Let us live, where we must die.
HANNAH
"How's the first semester?" Stella asked with a teasing smirk on her face.
"Fine," tipid na sagot ko.
"Don't you have any party with blockmates or friends?" Ciara asked with a raised brow.
Among my cousins, sila Stella at Ciara ang pinakanalalapit sa edad ko. Madalas nila akong niyaya noon kung may mga lakad sila. At hanggang ngayon ay ganito pa rin naman sila. Tulad ngayon, nagkita sila at mamaya ay pupunta ng bar. Sinundo ako ni Stella sa bahay at nalaman n'ya mula kay Mommy na ngayon nga ay last day ng first semester ng school year at hindi na ako pumasok dahil wala naman na akong gagawin.
Pareho nang tapos sa pag-aaral sila Stella at Ciara. Ciara is now working on the administrative department of our family's hospital. Hindi s'ya masyadong natatali sa trabaho dahil parang asistant pa lang s'ya ni Tita Evangeline sa ngayon. Her mother is not strict with her unlike with her older sister, Vivian and their eldest brother Kuya Pocholo.
Stella is a dentist but she's not practicing her profession. Ang sabi n'ya ay pinili n'ya lang naman ang course na dentistry dahil gusto ni Tita Beatrice na field of medicine ang kunin n'ya tulad ng mga kapatid n'ya, at karamihan sa pamilya namin. And Stella being Stella, chose what she thought was the easiest. But she doesn't want to be a full-pledge dentist because she's disgusted by the thoughts of touching others' mouth.
Stella is working as a freelance model and I think she's earning good digits from it. She even got international offers. Hindi naman na nakakagulat dahil sa aming magpipinsan, she's the prettiest and fiercest. She also got the body of a supermodel and the charisma of an enchantress.
"Hannah, did you even make yourself some friends?" Stella raised a brow on me.
I bit my bottom lip.
All throughout the semester, wala akong ibang ginawa kung hindi maging hindi kapansin-pansin. Kung may kumakausap sa akin ay kinakausap ko naman, pero hindi ko kaya na makisama sa mga lakad sa labas ng paaralan.
"Han..." Ciara watched my face for a long while. I stared back at her, not saying anything and simply wait for her to go on.
They're always like this around me. They're walking on tiptoed. They think that they're being careful, but in fact, they're kind of offending me. They're not treating me like they normally treat others, kaya pakiramdam ko ay hindi na talaga ako normal. They make me feel that I am still sick. And that I shouldn't be here.
I know that I should be thankful for their concern and thoughtfulness, but I can't help but feel offended. I can't feel them and their careful actions helping with my recovery.
That's why I like it better with Kuya and Stella. They're being themselves around me. Hindi sila nag-aalinlangan na i-express kung ano talaga sila. They're being considerate by not being too considerate.
"Spill it, Ciara," Stella rolled her eyes.
Ciara sighed. "How are you with boys?" she gently asked. "I mean... how are you coping up?"
Ciara has a major in psychology. I think she frequently hang out with me these days because she was asked to do so. Baka nag-aalala sila Mommy at Tito Ben sa akin.
I smiled. "I am fine with them. I'm not as evasive as before. As long as they're not being touchy or implying any sexual desires, I can exist with them."
Ciara beamed. "I'm glad to hear that."
That was a major struggle. It took all of me not to freak out being near any man. I even booked an appointment to a shrink to help me fix that. I had series of sessions, and now I can manage to control my paranoia.
"Hannah, whatever happened years ago, you should forget it," Stella said.
I bowed my head. Easier said than done.
"Or don't forget it at all," Stella chuckled. "Just learn from them."
Ciara nodded in agreement.
Pinilit ko na lang na ngumiti at tumango. I don't want to explain my side and opinion. It's hard to make them understand my pain.
Kung kaya ko lang, kakalimutan ko na lang ang lahat. But what happened has been etched on my whole being. I was ruined. It's not just on my mind and body. Everything that happened cut through my soul. My entirety.
Forgetting about that means forgetting myself. My identity. My existence.
