45 – Coward
Daniel stayed with me throughout the night in the hospital. Kahit na sinabi na sa aking na sa maayos na kalagayan na si Ayden ngayon ay hindi pa rin ako mapakali. I know he's doing okay, I just can't help but to worry. Pakiramdam ko ay dapat naroroon ako at binabantayan siya. Ngunit alam ko ring hindi ako papayagan ni Daniel ano mang pilit ko.
I nodded at him when he told me I have a visitor. Agad akong nagulat nang malaman kong bumisita siya sa akin. I didn't want to accept her but Daniel convinced me.
"H-hi, Asia.."
Huminga ako nang malalim saka iniayos ang upo ko sa kama. I glanced at her and continued fixing my blanket. Hindi pa rin tinatanggal ang IV sa akin.
"What are you doing here, Danica?"
Hinila niya ang isang upuan saka ngumiti. I frowned at her behavior. Is she here because she pity me? 'Cause I don't need it.
"Ah..I just wanted to visit you.." kinagat niya ang labi niya. "I b-brought fruits!"
I simply nodded. "Salamat."
Inilapag niya ang basket ng prutas sa bedside. I raised my brows when she smiled at me again. Ilang buwan na rin ang nakalipas simula nang huli kaming magkitang dalawa. I believe it was on that resort before I got married if I am not mistaken.
"I'm sorry about what happened.." she looked down.
I shrugged and rested my back. What does she want? Nagpapaawa ba ito?
"I'm still alive. Nothing to be sorry about."
Tumango siya saka ngumiti ulit. A dead silence surrounded us. Bumuntong-hininga ako at binasag iyon. I want to rest. Kung wala na siyang siyang ibang pakay pa ay maaari na siyang umalis.
"Diretsahin mo na nga ako.." I directly said. "Bakit ka naririto?"
"Asia, I.." she inhaled a deep breath. "I want to apologize to you."
Nagsimulang humampas ang dibdib ko. Apology? Siya, hihingi ng tawad? Is she sick or dying?
"For what?"
"Ayden and I.. That night.."
Nawala ang gitla sa noo ko nang sabihin niya iyon. I looked away. That memory left a deep scar in me. I don't know if I am ready to talk about it with her.
I saw her started tearing up. Kumirot ang puso ko sa naging emosyon niya.
"Some of his friends called him that night, and I was friends with them so I k-knew.." she sniffed. "I was in love with him, I wanted to take the chance.."
I clenched my jaw and looked down when my tears started forming too. When will it stop hurting? When will I forget that stupid night?
"So you kissed him while he's drunk." Walang buhay kong sabi.
Umiling siya. "He wasn't drunk."
A lone tear fell from my eye. Hindi siya lasing? Ibig sabihin ang pangalawang halik ay ginawa niya nang na sa katinuan? He wanted it?
"So he did.." I gulped out of pain. "Voluntarily kissed you."
"N-no.."
Another set of tears fall from her eyes. Her eyes looked weary. It was very guilty and ashamed. I feel like she's scared to tell the truth but she's forcing it.
"I drugged him.." agad niyang sabi.
My lips parted. "You did what?"
"He wasn't drinking that night because he was waiting for your text. And I gave him a water w-with a drug in it.."
Isa pang luha ang tumulo mula sa mga mata ko. Is s-she telling the truth? He was drugged that night?
"It was my chance to be with him.." she cried. "I got his p-phone and texted you. I kissed him when I saw you there."
Sunod-sunod na nagsipatak ang mga luha ko nang maalala ko ang halik na nakita ko ng gabing iyon. I was so hurt. I can't even imagine how much pain I went through because he broke my trust.
"Kahit na pareho na ang buhok natin noon, hindi pa rin siya naniwalang ako si Anastasia.. He k-kissed me when he saw your necklace on my neck.."
Mahigpit kong hinawakan ang kumot. My necklace.. It was there with her. Iyon ang iniregalo sa akin ni Ayden.
"Pero lumayo pa rin siya.." she wiped her tears. "Kasi hindi raw labi mo ang hinalikan niya.."
What she said pierced my heart. W-was that the time when I walked out? Dahil hindi ko na nakita ang paglayo niya.
