Hindi ko na alam kung ilang oras na ba akong nakatulala rito sa garden. Tinatanaw ko ang mga bulaklak na sobrang ganda. It makes me calm just by staring them. It gives me comfort. I smiled when I remember my Mom who really loves flower. She loves taking care of them and I was always helping her in our garden.
Unti unting nawala ang ngiti sa labi ko at napalitan ito ng lungkot, when I remembered someone again who loves flowers too.
Alam kong malaki ang kasalanan ko sakaniya. Sobrang laki na hindi ko alam kung paano ako babawi sakaniya kapag nagkita kami ulit. Iniwan ko siya at hindi ko alam kung kailan ko ba siya mababalikan at makukuha ulit.
"Rej."
I wiped my tears when I heard Ritsumi's voice behind my back. Tumayo ako atsaka ko siya hinarap. I was surprised to see her wearing formal clothes with her bag. Aalis na ba siya?
"What?" I asked.
"Magpapaalam na ako. Aalis na ako."
Lumapit ako sakaniya at hinawakan ko agad ang mga kamay niya. Umiwas siya ng tingin sa akin at hindi nakawala sa paningin ko ang pagirap niya.
"Sasama ako. Isama mo 'ko." I said, trying my luck again. Baka ngayon pumayag na siya. Baka naaawa na siya ngayon at isama niya na ako.
"Still no, Reginy."
"Sumi, please. Nagmamakaawa na ako. Isama mo na ako habang pwede pa. Habang natutulog pa siya sa taas. Pwedeng pwede natin siyang takasan. Ihatid mo 'ko kay Kuya Red."
Alam kong once na makasama ko si Kuya Red ay pwede na ulit akong makawala sakaniya. Pwede na ulit akong magtago. Si Kuya Red lang naman ang kailangan ko at gawing armas laban kay Ryoga.
"Hindi, Rej. Ayusin niyo muna ang relasyon niyo ni Ryoga bago mo siya iwanan."
"Relasyon? Wala ng magandang relasyon ang namamagitan sa aming dalawa. He ruined everything. The friendship, the trust. Lahat! Wala na kaming dapat ayusin pa."
I almost cried remembering everything. How closed we were before then everything got fucked up. Masakit pa rin sa akin ang lahat at pakiramdam ko, hinding hindi na mawawala sa akin ang sakit. Betrayal is the most painful thing for me.
"Meron. Sapalagay mo ba ikukulong ka niya rito nang walang dahilan?"
"Dahilan? Malamang ang dahilan niya ay ang ikulong lang ako rito kasama siya! Baka nga gawin niya pa ulit sa akin kung anong ginawa niya noon e! Gusto mo bang mangyari 'yon? Ritsumi, I can't. Ayoko na."
Araw araw kada magigising ako at nandirito siya ay damang dama ko ang takot sa puso ko. Takot na ulitin niya kung anong ginawa niya noon. If he's still the same person six years ago, he can do it again.
"Hindi mo ba naiisip na nasa peligro ako habang kasama siya? My life's in danger!"
Binitawan niya ang mga kamay ko at binitbit ang bag niya. She smiled at me and I feel so down with that smile.
"I'm sorry, Rej. Kahit gustuhin ko mang isama ka kung saan ako pupunta ay hindi pwede."
"Hindi na ba magbabago ang desisyon mo?"
"Hindi na. Kahit anong gawin mong pagmamakaawa, I won't help you. Mauna na 'ko. Malamang nag hihintay na sa akin ang alaga ko."
Alaga? Sinong alaga? Aso ba?
"Nga pala, if you have some time please take a look of this."
May kinuha siya sa sling bag niya at inabot niya ito sa akin. It's a usb.
"Anong meron dito?"
"Maybe that would help. Just take a look. If you have questions, wala na ako para sagutin ka so just ask Ryoga."
