Coffee, coffee, coffee. Shower, shower, shower. Workout, workout, workout. Damn!!! Nothing's been working! What more...
He peered at his phone on the bed, then the door, back at the phone, then the door again. His mind kept whispering it, incessantly,
Pills, pills, pills.
The urge was surging and he snapped his eyes shut, ran his fingers through his scalp rapidly back and forth.
No! Not that!
But nothing's working! Nothing at all!
He needs to get his mind off things first. But every remedy seems futile.
Suicide, drugs, Amira.
Those were the three things he's battling to overcome.
Suicide will make him forget the other two but that's only if he dies. Amira's right, he'll surely be brought back to life. It's happened countless times before. How they do it remains unknown to him. But no matter where he goes to, what he does, stab himself, hang himself, overdose, intentional accident, drowning, and all the other one's he's never let to carry on, somehow, he's still brought back to life.
So that's a blank point.
And drugs, it'll also make him forget the other two, not entirely though, using it has a high possibility of ending up with an overdose, which is risking another stay in that stinking hospital with white walls and Amira's too persistent not even the drugs ward her off.
God! What have I gotten myself into?!
Amira? Amira'll make him forget everything he's sure. She'll make him at ease and free but that's the problem.
She being the solution is actually the problem because the solution is a problem in its own.
The solution's problem is that though the solution is genuine and accurate, having it isn't guaranteed forever.
That girl's the same one he abused and insulted, the same one he'd mistreated and misunderstood. All she wanted was a husband in him and all he saw was an Asiyah in her. He'd caused her so much pain and sorrow and she not doing the same to him was killing him.
She's being too good for a man like him and the guilt of what he'd done to her is swallowing him whole.
He didn't feel this way with Asiyah. Maybe because she's not a saint in herself and she had what she wanted from him, he gave her the option of alimony which she happily demanded for money. Perhaps paying that whooping sum to her made him feel a whole lot less indebted towards her.
But Amira doesn't want any of that. Not a single penny he owns attracts her. She came back for his welfare and is still here for that. After every atrocity he's carried on on her, to make her hate him, to make her leave, she's still there not to destroy but to help him.
Now that guilt is torturing. It's the same he felt when Mustafa died, no, maybe less, but it's overwhelming. The worse thing is he's getting attached to her. He's getting used to her being around. He's getting attracted to her.
Now how shameless is that?
After telling it to her face that nothing will ever happen between them. That he'll forever hate her. That she's nothing to him. How can he possibly man up and have her for himself? How can he keep her in his life? Forever? Will he even be man enough to look her in the eye?
Everyone he'd ever wronged goes away, either by dying or just going away but Amira's still here, reminding him of his ill-doings to her, constantly.
Has she forgiven him? Will she ever forgive him? Can they ever possibly work? Do they have a chance in each other's forever after?
Ya ilahi I can't do this!
He got his phone and dialed.
After waiting an excruciating minute, the call was picked on the second ring.
"Hey Jude, I'm running out... same amount, same place... no, now, I'll be waiting... okay."
He disconnected the call and hugged his knees to his chest. "No no no, I shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't."
Ya Salaam! Tears instantly welled up in his eyes and he shakily did the one thing he's been stopping himself from doing - called Amira.
She picked at the very first ring.
"Hey Ali, good morning."
He said nothing, wondering if he made the right decision by calling her. But he desperately wants to talk to her, desperately.
"Ali? Are you there?"
He quickly ended the call before he made a sound.
His fingers raked his head back and forth again.
"Stop it, stop it, please stop it." He kept chanting t BBo himself.
His phone rang again and when he glanced at the screen, he felt another desire wave through him cos he wants to talk, he wants someone to talk to, someone to make the thoughts go away but then he can't do it. He shouldn't do it. What'll she think of him if he does?
And he let the call end without picking up.
Taking the phone to put it on airplane, Khalil's call came in.
"Man where are_"
"Khalil can you come over?"
"What's up?"
"Just come over, to Jaji, fast please. I'm scared." His voice rasped and Khalil immediately ended the call.
Ya Allah end this. Take my life just anything to stop this.
* * *
The air conditioning did nothing to ease the sweat breaking out of his skin, his heart shaking like a dry leaf in the harmattan.
He drove in slowly, so unlike him, and parked before the front porch.
He stayed back, waiting to see her appear from the door but three minutes passed and nobody came.
He uttered a sigh of relief.
He unlocked the car and stepped out, inhaling the calm morning air, that coupled with his relieved nervousness let him relax, a bit, because he could bump into her any minute from now.
Or maybe she isn't home.
I pray so.
He only bobbed his head at Philip's greeting and took for the stairs.