"I was so in love with him. Hindi ko inisip ang mga bagay na magagawa ko para magustuhan niya a-ako.."
Her eyes were sorrowful. I remembered Mathias again. Ang mga bagay na kayang gawin ng mga nagmamahal para sa minamahal nila ay talaga namang nakakatakot. Nakakatakot ang taglay na lakas ng pag-ibig.
"I brought him to my unit that night. Nothing h-happened. He was too weak to move."
Parang nabunutan ng tinik ang dibdib ko saka ngumiti. I wiped my tears away. Ayden didn't cheat on me. He didn't.
"I was beside him, but he keeps on calling out your name.."
I nodded and cried harder. What happened to us? Where did my anger took me? How far did my pride run for me?
"That's when I knew it won't work. That's when I realized that he is too in love with you to even look at other girls."
I looked at Danica with tears in her eyes. I smiled and wiped my cheeks. Alam kong matagal na, pero nagpapasalamat pa rin akong sinabi niya ang totoo. Dahil si Ayden, hindi ko alam kung may balak pa siyang magsalita nang gabing iyon.
"And I ruined everything for the b-both of you.."
"Bakit ngayon mo sinasabi ang lahat ng ito? Hindi mo ba naisip na baka huli ka na?"
"I hope I'm not.." she sadly smiled. "I felt a love that I know I don't deserve. Someone saw the good in me. He cherished and took care of me even with all of my dark sides."
Umawang ang labi ko. Danica is in love with someone else now?
I am happy that she is now with her right love. Ang pagmamahal niya kay Ayden ay mali, ngunit ngayon ay natagpuan na niya ang para sa kaniya.
I can't help but to remember Mathias again. I love him. I trusted him. Kung sana ay nahanap niya ang tamang pagmamahal na para sa kaniya.
"I can't accept that love knowing I've hurt someone else.. That will h-haunt me for the rest of my life.."
Tumango ako at ngumiti. Kahit nasabi niya na ang lahat, I still need to know something.
"Can I ask you a question?"
She immediately nodded at me and wiped her wet cheeks. She sniffed and put a roll of tissue on my bed.
"How was my necklace on your neck that night?"
How did she get it? I am not mad about it anymore but I am still confused. When and how did she get it?
"Ayden.." she frowned. "Didn't t-tell you?"
I shook my head. Ayden never said a word about that night. Isa iyon sa mga bagay na hindi ko maintindihan.
"No.. He never said a word."
"It was your mother. She gave it to me. The drug was her idea. I f-followed her because I was in love with Ayden.."
What she said immediately broke my heart. Sunod-sunod na luha ang dumaloy mula sa mga mata ko.
It was mom? How can she do this?
She opened her purse and took out a cloth. Nakangiti niyang iniabot sa akin ang telang iyon. It was surprisingly heavy for a cloth. Humampas nang malakas ang dibdib ko nang makapang may laman iyon.
I shed a tear when I saw a heart-shaped shinning diamond. It was my necklace when I was eighteen. I didn't know that I will see and hold this again after four years.
"Anyway. Please don't get mad at him for letting me in his office. Kinausap ko lang naman para humingi ng tawad sa lahat.." she silently chuckled.
I rolled my eyes. "With lunch?"
She laughed and shook her head. Huling beses kong pinunasan ang pisngi kong basa ng mga luha. Tumayo siya saka muling binuksan ang purse. She took out a navy blue envelope and handed it to me.
Nang maiabot ang invitation ay hindi nagtagal at nagpaalam na rin siya. I can't help but to tear up again as I look at my necklace. This holds so much memories. I am so happy it is now with me again.
Hinawakan kong mabuti ang telang iyon nang muling magbukas ang pinto. Agad na nawala ang kasiyahan ko nang makitang si daddy ang sumilip.
"Anastasia, hija.. Your mom is still waiting outside. Puwede ko na ba siyang papasukin?"
"No." Mariin kong sabi. "Have a seat, dad. I need to talk to you."
I saw him gulped hard. He cleared his throat and nodded at me. Tahimik siyang pumasok sa kuwarto at ini-lock ang pinto. He pulled a chair ang sat beside me. I didn't look at him. Mukha siyang kinakabahan at parang alam na ang gusto kong sabihin.
"Is Joanna your eldest daughter?" Malamig kong tanong.
