Lillian was pacing back and forth, holding Zane against her chest, rocking and shhing, but nothing was working to calm his loud crying! He didn't need a diaper change, wasn't hungry, no gas, there was simply nothing wrong with him! He was just simply crying and she was panicking.
She set him down on the changing table and check his diaper again but it was clean. She didn't know why he was crying, what he needed! He refused to latch onto her and leaned his legs forward to help him gas but nothing! What else could there be?
"Zane, stop crying.", she begged him. She was tired, she was really tired. She just wanted a nap now since Zane was starting to be up more in the night now and she had the be the one up with him all night since Ryan had to be up earlier in the morning at eight until two o'clock. Coffee seem to becoming her best friend now. Sure she had naps, but only thirty minutes a few times.
She picked Zane up from the table and bounced him against her chest again, "What's wrong, Zane?", she asked, patting his back. She felt exhausted now and wanted to fall into her bed. Zane was now a month and half old. It doesn't even feel like a month has passed.
Knowing nothing was going to work, she placed her crying baby in his crib and closed the curtains. She put in a CD on of relaxing water sound music. She grabbed her iPod and left the room. She remember tones of people telling her when a baby is crying for no reason why, they just need to cry since that's all they can do and just to leave the room until he does.
She went downstairs and fell onto the coach, putting her ear plugs in. She was tired and decided to take a little nap. Zane always fell asleep after a little fuss and she knew it'll be okay. He was in his crib, safe and sound.
She slowly drifted off into a light sleep, letting the music play.
~
Lillian woke up to the sound of Zane and she sat up so quickly, her head rushed and she wonder how long she was out. She then noticed Meredith on the recliner with Zane in her arms, rocking him back and forth.
Lillian yawned and stretched, "How long was I out?".
"Oh, just about little under an hour since I got home.", she said.
"Is he alright?", she asked.
"Yeah, he was sleeping when I went to go check up on him and now he's just bonding with grandma.", she said. "Go back to sleep.".
"Oh no, I'm fine.", she said. "I-I have to feed him soon anyways.".
"Okay, well feed him and then take a nap.", she said. "You look exhausted Lillian and I don't mind watching him. Even, you'll need to get ready later.".
"Ready?", Lillian questioned.
"You and Ryan have a date tonight. Don't you remember?", she asked. "Ryan taking you out tonight since he works tomorrow night?'.
"Oh jeez, that's right.", Lillian said, running her hand through her tangled hair and yawned again. She hasn't had much time to even brush her hair now. She felt disgusting. Zane had been keeping her so busy she forgot about tonight. She rubbed her neck and sighed, "I'm not even sure if I'm up to it anymore now.".
"Of course you are.", she said. "You need a break and to look pretty once and awhile. Believe me, I know. I had three boys and I always needed a break."
"I'm just so tired now. The beginning was so easy but ever since he turned two months, he's been crying so much lately now and I don't think I'm ready to go back to school in two weeks. I haven't even gotten any stuff for school, new cloths, nothing.", she said. "And how am I going to be able to do school work with Zane?"
"Relax Lillian, it's all going to be fine. You, your mom, and I'll go shopping this weekend and when school comes, just put him down for a nap do your school work or I'll have him. I know this is hard, very hard, but don't give up. I had my first son in college and I thought it was so hard so I dropped out to become a house mother. I know that isn't your dream, so finish school. You can still be the best mother ever." she said. "You only got two more years, they'll go by so quickly now."
"I hope.", Lillian said as she got up from the coach and took her baby from Meredith before going upstairs and sitting down in the rocking chair. Zane stared up at her, his beautiful grey eyes staring right back up at her as she ran her thump against his soft cheek. "Do you think I'm a good mommy?", she asked, not really expecting any answer. "You don't care how old I am, huh? Wanna gave me a smile?' she asked tickling under his chin and he moved, smiling, well he was trying to smile cause every time his smile will come, it'll drop and he'll try again. And he doesn't make any noises when he smiles, so he isn't laughing or anything yet. "I love you so much, Zane."
She feed him and ten minutes later, he fell right back to sleep and she gave it five more minutes since he was still feeding in his sleep before he stopped. She patted his back until he burped a few times.
She placed him gently in the crib, careful not to wake him up. He slept with his mouth opened a little just like Lillian does when she's sleeping. She sighed to herself as she went over to the bed and sat down. She stared at Zane cribs, feeling exhausted but she knew it was all worth it.
She slammed her head down on the suddenly comfy pillow and fell asleep until it was six.
~
Lillian looked at the clock on the Comcast box and frowned since Ryan was twenty minutes late and the movie suppose to start in fifteen minutes and the theater in the next town over. She hopes he's going to be here any second.
She turned Zane to face here, "You think mommy looks pretty?" she asked. She was wearing nice grey and white strip shirt with some blue skinny jean and brown sandals. Her hair didn't look like a hot mess since it was flat irons and she had natural looking makeup on. She doesn't remember the last time she was actually in jeans since it's been mostly sweat pants and a t-shirt for her most of the time since she couldn't wear any of her nice shirts since Zane likes to throw up on her sometimes.
He made little bubbles and she grabbed a tissue, wiping his mouth dry from spit.
