Tharn somehow made it back home, lost in thought about the situation he currently found himself in. His relationship was a sham, the only thing keeping him in it was his stupid, guilty nature and now he had discovered that, the entire time, he had very real feelings for his oldest friend.
He dropped his backpack on the carpet and once again fell into his couch, not finding enough strength to make it to his bedroom. He curled into a fetal position and stared at the empty wall, wishing his mind could be just as empty at the moment because the onslaught of emotions was tiring him to a point where he couldn't distinguish one from the other. They were just a jumbled mess, making him feel a paradoxical amount of numbness and pain.
He hugged his knees closer to his body as he tried to line up the events that had escalated to his current predicament. He knew his friendship with Type had always been special to him but he couldn't figure out when things changed for him, or if it was always this way. He shook that thought when he remembered Pina. He loved her. Truly loved her. He never had it in him to cheat on someone he was dating, even emotionally, because the guilt of it would kill him, so he figured it happened somewhere after their breakup.
He remembered how Type stayed by his side for a whole month after the fiasco with Pina and wondered if that was the catalyst. He tried to wrack his brain to remember everything that happened in that month, but nothing jumped out to him. He just recalled practically living on the same couch he was currently lying in throughout that time period till the day Type dragged him out to a bar that fateful night. He widened his eyes, remembering that was the first night he had slept in his room, but what followed after discovering he had slept with Type was pure chaos. Type had told him about the reason for his hasty departure and the pain that Tharn had felt when he heard what Type had been living with for years. He remembered how his heart shattered into a million pieces to think that the Type who he saw as his saviour and his only friend when they were children, had gone through something so heartbreaking. The trauma that Type had experienced is something no one should have to live through.
Tharn recalled their childhood and how Type was instrumental in him figuring out he liked guys early on in life because, when he looked back on their time together, he knew what he felt for Type was more than friendship. Type had been nothing but a beacon of light in his life, saving him from his lonely childhood and helping him discover something so crucial to his identity when he was younger.
He remembered how inconsolable he was for the next few years after Type left without a word and he couldn't get in touch with him. He figured that's when he had moved on from Type. All those years apart had probably healed his heart.
His phone rang, breaking him from his thoughts and his breath caught in his throat, wondering if it was Type calling. He straightened his leg and reached for the phone in his pocket and winced when he saw the name flashing on the screen.
Dinh. He wasn't in the place to talk to him so he put his phone on silent and ignored his call. He had enough on his plate to deal with at the moment so he figured he'd deal with the consequences of ignoring him when he wasn't having a literal breakdown. He tossed his phone on the far side of the couch and curled up into a ball again.
His mind went back to the image of Type smiling at Kemp earlier in the day and he felt his chest tighten painfully. He couldn't for the life of him figure out when his feelings for Type reignited. He didn't see any moment that stuck out to him. Being around Type just made him happy and comfortable throughout. He was sceptical about them getting along in the beginning because of how much time had passed since they last saw each other, but things had gone back to the way they were when they were kids pretty smoothly. Being friends with Type was as easy as breathing for him. Not seeing him for the past month or so had made him feel really uncomfortable, like he was missing a piece of himself. He straightened himself and stared at the ceiling when he realised why he felt that way. It wasn't the friendship that was easy as breathing, Type was the air he needed in his lungs. The realisation brought with it a familiar sting behind his eyes.
He let the tears stream down his face as he felt like an utter fool for not realising his feelings for Type sooner. He was in a relationship solely based on guilt, unhappy and Type was once again snached away from him. He felt more like an idiot at that last thought because Type obviously didn't see them as anything more than friends. It was clear as day that Type was happy with Kemp and that he had probably liked him for a long while without realising it himself. He was never going to be with Type and that thought made him curl back into a fetal position, staring blankly at the same wall again.
Type was in a relationship. Type would never like him back the way he did. He knew that he had to get these feelings out of his system and he knew just how to do that, because he had done it once in the past.
His phone suddenly lit up the darkened room. He had been lying on his couch for hours without even realising when the sun went down. He wondered if it was Dinh trying to reach him again and he felt that familiar tug of guilt inside him. He figured he needed to talk to him after everything he had found out about himself today so he stretched his hand to reach for his phone. He unlocked it and, as soon as he saw the notification, his heart jumped to his throat.