Tinalikuran niya na ako at nag lakad palayo. Napatitig ako sa usb na binigay niya at binulsa na lamang. Hindi ko naman mache-check 'to dahil wala naman akong laptop or computer dito. I won't bother to ask one kay Ryoga. Bumalik na lamang ako sa kinauupuan ko kanina at inisip ang anak ko.
Ang anak naming dalawa.
I looked up the sky and sadly smiled when I remember how much he loves playing kite. Silang dalawa ni Kuya Red. They always love to go outside, sa mga maliliit na kabundukan at magpalipad ng mga sarangola.
He is five years old and he's a very smart boy. He is kind too. He's always happy and he's friendly sa kahit na sinong bata na makilala niya. I won't deny the fact that he looks like his father mixed with me. He got both of our genes. Laking pasasalamat ko nalang talaga na may nakuha siya sa akin at hindi purong pagmumukha lamang ni Ryoga ang makikita sakaniya.
Nawala ang ngiti sa labi ko nang maalala ko rin kung paano namin siya iniwan ni Kuya Red sa isang ampunan. Ayokong iwanan siya but we didn't have any choice. His father is looking after me at nadadamay ang bata sa pag lilipat ko. It's not normal for a mother and a child to change their household every week.
Matalinong bata si Ivan and he started questioning me every time we move. Kaya naisipan namin ni Kuya Red na iwan siya. I even lied to him.
Ang sabi ko noon sakaniya ay bibili lamang ako ng laruan at babalikan siya, but I haven't come back. It pains me thinking every day that maybe he is waiting for me. Waiting na balikan ko siya at kunin ulit.
Tumulo ang luha sa mga mata ko nang marinig ko sa isip ko ang hagikhik niya. It's like a music to my ears. Naiinis nga lang ako minsan dahil medyo katunog niya ang tawa ng punyeta niyang ama!
"I miss you so much anak." I whispered.
Hanggang ngayon kapag naiisip ko kung paano ako nag desisyon noon na magpakamatay ay sising sisi ako. Dahil sa takot na buntis ako ay tumalon ako sa tulay para tapusin ang buhay ko, naming dalawa.
I always ask forgiveness to God for doing that sin. I realized, anong pinagkaiba ko kay Ryoga? Pareho lang kaming magiging kriminal kung patuloy kong pipiliin na kitilin ang buhay ko dahil sa katanungang baka buntis ako. I thank God for bringing Kuya Red that time in the river.
He was the one who saved me. He was the one who stayed by my side when I got no one. Kaya ganon na lamang ang pasasalamat ko sakaniya. Tatanawin kong malaking utang na loob sakaniya ang lahat ng itinulong niya sa aming mag ina.
"What are you doing here?"
Hindi ko siya nilingon kahit ramdam ko na ang presensya niya sa likuran ko. Nagising na rin pala siya sa wakas. Akala ko pa naman habang buhay na siyang matutulog which I would love to.
He sat beside me at umurong ako sa kabilang banda. I don't want to get near with this fucking criminal. A fucking rapist and a drug addict!
"Have you eaten breakfast?" He sounds normal.
Okay na ba siya? But wait, the fuck I care ba? Wala naman akong pakialam sakaniya.
"Hey. I'm asking you."
I saw on my peripheral that he's looking at me. Nakatingin lang ako sa harapan, not minding him.
"Reginy, bingi ka na ba? Huy! Multo na ba ako? Hindi mo na ba ako nararamdaman?"
If he thinks he's funny, well he is not! He is so annoying!
"Kapag hindi ka nagsalita, hindi ka makakatae mamaya."
Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin and he smiled at me.
"Bet you're scared na hindi ka makatae."
"Do you think you're funny?" I asked at sumeryoso ang mukha nito. "Don't act like we don't have problems with each other."
Tumayo ako sa pagkakaupo ko at akmang aalis na nang hawakan niya ang kamay ko. Agad akong bumitaw sakaniya, feeling disgusted.
I started to walk away but he stopped me again by hugging me behind. Nanigas ang katawan ko dahil sa yakap na 'yon. I heard his small sobs which made me confused.
