the five times that Piper proved people wrong with her intelligence (and the one time she was bested by a tv remote)
1.
"What sort of research are you most excited about conducting here at the Secret Intelligence Service?"
Piper probably shouldn't have been eavesdropping on the S branch orientation session but she'd been walking to the lounge and just happened upon all the young recruits sitting around. They all seemed so excited about having an avenue for their scientific research, bright-eyed about the potential improvement they could see in their careers. Piper remembered being like that once. Until MI6 had sucked out her soul.
She'd always been a little bitter that she'd been stuck in T branch to start when there were other agents who were fast-tracked straight into S branch and Q branch. Why wasn't she good enough to begin working in the research labs right away? Why had she been relegated to phone duty? She was just as good as these recruits.
"I think that I'd like to explore the human mind. I've been theorizing about chemical compounds that might improve that limitation on human brain capacity, you know? How we only use 10% of our brains? I think we can move past that and with the right chemical compounds we can unlock the unused parts of our mind that could have so much potential."
Right, so she was officially better than these recruits and now she was bitter.
She intended to walk right past the group but a voice calling out stopped her. "Hey, you work here, right?"
She looked over at the group of young eager faces (actually, now that she really looked quite a few of them were older eager faces) and forced on a smile. "Yes, I do. I'm a junior agent in T branch."
Someone rolled their eyes at the mention of T branch but Piper did her best to ignore the ignorant sod and focused on the young gentleman that was talking to her. "Admit it, it would be really cool if we could unlock the brain like that right? Like, my idea is sort of brilliant."
One thing Piper had always hated about scientists is that they thought they were the be all and end all, and that everything that came out of their mouths was fucking gold. Maybe she would have been nicer if he hadn't added, "It's these ideas that get you a spot in S branch where the real action happens."
"Your entire theory circulates around the ten percent of brain myth that is widely acknowledged but fundamentally incorrect." The young man's face fell, his brow crunching together confused as Piper continued. "There is no untapped portion of our brains - we use almost all of our grey and white matter for some purpose. There is no area that isn't being utilized that you can discover. The idea that has led to this misconception is that we can't use all of our brain all at once. Activating all the neural centres at once would ultimately lead to a seizure."
The young gentleman sat there with his mouth hanging open and his colleagues didn't fair much better. They all looked between each other, absolutely shocked. One of them, a timid looking girl cleared her throat and said, "I have a Masters in neuroscience and she's right. Just so you know."
Piper smiled at the woman, giving her an appreciative nod before narrowing her eyes at the arrogant gentleman. "If you ever want to talk about real science, I have a Ph.D in computational science and engineering and I would love to chat about it with you, maybe teach you a little something or two. Just venture down to T branch, that hole in the ground where all of us waste our time typing while the "real action" is happening up here. Lovely talking to you. Cheers."
Piper gave him a sarcastic wave and then sauntered off toward the lounge to get the tea she'd come for in the first place. Behind her, she could hear the other recruits snickering as the arrogant arsehole stuttered for words.
"She's cool," one of them said.
"She's hot," another added, and Piper had to try her best not to sway her hips seductively as she kept walking and really give them something to talk about.
It was the last bit that made her grin. "I think I want to transfer to T branch."
2.
"I saw the trailer for Jurassic World yesterday. It looks like it's going to just be a bad remake of an awesome movie."
"Typical."
Piper rolled her eyes because this was what gave T branchers a bad name for being nerds. Instead of talking about something important like, oh, maybe their fucking jobs, they were having a conversation about Jurassic World.
"If I could be a dinosaur, I'd be a T rex."
Piper looked over her shoulder, wondering if this conversation was real. There were, in fact, two junior agents sitting there talking about dinosaurs. She wasn't imagining it. She'd been part of some pretty strange conversations down here but this took the cake for the most ridiculous.
"I'd be a pterodactyl."
Piper couldn't help the derisive snort that escaped her but hoped that it would go unnoticed if she focused on her work. Her luck had apparently run out. "Did you have something to say?"
She turned around and shot the junior agent a feigned innocent expression. "Sorry?"
"Did you have something to say? Or was that attractive sound just because we were disturbing her majesty's work."
Piper's jaw tensed and she tried very hard not to pick up her stapler and launch it at the agents head. "Pterodactyls aren't dinosaurs."
"Yes they are," the agent shot back with a roll of his eyes and a muttered 'girls' in the direction of his friend who was wisely staying out of the argument.
"They are not. They are pterosaurs, flying reptiles, not dinosaurs." She spun around in her chair and went back to her work. "Google it, wanker."
A moment later, she was rewarded with a muffled 'bugger' and smiled to herself as she finished typing out her code.
3.
Piper decided that medical branch was useless. It was a fairly easy decision to make seeing as the four (that's right, four) doctors who had examined her throat had all taken way too long to tell her what she already knew - she had viral pharyngitis.
She'd been prone to it as a child so she'd learned to cope with the discomfort of a sore throat. Unfortunately, this time around it was quite a bad infection, transforming her voice into a hoarse croak and making her cringe every time she swallowed. It was more serious than what she was used to.