I spent my whole day with the two. As usual, we went shopping. After dinner, we went to a chill-vibe bar Ciara chose. I called Kuya to join us. I am not confident with this. This will be the first time I'll be going to a bar since I went back to the outside world.
We were joined with our other cousins and some of their friends. Kuya Frigate ordered a margarita for me. Most of my cousins are hard drinker kaya naman halos lahat ng mga inumin sa table namin ay matataas ang alcohol level. Hindi ko papangahasan na sumali sa kanila. I don't want to mess around.
"Kuya, is it fine for me to drink?" nag-aalinlangang tanong ko kay Kuya Frigate nang dumating ang inumin para sa akin. Kinalabit ko pa si Kuya.
From laughing with Kuya Pocholo, Kuya Frigate turned to me. May bakas pa ng ngiti sa labi n'ya.
"Yes, Han?" he smiled at me. Mukhang hindi pa tapos sa tawa n'ya sa pinag-uusapan nila. Nahiya tuloy ako na naistorbo ko s'ya.
"Okay lang ba na uminom ako nito?"
Kuya tucked loose strands of hair behind my ear. Umayos pa s'ya ng upo sa tabi ko para mas maharap ako. He gave me a gentle smile. "It's fine, Hannah. You stopped your medications months ago. You're fine now and you should really try to live your life. Don't be afraid to try and explore," he gently said.
The bar we're in is not too loud. Kahit hindi lakasan ni Kuya ang boses n'ya, rinig ko ang sinabi n'ya. Napasulyap ako kay Kuya Pocholo na nasa kabilang banda ni Kuya. He gave me an encouraging smile. Ang ibang mga kasama namin at abala na sa dancefloor o 'di kaya'y nasa kabilang mga table na, sa mga kakilala din nila. Kaming tatlo na lang ang nandito dahil si Kuya TJ ay nag-banyo na muna.
"And if you ever fall again, I'm here to pick you up. We're all here for you," Kuya Firgate gently smiled. "You're the only one who can give yourself what you deserve, Han. So don't be too hard on yourself."
"Try to think less and feel more," Kuya Pocholo suggested.
I smiled at them. I nodded then hugged my brother.
Kuya Frigate chuckled. "We should enjoy your break. Want to have vacation?"
My two weeks off from school passed by in a blur. I spent most my days home, trying to learn how to bake. Kuya suggested for me to learn new stuffs and involve myself in new hobby for now since I'm not yet comfortable with getting along with other people that much.
"Try to make new friends," Kuya smiled as he dropped me off the front gate of the school.
I nodded with a smile.
I started walking towards the classroom where my first subject will be. Napadaan ako sa quadrangle kung saan nagkukumpulan ang grupo-grupo ng mga estudyante. The benches were filled with students. Maingay ang mga usapan nila tungkol sa kumustahan ng naging bakasyon.
A soft smile formed my lips. The days I spent with my cousins made me think that I should try to step out of my shell this semester. Kahit kasi tahimik ako madalas, masaya pa rin ako sa tuwing nakakasama ko ang iba. I got to laugh at their silly jokes.
And always being alone is lonely.
"There comes the bitch."
Napalingon ako sa grupo ng mga babae. I followed their line of vision and I saw the most popular student in the campus. Selene Amante. Everyone in the campus know her.
The woman got a reputation here. It was talk of the town how much of a playgirl she is. Madami ang nagsasabi na makulay ang nightlife n'ya. That she's active with boys. And almost half of the male population in the campus is trying to hit on her. She was labelled as an easy woman.
She's infamous, but not even once that she gave a care on the gossips. Sabay lang kaming pumasok dito, at ni minsan ay hindi ko nakita o nabalitaan na may kinumpronta s'ya sa mga nagkakalat ng pangit na impresyon sa kanya. At wala ni isa ang pinatulan n'ya sa mga pumoporma sa kanya.
