Maaga akong nagising para magluto ng almusal. I want to prepare breakfast for my son dahil matagal tagal na rin since the last time I cooked for him. Malamang sa malamang ay miss na miss na nito ang luto ko.
I couldn't take off the smile on my face. I feel excited. Ngayon ko lang naramdaman ito simula nang ikulong ako rito ni Ryoga. Galit pa rin ako sakaniya sa ginawa niyang pagkukulong sa akin but I should set it aside. My son is here so I need to act like there's nothing wrong going inside this big mansion. I should show him that everything is okay. I have to pretend that everything is fine.
I cooked all of his favorite food. Nang matapos ako sa pagluluto ay hinapag ko lahat ang mga pagkain sa lamesa. I put some cute decorations on it dahil isa 'yun sa nagpapagana sakaniya kumain. Food with garnishes.
When I'm done, I decided to go up stairs. Hindi pa man ako nakakarating nang makarinig ako ng malakas na iyak. Is he crying?! Mabilis akong tumakbo at dali dali kong binuksan ang pinto ng kwarto only to see Ivan crying on Ryoga's shoulder.
Iyak siya ng iyak habang pinapatahan siya nito. Buht buhat niya ito at napatulala na lamang ako sakanilang dalawa.
"Ssshhh. Why are you crying? Stop, please. I'm here." Pag aalo sakaniya ni Ryoga.
"Mommy left me again! She's not here!" Iyak ni Ivan and I feel sad hearing those words from him.
He may be traumatized for what I did to him. For leaving him one year ago. Siguro iniisip niya na iniwan ko nanaman siya dahil wala ako sa tabi niya. Lumingon sa gawi ko si Ryoga at lumapit ako sakanila.
"Ivan, baby." Tawag ko sakaniya.
"Mommy!" He shouted and he extended his arms to me.
Inabot ko ang mga kamay niya at binuhat siya. He hugged me so tight at binaon niya ang mukha niya sa leeg ko. He's still crying though. Hinahabol niya ang hininga niya dahil sa pag iyak niya.
"I'm here. Ssshh na anak. Nag luto lang si Mommy sa baba e."
"I-I thought y-you were gone again." Sinisinok pa na sabi nito. I felt pain because of it. Sobrang sakit ng iyak niya.
"'Di ba sabi naman ni Mommy sa'yo hindi na ako aalis? I promised, right?"
"But some promises are meant to be broken. What if you won't do your promise again just like before?" He asked.
Dumoble ang sakit sa puso ko. This kid. Matanong talaga siyang bata but I can't do anything because he's learning. I just need to give a nice answer for him to understand easily.
"Ivan, we don't do some promises because sometimes there are better things to do more than those." Sagot ni Ryoga at nabaling ang tingin ko sakaniya.
He is just looking at me seriously and I feel like his answer is based on his own experience or not? Kasi 'yung mga pangako niya noon sa akin hindi niya naman ginawa.
He promised to protect me but he was the one who destroyed me. So destroying me is better than protecting me?
"Tahan na, okay? Huwag ka ng umiyak."
"I won't na." He said at pinunasan nito ang mukha niya. Tinulungan ko siya sa pagpunas at nginitian siya.
"Gutom ka na ba?"
"O-opo. Bumalik na po 'yung gutom ko. Nawala po kasi kanina nong makita kitang wala ka." I smiled to his answer.
"Let's eat then. Mommy cooked breakfast for my baby."
Lumabas na lang kami ng kwarto at dumiretso ng dining. Dalawang plato ang hinanda ko ron para sa aming dalawa lang. Dapat tatlo 'to e. For Manang Aryan sana but I don't know where is she. Balak ko pa naman sanang magpatulong sakaniya magluto but I couldn't find her.
"Wow! These are my faves, Mom!" Masayang sabi ni Ivan habang inuupo ko siya. Napangiti ako dahil mukhang nagustuhan niya ang hinanda ko.
I have to cook these foods which unfortunately Ryoga's favorite too. Kainis!