He cut me off. "Anastasia.."
"I thought I was an only child."
Isang mapait na tawa ang pinakawalan ko. I am hurting to talk about this. I feel so much pain for her. She never deserved any of those treatment.
"Why didn't you treat her as your daughter, dad?"
I tried to make my voice as calm as possible but my anger is raging inside me.
"You clearly know why I didn't."
"I clearly don't." Agad kong sagot.
"Anastasia, your mom doesn't want me to! Malaking kahihiyan kung malalamang mayroon akong anak sa labas!"
Ayden suffered so much because of the rumors that he is not a Valdemar! He wasn't known! He was separate! His brothers experienced everything he always deserved! Pero hindi iyon nangyari dahil inihiwalay siya! Paano pa kaya ang naramdaman ni Joanna? Paano pa kaya kung pinagsisilbihan mo bilang katulong ang pamilya ng ama mong dapat ay pamilya mo rin?
"Paano niyo nasasabi iyan? Hanggang ngayon ba, reputasyon pa rin ang mahalaga sa pamilyang ito?!"
His eyes widened when I raised my voice. This is the first time I did this. I can't contain my madness anymore.
"Your eldest daughter suffered all her life because you are a coward! Ni hindi niyo kayang panindigan ang mga bagay na ginawa ninyo!"
"I did that to protect our family, Anastasia! To protect you! Hindi iyon pagiging duwag!"
Hindi ko na kinayang itago ang lumuluha kong mga mata. I held my necklace tightly as if I was getting my strength from it.
"But she is also your family! Anak niyo siya!"
"She was an accident!"
"She is your daughter! She is my sister!"
I cried so hard to release my agony. She is not an accident! There is no accident! Hindi aksidente ang pagkabuo ni Joanna at lalong-lalo nang hindi aksidente ang pagiging isa niyang duwag!
No wonder we didn't really got close. Galit ako sa mga duwag. Lalo na sa mga hindi kayang harapin ang kapalit ng ginawa nilang pagkakamali.
"You didn't do that to protect me. You did that to protect yourself."
I wiped my tears and asked him to leave the room. He was about to say something but he just nodded and left. I lay down the bed and cried more. Kahit anong gawin ko ay hindi ko magawang magalit sa kapatid ko. Kahit na kailan ay hindi niya kasalanang nabuhay siya. She wasn't an accident. She will never be one.
It was afternoon when Daniel told me that Ayden is already awake. Pakiramdam ko'y bawing-bawi ang lahat ng sakit na naramdaman ko sa buong umaga. I felt excited to see him but he wasn't transferred to his room yet so I can't see him.
"Hay! Salamat at pinapasok mo rin kami, Anastasia Elissa!"
Amethyst sighed and laid down on my bed. I rolled my eyes and jokingly kicked her. Akmang kukurutin niya ako nang panlakihan ko siya ng mata para ipaalala ang mga pasa ko. Umirap siya saka labag sa loob na tumayo.
Joaquin was smiling when he entered my room. I immediately opened my arms to hug him and Am. I know I made them worried. Sana lamang ay hindi sila galit sa akin na hindi ko sila pinapasok sa kuwarto ko ng isa't kalahating araw. They were in Faye's room the whole time. Mabuti na rin at kailangan ni Faye ng makakasama. She got shot.
"Sinong nagdala ng mga prutas?" Joaquin asked.
"Si Danica." I smiled.
"That dog again?!" Amethyst spatted. "Don't eat that, Asia! Baka may lason ang mga iyan!"
I chuckled. "We're okay, Am. Don't worry."
Hanggang magdilim ay nangungulit ako kay Daniel na dalhin na ako kay Ayden. He was really hesitant. Ang sabi niya ay pupunta kami kapag bumalik na siya ngunit hanggang ngayon ay wala pa rin siya. I even finished eating by myself!
Kahit na masakit pa ang katawan ko ay pinilit kong tumayo at umupo sa wheelchair. I helped myself to find his room. Binanggit ni Daniel sa akin ang room number kaya hindi na ako mahihirapang hanapin.
I felt giddy when I saw his room. Hirap man sa pagmamando ng gulong ay pilit kong binuksan ang pinto. Umangat ang kilay ko nang si Atlas ang naroroon. Ayden was laying down the bed with his IV on.