She'd been intending to pay Niall a visit after work to let him check it out and make sure everything was up to scratch but Agent Lahiri had taken away the option and made Piper go up to medical branch shortly after she'd arrived in O branch for her shift. Piper had tried to insist that she was fine, that this was routine, but Agent Lahiri was adamant and that's how she'd found herself with this bunch of bozos.
Dr. Applebaum, the resident on duty in the branch, had examined her throat for much longer than necessary and then hummed and hawed about a diagnosis she could have given herself. He then let three of the ten interns that were shadowing him examine her throat as well.
"It's viral pharyngitis," she told them when they couldn't decide on a diagnosis together. "I was prone to it as a child. I recognize the symptoms."
"You really should have told us your medical history. It would have made this much easier," the doctor scolded as if she'd done something wrong. It was the nurses who were supposed to ask about medical history. It wasn't her job to list every single ailment she'd ever had - especially not in a place like this where agents could write a book about their former injuries.
The doctor scrawled something on a prescription pad and ripped it off, handing it to her. "These antibiotics should clear it up so just take them until the pain stops and -"
"Are you serious?"
"Something wrong, Agent Stone?"
"Well, first of all, antibiotics won't do a bloody thing to treat a viral infection seeing as they target bacteria so this prescription is going to be pretty useless." The interns all looked at her, shocked, as if this was new information and not common knowledge. "And second of all, if I were to take this course of antibiotics, which I won't, you shouldn't be recommending I stop because it feels better. I should be taking the full course. This is how antibiotic-resistant strains mutate. You are single-handedly responsible for aiding one of the biggest problems in modern medicine and I for one -"
She was forced to stop when her throat got so dry and flamed with pain that she could no longer speak. Rolling her eyes at the useless doctor, she ripped the prescription in half and, standing, she tucked it into the pocket of his labcoat.
"Thanks for nothing," she snapped as she brushed past him and right out of medical branch, ignoring the nurse at the front desk trying to call her back.
She decided that she'd earned a sick day after having to put up with that. Bloody useless, the lot of them. Technically she was a doctor because of her Ph.D. and she'd never lauded that around, but honestly, right now, she felt like more of a doctor than any of those bumbling idiots.
On her way out the front doors of Vauxhall Cross, she called Niall on her mobile and when he picked up with a "what?", she whined into the phone, "I've got viral pharyngitis."
Niall was obviously eating because his voice was muffled as he said, "well, what do you want me to do about it? Take some paracetamol, drink lots of water, and buy some bloody lozenges."
And that was why she'd wanted to go to him in the first place. Because who needed an MD to make things worse when she had Niall Horan and his atrocious bedside manner instead.
4.
The tube was stifling and if the train didn't start going faster, Piper was just going to get off and run home through the tunnels herself. She had already unbuttoned her coat and was using her hand to fan herself, hoping that she'd get some relief.
When she finally stepped off at her station, it was to a crowd of people blocking the entrance way. When she finally muscled through, she noticed the source of the distraction. A choking man was being given the Heimlich maneuver by another man.
Piper asked the lady beside her if someone called 999 and was reassured when the lady said yes. She was about to step away when she noticed something - the technique was wrong. The man performing the maneuver was just pushing in, not up, which wasn't going to do any good at all.
"You're doing it wrong."
Everyone around them stopped and the man performing the maneuver looked over at her with a frown as he continued to thrust his fist into the man's abdomen.
"Listen, young lady, I am a trained medical professional and I don't need your input on this matter."
If there was one thing Piper hated it was people calling her young lady. "Well, I hope your job doesn't actually involve treating people because you're pretty shit at it," she snapped as she stormed forward. Someone from the crowd called her a bitch for her comments but she ignored them and turned instead to the choking man. "Sir, may I please help you?"
He looked scared out of his mind, grasping at his throat. He was coughing so it was only a partial obstruction which was a good sign. When he nodded vigorously, Piper stared down the "medical professional" until he released his hands and stepped away. "It's your funeral," he sneered.
Piper ignored the completely inappropriate comment and situated herself behind the choking man, clasping her hands around him and then thrusting her joined fists in and up in a J motion. She only had to do it twice before the man was coughing up the chunk of bagel he'd been choking on, wheezing for breath.
He hugged her once he'd caught his breath and everyone standing around began to clap. Piper simply looked to the man standing aside, turning red he was so frustrated. She shrugged sardonically, pretending to be the innocent young girl he thought she was.
"You might want to reconsider careers."
5.
"The strategy, if implemented correctly, should prove to be successful. With any luck, the decoy will draw enemy fire and distract from the attack. It'll be the best act of deception by the British Navy since the K-ships in WWII."
Everyone in the room began to clap heartily as the General presenting the strategy meeting for the operation to take place later on in the month finished his speech. As with most older gentlemen with positions high up in the British Army, he accepted these accolades with a smug grin. As he walked off the stage, Piper surveyed the crowd and wondered how no one else had noticed the jarring error in his speech.
