I squint in the dark at the text on my phone and then at the time.
*Jake do you know what time it is? I thought you were going to call* I text back.
I watch the three little dots appear on the screen. Then disappear. I wait for a moment. They appear again. Then disappear.
"Oh, for Pete's sake!" I mumble, getting up groggily.
Pulling on my fluffy bathrobe I shuffle sleepily to the intercom and buzz Jake in.
"Hey," I say when he comes through the door. Going to the kitchen for a glass of water I ask, "You want anything? I don't have any booze." I open my pantry to double-check. "Wait, I do have that scotch whiskey you got me for my birthday. But I was kind of saving that for a special occasion." I look down at myself and chuckle, "Maybe when I'm a little more dressed up."
"I'm fine Sloan, thanks though. Uh...again sorry about the late hour. I umm...well it couldn't wait. So...here I am." Jake has his hands in his pockets and is looking around like he's never been in my apartment?
Raising an eyebrow, I walk back from the kitchen with my water. Why is he acting so strange? I wonder. I plop down on the couch and ask, "So, what's up? Are you going to sit or is standing in the middle of my living room more comfortable for you?" I say with a smile.
But he doesn't smile back. Instead, he sits on the edge of my overstuffed chair across from me. He's subtly wringing his hands together, something he always does when he's nervous. Something is up but I patiently wait, sipping my water.
Jake clears his throat and looking up at the ceiling finally says, "So, you know that mixologist competition I told you about?"
"The World Class one? Yeah did you finally apply? Did you get in?"
"Not yet. It's highly competitive, and I'm not sure I have enough experience. The deadline to apply is in a few months."
"Jake, you've been bartending since college. You make the best damn drink in Portland. There's no way you won't get in!"
He smiles. "I appreciate your confidence, but most bartenders have years on me. So, to up my chances, I applied for an apprenticeship. And I just found out today I got accepted."
"That's awesome! Congrats! Wait, so what's the apprenticeship like? You'll do it during the day and work at night sort of thing? You won't have to quit the bar will you?" Selfishly I think how sad that would be, and one too many changes in a 24-hour period to handle.
Jake rubs the back of his neck. "Yeah, so that's the thing. It's not here." He pauses and looks at me. "It's in Europe. London to be exact. Well, with some time in different countries. It's a world-renowned program so I feel pretty lucky to even have gotten in. I'd get to experience different cultures and learn from different mixologists. So, some traveling as well, which you know is on my bucket list"
He seems excited though he's trying to play it cool. I sit up straighter. "What a great opportunity. And maybe I'll come visit you at some point. I do have time now."
Jake's brows knit together. "Yeah, we didn't get a chance to talk about your day. What happened? Did Brett do something? What do you mean you have time now?"
I wave my hand dismissively. "Later. We can chat tomorrow about it."
He clears his throat. "So that's the thing. I leave tomorrow."
My eyes go wide. I wasn't expecting that. No wonder he needed to tell me tonight, I think, biting my lip. The unease in my stomach is growing.
"Oh ok. They don't give you much turnaround time, do they?" I say, feigning lightheartedness. "So, what are we talking about, like a two-week program? Oh, do you need a ride to the airport? I can take you."
"Thanks, I appreciate it, but I already asked my dad. He wants to see me off. And it's...." He takes a deep breath, "It'll be for six months."
I'm speechless for a moment and then repeat, "Six months!?"
Again, that was not what I was expecting. I have Jade to lean on, but having someone outside the family dynamic to help me sort through shit is what I need right now. I need Jake, I think with irritation. He's my rock. During my divorce, I probably spent an equal amount of time curled up on his couch as I did my own. It had happened too close to Dad passing, and Jake made sure I was eating and bathing and doing all the essential things my depressed mind couldn't handle. I need him right now, I think helplessly.
"Sloan listen, this is something I have to do. If I ever want to do more than bartend at O'Henry's I need to get ahead and fast. How am I ever going to provide for a family one day on what I make? I need this." His eyes silently pleading with me to understand.
Nodding listlessly, I'm suddenly feeling very tired, and frustrated, and cranky. I rub my temples as my head starts to throb. Too many changes in 24 hours I think for the umpteenth time today.
"Jake, I'm not your girlfriend. You're not breaking up with me, you don't have to explain yourself."
He looks as though I've slapped him. I feel a pang of guilt and add hurriedly, "I just mean of course I'm so happy for you, how could I not be? I'll miss you for sure, but this is something you need to do like you said. It's just been a long day and I'm not processing correctly."
"Ok, I'll leave you be so you can get back to bed." He gets up and moves to the front door.