I watched her from afar. She's blatantly rejecting every man who will dare to hit on her. But she got involved in some minor catfight. Kung may mga babae kasi na aaway sa kanya dahil nagiging dahilan s'ya ng breakup, she's fighting back. She always throw the last attack. You can badmouth her and she wouldn't care, but if anyone get physical, she's striking back. At hindi s'ya nagpapaapi o nagpapatalo
She's so cool. And in my heart, I know that I want to be like her. She's always by herself, pero hindi tulad ko, hindi s'ya mukhang kawawa. At kahit na ano'ng mga pangit na bagay pa ang sabihin sa kanya, wala s'yang pakielam. She's not affected. I envied her confidence.
Those who hate her envied her. She's a strong and confident woman. And Icen Corpus, the campus director, is always at her side. Major reason kung bakit madaming galit kay Selene Amante ay dahil s'ya ang gusto ni Icen.
Icen Corpus is an eligible bachelor. He's handsome, wealthy, and influencial. Madami ang may gusto sa kanya, at si Selene ang gusto n'ya. Kaya lahat ng gustong umasa sa kanya ay nagagalit sa kung sino ang gusto n'ya.
If there's one thing I hate the most, it's people like these girls. They're pathetic. Venting out their frustrations on other people because of their insecurities. It's alright to feel insecure, pero hindi dapat na mamintas ng iba o magalit sa iba dahil nararamdaman mo na may kulang sa'yo.
I sighed then continued advancing to my first class. This is a minor subject. I already took this on my previous school but it wasn't credited. I took the farthest seat on the corner of the room. Mabilis na napuno ng mga kaklase ko ang silid.
I am older than most students. May ibang mga nakakausap din naman ako sa kanila, pero madalas na ganito ako. Loner.
Five minutes before the class, Selene Amante sat beside me. Napatingin ako sa kanya pero sa harap lang naman ang tingin n'ya. Napasinghap pa ako nang makita ko si Icen Corpus na nakatayo sa gilid n'ya.
"Seriously, Icen, do I have to attend the classes?" Selene raised a brow.
Yeah. She's entitled to skip the classes without failing the subjects due to number of absences. Ang usap-usapan ay noong nakaraang semester daw, pumapasok lang s'ya kung may exam. She's not participating on discussions or any other activities aside from written examinations. That's her perks for being the lover of the campus director.
I looked around and saw how everybody watch them. Tahimik ang lahat dahil sa presensya ni Mr. Corpus.
"It's the first day. Better get familiar with your schedule, rooms, and don't forget to write down the names of your professors," Icen lightly chuckle.
Mr. Corpus left after Selene rolled her eyes on him then focused her attention in front. She got a pissed expression on her face. She gave me a sullen glance which made me moved on my seat.
She sighed then gave me a brief smile. "Sorry for the pissed expression."
Natunganga lang ako sa kanya hanggang sa ibinalik na n'ya ang atensyon n'ya sa harap.
Pasimpleng iginala ko ang paningin ko. Nakita ko na mabilis ang naging bulungbulungan at ang pagtatapon ng mga sulyap sa gawi ni Selene. Maybe that's what's pissing her off? Nakakairita nga naman na ganito ang mga tao sa kanya.
Sa pagmamatyag ko sa paligid ay saka ko lang napansin na kaya pala s'ya dito umupo sa tabi ko ay dahil panay mga lalaki na ang katabi ng ibang bakanteng mga upuan.
After a brief introduction of the professor, we got dismissed.
Unlike other students who chose to hangout with their friends on the leisure areas around the campus, I went straight to the next classroom. Thakfully, walang nagka-klase kaya nakapasok na ako.
Few minutes after I settled myself on the corner seat, Selene with two men entered. We're the only ones here. I saw her surprised expression when she noticed me. Hindi naman s'ya nagbigay ng reaksyon at nakipag-usap na lang kay Icen Corpus.
"So, Selene..." the man with foreign features got this naughty aura around him. He looks like trouble. He took the seat next to Selene. Ipinatong n'ya ang isang braso sa sandalan ng upuan ni Selene.
He's not familiar. Ngayon ko pa lang s'ya nakita dito sa campus.
"Will you please leave me fucking alone," iritadong sabi ni Selene. "Talagang pumunta ka pa dito para lang mang-gago."