"H-hi.." I forced a smile.
Atlas stood up and chuckled. Dumiretso siya sa likod ko para itulak ang wheelchair. "Hey, ex fiancé."
I rolled my eyes to him. Itinigil niya ako sa tabi ng kama ni Ayden. He has a huge bandage on his arm. Kinabahan ako nang maisip kung sunog ba iyon. It would hurt so much if it's burnt.
Ayden glanced at me. I forced a smile even though I feel like crying again. Kailan ba ako titigil sa pag-iyak ngayong araw?
"Anastasia.." he whispered.
Nanginig ang labi ko. "Hi.."
He didn't cheat on me. He didn't voluntarily hurt me. Hindi niya alam ang ginawa niya nang gabing iyon. He was drugged but he still managed to identify that Danica is not me. He never cheated.
I held his hand. Agad kong pinunasan ang tumulo kong luha.
"D-dito na lang ako sa kuwarto mo." Agad kong sabi.
He chuckled and tired to hold my hand too. "There's only one bed, Asia."
"E 'di tabi tayo."
"Parehong na sa kanan ang dextrose."
Kinagat ko ang labi ko. Mahihirapan nga lang kami kung pipilitin kong magtabi kami.
"E 'di magpapalagay ako ng isa pang kama."
Mahina siyang tumawa. Binitiwan niya ang kamay ko saka hinawakan ang pisngi ko. He traced my jaw and lifted my chin.
"You want to be with me?"
I immediately nodded. He smiled and combed my hair using his fingers. I sniffed when I felt my tears coming again.
"Damn it." Atlas whispered and looked away.
"Atlas."
Agad siyang tumingin muli sa amin. "Yes, kuya?"
"Tell the nurses to transfer us both in a bigger room."
Lumawak ang ngiti ko sa sinabi niya. Daniel came rushing down to Ayden's room to find me but he was too late. Nang dumating siya ay nailipat na ako sa panibagong kuwarto. I laughed with the thought of him getting worried. Sana kasi ay sinamahan na niya ako kanina.
There were two beds in our room. Mayroong malaking salaming bintana kaya naman kita ang matataas na gusali. There were also a huge T.V. Kung hindi ako makakatulog ay manonood na lamang ako ng kahit anong movie.
"Are you fine now?"
Kumunot ang noo ko saka bumaling sa kaniya. Ako pa talaga ang tatanungin niya? Siya itong masyadong naapektuhan sa nangyari.
"I should be asking that to you.." I answered. "Are you fine now?"
He smiled and nodded at me. "Of course.. Are you?"
Marahan ang sumandal sa unan at tinignan siya nang matagal. Alam kong masakit pa rin ang katawan at mga sugat niya. Ang kaonting mga sunog nga sa katawan ko ay mahapdi pa hanggang ngayon, lalo na ang kanya at kung ano man ang malaking benda sa braso niya.
"Are you really, Ayden?" I asked.
"Maayos na ako, Anastasia.."
He still can't convince me. I know it hurts. Kung maayos na siya ay sana nakakakilos na siya at kahit papaano'y inaasar ako o 'di kaya'y pinagagalitan!
My eyes went to his chest. They removed the bullet successfully. Hindi ko nga lang naitanong kung malalim baon ng bala.
"Does it hurt?"
He shook his head. "No.."
I rolled my eyes. "It does! I know it does!"
"Why are you still asking, then?" He chuckled.
I knew I was right. Hindi ko maiwasang makonsensiya dahil nabaril siya. That bullet was meant for me. Sana ako ang nabaril, dapat sa akin ang balang iyon. Kung hindi niya iniharang ang sarili niya, sana ay hindi siya ang nahihirapan ngayon.
"You shouldn't have catch that bullet for me, Ayden.." I looked down.
"Why wouldn't I?"
"J-just not.." my voice broke. "Not worth it.."
"You are worth everything." Mariin niyang sabi.
A tear rolled down my cheeks. Agad kong pinunasan iyon. It hurts so much to see him in pain because of me. Because I know, deep in my heart, that I will never ever deserve it. I don't deserve him.
"Look at me.." he whispered.
