☀︎
"Xavier," I say and question if he can hear me over the loud music.
My erratic heart is pounding and some part of me anticipates his reaction to seeing me here, he did threaten me the last time we saw each other. And the time we spoke on the phone, I was in the process of killing one of his men.
We aren't what you'd call the best of friends.
His intense gaze is holding me captive, my gut tightens at the sight of him, "Eloisa."
"Long time no see," I state, my voice stabile even though my name on his lips has me quivering against the leather seat. I fucking despise this.
My mind is used to having the upperhand, always!
A man shouldn't and won't have this kind of control over me, it will be the end of me if I don't stop myself from acting like this. Xavier is a bad man and he does terrible shit, I only need him in my life to track down his father.
He raises an eyebrow at me and the darkness in the room makes him even more mysterious, "What was that stunt you pulled last time we talked? We haven't seen Matthews since."
"He's dead."
"And who killed him?"
"Who the fuck do you think killed him?"
"You find pleasure in killing my men, no?" His alluring voice says and he moves closer to me, his broad frame touches mine and my breath hitches.
Lifting my eyes to his black ones, "This is who we are, Xavier; a product of war."
"The unfed mind devours itself," He says to me and I can't help myself from nodding.
"If we keep running in these stupid circles it will kill us in the end, you do realise this, right?"
"You have a huge part in who you've become, Eloisa."
My mind can't truly comprehend what he just implied, "You don't know my story, don't pretend like you do."
"Pensi di non essere una persona cattiva?" (You think you aren't a bad person?).
"I'm a good person placed in horrific situation. Who the fuck are you to judge me? You're the leader of a mafia, if that isn't being a bad person then I surely don't know what is."
"I know I'm evil, Eloisa. No one expected any more nor any less from me. But you," He pauses and trails a fiery finger up my arm, the action makes my breath hitch. "You truly believe you're a good person. You kill people, torture them, you abuse your power, you manipulate and find pleasure in their pain, you are a terrible person. My mind is just as dark as yours."
"You say this now, but have you ever stopped to consider who made me like this? Have you ever considered who made me this result?" My words can't seem to be stopped and he appears shocked by my declaration.
Oh, fuck.
My fight or flight instinct kicks in and I hurry up from the leather couch, leaving the room entirely. My eyes adjust to the brightly coloured lights flickering through the air, and I hurry down the deserted hallway, trying to catch my breath.
Away from people and their prying eyes, away from Xavier and his way of making me act stupid.
Facing the wall in the back of a random hallway, I try to get my breathing under control again. It feels like I'm drowning. Being pulled back to the girl who had just lost her entire family, finding them slaughtered in the front yard of her home.
Panic attacks happened too often back then, diving into this new life distracted me from my mental health.
Having Xavier here clearly provokes those feelings again, he provokes the weak and pathetic girl in me. The one with no hope for the future, the one who screamed in agony over her baby brother's dead body, the one I don't want in my life anymore.
I chose to be strong, no more weakness, only revenge.
Lately, I feel like I've been drowning in revenge. My nightmares are worse than ever, my emotions are all over the place and adding Xavier to the spiral.
"Eloisa," A voice breathes from behind me, my body stiffens instantly. He can't see me like this, no one should know I have this side. The weak one. "Let me see you, turn around."
"No. Leave," I say, the Italian heavy on my emotional voice.
Oh, how I hate myself.
"Are you okay?" He almost sounds worried, but the emotionless front is surely doing a good job of hiding it.
"I'm fucking fine. You and I don't know each other, you shouldn't be searching me out like this. We're not supposed to act this way."
"I don't give a shit what I'm not supposed to do. Who the hell are people to tell me how a mafia leader should act? I get shit done and right now I feel like knowing what's happening to you. Will you turn around?"
Fuck, I'm almost tempted to let go. I'm almost tempted to open up and swallow my pride, these huge walls I've been building won't allow it though. My head is still facing the wall, but his hand on my wrist slowly turns me around.
Keeping my eyes cast to the floor while facing him, his rough yet delicate hands grab my head gently. Before he has the chance to allow our eyes to meet, I place my forehead against his broad chest.
His fingers start moving in my hair and I relax in his hold, this is so incredibly stupid of me, but I truly need the comfort. I don't even care that it's coming from Xavier Romano, I simply need it.
His lips land on the top of my head and my heartbeat slows down, the emotions are swarming through my mind, too fast for me to grasp any of them. It's been a while since someone held me like this, it's been a while since I allowed someone to touch me in a gentle manner. I usually get a hard fuck and then they leave, no one touches me like this, no one sees me like this. Ever.
Why am I acting this way towards Xavier of all people? Why is it him? The son of the man who murdered my entire family, the ruthless leader of the Italian mafia.
Why the fuck can't I control myself around him?
"I'll drive you home, Eloisa," He suddenly speaks, his voice is gentle and my eyes are closed, enjoying the way he's talking to me.
"Okay," I breathe and walk away from his hold, my body feels cold the second his hands leave me and I scold myself. I'm independent and can handle things on my own.
This was a moment of weakness, it won't happen again. It can't.