Opening the door to his own house slowly, he's welcomed by the tantalizing atmosphere of incense and something delicious.
God, I'm acting like a thief in my own house!
He concluded she's in the kitchen and quietly headed upstairs, praying his assumption was true.
Fortunately he reached his room without meeting her.
But why's he even scared?!
Unknown to him, she heard his car drive in and saw him come in from her room.
He changed from his suit which he used at the office, donned a bathrobe and went in for a cold shower.
He stayed a little longer, feeling the chills seep in and calm his tense nerves. For a moment he wanted to stay much longer but he had much to do.
After shaving his beard which he didn't have much time to do earlier since he left Jaji that morning, he made wudu' and exited the bathroom.
He changed to a pair of beige slacks and a tee before saying a double unit naafil.
Disposing the sajjadah, he got his briefcase and brought out some files he needed to work on, afraid of stepping out for a cup of coffee lest collide with who he's been avoiding.
Maybe I should get a coffee maker for the room.
Because there's every possibility this will be going on for a long time.
Maybe not...
Just as he's booting the computer, there's a salaam at the door.
He's too numbed to answer, just stared at the slab hoping he locked it, or perhaps he could just pop off.
But none happened as in a second, he stood face to face with his most dreaded human.
Yikes! Why is he feeling this way?
She was covered in an ankle-length hijab, her oval face alluring as usual though without a speck of make-up. She wasn't wearing glasses and for a second when their eyes met, he felt her breaking his resolve again.
Thank goodness she broke the stare and furthered towards him with a smile.
And a cup of coffee.
"Good morning." She said softly, setting the clouding cup before him.
He cleared his throat and shifted his eyes from her movements. "Morning."
That went quite smoothly, he prayed the others do too.
"Eleven days, where were you?"
He squeezed his eyes close at her question. Why does she have to ask this?
"I do deserve an answer, don't I? Cos Aunt Halimah, Ya Lubaba and Ya Hafsah were here some days back."
"What?" He glanced at her.
"Yeah, and I hardly covered up for you y'know."
He was quiet, finding the right word. "Thanks."
Seeing he had no intention of saying more, she inched the cup closer to him. "Thought you'd want some coffee."
He nodded and had a sip.
"Well, umm... later." She turned around for the door.
He released a breath he only realized he's holding and ran his fingers through his hair.
It's gonna be a heck of a long marriage.
* * *
He's been pacing the length of his office for the past thirty minutes, balling his fists, raking his hair, biting his knuckles, massaging his temples... his mind was still in a quandary.
The door beeped and Umar came in. He stopped mid-stride, looked around then back at Ali, cocked a brow.
"It's eight forty."
Ali checked his watch and sighed. "Come, come on Farouq." He whisked to where Umar was and pulled him to the twin seats across his desk.
"Something up?"
"Everything Farouq." He pulled a seat and sat. Umar did same.
"I think I'm going crazy,"
"Yes!" Umar exclaimed, earning a baffled look from Ali.
"I just told you I'm losing my senses and you're rejoicing?"
"Chill bro, now don't worry. We got your back. We've spent years doing this thing and trust us, everything's gonna be under control."
"What do you think I'm talking about?"
"Man, it's overdue. I gave you a month remember? My prayers are always answered Ali, you know that."
Ali slapped his face with his joined palms and grunted.
"Now just tell me one thing, you're in love with her."
"No." Ali answered too early for Umar's liking.
"Don't talk crap."
Ali huffed. "It's hard okay? Like really very hard."
"Okay." Umar shifted to the edge of his seat, his eyes trained on Ali. "You want her."
"I don't know."
"Look, I want us to be selfish here. Like very selfish. Think about only you. Only you. Now tell me do you want this girl? Forever?"
Ali stared at him skeptically, weighing the obvious.
Is it obvious?
"Forget whatever bad you think you did. Whatever blame is making you feel unworthy. Feel like the most perfect man on Earth who deserves everything he wants. Do you want Amira?"
"Ugh! I hate this." Ali mumbled, wrapping his head up between his arms.
"Just say it!"
"I do."
"Louder?"
"I do man! I do! I want Amira. Desperately."
"Good." Umar clapped. "Now you got to profess it to her."
"Pro... what? I never said I loved her."
"But you want her."
"Yes!"
"How do you really feel?"
"Like locking us both up in a room and never letting her go forever. Like wanting to have her around forever. Like... it's really scary Farouq."
"Oh you." He flitted a hand at him. "Do you at times feel like wanting to munch on her like a sausage roll?"
Ali sighed. "I don't think so. I'll be eating her up which means not having any of her remaining."
