"I feel so weird... As if I don't belong in this world. Maybe it's the trauma? I don't know, but I feel like something's wrong with me."
"I see. And how long have you felt this?"
Ever since I was pulled in the Metaverse...
"For a couple of months now. But as a figure now, I need to keep up an image too. How do I do that?"
"Only feel happiness. You don't have to think of those things."
What...?
He's right. Don't feel anything other than happiness then. Simple.
"Thank you, Dr. Maruki. I have to go before I meet my new partner. Goro Akechi... How do you think he's really like?"
I woke up to the smell of coffee and curry. It was a pleasant way to start my day, considering that weird dream I had... Well, a memory I had from years ago. I can't believe Maruki helps students at Shujin Academy now. He is a nice guy, but teenagers were never his best patients. He could never find a way to actually bond with them since most of them were thirsty girls trying to get his attention.
I always see him being followed by at least three to four girls every time he comes over for counseling. I believe Akira has been going to counseling with Maruki too. I wonder how everything's going between those two.
Throughout the school year, I'm seeing him improve with interacting with high schoolers. I normally see him have a conversation with one of them until his clumsiness gets the best of him, and he embarrasses himself to the whole school once again like he did when they introduced him.
Hitting the microphone and having it shut down all of a sudden?
I wouldn't show my face after that.
I got myself ready and headed off to school before Akira and Morgana woke up. It was almost an hour before they normally woke up for school. I didn't want to be a bother.
Many people whispered amongst themselves when I got on the train. They all gave me petty looks ever since the break up between Akechi and me. I don't mind it anymore. As long as they don't harass me, I won't acknowledge them. It's not worth my time or energy.
The unsettling feeling from every schoolgirl on the train made the time go slow. Those ten minutes felt like an hour. I got off the train and felt their spiteful gazes burn through the back of my skull. How long do I have to deal with this?
Maybe two to three months?
"Oh, Y/N! I didn't expect to see you here so early," I turned around to Makoto catching up to me. She almost slipped, though, because of the rain. I wanted to laugh, but that would probably be mean. Plus, she looked like she's had enough already.
"Yeah, I wanted to see Dr. Maruki before class began since I won't be able to after school. How about you?"
"I was just about to go study at the library. With exams coming up and Kamoshida's palace, I have to catch up on my studying. I can't risk my scores lowering because of this..." Makoto told me about how she's been having a hard time studying due to her stress on her back with Kamoshida threatening our students and the principal demanding her to solve it herself.
"I see. Have you tried taking a break? I know studying is important, but you'll overwork yourself at this point. I can't help you, but I believe Akira can. He does know how to unwind someone."
"Hmm, I'll talk to him about that tomorrow then. I've also been thinking of something Ryuji was planning yesterday morning..." She got closer. Her eyes sparkled with excitement as I lowered my head for her to whisper.
"He's planning an attack for both of us. Ryuji does have some brilliant ideas at times," She whispered the attack before clapping her hands together and took a deep breath. "Sorry, I got too excited about that. I really want to test it out the next time we head to the Metaverse."
I thought Ryuji wanted to have one with me...? Did we just not match with the star? Now that I think about it, the star never glowed when we told Akira about it weeks ago. Maybe we weren't a good duo?
But even so, it hurts. He just found someone else to make it work like that...
"That's great! I look forward to seeing your showtime. I'm sure it will be a success."
She smiled before we parted ways. I just wanted to sprint over to the nurse's office but there just had to be a lot of students crowding the hallways. Why did so many of them come to school so early? Since when did they care about coming on time?
After the seventh 'excuse me', I finally got out of the crowd and ended up right in front of the office. I checked the windows to see Maruki organizing his office and taking out his bag of sweets. He always liked giving sweets to all his clients. He said they always opened up after a treat or two.
"Dr. Maruki?" I entered.
"Oh, Y/N! I've been wanting to meet up with you. It's been a while since we had our last session, right?" He smiled and shook my hand.
"Around two or three years ago, huh?"
"Mhm. How have you been?"
"I've been good. Just trying to get through school and work, you know? With all these new cases coming up and the Phantom Thieves, it's been a while since I've had a break."
"Ah, the hard work of a detective!" He smiled and sat down. "I've always seen you on T.V until recently. You took a break from the media, correct?"
"Yeah, I decided maybe they wouldn't like me ever since Akechi and I broke up. I normally get weird stares from his fans here at school. Though they don't do anything other than gossip between themselves, which is a relief. I don't want that kind of trouble rising before I turn in college applications. It's the biggest focus for me right now."
"That's great. Always put your education before anything else. Those girls will probably forget about this whole 'scandal' in a month or so. I'm glad you're just waving all this off. It shows how much you've grown from the last time we had our sessions."
Did I grow? I didn't grow by height, that's true. But mentally? Hell, I think I've gotten worse. I barely have the confidence I had when I first began working. In fact, I'm probably considered a weak point to the agency now. I bet they only needed me for publicity...
But they have Akechi now... I'm useless to them now, am I?
I bet they don't need me anymore. That's why they don't assign me any new cases or give me information about the Phantom Thieves.
They think I'm not capable enough to work alone now that Akechi and I broke up.
I'm just useless.
A replaceable toy that's been used for too long.
Not even my friends want me, huh? That's why I feel so useless whenever we're in the Metaverse.
I'm strong though. Achyls makes me powerful...
I'm capable of being alone.
I've always been alone.
Ever since I was a kid, I've been alone.
No one has ever understood me.
And no one ever will.
They'll just use me. Say what I want to hear and use me.
Then it's back to the shadows once more. It's happened again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again.
I'm alone.
Alone
Alone
Alone
"Y/N?" He reached over and grabbed my hand. "Is everything okay?"
I looked at him with a frown. What was he talking about? Why... Why am I here again?
"Yes, of course, everything's okay. I'm just stressed about exams and work. Something's wrong with me, Dr. Maruki. All this stress. I'm just really heartbroken. I can't even think straight anymore. I feel so numb. The pills. They're making it worse. I hear voices. Voices telling me to free them."
"I see..." He sat back with his eyes trained on me. I just pressed my hand against my chest and tried calming myself down. I feel myself crying. What if someone comes in? What if I just break down in front of him? God, that's embarrassing.
"Well, do you remember what we'd say after every session like this?" I looked at him and nodded.
"Only feel happiness. You don't have to think of those things."
"Only feel happiness. You don't have to think of those things..."
You're right. Don't feel anything other than happiness.
How does happiness feel like again...?
"Thanks. I have to go, Dr. Maruki."