EPIPHANY

Dum Spiro, Spero

While I breath, I hope

HANNAH

"You look so beautiful, hija," an elegant woman said with a curt smile on her face. She's one of my mother's amiga. 

'Not as beautiful as you, Madam' is what I should be saying but I chose to force myself to smile at her then bowed my head. I nervously fidgeted with the skirt of my gown and wished for all of these to be finally over. I want the comfort of my room. I want to be alone in the confinement of my own space. I am feeling suffocated with all these people around me.

I shut my eyes tightly and tried to take deep breaths to calm myself. I shouldn't be having anxiety attacks. I now have control of myself, my emotions.

Right. This is normal. It is normal that I am feeling suffocated. I've been alone for more than four years. Feeling scared around people is normal. I shouldn't worry because I am still normal.

But the people... Do they think that I am normal? 

I tried to lift my head to check on the reaction of the woman trying to talk to me. I saw how she grimaced. She's having an expression that gave out her judgement of me. She thinks that I shouldn't be here. She thinks that I am disgusting.

I looked around me. There are people whispering to each other while giving me ridiculous looks. They're talking ill of me. I am sure. Some were bold enough to shamelessly showed how disgusted they're of my existence.

My mouth parted. I can feel my heart constricting. It felt like air has been sucked out from my lungs. The walls are closing in. 

I don't want to stay here. They will hurt me.

No, Hannah! It's all in your head. It's your anxiety speaking. Wake up!

My hands balled into fists. I can't breath. Someone said something, but I can't understand. It was as if it came from a distance. The music and chattering around me sounded like buzz and rings which irritates my ears.

I am almost losing my consciousness and was about to scream when a hand on my shoulder made me jump.

"Are you alright, hija?"

"E-Excuse me," I said then I hurriedly walked out of the function room. Mom tried to call me but I didn't mind her. I continued walking away from this hell hole.

I want my peace.

"Hannah," Mom caught my hand.

"I need some air. Please!" I said in a firm tone then I snatched my hand from her.

I caught a glimpse of the people around me... who doesn't give a damn about me.

It was really just on my mind.

I reached the garden of the hotel. I took deep breaths and desperately tried to calm myself.

I am the only one who can help myself. I am the one who has control over my mind.

It took me a while before I noticed the vibrations on my purse. I fished for my phone and saw that my brother is calling.

"Kuya," I answered his call.

"Hey, Han. Where are you?" Kuya gently asked.

I smiled. His gentle voice was enough for my tears to freely fall on my cheeks. Kuya Frigate is always my comfort zone.

"N-Nasa garden, Kuya," my voice shook.

"Mom called me. Sinabihan ko s'ya na h'wag ka na munang kulitin," Kuya gently explained. "Do you want me to pick you up?"