"Ang cute ng designs." I turned around only to see Ryoga sitting on the chair now in front of us. What? Is he going to eat here too? Kapal ha!
"These foods aren't for you." Masungit na sabi ko at nilagayan ng pagkain sa plato si Ivan.
"But these are my favorites?"
"We have the same faves po pala?" Tanong ni Ivan sakaniya.
"Yes. Para tuloy tayong mag tatay. Pareho ng paborito!" Nakangiting sabi niya at sinamaan ko siya ng tingin.
"If you want to eat, just eat. Don't talk."
We started eating at sinubuan ko si Ivan. Natutuwa ako sakaniya dahil sobrang dali niyang pakainin plus ang takaw niya pa. Halos maubos niya ang chocolate pancakes!
"Ang takaw mo. Kaya pala ang taba mo no." Ryoga spoke again.
"Mom, am I fat?" Tanong naman sa akin ni Ivan and he sounded insecure.
"Chubby ka anak. Hindi ka mataba. Magkaiba 'yun." Sagot ko.
"Papunta na rin don 'yon." Singit ni Ryoga and I swear gusto ko siyang saksakin ng tinidor! Gagong 'to!
"Ayoko na, Mommy. Baka tumaba po ako."
"Hindi. Okay lang 'yan. Mag diet ka nalang anak."
"So, I'm really fat?" Nagtatampo na sabi niya.
Binitawan niya ang tinidor na hawak niya at pinag cross nito ang mga kamay niya. I even heard Ryoga na nagpipigil ng tawa. Bwisit siya.
"I mean in the future, doon ka mag diet. For now, just enjoy all of this food. Hindi lahat nakakakain nang ganito."
"Okay po."
"Just work out. Let's exercise later. You want that?"
Hindi naman siya singit pero pangay ang singit.
"Yes po!" Masayang sagot ni Ivan.
Sinamaan ko ng tingin si Ryoga at tinaasan niya lamang ako ng kilay habang nakangiti. The hell with this guy! Kailangan talaga maka alis na kami rito ng anak ko sa poder niya. Nabibwisit ako sa presensya niya!
Nang matapos kaming kumain ay hinugasan ko ang mga plato. Halos magmadali na ako sa paghugas dahil kasama ni Ryoga si Ivan. Kinakabahan ako sa kung ano man ang pwedeng sabihin niya sa anak ko. Baka mamaya sabihin niya nalang bigla na siya ang ama nito na ayaw kong mangyari.
Nang matapos ako sa paghuhugas ay tumakbo ako papunta sa labas. I can hear Ryoga and Ivan's voice shouting at each other. Napahinto ako sa malapit sa pool and I saw them playing in the swimming pool. Ivan loves water just like me.
Nagtatampisaw silang dalawa at nagbubugahan ng tubig sa isa't isa. Ivan is laughing and screaming out of joy. He looks happy.
"Mommy! Dito dali!" He shouted nang makita niya ako. Naramdaman ko ang titig ni Ryoga sa akin pero hindi ko siya binalingan ng tingin.
"Come! Let's play with Uncle Ryoga!" He shouted again.
Lumapit na lamang ako sakanila at nginitian ko siya. I jumped in the pool at mabilis akong sinabuyan ng tubig ni Ivan.
"Mommy, here comes the water!" He said at panay pa rin ang saboy nito sa akin. "Uncle, help me! Basain natin siya!"
Ryoga looked at me at napatakip ako sa mukha ko nang sabuyan niya nga ako. Damn it! Nakainom pa yata ako! Tampisaw lang ang pagsasaboy sa akin ni Ivan pero parang isang batsa ang sinaboy niya! Kung wala lang dito ang anak ko, baka nilunod ko na siya!
Bigla akong naubo nang mapasukan ang ilong ko. My eyes teared because of it. It's painful.
"Ivan, stop." Awat ni Ryoga. "Hey, are you okay?" He asked at lumapit siya sa akin. I pushed him when he touched me.
"I'm fine." Masungit na sabi ko.
"Sorry, Mommy." Ivan said and I smiled to him.
