung sabagay, sobrang lapit n'ya sa akin!
Mas lalong yumuko pa si Carrack. Ramdam ko na ang katawan n'ya sa likod ko, at ang mukha n'ya ay nasa gilid ko. He placed his chin over my right shoulder.
Natataranta na ako pero nagawa ko pa ring sundan ng tingin ang kanang braso n'ya nang ipatong n'ya iyon sa countertop sa harap ko. Hawak n'ya ang cellphone n'ya at mabilis na na-unlock iyon. I saw his picture with Stan as his wallpaper. He's really a doting uncle.
Carrack navigated on his phone until he's on his thread with Selene. Nabasa ko doon ang kasunod ng mga mensahe n'ya kay Selene na hindi ko na hinintay kanina dahil sa sobrang sama ng loob.
Carrack: Yeah. This is better than the party, lol.
Selene: Seriously? You're banging?
Carrack: Wth?
Selene: Are we talking about the same St?
Selene: Stella?
Carrack: Hell no. Lol, I'm with this...
(Image of his hand holding a packet of a cigarettes.)
Carrack: STICKS!
Carrack: Dumbass
Selene: .|.
I giggled after reading that.
Akala ko talaga...
"Why are you thinking that I'm with Stella anyway?" Carrack asked after dropping his phone on the counter then he took the smaller glass. Bahagyang lumayo s'ya sa akin para mainom nang maayos ang order n'ya.
I watched him in awe as he took it straight then he quickly followed with the glass of beer. He drank half of it before he dropped it back on the countertop. Nilingon n'ya ako at bahagyang tinaas ang isang kilay.
I'm still distracted from watching how his adam's apple bobbed up as he took gulfs from his drinks. Dang! He looks so hot.
"Baby..." Carrack slightly laughed. "Why are you assuming that I'm with Stella?" he pried.
I swallowed something that's not really there on my throat. Napainom ako sa baso ng tubig at tumitig doon matapos kong ibalik sa ibabaw ng counter.
"Because she said she's with someone. And she's currently into you," I murmured.
"What?" Carrack asked then he resumed his previous position on my shoulder. I shivered as he dropped a kiss on my exposed shoulder. "Damn, Hannah... I can't think straight," he murmured on my shoulder. "All I can think of is your possessive kisses." He renewed his embrace on my body. "You got me whipped, baby."
All I can do is to bite on my lower lip. I can feel the erratic beating of my heart. My nerves are on frenzy and I feel high with emotions. Mas nalalasing ako dito kay Carrack kaysa sa alak.
But this is crazy!
I cleared my throat. "We thought that you're with Stella since she said that she's having a good time with someone. And she's currently into you," I said more loudly this time.
Carrack chuckled. "Well... she flirted for a while. Hindi ko nga lang pinansin," Carrack said in a teasing tone. "You know why?"
Because she's my cousin? Or because I am here?
He continued even without response from me. "It's because my baby is dancing on the dancefloor below me. She's unaware that she's enthralling men... and I am no exception. I am completely captured by that siren. My baby. So, how can I shed an ounce of attention to other girl?"
I caught my breath as I felt his soft kisses on my exposed shoulder.
"And I feel fucking jealous with every other bastards. Because they can freely watch you. They can freely approach you," he said with lace of irritation and warning. "So I asked Xyz to fend off the bastards. Dahil hindi ako pwede. Dahil ayaw mo. Dahil wala pang 'tayo'. Kaya lumabas na lang ako. I need to puff my frustrations. Bago ko pa mapasabog ang mukha ni Rayleigh sa kakaasar n'ya sa akin!"
"I'm sorry..."
"No, Hannah," Carrack softly said then kissed my cheek. "I understand, baby. We're not yet ready. I'm sorry for my impatience."
We fell silent after that. Bahagyang kumalas sa akin si Carrack para maubos na ang inumin n'ya, pero bumalik rin sa pagkakalingkis sa akin nang matapos. Humingi s'ya ng isa pang basong tubig at muling bumaling sa akin.
Hindi ko kayang tumitig sa kanya dahil sa sobrang kaba ko. Baka nga ramdam n'ya ang pagwawala ng puso ko dahil sa yakap n'ya.
"You kissed me because you thought I'm with Stella? You jealous?" Carrack leisurely asked.
I can feel my face heating up. Admitting to myself that I am jealous is easy. But admitting it to Carrack is another thing!