"Yikes man. You're in love and it's already making you stupid."
"Did you just insult me?"
"Nah, twas a compliment. But it's good this way. Now you'll do what's right."
"I want you to freaking help me Farouq!" Ali scowled.
"You're in love with her."
"I can't be."
"But you are."
"You gotta understand it's dangerous."
"Why?" Umar asked bemused.
"Cos... cos I'll only hurt her Farouq." He murmured sadly. "Cos I'm not good enough, or brave enough, or worthy enough. I'm a douchebag."
"And Amira's been with you just the way you are. She accepted and had been by you even after knowing everything."
"Not completely." He said guiltily.
"She told me you talked about everything."
"So she thinks. But I couldn't man up and tell her everything. Well it wasn't easy either."
"Ali," He reached out to him.
"How totally messed up am I? And... I really want her Farouq. But how can I? How can I even tell her that? I feel guilty even feeling that. After mistreating her for seven months... I wish I could go back and at least try to know her a little, maybe spare her some time, put in some effort and not just push her around like I did. Maybe I was being paranoid, insecure, overprotective, conscientious, whatever. But I've wronged Amira beyond repair, just as I am wretched beyond repair. How then can she and I be together?"
"By wanting to want and have her. By wanting to be what she'd want. By wanting to fix this up, everything, be good to her, convince her, love her man, make inroads and make up for lost time."
"It isn't easy. Not at all."
"Nobody said it was but it's worth a try."
Ali shook his head repeatedly even before Umar dropped his breath.
"Ali,"
"Point blank she scares me Farouq. Like what I feel for her, it's too much. That not to talk of how uncomfortable it is now to stay around her cos I don't trust myself. What I might do."
"She's your wife."
"Do you think both of us have accepted that?"
"Someone has to be the first. Why shouldn't you?"
"Cos... cos I can't."
"You have to put an effort Ali, else you might regret this sometime soon."
"I already am."
"And do you want more? Ali, Amira's been only good ever since. She's been by you, supported you, helped you, Ali do you really wanna lose such a woman?"
"And keeping her? Do you think she'll wanna stay with me? What am I even talking about? I'm dying Farouq."
"Don't speak like that. You'll be okay."
"You know that's wrong. Umar I can't have Amira, maybe get together, have some good memories together, and then I just fall dead. How do you think she'd feel?"
"Then want to live. Take good care of your health and you'll be happy with your wife."
"Death is inevitable."
"It's better if it's of a natural cause."
Ali stared speculatively at him, absorbing his words.
"Ali you just gotta give both of you a chance. Try to get along with her, get to know how she feels about you, maybe you two will be making us some babies soon."
"That wasn't necessary." Ali deadpanned.
"You're getting old Ali. I'm a father of three. You have a wife you want, make her want you too." He stood up and checked his wristwatch. "I'll just go in your place for the meeting. Have some alone time to think. Andy will get you a cup."
Ali huffed when the door closed behind Umar. What're you doing to me Amira?!
* * *
"No!"
"Am_"
"No. You promised."
"I didn't."
"You can't go back on your word."
"I didn't give my word."
"Are you seriously gonna deny that now? You promised me an hour a day, whenever you're home, remember?!"
"I didn't promise."
"Why're you avoiding me?" She asked the question that's been itching her for three weeks.
Ever since the... 'incident', Ali has been avoiding her. 'Umm, I gotta go', 'excuse me', 'nah, I'm busy', it's either one or the other. He misses her calls which she has every right to believe were very intentional, he stays away from her, it's like he's running away from her!
What did she do?!
Ali blinked at her, once, then twice. He looked away and stared abstractly.
"And don't you tell me you aren't. Ali what did I do wrong? I thought we're past this hide and seek a long time ago. Why're you doing this?" Her voice cracked so she shut up not wanting to be a crying mess.
He opened his mouth but nothing left his tongue. He kept his cup of coffee and stood up. "I have something to take care of."
"You're doing it again." She sniffed and shifted from him. "You're too big you make me feel tiny."
That's supposed to be a mood lightener but it didn't do its job well.
"Is this about the... the kiss?" She glanced nervously at him and could swear he's almost panicking.
"I understand that I'm your wife but y'know, at least give me a heads-up like, I wanna kiss you? Can I kiss you? Or..." She glanced at him again. His eyes were closed.
"But it's okay, you're forgiven." When he didn't reply, she said. "You're welcome."
He flew his eyes open. I'm dead.
"But you should really stop Ali, it's been almost three weeks and you're making me feel guilty. I don't know if I should say this but, it's just a kiss, and I know you didn't mean it right?"
Okay... "I really have to go."
