I sat there as I watched as he walked on stage, as he scanned the audience- I knew who he was looking for- as he noticed Gabby instead, as he invited her onstage, and as they danced to Adore You. The smile never falling from my face. At the last minute I knew I couldn't stay at home while the man I loved was only thirty miles away. I threw myself up out of my bed and into my car and headed to the Pepsi Center buying any ticket I could get.
I wasn't seated very far back but enough that my face blended in with all the others. No one knew I was there. I didn't really know what I was doing but I had to see him. Watching him with Gabby made me melt into my seat. The way he was with her longed for me to have a family of my own with him. But that was crazy. I didn't expect him to call her on stage and I definitely didn't expect him to act the way he did with her. But he always had a way of surprising me when I least expected it. The song had ended and he sent Gabby back to Christian but not before bending down to give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I watched as Gabby ran back to George, grabbing his hand and heading off with him. Harry stood back up and faced himself back towards the crowd.
"The adorable Gabby ladies and gentlemen!" he yelled into the microphone as the crowd erupted around me. He smiled, his dimple popping out and I longed to reach out and poke it. I heard the music start up and I knew right away what it was. "Now this is one of my favorites," he started and I could feel the butterflies try to start up again in my stomach. "Sunflower, Sunflower, my eyes want you more than a melody. Let me inside wish I could get to know you," he sang out and I could tell it didn't matter if he saw me or not, during every song he scanned the crowd for my face, or at least that is what I figured he was doing.
I began to cry and he continued to sing. I sat there, my right hand on my heart, my left hand twirling his ring on my thumb. I just sat there watching him the tears pouring freely and singing along every time he said sunflower. The song came to an end and a familiar tune came from the band. This was a cover. He was covering a One Direction song. He was singing Don't Forget Where You Belong. I closed my eyes listening to every word. I knew where my home was. Harry was right, home is where the heart is and my heart is with him.
The song finished and he went straight into another, without a break. It was another cover. If I could fly. I felt like there was a message he was trying to send with the songs but I couldn't be sure. Hearing him singing the words began to send shock waves throughout my body. If this was truly how he was feeling, I didn't want him to. I didn't want him to give up anything for me. I remembered what Nova said to me about what she saw when she went to talk to him. He was high and a mess. Physically and emotionally. And as I watched him sing I could see all the desperation in his eyes.
"I've got scars even though they can't always be seen." I knew about some of his past but I didn't know what I did could hurt him as much as it seemed to be doing. "And pain gets hard, but now, you're here and I don't feel a thing." As much as I was still hurting from my past he always took away my pain when I was with him. It was just something about him. He was the part to make me whole. "Pay attention, I hope that you listen, 'cause I let my guard down. Right now I'm completely defenseless," he sang out. His walls were down but mine were all the way up. He continued to sing and I continued to cry. All too soon the song was over. I had no clue what they had planned next but I wasn't sure my head and heart could take much more.
"I hope you are all enjoying yourselves tonight. I'm having a pretty good time up here. How about all of you?" The crowd cheered and I smiled. I loved watching him from the crowd. He was so alive. It was a beautiful thing. This is what I wanted for him. For him to be happy and enjoy himself without having to think about what drama I might be getting myself into or starting.
"We are going to continue the night with a song that has been pretty close to my heart lately. If you know it, please, sing along," he said as the music started. As soon as it began I could feel my heart begin to race and my feet begin to fidget. "Waiting here for someone. Only yesterday we were on the run," he sang out. He was covering Too Much To Ask by Niall and at that moment I knew he was singing to me. I continued to listen until he reached the chorus. "My shadows are dancing without you for the first time. My heart is hoping you'll walk right in tonight. Tell me there are things that you regret cause if I'm being honest I ain't over you yet," he continued to sing and that was it. I was up and squeezing past the others in their seats.
"Excuse me," I said trying to move past the last seat in the row. The small brunette girl that didn't look more than sixteen looked up at me with a look of shock on her face.
"Oh my god," she said.
"Sorry," I said, looking at her face, confused at her reaction.
"Oh my god, you're DJ," she said, the look of shock never leaving her face.
"Yes. Hello. Sorry I need to go," I said, still trying to move past. I wasn't sure what I was doing but I knew I had somewhere I needed to be. She shook her head, her face going back to normal.
"Yes of course. Go. Go get your man girl," she said moving her legs so I could continue.
"Thanks." I took a deep breath and I took off, once again.
As I exited the room I wasn't sure where I was going but I began to look for a "STAFF ONLY" door, much like the one George took me through in D.C., with no luck. I decided I would try my luck with one of the security towards the front. I moved back to the ticket line. As I approached I noticed the door I so desperately needed. And as expected, someone was right in front of it. It was a young man with short shaggy hair and very fashionable glasses. He was seated, a magazine in his hand.
"I'm sorry to bother you," I said to him.
"Hmm?" He asked, never taking his eyes from the magazine.