I follow him, suddenly feeling awkward. Leaning against the edge of the door, I hold it open as he stands in the doorway. He looks nervous again as he runs a hand through his hair.
"I didn't want our goodbye to look like this."
Goodbye? I wonder, surprised at his tone. Why is he taking this so seriously? I know why I need him right now, but what is going on with him?
"Jake I know we're used to seeing each other almost every day, but there is this thing called Facetime we can use." I smile up at him and say jokingly, "Maybe it'll be good for us, codependency, and all that."
He nods without smiling, looking down at me. His brow knits again as he rubs his jaw. He looks like he's trying to work something out. Then before I know what's happening he dips his head and his lips meet mine. Soft and gentle at first, then his hand moves to my cheek and he deepens the kiss. My body reacts before my mind does, and I slowly open my lips to his, kissing him back ever so slightly.
It's over just as soon as it began. He presses his forehead against mine for a moment, his eyes still closed. Then he steps back with an expression I can't read.
"Goodbye, Sloan," he says quietly.
And he's gone.
I stand there completely stunned and speechless. Finally rousing myself out of my stupor I make my way back inside. Sitting on my bed in the dark I press my hand to my lips in wonderment. Did that just happen? And did I just kiss him back?
Yes, Lara you did, the voice inside my head answers. And you liked it...in fact, you really liked it.
~*~
Pushing my dinner around on my plate I can see my mother's lips moving, but I'm having a hard time concentrating on what she's saying. Glancing down at my phone for the hundredth time I sigh inwardly when I see no new messages. I had texted Jake first thing this morning wishing him safe travels and to keep me updated. I texted him this, hoping to maintain our normalcy.
But I feel anything but normal.
Kissing Jake is not normal.
Not being able to stop thinking about it is not normal.
Finding sleep elusive last night after his clandestine visit, I couldn't stop my mind wandering to other reveries – things slightly less innocent than our kiss. For instance, what it would be like to have his arms around me, his body pressed up against mine with his lips moving from my mouth slowly down my neck. In my mind's eye I can smell his hair, and his aftershave which I've smelled a million times but for some reason now the memory of it was making me hot and bothered...
"Are you feeling well, Lara?" My mother looks at me pointedly. "Do you have a fever? You look like you have a fever." She sets her wine glass down and scrutinizes my face.
"I'm fine Mom." I grab my water glass and take a huge gulp.
"Well, are you expecting a call from someone? It's not as if we see each other very often." She looks at my phone sitting next to me on the table.
"Mom, I'm just waiting for a text from Jake."
She bristles. "Why? You two aren't involved now are you?"
I pause with a piece of steak halfway to my mouth. Even though she's asked me this many times before, it's the first time I feel nervous about answering. I chew it slowly to buy myself time and then say as nonchalantly as I can, "God no Mom, he's on his way to London for a bartending apprenticeship. I'm just making sure he landed ok."
She relaxes but still wears a displeased look on her face. "I never did understand your relationship with him. If you had spent half that energy on your relationship with Brett maybe things wouldn't have happened the way they did."
I stare at her with disbelief. "Brett cheated on me; you do realize that?"
"I know he did Lara. Men aren't perfect. But there is usually a reason they stray. I never gave your father a reason to have a wandering eye. I kept him happy in the bedroom."
I choke on my wine, trying not to sputter it across the table. Dear Lord in heaven my Mother did not just say that out loud.
She looks at me defensively. "You needn't be so shocked. Your father and I had our issues, but we were happy together." She pauses, taking her napkin she dabs the corner of her eye, her lip quivering. She says emotionally, "I just want the same for my girls. Jade is so independent, who knows when she's going to settle down. And you Lara, I can't believe you're already divorced at twenty-five. I thought you were set with Brett. You were the one I didn't need to worry about."
I brace myself when she pauses, wondering what's coming next and if I'll be able to listen without completely losing my shit.
"No matter how the marriage ended, that company is as much yours as it is his." My mother suddenly has a dangerous look in her eye as she looks at me across the table. "We won't take this lying down. Even if you stepped down to acting manager you still have a stake in this company as a founder. We will fight this," she finishes with an iron glint in her eye.
Not expecting that reaction, I flounder for a moment, "Uh...thanks...I...appreciate that."
"I already have my lawyers looking into it," she says with a benevolent smile. "Now Lara the real reason I wanted to see you today is I have something for you from your grandmother." She pauses dramatically.
"Yeah, Jade mentioned that. What is it, Mom?"
She reaches into her Chanel handbag, withdraws a piece of paper, and slides it across the table. I look down and squint at it in the dim lighting.