"It's okay baby. Ligo na tayo sa taas?" Aya ko.
"No. I still want to play here with him." He answered and he started floating.
At his young age, he's a great swimmer. Kuya Red taught him how to swim since he was 2. Makaalis lang kami rito at mamuhay ulit ng normal ay ipapa train ko na siya para maging national swimmer in the future.
"Don't play too much. Punta lang ako sa taas." Paalam ko sakaniya and he just showed his thumbs up while still floating.
Lumikas ako sa pool and I looked back at them again. Ryoga and Ivan started to play along.
"Marunong ka palang lumangoy?"
"Opo. Tinuruan po ako ni Uncle Red."
"Ah, oo. Dugong kasi 'yon." He said and they started laughing.
I started walking away and went up stairs. On the other hand, I don't want to stay pala with Ivan and Ryoga at the same time. It makes me feel strange feelings.
Buong tanghali naglaro sa tubig si Ryoga at Ivan. Ivan was so tired that he lost his energy at nakatulog after he took a bath. I stared at him and fixed his hair. His cheeks are so red probably because of the heat of the sun. Nakalimutan kong lagyan siya ng sun block kanina.
The door opened and I saw Ryoga entering our room. He sat on the mini couch at sinamaan ko siya agad ng tingin.
"What are you doing here?" I asked in a low voice, scared that Ivan might wake up.
"Bakit?" Tanong niya pabalik.
"Tinatanong kita."
"Bahay ko 'to kaya pwede kong puntahan lahat ng sulok nito." He answered like a fool.
"Wala akong pakialam kung pagmamay ari mo 'to. Gusto mo umalis nalang kami e? Kasi ako, gustong gusto kong layasan ka na."
His face became serious. Tumayo siya sa pagkakaupo niya atsaka siya lumapit sa akin. Hinila niya ang kamay ko nang walang kahirap hirap at napatayo ako. I looked at Ivan and good thing he didn't wake up by the sudden move.
"What's your problem?" I whispered.
Bigla siyang naglakad at kinaladkad niya ako palabas ng kwarto. He closed the door and we went to another room. He locked it and he slammed me on the door.
"Ano ba?!" Sigaw ko sakaniya.
"You will not get out of this fucking house! You and my son will stay here with me!"
"And who are you to say that?! Hindi pa ba sapat na kinulong mo 'ko rito? Pati anak ko idadamay mo sa kalokohan mo!"
"I have all the rights to that kid because he is my son! Anak natin 'yon! Anak ko 'yon!"
He is breathing deeply and I just realized how closed he is to me. Sobrang magkalapit ang katawan naming dalawa at bigla akong nailang.
"Huwag mong kanyahin ang batang 'yon. Hindi lang ikaw ang gumawa non. He has my blood running all over his veins. You cannot have him without me."
"Should I thank you for that? Thank you for being a demon and thanks to your sperm?"
He held my waist at mas lalo ko siyang tinignan nang masama. If he thinks madadala niya ako sa paganyan ganyan niya, well he is wrong!
"Pinagbibigyan kita sa kagustuhan mong huwag muna akong ipakilala bilang ama niya. But don't you ever think of running away again from me kung ayaw mong itali ko kayong dalawa."
I pushed him so hard and slapped his face. Bumakat ang palad ko sa pisngi niya.
"Gago! Gago ka talaga! Huwag na huwag mong gagawin sa anak ko kung ano ang ginawa mo sa akin, dahil sinasabi ko sa'yo, kung hindi kita tuluyang napatay noon baka magawa ko na ngayon!"
His eyes softened and I saw pain in his eyes. Alam kong imposibleng hindi madamay ang anak ko sa alitan naming dalawa dahil kahit ayaw ko mang tanggapin, tatay pa rin siya ni Ivan. Oo, may karapatan siya sa anak ko pero aalisin ko 'yun sakaniya dahil sa katarantaduhan ng ugali niya.
Kahit saan kami umabot, ipaglalaban ko ng patayan ang anak ko.