Carrack chuckled. He quickly kissed my cheek. Pinanggigilan n'ya ako ng yakap habang mahinang humahalakhak.
"My baby is good with action rather in words," he teased.
I glared at him. Pakiramdam ko ay pahiyang-pahiya na ako dito. S'ya itong amin nang amin ng nararamdaman n'ya ngunit ako itong mas nahuhuli n'ya.
Carrack gave me his sweetest smile. "Instead of saying that you're jealous, you chose to claim me, huh?" Carrack held my chin then tipped my head up. "You marked me, Hannah. And I want my mark branded on you as well."
I don't know what expression or reaction I am making in front of him. All I know is that I am overjoyed, nervous and scared at the same time. I don't know if I'm good enough to take the risks again.
Ganito pa nga lang kami... nagkakaintindihan pa lang at hindi pa talagang nasa isang relasyon ay ganito na ako kung makaselos, paano pa kung maging kami? What if I became too possessive? What if insecurity eat me alive? What if I became too much forhim?
I haven't built myself yet. Hindi pa ako tuluyang nakakabangon mula sa pagkakadapa ko. Nasa puso ko pa rin ang mga takot at pangamba ko. Nasa isip ko pa rin ang bangungot ko. At nasa akin pa rin ang galit sa nangyari sa akin.
Nasa puso ko na ang pagmamahal kay Carrack. Pero hindi pa iyon ang natatangi roon. Kahati pa ng pagmamahal ko sa kanya ang galit ko sa demonyo ng nakaraan.
And I don't want to be unfair with Carrack. Gusto ko na kung papasukin ko ang relasyon kasama s'ya, dapat ay buong-buo na kanya na ako. Wala na dapat s'yang kahati sa puso ko.
And I am not yet ready. I'm not yet on that point that I am willing to let go of my hatred.
Dahil hindi ko pa kayang lumimot at magpatawad. I am not yet strong enough to forgive.
Hindi ko namalayan na napaluha na ako sa mga nasa isip ko. Napansin ko na lang na nagbago ang ekspresyon ng mukha ni Carrack matapos pahirin ang luha ko.
"I-I'm sorry," I gave him a bitter smile.
Carrack smiled. "I know, baby. I understand," he breathed. "I'll always understand."
I closed my eyes as Carrack leaned closer then pressed his lips on my forehead. "I'll wait for that one day, Hannah. When I can call you mine."
I want to tell him that I love him. I want to give him assurance. But I know that that will be selfish. I don't want to give him a halfhearted assurance. That's not what he deserves.
With Stella missing from the scene and Selene drunk, Carrack decided to have an impromptu sleepover on Selene's unit. He took us on his SUV. Ang sasakyan ni Selene ay ipinahatid ni Carrack sa bahay nila sa Makati sa isa sa mga bodyguards nila.
Carrack parked his car on the car park of Selene's building then he carried his sister to the lift. I was beside him, carrying Selene's things.
"I thought you're not drinking anymore?" Carrack said to his drunk sister.
Selene had her arms wrapped on Carrack's neck. "I miss him, Kuya!" she whined. "I miss Frigate so damn fucking much!"
Carrack chuckled.
I smiled.
Inihatid namin si Selene sa kuwarto n'ya. Ibinaba s'ya ni Carrack sa kama.
"Selene is not the type who will throw up when drunk," Carrack explained. "If it's not much, can you please change her clothes then give her a sponge bath?"
I giggled. "I will."
"There's spare dental kits on the bathroom. And feel free to borrow her change of clothes."
I nodded.
"I'll be on the other room, Han. If you need anything..."
"A good night kiss," I replied with a smile.
Carrack gave a bewildered expression.
I shook my head. "Labas ka na. Bibihisan ko na si Selene."
Naguguluhang lumabas si Carrack. Napapahagikgik na lang ako habang inaayos ang kalagayan ng kaibigan ko.
I stripped Selene's clothes then I gave her a sponge bath. I picked a pair of shorts and sando from her closet then put it on her. Sa mga ginawa ko ay napunta ang katawan ng tulog na tulog na si Selene sa bandang paanan ng kama.
I decided to call Carrack so he can carry his sister and position her properly on the bed.