"This looks like...a deed to a house?" I say, giving it a quick scan.
She nods her head. "Yes, and it's yours."
Confused, I look over the document in more detail. "This says the cottage is someplace in France - a place called Locquirec? What do you mean it's mine? I had to comb through all of my assets with the lawyers in the divorce. Mémé didn't leave me anything I don't already have."
"Your grandmother left something significant to both her granddaughters for when they turn twenty-five." She waves her hand at me knowing what I'm going to say next. "I know your birthday was weeks ago, but these things take time Lara. I wanted to make sure everything was settled before I presented it to you."
"What exactly is 'it' Mom? Didn't Mémé only have her one house in Paris? That's the only place we ever visited."
"This was her other home in Brittany. We never visited when she was there." My Mother looks troubled for a moment. "If I could do it again we would have spent more time with her in France than we did."
It's true, I realize, Mémé usually stayed with us for the holidays. She'd book a flight last minute sometimes, surprising us on our birthdays. She'd fling open the front door and announce, "Je suis ici mes chéries!" or "I'm here my darlings!"
I'm lost in memory for a moment. I can still remember how she smelled, like wildflowers with a hint of lavender. She'd hug us with kisses to our cheeks, her embrace so warm and comforting. She always brought us the most beautiful gifts from Paris. Once she gave me a beautifully handcrafted wooden toy sailing boat. It had real sails made of fabric. "For you mon chérie," she said as she placed it in my hands. I adored it and didn't care that it was a typical boy's toy. I took that little boat and sailed it in our swimming pool every day. She'd join me outside with her sun umbrella. "Tu as l'amour pour la mer," she'd say while placing a hand to her chest. It meant "love for the sea" – just like her she'd tell me. Sometimes I think she understood me more than anyone else.
Tears well up at the memories but I refuse to let them show. "So, Mémé left me a house somewhere in France. Just for me?"
My mother nods. "It's a little seaside town, northwestern France in Brittany. Lara, let me handle everything for you with Brett and the company. At least for now. Take some time for yourself. You and your grandmother were always so close. Maybe somehow she knew you'd need this right now."
I stare at my Mother with surprise, but she avoids my eye, taking a sip of her wine. "Thanks, Mom."
She inclines her head and says simply, "No one is going to take advantage of my daughters."
Reaching into her bag she hands me one more item. "She left you this too."
I take the small box tied with a velvet ribbon and decide to wait until later to open it.
Calling Jade on my way home, I catch her up on how dinner went as I make my way through the front door.
"Hold on sis. Give me a sec." I put Jade on speaker and pour myself a glass of wine. "Ok, I'm going to open it."
She squeals in anticipation on the other line. "A house in France is so amazing! I don't think anything else could top that! Damn, I can't wait till I turn twenty-five!"
I smile as I start to open the small box. Undoing the packaging and ribbon I realize Mémé herself wrapped this, it's done up like so many other of my gifts from her. Feeling a pang in my heart I open the box to see the most stunning necklace. Vibrant light blue stone with specks of green in a gold setting, attached to a delicate gold chain. It's gorgeous.
"Well, what is it, sis?"
"It's one of Mémé's Larimar pieces. It's stunning!"
I go to remove the necklace from the box and find the bottom of the box lifting as well.
"Hold on there's something else here."
Under the false bottom, there's a note and one single house key. Unfolding the note, I see it's written in my grandmother's handwriting.
"Jade, there's a note. It says 'dearest granddaughter. When you are reading this, I hope it finds you at a time when you most need it. An escape yes but more than that. A coming home. I hope to help you 'trouver votre chemin.'"
"I think that means 'to find your way' if I'm remembering right?"
"I think you're right," Jade answers.
"This is all just so unexpected. Sis, what should I do?"
"Obviously you're going! Book a flight and pack your bags sis!"
"But right now? I wouldn't feel right about leaving, not with everything going on."
"Lar now is a perfect time! Life's handing you an opportunity to reset. Take it."
I hadn't thought of it that way. But it's true. In another country, in my grandmother's home, I can start over. No one will know me; won't know I'm divorced with no job. I can be whoever I want to be.
Suddenly I feel hopeful for the first time in a long time.
And it surprises me. Even though my heart sinks at the thought of losing the company I have shed blood, sweat, and tears for, I realize that the passion I once had for it has been long gone. Everything that has happened since I graduated from college has been a rollercoaster. There were some great highs, like my wedding, and then some of the worst plunges imaginable. And those plunges had drained the life from me. I've known deep down I've been half living, going through the motions.
So, I make the decision. I decide to get off the rollercoaster.