"You can hurt me or do whatever you want to me, but don't you ever hurt my son physicially and emotionally, or else I'm really gonna kill you. I won't think twice! I'm telling you."
I turned my back to him and opened the door. Lumabas ako ng kwarto at naglakad pabalik kung nasaan ang anak ko.
My tears fell automatically as I look at him peacefully sleeping. He even has the smile on his face. Humiga ako sa tabi niya at yinakap siya.
"I'm sorry anak. I'm really sorry." I whispered while carassing his back.
"I can give you the world, anything. Kahit ano pa 'yan ay ibibigay ni Mommy sa'yo. But please, please." My voice cracked.
"Please don't ask me to give you your father. Don't ask me for our complete family, because that is the least thing I want to give."
Not because I can't but because his father is terrible. It's better to be the two of us rather than having him beside us. It will just make me worried every second of the time knowing how bad Ryoga can be.
I am scared that his father's attitude might affect him. I'm scared that he'll be like him.
Nakatulog ako sa tabi ni Ivan at nang imulat ko ang mga mata ko ay wala na siya sa tabi ko. Napabalikwas ako and I saw in the window that it's already dark. Gabi na pala! And god, where is he?!
Lumabas ako ng kwarto at bumaba ng hagdan para hanapin siya. I went straight to the kitchen when I heard his giggle. Naabutan ko silang kumakain ni Ryoga at sinusubuan siya nito. Nakahinga ako nang maluwag dahil don. Akala ko nawala na siya sa akin.
"Ivan." I called him habang nakakandong siya kay Ryoga.
Ryoga didn't look at me at naghihiwala lamang siya ng meat sa plato nila. They are eating in one plate.
"Hi, Mommy! Good evening. I didn't wake you up because you're sleeping well."
"It's okay. But next time wake me up, okay?"
"Okay."
"Kumain ka na. Nagluto na ako." Ryoga said habang hindi pa rin ako tinitignan. "Ivan, aahh?"
Ivan opened his mouth so big and accepted the food from him. Kumuha na lamang ako ng plato ko at tumabi sakanila. I put food on my plate.
"Uncle, do you live alone here?" He asked Ryoga.
"Ivan you still have food inside your mouth. Don't speak."
"Yes, I do. Why?"
"Kawawa ka naman po pala." He answered without listening to me.
Ang tigas din ng ulo nito. Parang hindi pinag bawalan. Hindi niya nakuha sa akin 'yan. He probably got that trait from him.
"Okay lang. Nandito ka naman na e." Sagot ni Ryoga at napatigil ako sa pagsubo ng pagkain.
"You want me to stay here and live with you?" Ivan excitedly asked.
"Yes. Is that okay? You and Mommy will stay here with me."
"Ryoga." Bawal ko sakaniya. Ginagamit niya ba ang anak ko?!
"That's fine with me po! I would love to! This house is really big like a palace and you have your own pool pa po. Okay na okay po ako rito."
"That's good. Bibili rin tayo ng maraming toys mo. Pupunuin natin ng maraming toys ang bahay."
This fucking jerk! Kinukuha niya sa mahina ang anak ko!
"Yehey!" Ivan said and he even clapped his both hands.
"Ivan!" Bawal ko sakaniya at napatigil ito sa pagsasaya niya.
"B-bakit po?"
"Hindi tayo titira rito! Aalis din tayo!"
"B-but Uncle Ryoga said we would live here with with him."
"Yes, you will Ivan. You like Uncle, right? You want to live with me?"
"O-opo. I like you very much."
"I said no!" I shouted at binagsak ni Ivan ang tinidor na hawak hawak niya. He looked at me with his teary eyes, stopping them to fall.
"I-I'm sorry." I said when I saw how hurt he was.
I was about to reach his hand but he turned his back to me. He hugged Ryoga and he started to cry.
"See? You made him cry." Nakangiti na sabi ni Ryoga na mas lalong kinainis ko. "It's okay, baby. I'm here."
Tumayo si Ryoga sa pagkakaupo niya habang buhat buhat niya ang anak ko.
"Ryoga, that's my son!"