"I know this may be weird and you probably won't believe me but my name is DJ Christ and I really need to get backstage, it is very important." I doubted he would believe me and I knew if I really needed to I could just call George but I didn't want to bother him. As I stood there my stomach in my throat the man looked up to me, back down to his magazine, and then back at me.
"You're her," he said looking back down at his magazine, eyes wide.
"Excuse me?" I asked him, confused as to what he was talking about.
"This is you is it not?" He turned the magazine so I could see the page, and sure enough I was spread out across it. In my swimsuit no less.
"Holy crap," I said, taking it all in. George was right. The paparazzi were following me. "Yes, that's me," I told him, truthfully, hoping this would help me, "so about so desperately needing to get back there. I really need to see someone."
"Eh, I'm not sure," he said, his hand coming to scratch the back of his neck.
"Please," I said folding my hands together and sticking out my lip, mimicking Gabby from this morning, and even though we were inside I was desperately hoping a bird wouldn't poop on my lip just for being a hypocrite.
"Okay, okay, fine but if something happens it's on your head," he said standing and scanning his key card, unlocking the door for me. I smiled a wide smile and used my pointer finger to mark an x over my heart.
Once I was past the door my feet began to pick up pace. I wasn't sure where I was going but after spending so much time backstage of all the arenas that, now, have all bled together, I knew this one was nothing new. I quickly knew right where I was headed. I saw the door before me as the hall grew into an open backstage. Reaching that door almost had a feeling like coming home. But I knew, that door wasn't my home. Harry was.
The only plan I had right now was to wait inside the room until Harry got there. I wasn't sure what I would do once he did walk in but I knew it was time to be open and honest. Harry deserved that and even though I feared rejection I also deserved to finally have someone who would love me. The good and ugly parts of me. Deep down I did truly know that that person was Harry. I grabbed the door knob, turning it, pushing the door gently open. The minute the door opened a harsh smell hit my nose. It didn't stink but it didn't smell good either and it was making my stomach turn. I wasn't sure what the smell was coming from until I looked up from the floor.
On the couch sat a woman. One of the most beautiful women I had ever seen and I knew if my heart wasn't already set on Harry I would definitely have a crush on her. She had long brown hair and a face of a model. A face that if you saw it in a magazine or commercial you would have been sure it was photoshop. But it was all real. Or at least it was real in the sense that you could touch her face with your fingers. Whether she had work done or not, I couldn't tell.
"Oh, sorry. I didn't realize anyone would be in here," I said, not moving from the doorway. I wasn't sure who she was or why she was here, but at that moment I didn't care. I just wanted to see the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
"Oh no that's okay. You must be DJ," she said, flipping her hair from off of her shoulder, the smell of her perfume hitting my nose, once again, my stomach continued to turn and I wasn't sure why but the smell was making me sick. I brought my hand to my nose, flicking it with my knuckle, much like Harry does when he is thinking, but in my case, I was trying to move some of the smell away from me.
"Uhm, yeah hi," I said, raising my hand in a small wave. I didn't want to be rude but I felt weird as I just stood there trying not to vomit, but I wasn't sure I would last long with that smell wafting off of her.
"I'm Nicole. Harry's ex," she said, coming straight out with it. My eyes shot up at her and a smile spread wide across her face. She reminded me of the Cheshire cat as she sat there. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe he wasn't looking for me in the crowd. Maybe he wasn't singing to me. I thought he was. He brought Gabby on stage and then sang Sunflower followed by those covers. But then I come here to find his ex in the room. Was it possible that I was just reading too much into it? She stood, walking closer to me, bringing her smell with her. "You're so pretty. I can see why Harry liked you." Liked. She said liked. I wasn't sure why I was upset. This is what I wanted. I wanted Harry to move on. I wanted him to find someone else. He was better off. My stomach continued to turn and I wasn't sure how much longer I could continue to stand in her presence.
"Thanks," I croaked out, afraid of talking and smelling.
"I am so glad I am here. I was missing him for sure. He is such a great guy isn't he?" He was. He was the best guy I knew. He was the only home I knew and now I knew that he wasn't a home that I was allowed to have. And that was all my fault.
"Yeah he is. Uhm I got to go," I said, turning on my heels.
"Wait where are you going? Do you want me to tell him you were here?" She asked with the smile still firmly planted on her face.
"Can you just please give this to him," I said, pulling the peace ring off of my thumb and handing it to her. When I left in Boston I left his sweatshirt behind, needing to give him up, but I couldn't bear to give up the ring. Now I knew I had to give up all of him. He wasn't mine to have and I didn't need any reminder of that. "Coming was a mistake," I mumbled out quickly leaving the room and finding the nearest trash can, tossing up anything I had in my stomach. I loved him, so I knew that I officially needed to let him go. Whether I wanted to or not. I was too late. I left and these are my consequences. I stood up, looking around me, hoping no one saw me. Thankfully I was in the clear. I turned back towards the exit and left. I knew I would continue to long for him but I was glad he was finally moving on.