The emptiness in my chest is a new feeling. I have felt sad before, but this was different than before. It was something I expected grief to feel like. It's a deep loss that presses against your mind as a constant reminder of what you no longer possess.
I lost the one I believed I loved. And I fear he'll never come back.
I returned to the group with my head down and wanted to avoid questions as to why my eyes were red. As expected, nobody bothered to even spare me a look. I want to assume it's because everybody is busy, but Maya wasn't.
She seems interested in talking up Orferio.
In hindsight, Orferio and I's relationship was a strange one. We had the framework for the chemistry of romance, but I wasn't taught to understand how the equations fit together. I understood the concept, but couldn't go deeper.
Oh God it hurts.
The sight of the Cerulean camp did nothing to boost my mood.
I am greeted with the sight of horrifying destruction serving as a stark reminder that we're at war. Their beautiful ships were cracked open like eggshells with thick smoke still rising from the cockpits. Ash floats through the air like snow as embers simmer underneath the hulking bodies of the ships. A flash of silver sends a shiver down my spine as I remember the poles I sinfully and stupidly danced on.
Please God, can you tell me why I'm stupid?
We spend an hour walking through the destruction and debris before finally reaching their official base of operations. We enter a ring of huts made of metal sheets and dark tarps. Small fire pits sit outside their huts with gleaming pots and pans hovering around them. Blocks of machinery hide behind the huts, humming quietly with spinning fans inside its complicated wiring.
The Cerluneans gather around us as we reach the heart of the refuge. Their glittering suits are torn and stained with dirt. Metal masks cover their nose and mouth with tubes snaking around their exposed necks. Some wear protective gloves while others appear to be wearing shiny hazmat suits with their faces shielded with glass. I realize the Cerulean people are taller than us, by at least a foot, with luminous eyes.
Norman turns to us once we reach the center of the small clearing. "If you wish for us to fight in your battle," he begins, the wrinkles of age visible on his skin despite his young complexion. A man with scars of wisdom. "There is something we wish of you."
"As long as it's reasonable," Orferio warns, crossing his arms over his chest. His gaze is cool as if our scene earlier had not mattered to him. It's like he's already forgotten about us.
Shut up, Juliette. Not everything is about you. He needs to be strong now. There's a war going on.
"You must never... never bother us with your foolish feud again."
Orferio bristles.
"Second..." Norman raises two fingers, "you must help us rebuild our homes so we may be united with our brethren in the Warbelt. Third, we must build a means of communication to reach our brethren in the far reaches. Fourth, we will avenge our fallen brothers. We will destroy the Shadows together."
Orferio and Max share a look before nodding. Orferio turns back to Norman and raises a finger for each answer he gives, "Fair enough, that's unlikely, absolutely, and definitely."
Maya watches with an expressionless face. She glances briefly at Nevaeh who watches interestedly from the sidelines.
Norman nods, "That's more than I expected of you." He offers his hand and takes Max by the forearm to shake like warriors. It reminds me of what the Vikings did when greeting a brother. Norman shakes Orferio's arm as well. Orferio says something barely intelligible and causes Norman to laugh uproariously.
"Maybe I was too light in my words," Norman chuckles. "You will help us camp and do Grounder work while my mechanics scavenge our ships for parts to build a proper radio. Simple survival tasks for you Grounders." He turns away as he shakes his head in amusement.
"You just signed us up for manual labor," Maya states, appearing a bit lost.
"Only temporarily," Max explains. "We need to get their radio tower up and running so they can reach their people. We also need to reach my armies and whatever remains of my brother's."
Nevaeh carefully approaches Max, worry hides behind her soft smile. "How long before they... find us?"
"Not long."
The crowd of Ceruleans begins to disperse once the agreement is made. They return to their previous tasks as spare us a few long-lasting looks, whispering to each other in fear or with curiosity. I notice a few small children hiding nearby. They are dressed in soft clothing with hair long enough to reach their shoulders. They stare at us with gaping mouths and wide eyes. It's as if they believe we're the aliens.
