The day had started off on a pretty bad note. It was raining, the ER was full to capacity, and I was the only on-call neurosurgeon because Derek had been in surgery all night and well into the morning before finally going home.
That, of course, meant that morning was busy from the get-go. It seemed like every single person in Washington needed surgery, which meant I'd spent my entire morning doing back to back surgeries. I'd barely seen Arizona all day
I was tired and cranky and irritated that the sun was so far away.
When lunch rolled around was when I finally saw her; the sun that broke through all the clouds. She had her hair pinned up out of her eyes, as she sat with an untouched sandwich in front of her.
Despite the fact that I'd spent the last six hours standing over a brain, she looked worse off than I was, which set all kinds of alarms off in my mind.
Her eyes were clouded over, a troubled look settled deep within them. As she sat and stared at the table, biting her thumb nail nervously, I worried about what could've happened to put her in such a state.
"What's up buttercup?" I ask, sitting next to her with a smile "you don't look like you're feeling all that well; is everything okay love?" As stupid as it sounded, her vibes were off. She wasn't herself, and I was beginning to worry.
"It's weird how well you know me" she murmurs, looking up into my eyes. "You just pick up on my emotions" she tilted her head to the side in curiosity, and studied my face for a moment before I spoke.
"Because all I want is for you to be happy. I can tell right now that something is bothering you, and if you want to talk about it you know you can" I answer, just wanting to help her feel a sense of normalcy again in her current state.
It's silent for a moment, neither of us make a move to speak, until she takes in a breath and nods.
"Remember the little girl" She starts, staring off into the distance, her voice empty as she gathered her thoughts "she's three, Sylvie, She's got cancer, she's terminal" she pauses, and I nod, remembering several nights prior when she'd been paged because of Sylvie's worsening condition.
"Her father wants me to operate, but I don't think it'll help" she continues, her voice monotone. I knew it devastated her each and every time she couldn't save a child. She'd told me about it before, about the guilt and the sadness.
"I'm so sorry" I murmur, moving to hold her hand in my own "I know it's part of the job, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt"
I felt her hand tighten its grip on my own, and I felt a bit of relief knowing that she felt safe enough to tell me what was on her mind.
"I wish I could save her, Amelia, I do" Arizona said, her voice breaking a little as she paused to take a breath "but she's not going to live much longer. She's not a surgical case anymore, I have to move on and stop thinking about it but I can't. Her poor Father is devastated"
It took a lot for Arizona to break down like this over a patient. She usually managed to keep her emotions under wraps at work.
"Hey, look at me" I took both of her hands and looked at her seriously "you did everything you could. And that's the job. You didn't fail her; if anything, you're going above and beyond to care this much. Because of you, this little girl now has one more person who will remember her as a little ray of sunshine, which may not sound like a lot, but it's a lot when you're three"
She thought for a moment, as my eyes just looked into hers, lost in how much I enjoyed admiring how blue her eyes really were.
"Thank you, Amelia" she smiles, really smiles. "I appreciate that. I appreciate you. Thank you"
"Of course. I always speak my truth" I grin, winking back at her for good measure. It was then, as I felt such pride in being able to make her smile, that I realized when you love someone, nothing feels better than being able to make them happy.
Watching her smile at me, me of all people, despite how upset she currently was, it was the best feeling in the world. I wanted that feeling every single chance I could get it because I was nothing but greedy when it came to seeing her light up.
Her happiness, so it seemed, was my new drug.
~
Later on in the day, about an hour before quitting time, I saw her again. She was, of course, still devastated, but she'd managed to get Sylvie into one of the best rooms with the best oncologist the hospital has.
Which, of course, was only minor but it fed the feeling that she was doing something.
"I wish I could do more" she sighed, her eyes casting downwards to stare at the floor with a troubled look on her face.
"You're doing everything you can humanly do for her. I promise" I reassure her, as many times as it takes, I reassure her.
She'd do the same for me.
She nods, and leans her head on my shoulder with a sigh.
"Thank you, Ames" she says, for what has to be the millionth time. It saddened me to think that she felt the need to constantly apologize to me about how she was feeling.
"You don't have to be sorry; you're human, Zo" I smile, kissing the top of her head lovingly. "You're gonna be okay, and even if you aren't, that's okay too. I'm here for it all"
For the first time ever, I was in a relationship for the long haul. Completely committed, even the laws of gravity couldn't move me from where I stood. Always with her.
In fact, I was standing there on the catwalk with her when people began to scream and run. We were towards the end, and everyone was running, but we didn't know why.
I looked to her, both of our eyes wide as we looked around for the cause of all the commotion.
And then I saw him. A man in his early thirties, probably the same age as I was, wearing jeans and a leather jacket. He stalked towards us angrily, and that's when I noticed it.
He was holding a gun.
"That's Mr. Maxwell" Arizona murmured, her eyes wide with terror and shock as she too saw the gun in his grip.
My heart stopped in my chest, as people around me all ran, I knew he wouldn't let her go. If she ran, he'd shoot her.
"Mr. Maxwell" Arizona says, her voice calm and collected as she turned her attention to him. I could see the fear in her eyes, I could see her heart beating viciously in her chest. As I looked at her, I prayed to whatever God was up there that someone had called the police.
"You're letting her die" he yells back angrily, waving the gun in the air maniacally "you're not going to do anything, and she's going to die. Why won't you help her?" He's begging, and as fucked up as it is, I can feel my heart break a little bit for him.
"If I could help Sylvie I would" Arizona pleads "she's an amazing little girl; if you think for a second that I didn't do absolutely everything in my power to save her, you're wrong" Arizona says, still as calm as she could possibly be in this situation.
"I don't believe you!" He screams, throwing his hands up in the air once again. "You're lying! She can't die! You're killing her!" It was clear at this point that he was completely insane; no matter what we said, he was going to start shooting, and he was going to do it soon.
"Mr. Maxwell, what would I gain from lying to you?" She reasons, trying to really make him think about what he was doing "I have nothing to gain if Sylvie doesn't make it" as harsh as it sounded, it was true. Arizona made the same salary each year, wether the worse off children live or not.
"She's going to make it!" He screams, veins popping in his forehead "she is going to be okay! She is my daughter, I'm supposed to protect her!"
And in that moment, I swear time stood still for a moment. He raised his gun, aiming to shoot her, and I panicked. Instincts took over me, because he was aiming right at her chest, and I knew he was intending to kill her.
"No!" I screamed, jumping in front of her, pushing her out of the way the exact second before he pulled the trigger. My arms shoved her roughly out of the way at the very last possible moment; it was a miracle I'd made it on time.
I heard her body hit the ground, then I heard the gunshot, and I immediately thought he'd shot her. I thought I wasn't quick enough, he'd gotten her before I could.
I suppose the adrenaline was keeping me from completely feeling it, but when I looked up and saw her, all in one piece and seemingly okay, I realized he hadn't shot her, and I could've sighed in relief.
Except when I went to sigh, and I realized the right side of my chest was on fire. The worst pain I'd ever felt hands down.
That's when I realized he'd shot me instead.