She held his hand before he walked away. "Stop this."
"Ami_"
"Ali_"
"We need to stay away from each other." He blurted out gaining a dazzled look from her.
He clenched his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I um, we really need to stay away okay? It's better like that."
"But... wait... Al_"
He was already gone.
"Ya rabbi! I don't like this one bit!"
She got her phone from the center table and dialed him.
He didn't pick up.
She sent him a text.
- I'm bored and suffocated. I need to get some air. Like go out for a very long time and have some fresh relaxing air cos I'm losing it!!!
She regretted sending that the second she clicked the send key.
His reply came two minutes later.
- Alright. But be reachable and don't stay out too late.
Hah! Unbelievable!
She dialed him and he picked up just before it ended.
"Have you really forgotten that?!"
He sighed.
"I called you, you didn't pick up. But you can send me a 'be reachable and don't stay out too late' text? What the hell is wrong with you?!"
"I'll see you some other time."
"Don't_"
The call ended.
She frowned at the device, anger surging in her.
"You're so gonna get some time apart."
She took the plates to the kitchen and headed to her room, changed then proceeded to God knows where.
* * *
He got down from his car and locked it, dragged himself into the building.
He just doesn't know what's wrong with him.
Well it's definitely Amira.
But why is this happening now of all times?
He just can't stand being in the same space with her, not out of anything but discomfort.
This is so hard.
He was welcomed in by sounds from the television. Umar was playing a game on the play station.
"What are you doing here?"
"Relaxing? What are you doing here?"
"Last time I checked this is my house." He plopped down on the sofa, stretching his legs.
"Whatever." Umar scoffed.
They remained in silence for some minutes.
"So?" Ali asked with his eyes closed
"What?"
"Wanna talk about it?"
"Think I should be asking you that."
"I asked first." He glanced at him.
Umar sighed and paused his game.
"Have you ever noticed that women are hard? Like really hard and complicated and... like a complicated maze or a rocket science puzzle or something?"
"Who're you talking about?"
"Really, the only woman in my life. My wife."
"Did you have a fight?"
"It honestly shouldn't be called that. You see," He shifted to recline his back on the sofa and crossed his legs at the knees. "We agreed, three years ago to share our holidays right, Christmas to be particular, between my parent's and hers and our parents know about that. So the first year, we went home, my parent's home. And the second year, last year, she gave birth but still we'd have gone but then her mom travelled so it's cancelled.
"Now Umma called me and I told her we'd be there for the holiday, they're expecting us by next month. And now Zee is refusing to that, that we have to go to her parents since we didn't go there last year. And I can't call Mum and tell her that, you know very well Dad won't take it lightly cos he called me personally and I told him we'll make it. But Fauziyya isn't ready to understand that cancelling this trip to go to her parents will do no good on her relationship with Dad. You know the case with them both.
"She wants me to lie to him but seriously, we can't hide that right? Baseline is, she's saying I'm selfish, that I love my parents more than I do hers which is very true and I told her that. Cos everyone loves his more. My parents are my parents and her parents are her parents. Forget they're my in-laws, they take me as a son and I see them as my second parents cos they're nice and good people but that doesn't hide the fact that my parents are still my parents and nothing will ever change that.
"Now she's angry that I accepted a fact she stated and she said she's gonna go to her parents with the kids and I can go to my parents, alone. And I swore to her that I'm not going to her parents and she should do whatsoever it is she wants to do cos it wasn't my fault we didn't go to her parent's last year and I didn't start the 'I love my parents more' issue and even if I do cancel my trip to Coventry, I'm certainly not going to her parents and wallahi I mean it. Did I do something wrong?"
"Since when did this happen?"
"Breakfast."
Ali checked the time. 11:50. He's serious.
"Maybe you should go home and try to resolve this issue."
"How?"
"You know your wife better, you can get something both of you will be okay with."
"Just forget Zee Ali, she'll come around. At times she just becomes so unbearable and... if she comes back to her senses, she'll call me. Don't worry. And you? What happened? Why're you here today?"
"Nothing serious." Ali sighed.
"C'mon, I just opened up to you on my problem, is it Amira?"
"Amira..., I don't know, the problem's me."
"You?"
"Yeah me. And Amira's never gonna talk to me again. That I can tell."
"Why is that?"
Ali puffed and sat by the edge of his seat. "I did something really stupid, and... I don't wanna repeat it so I've been staying away from her, y'know, and she's not getting why I'm doing so and she's insisting on us spending time together like we used to or even more but, I don't trust myself."
"Wait, what did you do?"
Ali locked eyes with him and Umar gave him a suspicious look.
"I'm not about telling you that."