I sniffed and looked at him. His eyes were full of determination and courage. He was so brave that night. He was willing to die for me. Ang sabi ko pa noon ay siya ang hindi ko dapat pagkatiwalaan dahil niloko niya ako, pero nagkamali ako. The only person I would trust my whole life with now is the person who is willing to die for me.
"Ilalaban kita ng patayan, Anastasia."
Another tear fell. If I were to catch a bullet for him, I would gladly do it. Gaya ng ginawa niya, iyon din naman ang gagawin ko kung bumaliktad ang posisyon namin. I would die for him.
"Ayden.." I smiled with tears on my eyes. "Mahal kita."
He looked stunned. Umawang ang labi niya kasabay ng pagkislap ng mga mata niya. He gulped and his cheeks started burning.
"Why are you saying that?"
I wiped my eyes. "I feel like I haven't said it enough."
I never said it to him. Simula nang maikasal kami ay hindi ko sinabi sa kaniyang mahal ko siya. It was all in my heart. I never said a word because I am scared that he might hurt me again. That he might find someone else like I wasn't enough for him.
"Did you have your tattoo removed?" He asked.
"No.."
We got that tattoo on my eighteenth birthday. It was the night he proposed to me. The night he gave the necklace to me.
May 18.
Á la folie.
"You sure?" He raised his brow.
"Gusto mong maghubad ako para makita mo?"
Kumunot ang noo niya saka umiwas ng tingin. I laughed and stared at him. He looks cute with red ears!
"Shut it.." he hissed. "We're in a hospital."
"So what?" I teased.
I lifted my hospital gown to remove it. I saw how his eyes widened with what I did. I wanted to laugh so bad at his reaction!
"Anastasia!"
Humalakhak ako saka ibinaba ang damit ko. Biro lang naman! I wasn't serious with it!
After eating dinner, the doctor checked us up. Maayos naman na raw kami pareho ngunit si Ayden ay kailangan pa ng mas mahabang oras ng pagpapagaling. We were left here in our room. Ang tanging narito lamang ay si Amethyst na pinayagan kong bumisita. I didn't let Daniel in because I know he isn't that cool with Ayden. Kapag naipaliwanag ko naman na ang nangyari ay magiging maayos din ang lahat. Siya at si Joaquin ay na sa kuwarto ni Faye ngayon.
"So, you're just going to watch movies the whole night?"
I sighed. "Kung hindi ako aantukin."
"Hmm. Okay.." she nodded. "Huwag mong lakasan ang volume. Your husband needs to rest."
I nodded and looked at her chips. Gusto kong humingi kaso lamang ay alam kong hindi niya ako bibigyan. All she tells me is to eat fruits as my snack.
"Do you have any recommendations? 'Di ba 'nextflix and chill' na ang vibe mo ngayon?" I asked and bit my apple.
Ayden is already closing his eyes but I know he isn't asleep. Nagpapahinga lamang dahil kailangan niyang bumawi ng lakas.
She shrugged. "Ask your cousin. Siya naman ang namimili ng panonoorin."
I frowned. "Magkasama kayo ni Daniel sa 'netflix and chill' mo?"
"Hindi, ah!" Agad niyang depensa. "Ibig kong sabihin, siya ang maraming recommendations sa akin!"
"Oh? Bakit nagagalit ka? I'm just asking! Masyadong mainit ang dugo mo kay Daniel."
I rolled my eyes and lay back. Nanatili si Amethyst na naghahanap ng magandang channel na panoorin. She lowered the volume when she saw Ayden with his eyes closed.
Nakatulog din naman ako ng gabing iyon. Hindi ko alam kung anong oras nang umalis si Amethyst. I don't know if she's home or at Faye's room.
Nauna akong nagising ng umaga kaya naman naisip kong maglakad-lakad na muna sa labas. I know mommy won't be here in this time. Masyadong maaga para sa pagbangon niya.
"Joanna's still in the hospital. Ignatius' men are there to guard her so no need to worry."
Hinilot ko ang sentido ko sa balita ni daddy. Alam kong matapos ang kailangang gawin ng ospital ay diretso na sa kulungan ang tungo niya. It hurts me so much but what can I do? Kailangan kong magrelease ng statement sa kung ano ang nangyari. It happened. I just can't deny it.
"How is she?"