'Hey! You want to hang out on the weekend?'
He stared at the message from Type as his brain went into overdrive. A part of him wanted to see him, but he knew he couldn't. That was the only way he could get over him. He looked up and darted his eyes around in the darkness trying to come up with an excuse. He looked at his phone screen and his eyes landed on the date and his brain finally formulated the perfect excuse.
'Can't do. I'm going home this weekend.'
'What? Is everything alright? No one is sick, right?'
Tharn was very confused by his reply. He needed to play it off, without raising any suspicions so he started typing again.
'Hahaha!
What?'
'You're going home on a weekend.
You never go home on a weekend.
It's not farfetched for me to assume that it might be because of something serious.'
He chuckled at Type’s response and immediately felt his heart squeeze because of how easily he had forgotten about the mental breakdown he was going through mere minutes ago. This was all the more reason for him to follow through with his plan.
'It is for something serious.'
'Really?
Are your parents okay?
Your siblings?
Your dog?'
'They're fine, Type.
I'm going home for exam prep.
I can't be bothered to cook, clean and also study at the same time.
I have some difficult subjects this time. I'm going home so I can concentrate on studying.'
'Oh, okay.
You're making me feel like a bad student who wants to hang out two weeks before finals.'
'That's because you are.'
'Excuse me?
I'm literally 2nd in class.'
'Yeah, that just means you're good at studying. Doesn't mean you're a good student.'
'Touché'
'I have to go back to my books now.
All the best for the finals.'
'Yeah.
You too.
See you'
Tharn smiled at Type's parting words and the painful stabs in his chest resumed as he thought about what he was going to do. He laid back down on the couch as he scrolled through their messages from the beginning and read them through. He smiled, he cried and he laughed as he remembered all the events attached to the series of messages.
He made up a streamlined plan for what he was going to do for the next few days. He reached for his phone and sent Dinh a message. He quickly locked his phone, but his eyes fell on the time before the screen went black. It was already 4 AM in the morning and he had class in three and a half hours. He knew he wasn't going to be able to sleep so he decided to turn to his other side and stared out the balcony window till the sun rose up again.
°°°
Tharn walked back into his apartment after a busy day of filing paperwork and getting everything settled with his university before the exams. He was still in the clothes from the day before, and couldn’t find the strength to change, shower or eat. He felt hollow inside, mostly from everything that was coming and not so much because he hadn’t eaten a morsel for over twenty-four hours. His doorbell rang and he let out a heavy sigh as he pushed himself off the couch to open the door, all the while preparing himself for what was about to transpire.
"I'm surprised you invited me here.The past few weeks felt like I'm the only one in this relationship," Dinh said as he walked into the apartment, annoyed. Tharn hesitated by the door, slowly closing it and walking with his head down towards Dinh.
"You're not even going to deny it? Really?" Dinh asked and Tharn finally looked up at him to see the look of disdain on his face. He wanted to start off but Dinh cut him off again. "Have you just called me here to stare at my face? Say something! An apology and an explanation would be nice," he said, crossing his arms in front of his body.
Tharn looked at the floor and sighed, knowing he couldn't stall. He looked back up and gestured for Dinh to sit down. Dinh stared at him suspiciously, but turned around to sit down on the couch. Tharn followed him and sat down next to him.
"I have something important to tell you," Tharn began, training his gaze at the coffee table. "What?" Dinh shifted in his seat, staring at Tharn.
Tharn, mustering his courage finally turned to look at Dinh. "Let's break up," he said and saw Dinh's eyes widen. "What the fuck? What do you mean?" Dinh jumped up from the couch and stared down at Tharn.
"Let's break up," Tharn said again, not breaking eye contact with Dinh. "It's because of Type, isn't it?" Dinh asked in an accusatory tone. Tharn's eyes widened in surprise because that was the last thing he thought Dinh would say. He also couldn't understand how Dinh even knew.
"No!" Tharn jumped up to a standing position himself, not being able to control the volume of his voice. "Don't fucking lie to me. I know it's because of Type. Did he break up with Kemp and now you want to date him?" Dinh said.