"Our son." He mouthed while still smiling. "Mommy is so bad. He made my Ivan cry."
Sinisiraan niya ba ako sa anak ko? Nang harapan?! What more kung silang dalawa lang ang magkasama?! What does he tell?!
"Hush now. Bakit ka ba umiiyak?" Ryoga told him.
I know why. It's because I shouted at him. He hates that one too. Same with me.
"S-she shouted!" Sumbong niya habang humihikbi.
"No. Mommy's voice is just loud."
"No, U-Uncle. I know her voice!"
"Don't worry. I'll spank your Mom later." He winked at me at umakyat na yata sa ulo ko lahat ng dugo ko sa katawan!
"Tumigil ka na sa pag iyak. Ayoko ng mga batang umiiyak."
To my surprise, Ivan really stopped crying.
"Very good. Good boy naman pala. Now, face me."
Ivan really faced him which made my jaw dropped. How can he do that?! Whenever Ivan feel bad towards me, even Kuya Red couldn't talk to him. He doesn't talk to anyone!
"Wipe your tears." Ryoga said again and Ivan followed.
"Look at your Mom and don't feel bad at her. Her voice is just loud and she just woke up that's why."
"Okay."
Tumingin sa akin si Ivan atsaka ito yumuko.
"Say sorry." Ryoga said and I don't know kung sinong sinasabihan niya sa amin ni Ivan.
"Sorry." Magkasabay na sabi namin ni Ivan. Ryoga laughed a little.
"Sorry, baby." I said and he extended his arms to me to hug him.
"I'm sorry too."
I kissed his head at kinandong ko siya sa akin.
"Should we eat now?"
"Okay. You eat na."
Bumaba siya sa akin at bumalik sa pagkakandong kay Ryoga. Ryoga started to feed him with a smile on his face. Like he won a victory.
This manipulative jerk!
"What toys do you want, Ivan?" He asked and they are talking casually.
I don't like this! I have a bad feeling about this! Baka mamaya ay gamitin niya ang anak ko laban sa akin. I know for sure that he will use him against me. To make me follow what he wants. Ivan is following and listening to him, and obviously Ivan likes him just like what he has said. They just met yesterday! Bakit ganito na agad ang bonding nilang dalawa?! Kahit kailan talaga, hindi patas makipaglaban ang bwisit na 'to.
He will always find his ways makuha lang ang gusto niya. Fuck that motto of him! Wala talaga siyang pinapalampas. Basta gusto niya, gagawin niya.
"Ivan, what about we sleep together tonight? Gusto mo ba 'yon?"
Nailuwa ko ng wala sa oras ang baboy na nasa bibig ko. What is this nanaman ba?!
"The three of us po?"
"Yep!"
"Sure po!"
"You heard that Reginy? Your son wants us to sleep together."
"He didn't want that. You suggested it." Inis na sabi ko.
"Ayaw yata ng Mommy mo, Ivan?" Paawa na sabi niya sa anak ko. I swear to God, gustong gusto ko na siyang hampasin ng plato.
"I like it, Mommy. I want to sleep with the two of you. Ayaw mo po ba?"
"H-huh?" I looked at Ivan and he is pouting his lips. Sunod kong tinignan si Ryoga na nakangiti at nakatitig sa plato habang pinaglalaruan ang pagkain nila gamit ang tinidor.
"Ayaw mo, Mommy?" Malungkot na tanong niya at alam kong wala na akong magagawa pa.
"G-gusto ko. E-excited na nga akong matulog na kasama kayo e." I said and he smiled.
Inalis ko ang paningin ko sila at napairap ako sa kawalan.
"Payag na po siya." Bulong niya kay Ryoga habang humahagikhik na narinig ko naman.
I hate this! I really hate this!
Nang matapos kaming kumain ay kaming tatlo rin ang nag hugas. Nabibwisit ako dahil napaka feelingero ng Ryoga na 'to. Feeling niya yata happy family kami habang hinuhugasan ang mga plato na gustong gusto kong ipukpok sa ulo niya. Hindi ko lang magawa dahil nandirito ang anak ko.
