"Match all the moods to the color of your nails. There's not much I can do, you're the wind beneath my sails," for the second time this month I was on my bed with my guitar. I made it home last night, the whole time I was driving I was thinking about Harry and Nicole. Together. I fell asleep with tears in my eyes, but I woke up with a song in my head and I just had to get it down.
"Sugar rush, you're so sweet I've been losing all my teeth. Curly boy, eyes so green, you're the sound when angels sing." It was silly but it didn't matter, I knew every song or anything I wrote about from now on would remind me of him. There will be a piece of him in everything I do.
"Bakery Boy, oh I adore you. Just how you are never conform you. Baby honey you're so golden you see. Never knew one, quite like our harry. Life without him'd be awfully scary. He's a vision rolled up in a daydream. And oooo, I'll never find another like you. And oooo, the world and I, we don't deserve to." I put my guitar down and threw my head back with a sigh. I didn't know what I was going to do next but I knew I needed to get out of this hole. It wasn't something I wanted to be in and as much as my head led me to think otherwise, I deserved to be out of the dark. My body shot up to the sound of knocking on my door.
"Yeah?" I said. The silver door handle began to lightly turn as a small face peaked in.
"Hey babe, how did you sleep?" I asked her, seeing the light shining from her eyes.
"Great! How did you sleep?" Gabby began to walk closer to me rubbing her eye with a balled up fist. A folded piece of paper present between her clinched little fingers.
"Okay," I lied. "What do you have there?" I asked her, pointing to her hand. And she began to giggle.
"I went and saw Uncle Harry last night for my birthday!" She said, excitedly to me, as if I didn't know, which caused me to chuckle.
"I know love, and how was it?" I was excited to hear everything from her point of view.
"Harry gave me something," she said and my eyes went wide.
"Oh he did? And what is it?"
"A letter," she said, wagging her eyebrows up and down. This wasn't something I noticed last night, so when did he give her a... letter?
"Really?" That must have been the piece of paper in her hand.
"Yes," she said. She brought her hand towards me, unclenching the paper. "For you." I looked down on the letter and as it started to lightly unfold from the release of pressure, I could just make out my name written on the front. Dakota Jade.
"Harry gave you this?" I asked her, while I stared at the letter in her hand. Afraid to even touch it. She nodded her little head up and down. I gently moved my hand forward grabbing just the edges of the letter with my thumb and pointer finger. "And daddy told me when I gave it to you to leave, so bye." She said running towards the door.
"Wait, don't-" I started but she was already gone. I didn't want to read this letter, let alone read it by myself. What could it possibly say? I was terrified to find out. I honestly had no idea. I swallowed down the bile that was threatening to come up. I wasn't sure what was wrong lately but I had been losing my stomach contents a lot more than normal. I just decided I wouldn't worry about it and I would just chalk it up to nerves and anxiety. I lightly grabbed the corners of the paper and began to unfold it. I got it fully open and my eyes widened in shock. I wasn't sure what I was expecting but this wasn't it.
"My Sunflower," I read out loud. My mouth moved up into a curve as I continued to read. I knew he was my home but everything in his letter made me realize, I was his too. I continued to read the letter from the man I love and it just made me realize how wrong I was. As much as I wanted to believe he had moved on, neither of us were being granted that luxury. He was right, our souls were meant to be together. As much as I knew he was right a small part felt like I was still not allowed to have him. I wanted that part of me to just shut up. But I couldn't shut it off. He says I am his place to go, and all I wanted was to go to him. But I knew I couldn't. I couldn't drag him down with my past. I didn't understand why he loved me. How could he. I didn't love me. He was wrong. I wasn't strong enough to push through it. It constantly sat front and center in my mind.
"But what I want and what you need are two different things. You got living to do. All you have ever known is your small town until some stranger scooped you up and hauled you away with him," I continued to read. I was glad he hauled me away. He got me out of my box of self pity. He showed me there was more out there then I have ever known. It wasn't just growing up, getting married, having kids, and living in this small town until I died of boredom. My mission started with Gabby, it moved to getting me out, and Harry did that, even if I couldn't handle it, he got me out and let me finally feel like I was home. Like I had somewhere to go.