Tharn was stumped. "No, Type is dating Kemp and that's nothing to do with this. Why do you think I'd want to date Type?" Tharn asked exasperatedly. "Because you’re in love with him! And don't even lie to me right now."
Tharn fisted his hair in frustration at how Dinh even knew that. "I’m not in love with him. He's my best friend," Tharn said through clenched teeth, making Dinh scoff. "Please! You think I'm going to believe that? I see how you look at him. I hear how you talk. It’s always Type this Type that. The night I saw you at the bar, you were all over Type. The night you invited me out to drink for the first time, Kemp and I had to literally pry you two off of each other because you refused to let him go. So, don't fucking lie to my face!" Dinh screamed.
Tharn, stunned by that revelation, lost the strength in his feet as he fell back down on the couch. Everyone around him could actually see that he had feelings for Type but him and he felt like a complete idiot for being the last to be clued in on that. "Are you just going to sit there and say nothing?" Dinh asked with his arms crossed in front of him.
Tharn looked up at him, mind still trying to wrap itself around that new piece of information. He needed to make this a clean break. He didn't want Type to take the blame for something he had no part in doing. "No, that is not true. Type is just my oldest and closest friend. This break up has nothing to do with Type. I want us to break up because I'm leaving," Tharn said, taking Dinh by surprise. "Leaving? Where? When?" Dinh asked, sufficiently distracted.
"I'm leaving after the end of our finals. My team and I decided that it would be better if I took a transfer to Japan so we can work together more efficiently. It has nothing to do with Type. I don't know how many years I'll be gone for and you're still in college. I can't ask you to wait for me when we've only been dating for over a month. It's not fair to you," Tharn said. Dinh gaped at him, aghast. "Oh," he said as he plopped down on the sofa himself.
"I'm really sorry for not explaining it better. You see, this is to do with the two of us. I know that your previous boyfriend left you in the lurch and I don't want to do the same to you. I want you to find someone who will love and cherish you. Someone who can be there for you when you need them. I've been too distracted with work to do that for you, as you've seen. I’ve felt really guilty about it. But now, I actually have to leave the country. I can't ask you to sit here and wait for me when I don't even know how long I'll be gone for, or if I'll ever come back," Tharn completed his carefully thought up speech as he reached a hand out to softly touch Dinh's arm. Dinh looked down at Tharn’s hand on his arm and then up at Tharn. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have flown off the handle like that," Dinh said looking guiltily at the floor.
Tharn felt his own guilt starting to consume him so he patted Dinh's arm. "Don't apologise. It's okay. You have all the right to scream at me. I'm the one who’s leaving." Tharn sent a small smile to Dinh.
"You're being a nice guy till the end, aren't you?" Dinh said as he brought his other hand to place it on Tharn's hand on his arm. Tharn had a sudden urge to recoil his arm but smiled back at Dinh. "I'm sorry."
"Okay. What you said does make sense. Let's break up then," Dinh said. Tharn felt his heart lighten at those words but didn't let it show in his expression and nodded. Dinh smiled up at Tharn and moved in closer to him. Tharn was a little surprised and he leaned away from Dinh. Dinh, not discouraged by Tharn retreating, moved closer and brought his face closer and closer to Tharn. "What are you doing?" Tharn asked as he turned his head away, making Dinh's face land on his cheek.
"We're breaking up, so one for the road?," Dinh said as he grabbed Tharn's chin to try to turn his face towards himself. Tharn felt every hair on his body stand in fear at those words and grabbed Dinh's shoulders to push him away from himself. "No. I don't think that's a good idea."
Dinh didn't let Tharn's words or actions deter him as he pushed himself towards Tharn. "Why not? It's just breakup sex," he said as he took Tharn's hands off his shoulders and put his arms around his neck.
Fear gripped Tharn's heart, much like it did every time Dinh tried to be intimate with him. But this time, he had the ground to refuse because they were no longer together. The dagger of their relationship no longer hung on his head. He grabbed Dinh's arms and pushed him away from himself. He got to his feet and looked down at Dinh. "No. I don't want to do it." Those words brought a wave of pent up relief in Tharn because it was something he had always wanted to say to Dinh but the guilt kept him from uttering them so he just went along, hating every touch, every kiss they shared.