Judith comes to us immediately with a sharp look in their glowing green eyes. "You, and you," she points at the boys, "get wood to build fires. The rest, get food. Don't care how just do it."
I wish I was as decisive as her.
"Judith, right?" Nevaeh smiles sweetly at her. "Yeah, hi, you see, I'm not a hunter. I don't do that sort of stuff."
Judith grins, heartlessly. "Nice story. Didn't ask."
Nevaeh glares at her.
"Actually," Maya drawls, turning slowly to Judith. "I used to build a lot of fires when I was younger. Save this man's hand for other things," her gaze lands on Max, "like scaling a fish. That's tough, let me tell you." She laughs nervously but Judith isn't amused. "Anyways, I've got experience with fire, yep, lots of fire. And I would probably do better—, yah know, making fire. Fire's kind of my thing and—"
"Yeah, whatever," Judith cuts her off, shooing her away. "Just make sure the jobs get done, alright?"
Maya bursts into a proud smile before turning dramatically to Orferio. "Shall we?" she asks playfully.
Orferio watches her for a moment before nodding, not bothering to protest. Maya and Orferio walk away from us together and into the forest.
I'd rather be kicked in the stomach than watch this.
On top of that, if anybody is the "fire expert" it's me, dammit.
The fact Maya is gunning to be alone with Orferio makes me angry beyond belief.
I try to remind myself that Maya is my friend and she'd never do something like that to me on purpose. She couldn't do that. I'd never do that to her. Why does she want Orferio's attention now? What will they talk about?
"Is something wrong?" Max asks quietly.
It takes me a second to realize he's talking to me. I glance at him in surprise, unsure if I want to tell him, or at least right now. "I—I'm okay."
Nevaeh raises a brow at me before reaching over to pat my shoulder. "Ah, it's alright. It's girl talk," she winks at Max, "no need for you to worry, sweetie."
Max frowns at her before shaking his head. "Alright then. Let's get to work."
"It's always business with you," Nevaeh teases, brushing her free hand over his hip.
Max's gaze lingers on her touch before snapping out of it. "We have a job to do. Besides, we need their support and—" he begins to explain but Neaveh cuts him off.
"Teasing, sweetheart, only teasing."
Max's gaze softens before laughing in spite of himself. "Ah."
I step away from them, feeling awkward around the couple. Not only does this suck, but I'm also going to be a third wheel.
✸✸✸
A Cerul came to give us our further instructions for hunting which ended up being fishing. He hands us crudely-made fishing poles made of scrap metal and wiring. He smiles joyously as he wished us luck; he was probably relieved he didn't have to do it. We were pointed to a nearby river before they left us to our own devices.
Nevaeh kept a positive attitude despite her previous complaining. She claims fishing was different from actual hunting. She wears a radiant smile which is mildly disturbing. I wonder if I should admire her ability to hide her emotions or fear it. She skips ahead of us with her pole held out like a sword. She glances over her shoulder with a shining smile, her blonde hair shining in the sunlight. She turns into the image of a sun goddess in the morning light.
Max watches her softly as he follows behind her. He holds his fishing pole awkwardly, careful of the sharp edges. "Nevaeh, you don't have to pretend to be happy for my sake. It's alright to be upset."
"What?" she bats her eyes innocently. "Fishing is one of my many hidden talents!" She laughs at his silliness and spins around to walk backward. "I used to fish a lot when I was younger. You should save your hands for other things like skinning a rabbit." A smug smile crosses her lips. Her voice begins to mimic Maya's, "That's tough, let me tell you. Anyways, I've got experience with fish, yep, lots of fish. And I would probably do better—, yah know, fishing. Fish is kind of my thing." She finishes with a dramatic bow before laughing at herself.
I wonder if she's mocking Maya or trying to make an inside joke out of it.
We reach a bubbling river with soft white foam forming on its surface. Shiny rocks poke out of the rushing water wearing furry coats of green moss. The riverbank edges are clogged with fallen leaves, branches, and tall grass.
Nevaeh pauses at the river's edge, studying the rushing water closely. "This can't be too difficult, can it?"
Max kneels next to the water, "It looks simple enough..."