Why the hell this demon is crying? Hindi siya ang tipo ng taong iyakin!
Hinayaan ko siyang umiyak habang nakakapit pa rin sa akin. I don't know nor have any idea kung bakit siya nagdadrama ngayon. Is this the side effect ng pagdodroga niya?
"We have a kid." He suddenly said at nanlaki ang mga mata ko. "Ivan." He added.
Humiwalay siya sa pagkakayakap niya sa akin at hinarap ko siya. My heart started beating so fast. How the hell did he know about it?!
"Ivan is his name, right? A five year old kid."
"Wala kang anak." I said and my tears started to form at the side of my eyes. "Wala siyang tatay na katulad mo."
Every time Ivan asks me about his father, I don't know what to answer. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko i e-explain sakaniya ang nangyari sa pagitan namin ng ama niya.
Should I say, your father raped me that's why I have you? No! That would hurt him and hurt me too.
I may have him because of his father's sin, but I treasure him as a blessing from above. God gave him to me. Hindi dahil sa nirape ako ng tatay niya, kung 'di regalo siya sa akin ng Diyos.
A gift to make me stronger and have a reason to continue living.
"I am his father!" Ryoga shouted in front of my face. "Where is he?! Where did you hide him?!"
"Ang kapal ng mukha mo!" Sigaw ko pabalik. "Wala ka talagang kasing kapal! Hahanapin mo ang anak mo sa akin?! Bakit? Bakit ko siya ipapakita sa'yo ha?! Why should I expose my child to a person like you? You don't deserve to see him, even an inch!"
"What about him? Hindi niya ba deserve na makilala ako bilang ama niya? Do you want our child to grow up without knowing who is his father?!"
That question hit me. Ayokong maging madamot sa anak ko, pero hindi pwede. Kung normal na tatay si Ryoga baka ako pa ang nag habol sakaniya makilala lamang siya ng anak ko, but no.
I don't want him to know his father. I am scared that he might get hurt knowing that his father is a bad person.
"Yes." I answered and I saw pain in his eyes. "I want him to grow up without knowing you."
Tinalikuran ko siya at naglakad palayo sakaniya. Tumulo ang luha sa mga mata ko habang iniisip si Ivan.
I'm sorry baby but I can't let you to have a father like him. Ako na lamang ang tatayo bilang ina at ama mo. Kaya ko, kahit mag isa ko.
Nagkulong na lamang ako sa kwarto at hindi na ako bumaba pa buong maghapon. Hinahatiran na lamang ako ng pagkain ni Manang Aryan at dito ako kumain. Ayokong bumaba dahil baka magtanong nanaman si Ryoga tungkol sa anak ko. Buti na lamang at hindi niya na ako kinulit at tinanong pa.
"Rej, iha?" Dinig kong tawag ni Manang sa labas.
I stood up and opened the door only to see Kuya Raine with Kuya Luke. Isasara ko na sana ulit ang pinto nang iharang ni Kuya Raine ang kamay nito. Tinalikuran ko na lamang sila dahil wala naman akong laban sa kanilang dalawa.
I went to my bed at binalot ko ang sarili ko ng kumot. Ignoring the two of them.
"Reginy." Tawag ni Kuya Raine. "Get up. We need to talk."
I closed my eyes and decided to just sleep. Wala akong pakialam sakanila. Wala akong panahong makipag usap sakanila lalo na kung wala naman silang balak na tulungan akong maka alis dito.
"Reginy, sinabi nang mag uusap tayo." He said again. I can sense the irritation in his voice. The fuck?
"Hindi ka tatayo riyan?! Ha?!" Galit na sabi niya at walang kahirap hirap na hinablot nito ang kumot sa akin.
"What the fuck is your problem?!" I shouted back. Napaupo ako sa inis at galit siyang tinignan.
"May anak kayo ni Ryoga." Kalmado na sabi ni Kuya Luke.