The man laughed. "Well... it's not everyday to get the news that you're broken-fucking-hearted. I want to amaze myself."
"Fuck you!" Selene glared at him.
"No, dear. We're cousins." The man's laughter roared in the room. "Damn. You're really pissed." Mukhang tuwang-tuwa at aliw na aliw s'ya.
Icen chuckled then tapped the man's shoulder. "Ae, she got it bad," he shook his head. He got this playful smirk on his lips.
The two reminds me of Kuya Barque and Stella. Ganyan ang magkapatid kung makapang-asar. Nakaka-asar talaga.
"So, you're really in love with the doctor?" Mapang-asar pa rin na tanong ng lalaki na tinawag na 'Ae'. Hindi sumagot si Selene kaya tumawa pa ulit ang dalawang lalaki.
I got confused. I thought that Selene's with Icen? Bakit inaasar nilang dalawa si Selene na broken hearted?
"Told you, man. Malakas tama n'yan kay Doc," tawa ni Icen.
"Is he good, dear Selene? So good to tame you?" Ae continued.
"Leave me the fuck alone, asshole!" Selene hissed. "One more word and I will call Vanica to whip your ass."
"Are we playing dirty here?" Icen smirked.
They went on with their chitchats. I feel embarrassed for listening to the first parts of their conversation. I chose to plug in my airpods and entertained myself with funny videos on the internet.
The room slowly got filled in. The men with Selene stayed all thoughout the class. Icen was acknowledged by the professor. Dahil sa presensya ng direktor, tinapos ng professor ang buong oras n'ya hindi tulad ng karaniwang ginagawa sa first day ng klase. Tahimik din ang mga kaklase ko at panay sulyap sa gawi nilang tatlo.
Wala na akong ibang subjects pa na kaklase ko si Selene.
Usap-usapan agad ng lahat ang tungkol sa dalawang lalaki na kasama ni Selene. Kung anu-ano na naman ang masasamang haka-haka nila tungkol kay Selene Amante.
Gusto ko sana na ipagtanggol s'ya at sabihin na mali ang iniisip nila at pinsan ni Selene Amante iyong lalaki pero hindi ko magawa. I don't have the courage to speak up.
After the first day of school, Selene never showed up on our classes unless we have major examinations. Hindi na sila nakikitang magkasama ni Icen Corpus.
During the Christmas break, I shared that story with Ate Eve, Mom and I are helping Tita Beatrice for the party she's preparing for the whole family. Wala si Stella dahil nasa ibang bansa pa para sa mga brand endorsements n'ya, kaya si Ate Eve ang madalas na nakakasama at nakakausap ko.
"Amante? Is she related with the Amante Group of Companies?" Kuya Barque asked. Hindi ko alam na nakikinig pala s'ya sa usapan namin.
Ngayon ko pa lang naisip ang bagay na iyon. Related ba s'ya kay Trey Amante?
"Doesn't matter. What imnportant is Hannah's starting to have friends now," Ate Eve smiled.
The topic about Selene got dismissed. At hindi na din s'ya nabalik sa isip ko until one fateful night.
I am in a black bodycon straight neck dress Stella bought for me. I'm here on a high end nightclub in Taguig with some friends.
Glaiza, one of the cheerleaders, approached me and befriended me. I know that she's only using me to copy my notes for some subjects, but I can't deny that I felt happy when she did that. Since I became friends with one of the populars in the campus, may ibang mga nakikipag-usap at nakikipagkaibigan na sa akin. May benefit na nakuha rin ako sa pakikipagkaibigan n'ya.
Glaiza introduced me to her famous friends from the cheerleading squad and the basketball varsity. Owen, the point guard, instantly flirted with me. We're around the same age and he found me appealing.
Owen is goodlooking, a tall dark and handsome man, and he obviosly have the sex appeal. But growing up with my brother and cousins, I found him normal. I don't feel kahit katiting na kilig sa kanya. He's tall but my Kuya is taller than him.
