EPIPHANY

Timendi causa est nescire (2)

ignorance is the cause of fear

HANNAH

I know that we can't go on like this. 

Gathering every ounce of courage within me, I shamelessly pulled Carrack's hand. Tears are already brimming my eyes but I willed myself to look straight at Carrack's eyes. 

Carrack turned his head and I was met with his indifferent expression. 

I fought the urge to bite on my bottom lip. I did my best to prevent myself from crying.

Mas hinila ko pa ang kamay ni Carrack kaya tuluyan na s'yang humarap sa akin. Pilit kong iniignora ang sakit na sumasaksak sa akin dahil sa walang interes na ekpresyon ng mukha ni Carrack. 

"I don't care anymore, Carrack," matapang na sabi ko. Nananakit na ang lalamunan ko dahil pinipigilan ko na humikbi. Naramdaman ko rin ang pagbagsak ng luha ko, pero hindi ko iyon pinahid. Ginagap ko ang kaliwang kamay ni Carrack gamit ang dalawang kamay ko. "I can't go on like this. Life is not life without you. I don't care about anything else. Just..." I failed to hold my cries. "Just don't leave me, please. I'll do everything you want."

I can feel my knees shaking while looking at Carrack's face. He remained expressionless. 

Wala na ba s'yang pakielam sa akin? 

I am so stupid. I had the chance to happiness. I had this wonderful man with me. But I ruined us because I was scared. I was stupid and a coward. 

"P-Please..." I sobbed. If I have to, luluhod ako sa harap n'ya. Magmamakaawa ako sa kanya. 

Carrack sighed. "How was your date with that guy?"

Nahinto ang iyak ko at pati yata ang utak ko. Huh? I didn't expect that. 

"Huh?" 

"The guy on the club. How was your date? Your cousins are setting you up with him, right? And you're doing whatever your cousins say," he raised his brow and he gave me a mocking smile. 

I wet my lips with my tongue. "I never went on a date with any man. Ikaw lang," I said, a little defensive. "And I was occupied with thoughts of you," nahihiyang dagdag ko. 

I bowed my head. 

I almost gasped when Carrack pinched my chin with his right hand. He lifted my head and pulled his left hand I was holding kaya natangay ako at sumubsob sa kanya. 

"I heard you're socially withdrawing yourself?" Carrack asked while looking deep into my eyes. It's like he's trying to read my mind and my soul. 

I took in his scent. I miss him so much. I miss getting this close to him. I miss his warmth. 

Unconsciously, nabitiwan ko ang kamay nya at tila may sariling utak ang mga braso ko na yumakap kay Carrack. I carefully wrapped my arms on him then I lay my head on his chest. 

His warmth soothed my wounded soul. It feels like I am home. I can't help but sob. 

"I'm sorry I was so stupid. I'm sorry I was a coward. I won't be like that again. Please take me back. I love you, Carrack. If you want, I can tell everyone that we're together. Wala na akong pakielam sa kanila."

This is so pitiful. But I can't help but beg him. 

"You keep on telling me that you love me, but what is your way of showing your love? You denied me in front of people. Pinagmukha mo akong tanga, Hannah." His voice was calm. 

I'd rather have him chide me in an angry manner than being this calm. It's like he already got over his anger and he doesn't care anymore. He moved on.