Nakaupo siya sa couch habang nakatingin din sa akin. So Ryoga told them already, huh? Bff goals forever! Walang sikretuhan?
"So?" I sounded so rude.
"Where is he? Where is my nephew?"
"Why should I tell you? Para sabihin niyo kay Ryoga?"
Huwag nila akong matanong tanong kung nasaan ang anak ko dahil alam ko na ang susunod na mangyayari. Knowing them? Sinong niloko nila?
"I am concerned about my nephew, Rej."
"You don't have to. He is fine. In fact, he doesn't need you all."
Alam kong hindi pinapabayaan ni Kuya Red ang ampunan kung nasaan si Ivan. After all, pamangkin niya 'yon. He loves him so much too. Para ng anak ang turing niya kay Ivan. He is treating him like his own.
"Reginy, kung saan mo man tinatago ang anak niyo, sabihin mo na sa amin. We don't know if your child is safe. Is he eating? Is he healthy? What?! Nandito ka, Rej. Mag isa lang ang anak mo."
I feel offended with what he just said. Tumayo ako mula sa pagkaka upo ko at hinarap siya.
"Anak ko 'yun. Akin 'yon. Huwag kang magpanggap diyan na akala mo ay mamamatay ka sa pagaalala tungkol sa anak ko. Stop pretending like you care!"
"We care about him, Reginy. We'll not go here if we're not." Kuya Luke said at tumayo na rin ito sa pagkaka tayo niya.
"Care? Naririnig niyo ba ang mga pinag sasabi niyo? If you two really care then why did you do that to me?!" I shouted and started breathing deeply.
"Ngayon pa kayo nagkacare?! For six years, I was alone taking care of my child, taking care of myself!"
"Reginy, you chose to go! You chose to leave!" Sigaw ni Kuya Raine and he was about to cry. "We told you to wait, right?! We even searched for you but you were hiding!"
"Wait?! Wait for what?! Kuya, ilang araw kitang hinintay! Hinintay na puntahan ako, tanungin ako, samahan ako pero hindi ka dumating! Ako! Ako pa ang nagpunta sa'yo para ano? Para sabihin sa akin that Ryoga was fine and stable?! That wasn't the first thing I wanted to hear from you! At huwag niyo akong masisi sisi kung mas pinili kong magpakalayo! Wala kayong alam sa nararamdaman ko!"
My tears started to fall remembering how it went everything before.
"You chose to be with Ryoga when I needed you! You chose to be with him instead of me! Don't give me the fucking excuse that you are their family doctor! Maraming doctor sa mundo at hindi lang ikaw!"
"Rej, you don't understand." Umiiyak na sabi ni Kuya Raine. "Baby, please. Let me explain."
"Ano pa bang hindi ko maintindihan, Kuya? Ano pa sa lahat nang 'yon ang hindi ko maintindihan? Tapos, ikaw?" Turo ko kay Kuya Luke na namumula rin ang mga mata.
"Tinanggap ko na, na kung hindi niyo 'ko matutulungan, I would just do an action alone. I would get the justice by myself. But what did you do, huh? What did you do?!"
Lumapit ako kay Kuya Luke at pinaghahampas ko ang dibdib niya habang humahagulgol ako.
"You! You talked to the police! You stopped them from helping me!"
Tanda ko pa kung paano sinabi ng pulis na deserve namin ng justice, na deserve ko 'yon. But he didn't say anything about it. Instead he said that Tito Ryu would just talk to them. For what? Para suhulan sila? Para tapalan ng pera at manahimik? Para walang lumabas na issue tungkol sa kademonyohan ni Ryoga?!
Nang maubusan ako ng lakas sa paghahampas ko sakaniya ay napasalampak na lamang ako sa sahig. I stared at the floor while crying all of my pain in my heart.
Pain that I got from them. Because they left me, they betrayed me. They didn't protect me and save me from the true evil.
"If you have just listened to me, if you have just protected and stayed with me, you two are not here in front of me. Baka kayo pa mismong dalawa ang kinilalang ama ng anak ko."