I don't feel comfortable with them but I tried to go with the flow. And now, I got invited to a party to celebrate with them. I feel awkward being seated between two men. Lalo pa at hinaharot nila ako.
Owen offered me a glass of whiskey. I politely declined. I am not new to bars and clubs, but I am a light drinker. And I don't want to test my limit tonight. My Kuya and cousins are not here for me.
"I only drink margarita," I shyly said.
I went to few social mixer with Stella and Ciara, so somehow I know how to be normal around people. Nabawasan kahit paano ang pagiging socially awkward ko.
Their party was kind of fun. Panay ang kuwento at tawanan. Madami ang humalo sa table namin. May ilang cebrity pa. Compared to the nightouts I have with my family, this one feels immature. I grimaced to some pairs who started to be touchy and sensual with each other.
After three glasses of margarita, I am planning to go home.
"Here," Owen smirked while handing me the fourth glass of margarita.
I shook my head. "I can't. I need to go."
Owen pouted. "Come on, Hannah. You want to be with us, right?"
I feel more uneasy with his coercion. Inilapit n'ya pa nag baso sa labi ko.
I was about to give in and receive the glass. Mas nakakailang na ganitong s'ya pa ang naglalapit ng baso sa labi ko. After this, uuwi na ako kahit hindi na magpaalam pa sa kanila.
Suddenly, someone snatched the glass from Owen's hand. My jaw dropped when I realized that it's Selene Amante. She's on a formal gown and looking more stunning than usual. The varsity players noticed her then stood up, towering over her.
"What's wrong with you!" Owen shouted at Selene who didn't even flinch. She's not intimidated or anything.
I was still dumbfounded when Selene pushed her way through me. She pulled me up. "Let's go," she said in a firm and irritated voice.
Owen tried to stop Selene from taking me by grabbing her arm, but the hand he's using to grab Selene has been grabbed by another man. Nakita ko ang higpit ng hawak ng bagong lalaki doon kaya napabitiw s'ya sa braso ni Selene.
Itinuloy ni Selene ang paghila sa akin nang makakawala s'ya. We made some distance and when I looked back, I saw a man in a black suit. Nakikipagsukatan s'ya ng tingin sa mga varsity players.
The players are tall and muscled, but the man in the suit is tall and his body looks firm even on his formal suit. Tindig n'ya pa lang, intimidating na, dinagdagan pa ng matigas na ekpresyon ng mukha n'ya at pagkakakuyom ng panga ay mukhang handa s'ya na lumaban sa grupo nila Owen.
Unti-unti nang gumapang ang takot at kaba sa sistema ko.
"Get out of here, Sari," the man in the black suit said in a firm and manly tone.
Hinila pa ulit ako ni Selene para mas lalong dumistansya. My anxiety caught up and I started crying. I can't help but feel scared.
Dahil sa akin, baka mapahamak ang lalaki. Kahit na maganda ang pangangatawan n'ya at mas malaki s'ya kila Owen, madami pa din ang kakalabanin n'ya.
Ayoko na may napapahamak nang dahil sa akin!
Pito sila Owen nagyon. Ano'ng laban ng isang tao sa kanila?!
Natauhan lang ako sa pagkakatulala ko nang hawiin ni Selene ang mga kamay ko na hindi ko namalayang nakahawak na sa braso n'ya.
"We made it clear that we won't see each other again," Selene talked to the man in suit.
I looked around and saw that the club's security took over. I saw Owen's group knocked out. May dalawang bagong kausap na rin si Selene maliban sa lalaking naka-suit.
"You don't even noticed I was here. I am here for my job. Stop sweating about it," the man in the suit said dismissively.
I stared at him. I checked every corner of his face. He's unscathed. Did he... did he manage to take care of Owen's group? Seven people all by himself?
I blinked when Selene huffed. Saka pa lang ako natauhan.
"T-Thank you," I said in a small voice.
Selene turned to me. She held me by the shoulders. "Are you stupid?!" she hissed. "Why are you with them? Everybody knows that they're not good people! You willingly let yourself be their plaything? Who knows what could have happen if I wasn't there?" galit na sigaw n'ya sa akin.
