"Derek's dead" was the first thing I said when I saw her. I was outside of Derek and Meredith's dream house, Meredith and the kids were missing, and I didn't know what to do.
She'd approached me from seemingly out of nowhere; though, I was too caught up with my own thoughts to really notice anything else.
"I know" she says, nodding her head solemnly "are you alright, Amelia?" Of course she stopped by to check on me; I was a nutcase. I couldn't be left alone; everybody worried about me going postal.
But they weren't wrong. Not exactly.
"Not really" I chuckle darkly "I've got coke on the kitchen table, I bought an 8 ball, because the addict in me couldn't resist" I say bitterly "and I'm dying inside, he's dead and I don't know how to function in a world without him, and I want to make it all just go away" I confess, breaking down into sobs.
"Oh Amelia" she says, opening her arms and pulling me in; she rubbed my back and played with my hair as I cried into her shoulder, feeling like a piece of me had died along with Derek.
"You're going to be okay, darling. Pretty things don't break easily" she tells me, her steady heartbeat and the rhythm of her breathing calming me down.
"I don't know what to do" I whisper, and she sighs sadly.
"I know baby, I know" and while I wouldn't normally accept being called 'baby' by anybody, when she said it I didn't mind. It was comforting; she was comforting.
"The universe sucks" I murmur, not wanting to break away from her embrace quite yet "life's a bitch".
"Life does suck" she agrees "but you know what would make the world a little brighter?" She asks, positivity in her voice as she attempted to cheer me up.
"What?" I sniff in response.
"Flushing all that coke down the toilet. Won't that make the world just a little bit better?" She asks, and I sigh.
"No" I reply, the thought of flushing the drugs making me cringe. Even though I didn't want to snort it, I was still an addict, and watching that much coke go down the drain was painful.
"Yes" Arizona declares "come on angel, we'll go do that. And then we can sit and watch a movie, how's that sound?" She's babying me, but I don't mind.
"Yeah, okay" I say hesitantly, pulling away from our hug to head inside. Never in my life would I have predicted that this would end with me flushing an 8 ball down the toilet.
"That's the spirit" she smiles, and I feel a surge of pride. Her smile was gorgeous, and I liked seeing it, especially when I was the one who put it there.
When we got inside, she immediately saw the bag on the table and picked it up.
"I've never seen coke in person before; this doesn't look like a whole lot" she muses, walking to the bathroom, as I follow behind her.
"Well it's enough" I shrug, standing next to her in front of the toilet. "I normally go for oxy, but I couldn't get any on short notice" I explain, knowing that if I had of used my own prescription pad, I would've gotten fired regardless of if I took them or not.
"Any last words?" She asks, opening the baggie, getting ready to upend it into the abyss.
"I mean, this sucks, but it's good. It's a good kinda sucks" I explain "just dump it" I sigh, not wanting to keep looking at it.
"Goodbye, drugs. See you on the flip side" Arizona says, dumping the contents of the baggie and flushing the toilet, before taking the baggie and rinsing it out in the sink before throwing it in the trash.
Of course, she made sure to wash her hands afterwards.
"There. Doesn't that make you feel better?" She asks, and I shrug.
"I mean, I'm glad it's gone. But my life still sucks"
She sighs, and looks at me with a small smile on her pretty little face. "That's okay. Life does suck; but at least you know that when it does suck, you're sober. Which means when things get good, you'll appreciate them even more. Every single thing"
And she's right; feeling the horrible feelings without the veil of drugs or alcohol made me realize just how much love I had to give. I'm not a horrible person; I know that, because instead of doing the drugs, I'd let her flush them.
And I didn't want to go and buy more.
"How did you get so smart?" I ask her, smiling slightly "you've got all this wisdom, like you already know how life plays out"
She shrugs, and reaches out to grab my hand.
"Maybe I've just decided how I want it to play out"
~
Later on in the evening, we'd ordered some pizza and built a nest of pillows on the couch to watch some TV.
It was weird being in the house without Meredith and Derek and the kids, but having Arizona as my company made it a lot more bearable. It felt less empty, and bit more like a home.
"So you and Callie are divorced" I state, taking a bite of my pizza "why do you think it's your fault?"
"Because I cheated on her" she says with a sigh "a couple of years ago. With some doctor named Lauren Boswell. Ever since then, Callie hasn't been able to trust me. And I mean, I don't blame her, but I also had to watch her be pregnant with Mark Sloan's child" she points out "he gave her something I couldn't, and he was perfect at all the baby stuff right off the bat" Sofia was six now, the same age as Zola, and currently spent three days of the week with Callie, two with Mark and Lexie, and two with Arizona.
"Do you think you cheated on her because you weren't happy with her?" I ask, feeling like Oprah and loving every second of it. "I mean, you said you love her, but you cheated on her. Explain that" I state, and she just looks at me.
"Well, I do love her" she starts, but then stops herself and thinks for a moment "but she isn't the love of my life. She isn't the person I want to wake up next to every morning for the rest of my life; I don't think, anyway. I don't know" she sighs, frustrated "it would be so much easier if I knew without a doubt that I wanted to be with her"
"Well, there's your answer" I say, shrugging "if you are hesitant about being with someone, then it means you don't really want to be with them, you're just holding onto them" I'd seen so many different therapists for my addiction, and so many had given me different words of wisdom that I liked to pass on to my friends in their times of need.
"Maybe you're right" she sighs "but if I had to pick out my toxic trait, it would be that"
"Holding onto people? Or cheating on people?" I ask, unclear, and she rolls her eyes.
"I'm a chronic cheater" she groans, leaning back into the couch "I hate myself. It's like I can't commit to anybody, even my own damn wife. Well, ex wife" she remembers, and I snort.
"Maybe you're just a whore, Zo. Don't deny it" I say, the nickname slipping out randomly, but fitting her perfectly. "But I mean, if that's your vice, so be it. I'm a recovering addict, I've got no room to judge" I laugh, putting my hands up in defence.
Really, I didn't see her as a chronic cheater. She made a mistake, but mistakes often lead to discovery, and this discovery was that she wasn't in love with her wife anymore.
Shit happens, and sometimes you wanna do a line, my mistake was actually doing the line. That led me to the discovery that I have a very addictive personality, and I do not mesh well with drugs or alcohol.
She was no worse than me, I couldn't judge her.
"Every Rose has its thorn" she shrugs nonchalantly, as if it's no big deal "I couldn't stay faithful to my wife, you couldn't stay faithful to drug awareness programs. We both fucked up"
I nod in agreement, noticing how nice it was to just sit and talk to her.
"You know, it's nice. Talking to you like this; we've never done this before" I point out, smiling as I wrapped a fuzzy blanket around my shoulders. She made me feel calm, despite the chaos, she was my calm in this storm.
It were as if two puzzle pieces had clicked together; we were so compatible, it shocked me.
"Yeah, it is nice. I don't have a lot of close friends" she says, and I nod in agreement.
"Me either. Even Meredith hates me" I tack on, knowing that Meredith was not my biggest fan.
Derek really hadn't been either, not for a while.
"Well, you've got me" she smiles, her dimples making themselves prominent as she looked at me with wonder in her eyes.
"And you've got me"