"I'm sure your daddy will be here any moment.", she said. The movie was at eight thirty and it's a movie she's so badly wants to see. Ryan should have been off by seven thirty but where could he be at this time?
Five minutes later, Zane started fussing and crying. She checked his diaper and made a 'stink' face at him, "Your such a poopy boys, I just changed you not so long away."
She made her way upstairs and changed him. She laid him against her chest and shoulder, bouncing him until he stopped crying and looked at the time on the clock. The movies started in no more then six minutes. They missed it.
She grabbed her cell phone and called Ryan. No answer.
She scuffed and throw her phone down, sitting on her bed and rocked Zane. If Ryan knew he was going to be late or whatever happened to him, he should have at least called.
About twenty minutes later is when Lillian heard a car pull into the drive away. Ryan's dad wasn't suppose to be home until midnight, so she knows who it is. She rolled her eyes and continued watching the SyFy movies. Zane was laying next to her, his little head on her arm.
She heard the down stair door open and Ryan rushing up the stairs. He came into the room and she glared at him. He held his hands up, "Okay, I knows I messed up. It's just after I got off, couple of the staff workers were watching the game in the back and I just wanted to stay for the five minutes but I just lost track of time.", he said, walking over to the bed. "We can catch the next one or see another one. You look real beautiful to.", he said.
She smacked her tongue against teeth and leaned her head around Ryan, "I can't see the movie, Ryan. I'm missing it."
"So your not mad?", he asked.
For some reason, the questioned just pissed her off but she was just boiling it inside so she doesn't start yelling and upset Zane. She doesn't know why she was so moody lately, but she just is and they messed a movie Lillian so badly wanted to see because Ryan wanted to watch football?
That made her angry. She's here, taking care of Zane all day, while he's at work, watching football. He get to check out of work while she's here, taking a full time job!
She paused the movie and got up from the bed, making sure Zane was safe in the middle of two pillows in the middle of the bed.
Without yelling, she pointed at Zane, "I have an idea, you watch Zane all day while I go work."
His eyebrows came together, "What? I can't watch him all day, he needs you.", he said as he got up from the bed.
"He needs both of us.", she said.
"I'm here.", he said. "Lillian, where are you going with this?", he asked, pinching his nose. "Okay, you are mad about missing the movies. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I just lost track of time."
"I wish I could hang out, have a little break, but hey! I have no friends to be with.", she said, scuffing.
"Whoa, you so do have friend. Your very cool with the guys girlfriends and-"
"Their totally fake!", she said, her voice rising without her wanting to. "They hang out with me because you ask them to. If you didn't, you probably think I'll go insane or something. I don't want friends that you give me, I want real friends who share my interest and stuff."
"Lillian, calm down.", he said. "Look, I know these are because of after pregnancies hormones and such-"
"You're an asshole", she suddenly said. "I never get to go anywhere now, I'm stuck in this house all day. I love Zane so much, but I'm feeling so depressed because I'm so tired. The only human contact I have is with you, your parents, or when my parents come over. You get to work, be around people, hang out with people at work. I'm sure you even stop by your friends houses sometimes and talk about how crazy I'm becoming."she said and mid way into talking, Zane started crying.
Ryan looked at her as if she was crazy and confused, "Lillian, listen to yourself. I made one little mistake and your pissed off. I'm sorry, okay."
"No, it's not okay!", she said. "You don't get it, Ryan! You don't know how hard it really is for me. You get up what? Maybe once a night to change him? It's mostly me that has to get up to feed him. I have to keep an eye on him every second and change him."
"What do you want from me?", he asked, his voice rising now to. "I'm here with you, taking care of my son. Lots of guys my age don't do that, but I am!"
"You could be more kinder and sweet to me! Take me out more often when your not working, have family time outside of this house! You come home, eat, and go to sleep!"
"I'm tired cause I'm working!", he said. "I spent most of the summer repairing houses and working at a restaurant! I didn't have much a summer either, so give me break! We're both new to this! I feel like I'm forty when I'm only seventeen!".
"You don't think I don't feel like that?", she asked. "I'm tired all day, but I'm taking care of Zane. Taking care of a baby not to so easy. And stop yelling, it's scaring Zane."
He huffed, "You started it-", he cut himself off and sighed. "Look, we both need time to calm down.", he said, reaching out to touch her, but she swat his arm away.
"Don't touch me.", she said. "Go to Dillon's house or something, I don't care. I don't want to see you right now."
He gave her a shock look, "Your kidding, right?".
She sat down on the bed and picked Zane up, rocking him to stop crying. "Leave."
"Lillian!", he said.
She didn't looked at him once as she rocked Zane and it was quite for a second. Lillian couldn't help be moody, but what she said was right. She was tired and angry at him. Stupid thing to right over for not making it to the movies, but her hormones were still off the level. She could control herself before, but now, Ryan pissed her off to much.
When Ryan realized she wasn't kidding, he signed, "Okay, fine, I'll be back later though. I love you.", he said, but she didn't say it back. She was giving him the silent treatment. Ryan groaned as he turned around and left.
Lillian eyes stung from tears and she held them back as she brought Zane up to her mouth, kissing the side of his head.