My lips parted when I saw how tears brimmed her eyes. She looks genuinely scared and I can feel her concern.
Her words made me realized how stupid I've been, coming in this place with people I barely knew. And if she's not here, baka napahamak na talaga ako.
I broke down and let my tears freely escape my eyes. I am scared! Shit, I am so stupid. Pinapahamak ko na naman ang sarili ko.
I was pulled from my anxious thoughts when I felt gentle caresses on my arms. When I looked up, I saw a man gently looking at me. "Hey," even his voice was gentle and soothing. "It's okay. You're safe now."
My heart skipped a beat. His gentle smile took my breath away. I feel like drowning on his eyes.
Naalala ko lang na huminga nang bawiin n'ya ang titig sa mga mata ko. Bumaling s'ya sa bandang kanan. "Hug her, Selene," utos n'ya.
"H-Huh?" Selene asked.
"Hug her," he said in a firmer tone. The tone he's using on Selene was far from the gentle tone he used on me. "Make her feel that she's safe," he gently added.
And my world just stopped. Kusa nang tumigil ang mga hikbi ko. Natigil ang utak ko sa pag-iisip ng ibang bagay. All I can think of is the man in front of me. Kailangan ko pa s'yang tingalain dahil sa tangkad n'ya at tuwid na s'yang nakatayo ngayon.
He's in a formal shirt with sleeves rolled to his arms. His hair was perfectly messed up which gave him more appealing aura. And he's taking my breath away.
Natigil ang paninitig ko sa lalaki nang yakapin ako ni Selene. Her touch calmed me.
Umalis na kami sa club at pumunta sa malapit na convenient store. Selene told us the story. How she saw Glaiza putting some drugs on the drink Owen was forcing me to drink.
"Thank you," I sobbed.
I can't imagine what could have happen if not for Selene.
I tightly shut my eyes to stop my thoughts. Ayoko nang balikan ang araw na iyon.
Selene offered to give me a ride home. Sobra-sobra na ang mga ginagawa nila para sa akin, pero hindi ko magawang tanggihan ang alok n'ya. Bukod sa natatakot ako kung mag-ta-taxi nang ganitong oras, may isang parte ko na gusto na mas makasama pa si Carrack.
I learned that his name is Carrack, and he's Selene's older brother. Kaya magkahawig silang dalawa.
I was silent the whole duration of the drive. Carrack opened the backseat door for me. Inalalayan n'ya pa ako sa pag-upo sa sasakyan n'ya.
This is bad. He's taking my breath away with all his moves.
He's a gentleman.
With what happened, I don't think that going home will be a good idea. I don't want my mother to see my swollen eyes. Kuya's on an out of town conference. I'm sure he won't mind if I use his unit for tonight kaya doon ako sa condo tower n'ya nagpahatid.
Parang gusto ko na pigilin ang oras nang tumigil na ang sasakyan sa harap ng building.
"T-Thank you," I shyly said. Ngayon na nasa akin ang atensyon n'ya at hindi na s'ya abala sa pagmamaneho, hindi ko na magawa na tumingin pabalik sa kanya.
I'm sure I am blushing, and it's not because of my crying!
I took a quick glance at Carrack. He gave me a tight smile and nodded. "Are you sure you're fine here? Selene can escort you until you're with a family," he offered. His voice was so gentle whenever he's talking to me. He's like my lullaby. But I don't think I'll ever fall asleep with his voice. Hindi ko gugustuhin na matulog mapakinggan lang s'ya na nagsasalita. Kahit pa maging isang malaking eyebags na ang mukha ko ay ayos lang kung ang patuloy na pakikinig naman sa malambing na boses n'ya ang kapalit.
Oh my God! Ngayon, pakiramdam ko ay nababaliw na talaga ako.
"O-Okay na 'ko rito. S-Salamat nang madami," pinilit ko na ngumiti at nagmamadali nang bumaba ng sasakyan. Pakiramdam ko ay aatakihin na ako kung magtatagal pa ako sa loob ng sasakyan n'ya. My heart is beating wildly. "Thank you ulit." I smiled at them before shutting the door of Carrack's car.