"Let's sleep in my room. The bed is bigger." He said before going upstairs.
Naiwan kami ni Ivan dito sa dining room. Kinandong ko siya habang kumakain ng toblerone.
"Anak." Tawag ko sakaniya.
"Po?"
"Huwag na nating tabihan si Uncle. Mabaho siya e. Hindi mo ba naamoy?" I said. God! I'm lying.
Hindi sa pag iinarte. Yes I slept with him, alone in this house. Pero iba na ngayon dahil kasama namin si Ivan. It gives me a strange feeling talaga.
"Huh? Sobrang bango po kaya niya, Mommy. Baka sarili niyo po ang naaamoy niyo? Or baka bibig niyo po 'yan? Dahil sabi ni Daddy Kennedy noon, malapit ang ilong sa bibig."
Kennedy? Sino ba 'yang Kennedy na 'yan? Napaka epal ng tinuturo!
"Mabango ako, Ivan. Alam mo 'yan." Pikon na sabi ko.
"E mabango rin po si Uncle. Mas mabango pa nga po siya kaysa sa atin."
"Mas mabango tayo."
"Hindi, Mommy. Mas mabango po talaga siya."
Gusto kong konyatan ang anak ko dahil sa pamimilit niyang mas mabango si Ryoga! Naiinis ako dahil alam ko rin naman sa sarili ko na mabango talaga siya! Mahal ang mga perfume niyang bwisit siya ever since e.
"Mag hilamos na tayo. Ubusin mo na 'yan."
Para akong patay habang nag lalakad papuntang kwarto ni Ryoga. Mas nauuna si Ivan sa akin at hila hila niya ang isang unan. He looks excited and I don't feel the same.
I opened the door and we went inside. Dumiretso si Ivan sa kama at nag tatalon siya ron. Sinundan ko na lamang siya at humiga. Ryoga is not here and I can hear the sound of the shower. He's inside the rest room.
"See, Mom? Naliligo si Uncle kahit mabango pa rin siya. Ikaw nga half bath lang e."
"Nanay mo 'ko, Ivan. Ako ang paboran mo."
Bumukas ang pinto ng CR at linuwa non si Ryoga na naka shorts at topless. He doesn't have his shirt and he's making his hair dry. Kung feeling niya kinagwapo niya 'yan, matulog nalang siya.
"Uncle, tara na rito sa bed!"
Hinila siya ni Ivan habang nagsosoot ito ng white t-shirt. Tumalon silang dalawa pahiga sa kama at muntik pa akong mahulog dahil sa pag bounce ko.
"Sa gitna ka ba, Ivan? O ako ang sa gitna?"
"Si Ivan ang sa gitna!" I answered. Ayoko siyang tabihan!
"Ako raw po."
Humiga silang dalawa and Ryoga turned off the lights. Nagkumot ako at kinumutan ko rin si Ivan. Humarap ako sakaniya and I smiled when I saw him smiling while his eyes are already closed.
"Mommy." He called me while his eyes are still closed.
"Hmm?"
"I'm so happy today."
"Why?"
Inabot niya ang kamay ko at nagulat ako nang abutin niya rin ang kay Ryoga. Pinagpatong niya ang mga kamay naming dalawa habang nakahawak siya.
"I feel like I have my own family now. I am complete. You my Mom, and Uncle Ryoga as my Dad."
Kumirot ang puso ko dahil sa sinabi niya. Alam ko namang gustong gusto niya nang magkaroon ng isang ama. Sabik na sabik siya actually.
"I'll be your Dad." Ryoga said at napako ang tingin ko sakaniya. He is looking at me too.
"Really?"
"Yes. So you'll always be happy."
Pinikit ko na lamang ang mga mata ko at yumakap kay Ivan. My tears are falling while my eyes are closed.
I'm sorry, Ivan. I'm really sorry. But I don't want to include Ryoga in our family. I don't want him too to be the source of your happiness.
It's too selfish, I know. Pero ayoko. Ayoko talaga.