"Why not?" Dinh asked, annoyed, standing up to look at Tharn. Tharn felt the pent up frustration of their relationship starting to bubble up from inside him. "Because I don't like it!" He screamed, stunning Dinh. "What do you mean? You don't like having sex with me?" Dinh screamed back.
"Yes. I don't like it. I have never liked it," Tharn said, finally confessing the ugly truth he had kept hidden inside. "What the fuck are you saying?! This whole time? Why?" Dinh screamed.
"Because I don't like you like that. I tried. I've been trying my best since we started dating but I just can't develop feelings for you. I'm really sorry," Tharn said as he sat back down on the couch with his hands in his face, the weight of hiding his true feelings from him finally lifting off his shoulders. "So this is why you're actually breaking up with me? Why did you have to make up such a big lie about Japan then?" Dinh asked, incredulously.
"I'm not lying about Japan. I'm really leaving. But you're right. The real reason I wanted this breakup is because I can't develop feelings for you, no matter how hard I try and that's really not fair to you or to me. I'm really sorry I agreed to date you. I was just feeling really guilty about whatever happened that night we slept together. You told me how your ex left you to get married to a girl and then I put you in danger by not using a condom that night. I felt like I would be a bigger asshole if I said no to dating you when you told me that I gave you hope that people won't use you and throw you away like your ex had. I never liked you like that and it was wrong of me to agree to date you just because of guilt," Tharn said, looking up at Dinh with a sorry look on his face.
Dinh, who had been staring at Tharn looking annoyed, suddenly started to laugh. Tharn felt really sorry and stared down at the floor. "Oh, so since we're both being honest, I guess it's my turn," Dinh said.
Tharn's head shot up, as he stared at him wide eyed. "We didn't have sex that night. I tried, but you kept pushing me off you. I just took off our clothes and scattered them on the floor to make it look like we had slept together. Sorry," Dinh said with an evil smirk.
Tharn stared at him in shock, he couldn't believe the whole reason he was in this shit was all because of Dinh's lie. The fact that he couldn't find a condom in the room finally made sense. He got up and grabbed him by the collar. "Why? Why did you lie to me?" Tharn asked as he tightened his grip on his collar. Dinh giggled and looked back up at Tharn. "I told you that I had liked you for a long time, remember? I just did what I had to to make you date me. Also, I lied about my ex. He doesn't exist," Dinh said it with so much nonchalance, like it was okay to lie for sympathy.
Tharn felt hot rage starting to flare in his veins. Dinh had lied about everything to him. He couldn't believe he fell for it and pitied him enough to date him. As he stared down at the smug look on his face, he wanted to rearrange his face. Not to mention, he had taken Type away from him with his ruse. He remembered how doubtful Type had been about this relationship in the beginning, he should have listened to him.
He didn't have a violent bone in his body, though, so he dragged Dinh out of his apartment and threw him out of the door. "Leave. I never want to see your face again," Tharn said coldly and slammed his door shut.
He didn't make it to the living room as he collapsed in front of the door and started to cry, for another relationship that was based on lies. It all felt like a cruel joke to him. What had he done that the universe was punishing him so? He was glad that the farce with Dinh was over but the fact that he was manipulated into a relationship made his blood boil and his heart weep at the same time. He suddenly felt extremely dirty. All the times Dinh so much as touched him started to run through his mind. He shot up and ran to the shower. He turned on the water and just sat under the stream, fully clothed, hugging his knees to his chest.
Type.
He suddenly realised that he would’ve had a real chance with Type if it hadn’t been for Dinh’s lies. When Type wanted to try being with men, he was single. If Dinh hadn’t inserted himself into the narrative that night at the bar, he could have gone home with Type. They could have talked. He could have realised his feelings sooner. He wasn’t sure what might have come out of the night had Dinh not been there but he wanted to believe that things wouldn’t be this desperate or painful for him.
Through all the pain and frustration he felt, one thing became abundantly clear to him.
He has always been in love with Type.
Through school, through Pina, through most of his life, it’s always been Type and he was too stupid to see it.
A/n
Sorry for the late upload. Beta really wanted to work hard on this chapter so it took this long to put out.
Thanks, beta.
Thank you for the comments and votes! I will try to put up the coming chapters sooner than this.
Thank you for reading!