He sighed and looked away. "Half of her face got burned. Nagpapagaling pa siya, Asia."
I held my chest to stop it from beating so hard, as if it can help. I glanced at Ayden and saw him listening to dad.
"Binisita ninyo ba siya?" I asked.
Agad siyang umiling. "No.. Hindi iyon magandang ideya."
"She needs someone now. Kahit papaano ay sana puntahan niyo." Mariin kong sabi.
Kumunot ang noo niya sa akin na para bang maling-mali ang sinabi ko. It's not wrong to visit your daughter, ano pa man ang masamang ginawa niya. Bisita lang naman ang gagawin.
"I can't. You want me to do that after she did this to you?"
"This is where her anger took her!"
I can't help but to raise my voice. Nangyari na ang lahat! Hindi pa rin ba niya kayang magpaka-tatay kay Joanna ngayon?
"At kasalanan niya iyon!"
"Hindi kayo naging ama sa kaniya!" I shouted.
I don't know when did I stopped crying after that fight. I can't imagine my sister being miserable alone in her hospital room. I want daddy to visit her, hug and apologize to her for what he did. But he doesn't want to do that. Sana manlang kahit na humingi lamang siya ng tawad ay magawa niya.
After staying in the hospital for four days, the doctor finally allowed us to go home. Ayaw ni Ayden na umuwi kami sa bahay namin dahil nag-aalala siyang delikado so we went to their mansion instead. Nang makarating kami ay maraming tauhan ang nag-aabang sa amin. Almost all of them were armed. Wala yatang sulok ng labas ng bahay ang walang bantay. The mansion is heavily guarded. Imposibleng mapasok pa ito kung mayroon mang magtatangka pa.
"Oh my goodness! My son!"
Tita Alondra embraced Ayden with tears on her eyes. Matapos iyon ay ako naman ang niyakap niya.
I suddenly remembered mom. Talagang hindi ko siya kinausap kahit gusto niyang pasukin ang kuwarto ko. Tito Ignatius' men were ordered to only listen to me. She manipulated everything and everyone in the past. From daddy to Joanna to Danica to Ayden to me. Lahat para lang sa iniingatan niyang pangalan.
Ipinasok ng mga katulong ang gamit namin sa isang malaking kuwarto. I assume that this is Ayden's room. Sa mga gamit pa lang ay alam ko nang kaniya ito dahil gaya ng estilo ng condo niya.
He still weak compared to me. Magaling na halos ang mga galos ko ngunit ang kaniya ay hindi pa, lalo na ang dibdib niya. He still has bandages on his chest.
"You should rest now, Ayden. Baka mabinat ka pa."
I removed the comforter to help him lay down. His touch was heavy, a sign that he's still struggling to move. Mayroon namang family doctor ang mga Valdemar kaya't iyon ang titingin sa sugat niya.
"Tabihan mo na ako.." he answered. "Matulog na tayo."
Sa hindi ko malamang kadahilanan ay nagwala na naman ang dibdib ko. I gulped hard and nodded. Bakit ang dilim sa kuwarto na ito? We always sleep with the lights on because I am not used to sleeping in the dark.
"Buksan natin ang ilaw?" Nag-aalangan kong tanong.
He smiled, teasing. "You prefer lights on?"
Kumunot ang noo ko kasabay ng lalong pagwawala ng dibdib ko. W-what is he talking about?
"L-lights on saan?"
He chuckled. "E 'di sa pagtulog. Ano bang iniisip mo?"
Uminit ang pisngi ko saka umiwas ng tingin. Ano ba naman ito? Am I thinking of something?
"Lights off na nga lang!"
Nagdadabog akong pumwesto sa kabilang panig ng kama. Tinalikuran ko siya dahil sa sobrang pagpula ng pisngi ko.
Is this a sexual topic?! Because I feel like it is! Ito ang laging tinatanong ni Amethyst tuwing umiinom siya at nang-aasar!
"Hmm. Off?" His voice sounded playful. "I prefer it with the lights on."
It? What does he mean by 'it'?! Kumunot ang noo ko saka inis na binalingan siya. He was smiling wide. I hissed at him.
"Sa pagtulog.." agad niyang bawi.
This man is waking something in me and I don't even know what it is. Damn it.