Title: Not In That Way
Pairing: Uh, half munchinguniverse and half munchingcomics/kktato. Whatever. It's complicated.
Song: "Not In That Way" by Sam Smith
Genre: Erm, angst
Warnings: Nupe
Word Count: 1,011
And I hate to say I love you
When it's so hard for me
And I hate to say I want you
When you make it so clear...
"Jason, he doesn't love me the way I love him," I say, my frustration growing as I try to explain to my friend the reason I keep my love a secret. "I don't even know if he likes guys."
"Yeah, well, you'll never know if you keep refusing to tell him," Jason points out.
I huff. "No, Jay, you don't understand – he's made it painstakingly obvious that he doesn't
love me that way."
You don't want me.
I'd never ask you, 'cause deep down,
I'm certain, I know what you'd say.
You'd say, 'I'm sorry, believe me,
I love you, but not in that way.'
"Tyler, come on, now. You can't just assume that – you don't have any proof."
"Sure, I have proof!" I protest, crossing my arms and glaring at him. "Haven't you heard the tone in his voice as he reminds me what a good 'friend' I am or tells me he hopes we'll be best 'friends' forever? Friends, Jay. That's all he wants to be."
Tears prick at my eyes. Ah, 'friend,' what a word. A blessing to him and a curse to me.
"Tyler," Jason sighs, resting a hand on my shoulder. "Just try it. Even if he doesn't feel the same, I know he'll accept you."
"I don't want to be accepted," I mutter. "I want to be loved."
And I hate to say I need you
I'm so reliant
I'm so dependent
I'm such a fool
"Tyler, look!" Jason shouts. "You're falling apart without him! The second he leaves the room, that fake smile drops off your face and you very nearly start sobbing. And why? Because you've fully convinced yourself that he'll never love you the way you love himand that you aren't worthy of being loved because of it – but he might, Tyler, because you are!"
When you're not there
I find myself singing the blues
Can't bear
Can't face the truth
"I-I just- I don't want to lose him as a friend, Jason. I can't lose him altogether," I sniffle. "Please don't make me tell him. I don't want to hear the truth, I don't want to hear him tell me the feelings aren't mutual. I don't wanna hear him say it."
Jason sighs, pulling me into a hug. "I won't make you, Tyler. It's just- I just hate seeing you this way."
"I'm so sorry, Jason, but I just- I can't. Thank you, though. Thank you for being the best friend I could ever ask for."
You will never know that feeling
You will never see through these eyes
"Please, Tyler, please tell him," Jason whispers. "For me?"
"Jason, I-"
"Please?" he begs. "It's torture seeing you like this. And anyways, who wouldn't love you?"
"... I guess... I'll do it."
I'd never ask you
I try to take deep, calming breaths as I begin the walk to Kyle's house. What if he doesn't feel the same? I'm 99% sure he won't feel the same! Why'd I let Jason talk me into this?
'Cause deep down
What if he pushes me away? What if he's disgusted by me? What if he refuses to be my friend anymore?
I'm certain
I walk up the path to his front door, trying my best to swallow my doubts.
I know what you'd say
I'm having trouble breathing properly as I knock on his door. So much for deep breaths.
You'd say, 'I'm sorry
Footsteps approaching the other side of the door.
'Believe me
Hands fiddling with the lock, twisting the door knob.
'I love you
"Hey, Tyler," Kyle greets me, happily throwing open the door.
"Hi," I manage to whisper.
'But not in that way.'
"What's wrong?" he asks, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion.
"I- I- Kyle, I- I've been holding this in for a long time because of fear, fear of rejection, fear of losing my best friend, but I- I-"
"Come on, Tyler, spit it out, what's wrong? Are you okay?"
"Yes, I- Well, I- I love you, Kyle."
"W-What?"
"Yeah. And not as a friend, as a- well, a much-more-than-a-friend."
A small "oh" escapes his mouth.
You'd say
"I'm sorry... Believe me, I love you- But not in that way."
Tears build up in my eyes at his words, and I manage a feeble nod before spinning on my heels and darting back down the path toward my own house.
A few minutes after I've arrived home, Jason bursts through the door. "Tyler! Where are you?"
"I-I'm in here," I call faintly, and soon Jason is slipping into my bedroom.
"Oh my Notch, Tyler, I am so sorry, I just- Kyle just called me, told me what happened, said he was worried about you- that jerk! Ugh, he doesn't have the right to be worried about you, not after what he did!" Jason rants, pacing back and forth across my bedroom. "If you weren't in love with him, I'd have beaten him to a bloody pulp by now!"
My eyes widen. "No, Jay, please don't!"
Jason frowns and sighs as he sits down on the bed next to me, putting his arm around my shoulders and pulling me close. "I won't, Ty, you know I won't."
I nod, refusing to properly respond.
"Gosh, Tyler, I am so sorry. I truly thought you would be able to be happy with Kyle," Jason sighs again.
"So did I," I choke out. "I thought- I-I just-"
"If it helps, Ty, I- Um, I love you."
My breath hitches. "O-Oh, geez, I- I'm sorry, Jay, believe me, I love you, but..."
"I get it. 'Not in that way.'"