"C'mon, I don't understand you doing something 'really stupid' and Amira not leaving or throwing you out."
"Cos perhaps she believes it's just a..." He stopped himself before blurting it out.
"Ali," Umar gave him an accusing look.
"Just forget it."
"I'm interested in this."
"And I'm not telling you."
"C'mon,"
"No,"
"Please."
"No."
"Then I'll ask her."
"You won't dare."
Umar snatched his phone from the couch but Ali pounced on him and seized it.
"Give it back!" He tried taking it away but Ali held it up.
"Really Farouq, what the hell are you gonna say to her? Okay your husband said he did something really stupid and he's been avoiding you because of it and I want you to tell me?"
"No, I'll tell her to tell me something very stupid you did recently cos you're going insane." He crossed his arms across his chest.
"I've been going insane ever since we came back together." He plopped down on the sofa and Umar sat beside him.
"I kissed her." He murmured.
Umar frowned. "And? Is that it?"
"Don't bullshit me Farouq. I kissed Amira, don't you get it?"
"Don't tell me that's the first time you did that."
"It was."
"Haidar Ali Sulaiman Hamza, do you know how long you've been married?"
"Nine months?"
"For those who've never kissed their wives before marriage, they do that the very day they get married. Ali I don't wanna believe you've never had any sexual relationship with your wife."
"No."
Umar bolted up to his feet. "Then what the hell are you waiting for?! Go back to her now!"
Ali laughed at his silliness. "And then what? Amira come into my room and undress so we can have some reproduction practicals or what? Come alive Umar Farouq Mu'az Spencer."
"Shoot Ali, I can't believe I'm hearing this. Then what have you two been doing ever since?"
"Perhaps you've never understood how our relationship has been."
"I don't think anyone would understand you not consummating your marriage after nine good months even if you'll explain it for a whole year. Nothing justifies this Ali."
"Well we haven't."
"Then when the hell are you gonna do that?"
"Not any time soon."
"What the... Ali I think you need to go for a check-up."
"A what?" Ali chuckled.
Umar took his phone and pulled Ali's arm up.
"C'mon, stop this." Ali pulled himself away from Umar's hold.
"I'm serious Ali, we need to get your brain checked."
"No, I need to get myself in check Farouq. Things are very complicated with she and I and making hasty decisions won't be of help. I myself ain't sure if I do wanna be or can be with this girl forever and these things aren't to be played around with. We both need to sort things out within and between ourselves cos only then can there be place for more. If I'm getting Amira, I wanna do so with a clear and dedicated mind and right now I don't have that one bit."
"And how long is all of that gonna take?"
"A long time, obviously."
"Whatever you do you have to do it fast, there isn't much time."
"But what will be will be. I'm just... very exhausted." He crashed into the chair, his fingers massaging his temple.
"It isn't written that you'll find what you seek but you'll never find what you didn't seek. Think about it."
"I'll try Farouq, I am trying."
* * *
Three days later he came back home with a nervous mind.
He knows what to expect and he was so expecting it.
He met her dusting the furniture in the sitting room, she didn't as much as give him a squint as she went on with her work, the stereo system blaring with Mohbad's 'Feel Good'
He smiled internally and continued up to his room, after a long shower and change, he headed down for a shot of espresso.
The house was already filled up with incense and he continued to the kitchen only to meet her munching on some cupcakes.
He didn't miss the eye-roll from her as she began packing her 'babies' and ready to leave the kitchen.
He tried, honestly, hardly, not to say anything but his mouth spoke before his head could stop him.
You're dead meat man. You're so dead.
She fumed with fury and flushed with embarrassment but she didn't wanna give him that much pleasure.
"And how the hell does that concern you? What even took you eyes there?!"
"Nothing, sorry." He looked at the coffee machine before him.
She rubbed the cream off her chest and thundered out.
Just as he's releasing a sigh of liss, she came back.
"Next time stop looking at my boobs and stop talking to me." And she turned around and left.
* * *
Attitude Amira... 😂
Who's with Umar on the 'baby factory' soon?? Well double me 🙋♀️🙋♀️🚶♀️
So how have y'all been? Hope great 😇 this is a really overdue update and it should've been a double one but jeez, really struggled to get this drafted out as promised 😶 pls ignore any blunders🙏
Still have one more paper tomorrow (which is the reason for the midnight update🤭) and I'll be done for the semester in shaa Allah 💃
I have a goal I'd like to reach before the next sem and I pray I'd be able to 😔
Thx a lot to all my beautiful readers and sorry I've not been having time to reply to your comments, I'd do that in due time in shaa Allah.
Love y'all so much❣