"That was strange. I'm sorry if that was weird. We barely knew each other, but it was like from the moment I saw you I knew that you were meant to be in my life one way or another. If not as a couple then as best friends." I didn't want to be just friends with him. I wanted all or nothing. And all was something I knew I couldn't have. We were both sad, but even through his pain all he wanted me to do was live. But I didn't know how to do that without him.
"You know what you want to be doing. You know what your dream is. You want to travel, you want to see the world, you want to make your presence known." He was wrong about what I wanted to be doing. My dream had changed. Sure I still wanted to see the world but now I knew what I really wanted was to see the world with him. I want him to show me all the places he has seen in his life. I want to share that with him.
"So do it. If not for yourself, for me, for my final goodbye, please live your dream." He knew me. He knew I wouldn't do anything for myself. I didn't deserve to have what I wanted. But I also didn't want this to be his final goodbye. And that, I knew that my dream was something, I had to have.
"It's time to leave your bedroom, leave your small town, leave the clouds that are keeping your blue skies grey. Get up." That was something he got right. I didn't want to read his final goodbye. I wanted to get up and go to the person who blew all of the grey clouds out of my sky, even when he didn't know what my grey clouds were. I wouldn't let him know and he deserved to know who he was loving. He needed to know why I wasn't worth loving.
"I want to be that person to hold all of your feelings." He didn't know what he was agreeing to. I had a lot of feelings and it was hard enough for me to hold them. "I am strong enough to carry the both of us. All of the baggage from the past and all of the beauty from our future." Tears began to fall from my eyes. Without even knowing the weight of what I was carrying, he wanted it all and he wanted a future. As much as I feared it, I wanted a future too.
"When you are sad I will do everything in my power to make you laugh and if I can't I will just hold you and kiss your head and rub little circles into your wrist." I longed for his strong fingers on my skin. I missed him so much. "I will do everything I can to make you feel as happy as you make me." I didn't know how I made him happy but he did, he made me so happy. He understood me. He knew how to love me like no one before him.
"I can also make you warm. I know that's what you loved about me most. All those cold nights holding you close so that you wouldn't shiver." As much as I did love his warmth, it was definitely not what I loved most about him. What I loved most was his heart. He cared for everyone. He made everyone feel special, especially the people he was closest to. Especially me. In a world where I never knew what that was like he made me feel like the only one around. Just him and I.
As I continued to read I could feel my face get red. Harry started talking about our first night on the bus. He admitted to catching me watching him undress. "I wanted you to come up to me while I stood there naked in front of you. I wanted you to kiss me. I wanted you to join me in the shower and I wanted to seal our fates. I wanted to be one with you forever." Little did he know, I wanted the same. I still wanted the same. And even though I kept telling myself I didn't deserve to be with him I knew that small part of me was the truly wrong one here. The tears were still falling from my eyes as I finished the letter.
"It is simple. I'm not going anywhere. You are stuck with me. You may not want me and you may keep me away from you but I will still be here waiting for the day you realize we were meant to be." I wanted him. I wanted him more than anything and as he said, he wasn't going anywhere. When I was scared he grabbed me and pulled me to him. Now it was my turn. I needed to push past the voice in my head that was keeping me trapped in this house and away from the one who, I didn't know why, but from the one who was my person.
"We may not know each other completely but I know what I am feeling is real. You have to believe that. Look at us." I did believe him. We didn't really know each other. That was mostly my fault. I didn't let him in like I should have, but he was right. What we were feeling was real. It was the one real thing in my life.
"I know you have fears, I do too but we can handle them. We have each other. That's all we need." It was all I needed. I knew enough was enough. I looked down on the last line, my eye catching at the last word. "All my love -Harrifer." Harrifer. I placed the letter down on my bed and used the backs of my hands to wipe the remaining tears, off of my face. I quickly stood up, running out of my room and flinging myself down the stairs, bursting through the door, not knocking and not waiting for anyone to answer.
"DJ?" My brother stood up from his couch, a look of worry on his face. "Are you okay?"
"I need a ride to the airport," I said trying to catch my breath as a smile grew on his face.
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The song at the beginning was written by @/aislinnd17 on tiktok. She amazingly agreed to let me use this beautiful song in my book. Please check her out. She writes some amazing songs about the boys and other things as well. Please go show her your support.