"Q-ships," she muttered to herself, to reassure herself by saying it aloud that she was in fact right.
"What was that?"
Piper gulped as she looked up at the General who had just been passing her seat near the back when she decided to speak. The room fell deadly silent, agents from all departments turning their attention her way.
"I'm sorry, sir," Piper said immediately, trying to ignore the heat in her cheeks as they flushed red.
"Stand up, agent." Piper rose immediately at the General's words and stood primly before him, looking up at his tall figure. She tried not to let her hands shake where she had them crossed at the small of her back. "Repeat what you said. Now."
"No disrespect sir," Piper said quietly, "but they're Q-ships. Not K-ships."
"Listen, missy, I am a decorated General in the Royal Army who has seen four tours of combat and trained with some of the best this country has seen. I think I know famous military strategy better than a little girl with a desk job, answering the phones."
Okay, technically she did have a desk job answering phones but she also had a fucking Ph.D. and she'd never been one to let a man belittle her just because she was a woman.
"Sir, I do so hate to correct you when you are clearly an expert on strategy," she drawled, maintaining her respectful posture though her words were anything but. "But allow me to teach you some history. Q-ships, aptly named for Queenstown in Ireland which was their home port, were used by the Royal Navy in World Wars 1 and 2 as a decoy strategy to lure U-boats to the surface so they could be attacked, in an effort to fight back against the submarine attacks that were crippling the navy."
The room was so quiet that every single sound could be heard, including the grinding of the General's teeth as his face turned practically purple. "You insolent little girl, if you think you can speak to me like that -"
"She's earned the right to speak to you like that as she is, in fact, correct." Every head turned as none other than C walked into the room. Piper had only spoken to the man once in person and it had been one of the most stressful moments of her life. This was a close second.
"Furthermore, you should be much more careful about the way you address the employees of this establishment, no matter their position. Standing before you is one of the most promising agents in our technology and operations branches. And while you, sir, are decorated with medals, she is decorated with degrees and accolades that you couldn't even imagine. She deserves your respect."
The General looked like he was on the verge of exploding as C came to stand beside Piper. For the most part, Piper was shocked and was not entirely convinced that she wasn't dreaming this. C, the Chief of all of MI6, was coming to her defence.
"I will not be disrespected like this," the General barked before turning away from them and storming from the room. The moment the door closed behind them, cheers erupted in the room, startling Piper who had certainly not been expecting that reaction. Hands of agents who were much more senior than her reached across the pat her on the back and the shoulder but none was as surprising as C's hand resting momentarily on her shoulder.
"You certainly know your strategy," he commented with an easy grin. "That should come in handy in your line of work."
Piper flushed at the compliment and smiled up at her boss. "Thank you, sir."
"Well done, Agent Stone. Carry on."
+1(6.)
"Give me the remote, petal."
"I can get this," Piper insisted as she stared at the remote and then at the fancy entertainment system set up in the theatre in One Direction HQ (that's right, theatre, as if this house wasn't amazing enough).
"C'mon Pips, we want to watch the movie," Louis whined from where he was sitting on the couch perpendicular to hers, Eleanor curled up at his side. He reached across to try and snatch the remote but she held it out of his reach, swatting at him until he backed off. "Just let someone who knows what they're doing fix it."
"I have a fucking Ph.D. in computer science," Piper growled in Louis's direction. "I can fix the fucking telly. Just let me do it."
It was supposed to be fun, or at least that's what Harry had said when he had called to ask if she wanted to come over. Apparently the whole One Direction team, plus girlfriends, got together once a month for a movie night when everyone was in town. They'd decided to watch Casino Royale which Piper thought would be entertaining mostly because everyone would be correcting inaccuracies the entire time. She'd volunteered to get it set up when she arrived, letting everyone else be in charge of popcorn (which she always burned) and cocoa (which she also always burned).
She'd thought it would be a simple flip of a button, not diffusing a fucking atomic bomb. This stupid telly was making her look like an idiot. She was about three seconds from chucking the remote at the screen.
She sighed when she felt Harry's hand smooth over her shoulder and then curl around the nape of her neck, applying a gentle pressure. He leaned toward her, nosing into the hair at her hairline and then placing a tender kiss on her temple.
"Just let me," he said softly as he took the remote from her clenched hand, rubbing his thumb soothingly on the side of her neck to calm her down. "You don't have to be brilliant all the time. Sometimes you can let us monkeys with thumbs do things too."
Niall made a monkey sound, wiggling his thumbs back and forth, and Piper couldn't help but smile at that. She let Harry take the remote and leaned against him instead, watching as he clicked four different buttons and the screen changed to the movie's main menu.
"Smart monkey, aren't I?" Harry teased lightly as he curled his arm properly around her shoulders and dragged her into his side, holding her close as the movie's opening credits started.
"My smart monkey," she agreed, giggling when Harry pressed his fingers into her side, tickling her.
She was used to being the smartest one in the room and all the pressure it came with but laughing along with all of the horrible inaccuracies in the movie, Piper realized that being smart was relative. Everyone in this room was smart in their own special way. She was just happy to be part of it.