"Rej, we are here to correct our mistkaes. If you think we really didn't care, that wasn't true. I care about you! I care about you the most!"
"That's what I thought before. Thought you would care, but turned out to be not."
"Man, let's just go back here tomorrow. I'm sure tomorrow, Ryoga has the kid." Sabi ni Kuya Luke at napatingin ako sakaniya.
"W-what do you mean?"
"Ryoga is out. He's been looking for your kid since this morning." Sagot ni Kuya Raine.
"And you know Ryoga. If he wants something, he'll get it in any means and ways." Kuya Luke said.
"N-no! Hindi pwede!"
Mabilis akong tumayo at hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko. How can I stop him from looking for Ivan?!
Kaya ba sila nandirito ay para tulungan siya?! Para mapadali ang paghahanap niya?! Hindi nga ako nagkamali. They want to know to tell him and help him!
Umupo ako sa kama at napasabunot ako sa buhok ko because of the frustration I am feeling right now. What if he sees him? What would I do? How can I deny it to Ivan?
Hindi. Nandiyan naman si Kuya Red. I know Kuya Red will do his best to hide Ivan from his father. Tama. Hindi dapat ako kabahan.
Sabay sabay kaming napalingon sa bintana when we saw a car getting inside of the gate. My heart beat doubled because its his car.
"Let's go. We don't need to ask her anymore." Kuya Luke said at mabilis siyang lumabas ng kwarto ko.
"He found him earlier than we thought." Kuya Raine said before leaving the room too.
Sinundan ko sila at tinakbo ko ang kahabaan ng hagdanan. Napatakip ako sa bibig ko when I saw Ivan sitting on Ryoga's lap.
No!
Ivan's stares went to me and he smiled with his teary eyes. Bumagsak ang mga luha sa mga mata ko dahil sa pangungulila na nararamdaman ko. Ngayon ko lang ulit siya nakita after we left him in the orphanage.
"Mommy!" He shouted and he ran towards me.
Lumuhod ako and I spread my arms widely for him. I hugged him back and I started crying out loud. I missed him so much! Humiwalay ako sa pagkakayakap ko sakaniya at hinawakan ang mag kabilang pisngi niya. He is crying just like me.
"Ang laki laki mo na." I said and I kissed his lips multiple times. "I missed you, anak." And I hugged him again.
"M-mommy, you told me you were just gonna buy toys. You told me you'd come back but you didn't." Umiiyak na sabi niya at dinig na dinig ko ang hinanakit sa boses nito. Para akong sinaksak ng milyong-milyon na karayom dahil doon.
"It's been one year, Mommy. One year kang bumili ng t-toys? I thought I wouldn't see you."
"I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry if natagalan si Mommy. I promise, I won't leave you again."
Humiwalay siya sa pagkakayakap niya sa akin and he started wiping my tears.
"Don't cry. I hate to see those tears. I am fine."
He got bigger and fatter. He even grew taller!
"I love you and I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Ivan." I said and I smiled at him.
"It's okay. I love you." He answered and hugged me again.
Binuhat ko siya at akmang aakyat na sa taas nang magsalita ito.
"Mom, who are they?" He asked and he pointed the three men. Nagpababa siya mula sa pagkakabuhat ko.
I looked at them and Kuya Raine has tears in his eyes same with Ryoga. Binaba ko ulit si Ivan at tinignan niya ang tatlo.
"They...They are your Uncles."
"Uncles? Same with Uncle Red?"
"Yes."
"The three of them?"
Tumingin sa akin si Ivan at binalingan ko siya ng tingin nang hawakan niya ang kamay ko.
"The three of them, Mommy?" He asked again. "Wala po akong Daddy sakanila?"
Napalunok ako sa tanong niya. Tinignan ko si Ryoga at nakayuko ito ngayon habang umiiyak pa rin. That only means, he didn't tell yet to Ivan that he is his father.