"Hold on, why can't you just make fish?" Nevaeh asks suddenly, looking at Max. "You can just use your powers."
Max looks down at his hand. "I shouldn't waste my power. We can fish, it'll be fine."
Nevaeh pouts briefly and smacks her pole into the water a few times.
I carefully step onto a flat rock inside the river. I stare down at the dark water and then at my fishing pole. "Never underestimate fish," I call over my shoulder.
"We probably need bait," Max comments, picking up the end of his line and fingers the hook. "Do worms work?"
"Maybe? Or tadpoles...?" Nevaeh suggests uncertainty.
I look back at her with slight disbelief. "How are you going to catch a tadpole?"
She hesitates to answer before shaking her head.
"Do fish eat frogs?" Max asks confusedly. "That doesn't sound right."
"I don't know," Nevaeh complains and walks away from the river. She chucks her fishing pole onto the soft grass before sitting down next to it.
Max looks over at me curiously. "Have you fished before?"
"Once, with my brother for his birthday," I answer fondly. "But we had real fishing poles," I held my pole up with a smile.
"We should find worms," Max suggests and walks over to a muddy part near the river. He kneels down carefully and begins digging through the sloppy mud.
I hop off my rock and join him. I am careful not to muddy my jeans and balance on the heels of my feet. I sink my fingers deep into the thick mud and find the sensation satisfying. The feeling of wet mud slipping between my fingers. How it sticks under my nails. The fresh smell of mud reminds me of my mom's gardening phase. The rich oxygen, minerals, it makes me feel homesick.
I hope they are right about no time passing during this time.
Max and I continue our search for worms while Nevaeh wanders off, claiming she has another idea for finding food. Finally, Max and I are left to our own devices.
"Ah!" Max makes a soft noise of surprise as he digs further. His hand is quick as he tries to forcefully drag a worm from its deep hole. It slips between his fingers and digs back down into the earth. His brown knits together with frustration.
I giggle at his expression before refocusing on my own worm hunt.
"Almost got him," he comments, now smiling.
"You'll get him next time," I encourage playfully. "You shall meet again," I add dramatically.
"Yes..." he gives me a goofy smile, his forest green eyes light up, "we shall meet again, young worm."
I laugh again and begin to truly enjoy his company.
We finally begin catching worms and create a small pile on a nearby rock. I give up on keeping my jeans clean and end up sitting criss-cross in the mud. My hands are stained dark with drying mud but I don't mind.
Once I am satisfied with my worm pile, I take up my fishing pole and hook the worms. I stand up and turn towards the river, feeling a bit doubtful of my fishing skills.
What happens if we can't find food? Would the Ceruleans be angry enough to call off the alliance?
"You got this, Juliette!" Nevaeh whoops loudly, finally returning to us after her separate mission for an alternative method of hunting. Seems like she came back empty-handed.
I stare at the river anxiously before Max comes to my side. His golden hair curls at the nape of his neck in an adorable, messy kind of way. He smiles sweetly and lightly nudges my arm with his fist, careful not to smear mud on my clothes. "You can do this."
I return the smile best I can.
Stop worrying about fishing. You don't need to worry about every little thing. Relax, I tell myself.
I drop my hook into the water and step up onto another rock, further in the river. I balance carefully and wait patiently for a tug. Soon, my legs began to ache from standing. My leg muscles specifically hurt from dancing and running in Delirium so I decide to sit down instead.
Max sits down on his rock too with his knees pressed against his chest. He rests his head on his knees with sleepy eyes. He grips his fishing pole tightly as he scans the river, lost in thought.
Nevaeh makes idle conversation with us about the nice weather, the strange bird calls, and the berry bush nearby she recognized. Apparently, it can cause hallucinations and impulsive behavior.
I find myself enjoying their company as another hour passes. Max's comforting quiet helps my nerves relax. If Orferio was here, he'd be causing chaos and probably trying to splash everybody. I enjoy the peace, even if I don't have a choice. I settled into the rhythm of the conversation and made a few bad fish puns. To my surprise, Max laughs at them and explains puns are a guilty pleasure of his.