Hawak ang bandang dibdib ko, nagmamadaling pumasok na ako sa building. Nang nasa loob na ako ay lumingon ako sa labas. Nakita ko na saka pa lang umandar ang sasakyan ni Carrack.
What the heck is this?
Ramdam na ramdam ko ang lakas ng hampas ng puso ko sa dibdib ko.
I texted Kuya to let him know that I am here. Gising pa s'ya at tinawagan ako. Idinahilan ko na lang na inaantok na ako at mas malapit itong unit n'ya kaya dumito na muna ako tumuloy. Alam n'ya na may lakad ako ngayong gabi kaya hindi na s'ya masyadong nagtanong pa. Sinabihan n'ya din ako na s'ya na ang bahala na magsabi kay Mommy at magpahinga na ako.
I checked Kuya's closet. Baka may puwede akong hiramin na damit n'ya. Napataas ang kilay ko nang makita ang isang parte ng closet n'ya na puro mga damit ng mga babae.
Hmm. Is he keeping a woman with him? Ate Kyla?
Madalas si Ate Kyla na bumibisita sa bahay namin. Katrabaho s'ya ni Kuya at isa rin s'yang doktor. Ang sabi ni Mommy ay wala raw problema sa kanya kung makakatuluyan ni Kuya si Ate Kyla dahil desenteng babae naman ito at galing din sa disenteng pamilya.
Nakita ko na may t-shirt sa pambabaeng damit na kasya sa akin. May tag price pa kaya iyon na lang ang pinili ko. Babayaran o papalitan ko na lang ng bago. May unused panties rin at shorts na kasya sa akin. Ang hindi lang kasya sa akin ay ang bra. Maliit ang cup ng babae ni Kuya.
So it's not Ate Kyla. She got double D's, I think.
I took pictures of the clothes I am borrowing then sent it to my brother. He replied right away. Pumayag naman s'ya at h'wag ko na raw alalahanin na palitan pa ang kahit na ano.
I took a quick shower then I dried my hair. Hanggang sa nakahiga na ako sa kama ni Kuya ay hindi s'ya mawala sa isip ko. Hindi ko alam kung dapat ba na ipagpasalamat ko iyon o hindi. Dahil sa pag-okupa n'ya sa isip ko, hindi ko masyadong naiisip ang kapahamakan na dinulot ko sa sarili kanina. Pero ngayon naman, para akong kinikiliti na ewan habang naiisip ang titig n'ya, ang malambing at marahang tinig n'ya, ang bango n'ya...
Hannah, calm down. You just met the man. Uulit ka na naman ba?
Right. Ni hindi pa nga ako maayos sa ngayon. I shouldn't be thing of things like this.
But...
Shit. I can't rid Carrack off my mind.
This is insane.
Kuya's words played on my mind. I once asked him how he's able to love again after failing couple of times.
"We will all die one day, so why not live life to the fullest? And one part of a happy life is loving someone freely. Giving everything and all... If love fails, and it did failed me... but at least I tried. And I will try again."
"Why? Aren't you tired of failing again and again?"
I remembered how melancholic Kuya's smile was that time.
"Because loving her is life itself. She's the one for me. My ultimate happiness. And if loving her will hurt me over and over... again and again, I'll gladly burn for her. Because loving her is better than not living at all."
My brother got whipped. The woman he met after Marron made him a fall so deep he's unable to get over it. That love failed him twice already, but he keeps on holding to it. I don't know if it's because he loved that woman during his most vulnerable time, but he's completely in love with her. And I hope for him to get over that. But I don't think that will happen any time sooner. My brother is so in love.
And keeping her clothes here in his unit, he got no plan of moving on.
Carrack managed to appear on my mind once more. Paano pala kung s'ya ang 'the one' ko?
It's been a long time since I last felt like this. This... my heart skipping some beats, feeling lightheaded with a simple glance, being euphoric hearing his voice...
This is bad. I should stop this insanity.
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October 14, 2020