Papunta pa lang ako sa guestroom ay napansin ko na bukas ang ilaw sa kusina. I followed my instinct and went there instead. There, I saw Carrack drinking a bottle of Jim Beam. Mukhang malalim ang iniisip n'ya.
"H-Hey..." he called in a surprised tone when I stepped in the kitchen.
I didn't fight the urge to step closer to him. I wrapped my arms on his body as I pressed myself on his side. Amoy alak s'ya pero mas lamang pa rin ang mabangong amoy n'ya.
Carrack is already half-naked so I can feel his warmth on my skin. He feels nice. So comforting.
He feels like... home.
"I'm sorry..." I uttered.
He took a deep breath then he hugged me back. I felt how he kissed the crown of my head.
"Stop apologizing please," he lightly chuckled. "You're not rejecting me, aren't you?"
I shook my head. "I am in love with you, Carrack."
There. I said it.
Dang!
But I can't help but admit my feelings because of the sadness on his eyes and voice. I don't want him sad over something trivial. I don't want him to doubt himself.
I am not giving mix signals. I don't want to push and pull him. I want him assured. I want him to hope and place his faith on me. I need him... as selfish as it may seem, but I want him to hope and wait for us.
Because he's my every reason and motivation.
I want to overcome every fear and anxiety in me. I want to be stronger. I want to learn how to forgive.
Because I want to devote myself completely to Carrack. I want him to have all of me. Every piece of me. And I don't want to hand him over a rotten part. Ayoko na matanggap n'ya ang Hannah na hindi makalimot. Ang Hannah na may takot at nangangamba. Ayoko na makuha n'ya ang Hannah na nagdududa.
"I love you," I repeated in a firm tone. "But I am not yet ready to forget. I am not yet ready to forgive. And I know that you don't deserve the kind of woman I am right now."
Carrack held my face with both his hands. He made me face him. I saw how his eyes glistened with euphoria.
"Let's do this together," he said. "Let me help you, Hannah."
I gave him a bitter smile. I shook my head. "You're not part of the past that I want to forget. And I don't want you to be involve with it." I smiled at him. "I want you on my future, Carrack. I won't let you be part of anything that's been haunting me."
"But I want to help you."
"My love for you is enough help. You're my greatest reason to solidify my resolve. You're my strength to face my demons. And that's enough."
It took us a while before he nodded.
"I'll wait, Hannah. I'll wait for you."
And we sealed that promise with a kiss. The sweetest and warmest kiss I ever felt.
"Baby..." Carrack gently called. He's combing my hair with his fingers.
Magkatabi kami ng higa sa king size bed ni Selene. Sa kabilang gilid ko ay ang tulog na tulog na si Selene. He won't be sleeping here, but he said he wants to watch me sleep.
"Am I not allowed to know what happen between you and Skipper?" Carrack as in a cautious tone.
I shut my eyes. And to somewhat ease my anxiety, I snuggled closer on him. I need his warmth. I need his comfort to assure my system that I'll be fine as long as I got him.
"I'd rather have you empty-headed with that. Because that's the part that I am most ashamed of," I said.
"I can accept everything, Hannah. I'll embrace every part of you. Even those that were broken."
And this moment, I confirmed it with myself that I am loving the right man this time. Because not only with his words, but everything about him is genuine.
"Naniniwala ka ba sa akin? Hindi ka ba naniniwala na nasa isip ko lang ang mga sinasabi ko?" I asked in a careful tone. "I was diagnosed with schizophrenia," I warned him.
Carrack wrapped me in his warmth. "I believe in you. I hear your fear. I feel your anxiety. I understand your doubts."
I gently laughed. "The more reason I wouldn't wish for you to look into my past. I don't want you to know the depth of my wounds. I don't want to share this torment with you. You don't deserve the hatred."
Carrack didn't say anything else after that. Like he's digesting my words.
But knowing that he's trusting me... understanding me in a complete sense, is a blissful feeling.
And after everything that happened to me, I am starting to believe in Him again. And even with the pain and fears still lingering in my heart and soul, I want to thank Him for blessing me with this man in my arms.
I can feel that Carrack... my emptions towards him, is my rebirth. He'll be the beginning of the life that I want to give myself. He's the foundation of my hope, faith and love. He's my luck.
Carrack Amante is my salvation.
______________
October 31, 2020
8th chapter na tayo, at hindi bababa ng 3 thousand words ang isang chapter. Binibilisan ko ang flow ng story para makarami :)
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