I smile at him, "Alright, I've got another one," I begin proudly.
Max smiles smugly, "Hit me."
"With what?"
We laugh together and turn back to our fishing poles.
"I can't believe you like my weird puns," I comment lightly.
"Puns are the highest form of comedy," Max points out, "it's why the world can't handle its greatness."
"You've got a point, you know."
"Tell me another," Nevaeh pleads, giggling. She is still sitting on the shore.
"I've got a question," I announced, suppressing my smile. "What happens when the past, present, and future walk into a bar?"
Max raises an eyebrow, "The collapsing of time itself?"
I smirk, "I don't know, but it was tense."
Max is the first to laugh but tries to hide it. He smiles secretly and nods in approval. "That was good."
"That's terrible!" Nevaeh complains but laughs anyway.
"I'll take that as a compliment!" I call over my shoulder.
Max shouts in surprise, scaring me. I look back at him and find him fighting with his pole. His eyes are wide as he grips the pole tightly. He leans back and mouths the words a few times before finding his voice. "I caught one!"
"Seriously!?" Nevaeh practically screeches, jumping to her feet. "Hurry! Pull it out, pull it out!"
I wince at her shout but smile encouragingly at Max, "You got this!"
Max fights with his pole before yanking it upwards. "Come on!" A fish bursts from the surface, splashing the water wildly and jerking in midair as if it were possessed. Max is briefly stunned, unsure what to do before he swings the pole behind him and chucks it at the shore. He jumps across the rocks with beautiful balance and jumps on top of the fish, wrestling with it.
I burst out laughing and watched him wrap his arms around the slippery fish. He flashes us a nervous smile before glaring down at the wild fish. "Come on..." he tells it, "stop fighting me..."
"You can do it!" I call out to him, giving him a thumbs up. My pole yanks sharply, almost spilling out of my hands. I gasp in surprise and try to hold the pole tighter. Quickly, I pull the pole up and a giant silver fish flies up into the air. Suddenly, the fish lets out a demonic screech and scares the life out of me.
I scream back and fall backward. I lose balance and fall off the rock, plunging into the icy cold water. A rock scrapes against the side of my head. Water floods into my mouth and up my nose, choking me. I flail underwater and try to sit up, feeling rocks press against my back. My legs kick wildly and hit something softer than a rock.
I hear another muffled splash and somebody's hands on my legs. I sit up sharply, choking, and struggle to stand up from the current. My head barely comes over the water when I stand on my knees. I wipe water from my waters, blind for a moment, before turning you around.
Max bursts from the surface, coughing loudly and snorting out water. He takes a few breaths before slicking his golden hair back, wiping water from his eyes.
We locked eyes as we slowly recovered from our fall.
I swallow hard and force a weak smile, feeling absolutely terrible about kicking him. "I'm so sorry."
He smiles a little, "That's alright." Water drips off his face but a few are caught in his eyelashes. He takes a deep breath and coughs once more, seeming okay.
Nevaeh shouts from the shore, "Are you okay!?"
"We're fine!" Max answers. He offers his hand to me, still sitting in the water. I take it shyly and we help each other stand up from the rushing current. We step out of the water, soaked to the bone with freezing water. I shiver uncontrollably, gripping my shoulders. Max clenches his teeth to keep them from chattering as he collects his fish still on the shore. Nevaeh stays near Max, asking if he needs anything to warm up.
I rub my arms quickly and in measured breaths, I allow a slow burn spread through my body. I imagine a scale of creating fire and make sure it's just at the tip for me to feel the burn inside without generating real flames. I smile to myself, proud I am learning to control my powers again.
I look to Max who continues to shiver. I wonder if he'd accept a hug if it meant warmth. But I quickly shut down that idea when he shudders, his eyes flashing with power, and he stops shivering.
We begin fishing once again and fall into a nice pattern. Finally, I begin to feel happier, momentarily forgetting about Orferio. For the first time in years, I feel like I truly have friends again.
As I watch the river run wild over the rocks, I find myself smiling, and wishing this moment could never end. For the first time since we got here, I feel like I found real paradise.