EPIPHANY

Astra Inclinant, Sed non Obligant (Part 2)

The stars incline us, they do not bind us.

"I almost gave myself to him," Hannah's voice shook by the end of her statement. 

"S-Stop..." I said as I pushed Clint away. "I'm sorry but I can't do this." Nagmamadaling inayos ko ang sarili ko at saka tumakbo palabas ng hotel room. Nadapa pa ako nang malapit na ako sa elevator. 

I cried as hard as I can. Hindi dahil masakit ang pagkakadapa ko, kundi dahil sa nagawa ko sa sarili ko. 

Para akong nabuhusan ng malamig na tubig at nawala ang kalasingan ko. Nahihindik ako sa isipin na kamuntikan ko nang ibigay ang sarili ko sa lalaking gusto ko pero ni hindi ko man lang kasintahan. 

So, stupid, Hannah!

Since that night, iniwasan ko na ang pagsama kay Stella. I focused more on my studies and making good friends. 

I met Leah on that night. She saw me while I was crying in front of the elevator. She's the one who helped me. Iniuwi n'ya rin ako sa bahay. I tried to find her the next day  to thank her and luckily, she's working on that hotel kaya nakita ko agad s'ya. We became friends at mas pinipili ko na na s'ya ang kasama kaysa kay Stella. 

A year went by after that incident. Iniwasan ko na ang night life at mas tinuon na lang ang sarili ko sa pag-aaral. 

Summer of that school year, Leah asked me to accompany her on a trip. It was on Sagada. Dahil minsan lang magyaya si Leah ay sinamahan ko na s'ya. I practically begged my mother to let me go on that vacation. 

We met up with Leah's boyfriend on Baguio. Dustin is his name and he's not the type of guy I was expecting to be my friend's boyfriend. Leah is from a simple family. She's working as a receptionist on a hotel. She's a simple woman with an active and lively personality. I am just one of her many friends but I see her as my closest friend. And her boyfriend trying to hit on me severed our friendship. 

Inaway ako ni Leah dahil nakikipag-break na si Dustin sa kanya dahil gusto raw akong ligawan. Unang kita ko pa lang kay Dustin, alam ko na na gan'on s'yang klaseng lalaki. He's a typical richman's son... arrogant and a playboy. 

I tried to explain to Leah that I am not interested with Dustin at wala naman akong ginawa para magkagusto sa akin ang boyfriend n'ya. Alam naman n'ya iyon dahil magkadikit naman kami buong trip. Panay ang advances ni Dustin sa akin pero itinataboy ko s'ya, hindi pinapansin, o 'di kaya'y sinusumbong kay Leah. 

It was heartbreaking to lose a friend for that petty reason. I am hoping that Leah will see that. 

"She's just insecure," Ciara, my cousin said. Bumisita sila ni Stella sa bahay namin at nakita nila akong umiiyak sa silid ko. I ended up telling them about what happened with Leah. 

Two months passed by and I think Leah's ready to talk to me. Nanghihinayang kasi ako sa friendship namin. Pinuntahan ko s'ya sa hotel kung saan s'ya nagta-trabaho at sinubukang kausapin. 

"Sinasayang mo lang ang oras mo, Hannah," nakairap na sabi ni Leah. 

I can feel my heart breaking from her cold treatment. I was about to leave her alone when a man stood beside me. Nasa counter ako ng reception ng hotel at mukhang mag-che-check in ang lalaki. 

Saglit na napahinto ako sa kilos ko dahil sa pagkakatitig ng lalaki sa akin. Iniisip ko kung kakilala ko ba s'ya pero hindi naman. Tipid na ngumiti na lang ako sa kanya at saka umalis na.