"Wala. Wala kang Daddy sakanila." I said.
Ryoga stood up and he walked out. Nakita ko ang pagiling ni Kuya Luke, not liking what I've just answered.
"Ivan, come here." Kuya Raine said at bumitaw si Ivan sa akin. He went to Kuya Raine and Kuya hugged him.
"What's your name Uncle?"
"I'm your Uncle Raine. I'm your Mom's brother." He said and he kissed Ivan's head.
"Oh, really?! Mommy, you have a brother po?!" Gulat na tanong nito.
I didn't tell Ivan about them. As in nothing. Ang kilala niya lang ay si Kuya Red. Ni hindi niya nga rin alam na kapatid 'yun ng ama niya.
"Y-yes."
"Wow! Ang galing!" Ivan said out of excitement. "Kapatid din po ba kayo ni Mommy?" He asked Kuya Luke this time.
"Ah, no. I'm your Mom and Uncle Raine's friend."
"Ah, okay. What about the other guy? Who is he?"
Sabay na napatingin sa akin si Kuya Raine at Kuya Luke. Iniwasan ko na lamang sila ng tingin at lumapit kay Ivan.
"Baby, let's go upstairs."
Lumapit siya sa akin at nagpakarga. He got heavier. Hindi na ako nagpaalam pa sa dalawa at tanging si Ivan lang ang nag good bye sakanila. Dumiretso kaming dalawa sa kwarto at sinara ko ang pinto. I turned on the TV and Ivan is just watching me. I sat beside him.
"Are you hungry?"
"Nope. I ate in the orphanage dahil may dala dala pong food sila Mommy Crane at Daddy Kennedy."
"Crane at Kennedy? Who are they?"
"My parents!" He happily said.
"P-parents?"
"Yes po. You left me and I have no Daddy so they became my parents."
I felt a sting in my heart.
"W-what about me? Am I not your parent?" I asked and I felt so scared to what he would answer.
Alam kong mali na iniwan ko siya roon pero ginawa ko lamang 'yun para itago siya. Para hindi siya mahirapan sa pa ulit ulit na pagtatago namin.
"You are my real parent, Mommy. Faked lang naman po sila." Nakahinga ako ng maluwag sa sagot niya.
"But Mom, bakit po umiiyak 'yung guy na sumundo sa akin? Noong ibigay po ako sakaniya ni Aunt Ritsumi umiyak siya ng umiyak."
"R-Ritsumi?"
"Opo. Kapatid daw po siya ni Uncle Red. Siya po ang nag aalaga sa akin sa ampunan."
What?! Bakit walang sinabing ganon sa akin si Kuya Red?! Kaya ba nalaman ni Ryoga ang tungkol sakaniya ay dahil sinabi ni Ritsumi?!
"Ah...kasi ano. Ah.." Hindi ako makapag isip kung anong sasabihin ko.
"Akala ko po kanina siya na ang real Daddy ko. Iyak po kasi ng iyak e. Sabi ni Auntie Ritsumi kasi, kapag nakita raw po ako ng Dad ko panigurado iiyak 'yon."
"Baby gabi na. Tulog na tayo? Namiss kitang katabing matulog!" Masayang sabi ko sakaniya.
"Ako rin po!"
Inabot ko ang remote ng TV at pinatay na lamang ito. Humiga kaming dalawa ni Ivan sa kama and I hugged him so tight.
"Good night, baby. We'll talk again tomorrow, okay?"
"Opo! Good night, Mommy!"
I kissed his lips before closing my eyes. I hugged him even tighter at kinulong ko siya sa mga bisig ko. Takot na baka mawala siya sa tabi ko.
I just feel so sorry for my son. I have to hide the identity of his father because I don't want him to know what is his father's character.
How can I tell him everything? He is still young. Will he understand? Will he forgive me? Sana kapag nalaman niya ang totoo, maintindihan niya ako kung bakit ko ginagawa 'to.
I just want the best for my son, and keeping the truth from him is what I think the best for him.