july
No complaints can be made on Jade's behalf regarding her decision to stay on campus during the summer semester. She takes genuine interest in the classes she has chosen, and these will definitely be a benefiting addition to her resume in the future. The best thing about taking them is how she doesn't feel drained and tired all the time, like she did during the past two semesters. Summer courses, as it turns out, are much more interesting and fun compared to the regular ones. In her spare time, Jade sees Perrie or meets up with friends, and while she does miss home, she really couldn't ask for anything more. With it being July, the anniversary of the day Perrie and her first met is approaching, and it is constantly on Jade's mind. She loves celebrating dates that mark days in which her world became richer and her heart swell, and so she has decided that this day should be celebrated with a romantic outing somewhere where Perrie and her would be free to be affectionate with each other. The best idea she has come up with so far is taking a trip together, going to a different state or city where nobody knows them, making memories and going on adventures that they will cherish forever.
The problem with scheduling this trip, however, is that it needs to be done soon. There are only two weeks between the end of the summer semester and beginning of the fall one, and they are approaching quickly. Jade is yet to talk about this with Perrie, because she originally wanted this to be a surprise, but is now coming to the conclusion that the logistics of making it happen are too much for one person only. Now, as Jade is laying by Perrie's side, she can feel Perrie starting to wake up. With it being a Sunday, they slept in, and one of the best aspects of staying here for the summer is waking up next to each other. It is only possible thanks to Jesy and Leigh-Anne, who brought up the idea of Leigh-Anne moving into Jesy and Jade's dorm, and Jade moving out to be with Perrie. It probably is against the university's rules, but it's summer and those are their last days of living on campus so none of it matters much as this point. Over the past month since Jade moved into Perrie's dorm, Jade has learnt how much Perrie truly means it when she says she loves her sleep. It takes her forever to get out of bed in the morning, but Jade doesn't mind. If anything, she is grateful to have a couple more minutes with Perrie every morning when it's just the two of them. Today, though, Perrie has had more than enough sleep so Jade doesn't fear talking to her about something that truly matters right when she wakes up.
"Good morning," she tells Perrie and cuddles into her. Before they moved into the same dorm, Jade didn't know how much she was missing when she was not receiving loving cuddles every night.
"Morning," Perrie replies in a tired voice and lazily kisses Jade's head.
"I need to talk to you about something," Jade begins as Perrie lets out a yawn that makes her laugh. There is something so special about seeing her waking up with no patience or energy at all, and feeling her want to cuddle and relax in Jade's arms. It makes Jade feel wanted, and like she really knows the true Perrie.
"What is it?" Perrie asks, and she sounds a bit more awake, but not yet completely sober of sleep.
"The anniversary of the day we met is in a month, and I really want to do something to celebrate. I was thinking that maybe we could go on a trip together, if you want to. What do you think?"
"I think it's a good idea," Perrie answers with the sweetest voice and even makes Jade's heart beat a little faster. One thing that is so unique about the dynamics between them is how every conversation turns into a mess of feelings, no matter how boring or casual the topic of it is. "But I'm not sure if we have the time. We only have like, what, two weeks between the end of this semester and the beginning of the next one? That's not a lot of time at all, and we're probably going to want to visit our families back home and all of that. I'm not sure how it could all fit in in such a short break."
"We can make it work if we want to," Jade is quick to say. Her only wish is to make this trip happen, and she is willing to give up on some time at home if that's a sacrifice she is going to have to make. Hopefully, Perrie sees it the same way, and will make an effort to execute this trip as well.
"I'll figure something out and let you know," Perrie warmly replies and lays another kiss to Jade's head. It is all Jade can ask for, and she is quite satisfied with that answer. All she has left to do now is hope she gets a definite answer from Perrie sooner rather than later. "I love the idea of going on a trip together, but can I ask why is this anniversary so important to you? Because it's not our anniversary, like, it hasn't been a year since we got together. It's only since the day we met, and God knows we've been through a lot in that year, and a big part of it wasn't positive at all."
"You're right. Leigh-Anne asked me the same thing when I told her I was looking forward to August," Jade begins to explain patiently. "I guess it means so much to me because I've never gotten that far with someone. Obviously not with the boys I dated, but also not with any of the girls. We were always such different people, all I cared about was that they were gay, and I was too, so it felt like we had to date. Needless to say, nothing really worked out. It was more about experimenting and trying out new things than being actually emotionally involved. We always ended up growing apart before we got to any major milestone. And to answer your question about why specifically the anniversary of the day we met, I'm just honestly grateful to have you in my life. Don't even get me started about how many reasons I have to celebrate that."
"You're cute," Perrie softly tells Jade. Lately, they have been getting more and more honest and open with each other, and saying things like this doesn't feel awkward at all. All it does is make them both shy on the outside, but very happy inside. "And I understand now why this anniversary is so important to you. I guess for me it's a little different. I was with my ex for almost two years, actually. We used to celebrate anniversaries, and Valentine's and stuff like that, but it never felt genuine. It was the same with all the boys I've dated, they all had such big egos and most of the things they would do for me were actually done just so they could brag about it to their friends. I'll never forget how I felt after I slept with him and found out that he told his friends about it like it was some kind of achievement. That's the difference with dating girls, I think. They don't feel like they constantly need to prove with themselves to others. They will do amazing things for you just because they like you."
"Well, I don't that's how all the girls are, just like there are boys who don't let their egos get the best of them, but yeah," Jade says and decides to take Perrie's words as a compliment. "Girls can have big egos too, and they can break your heart just because they're feeling like it. When you date a woman, there are so many emotions involved and so much talking and communicating because most women are just more verbal than most men. That's why I always thought that dating a guy would be much more simple."
"It is. In many ways," Perrie confirms, and she sounds more awake now. While she speaks, she runs her fingers through Jade's hair, and Jade wishes they could stay in bed all day long. "Most times you don't have to face scrutiny or anything like that, so you know, it's much easier without having to hide everything all the time. But it's like, a different standard. I feel like, with a guy, if you have okay communication and great sex, that's enough for a relationship to last, and even work well. With a girl you can expect so much more. I never thought I would even have a conversation like this with a partner, ever. it's like the emotional connection is so much deeper with women." Before Jade can reply, Perrie's alarm goes off and she sits up so she can reach her phone and turn it off. "Right. I need to get ready, Alex and I said we were going to go for lunch today, remember?"
"Yeah," is Jade's only reply, and Perrie soon leaves the bed and walks into the bathroom. Jade wants to ask Perrie how she could forget something like that, because it has been on her mind for days now, ever since Perrie told her it is happening. When she first heard that Alex proposed this idea, Jade told Perrie that Alex must think this is a date. On the other hand, Perrie argued that she knows it isn't a date so it doesn't matter what he's thinking. Honestly, all these talks about Alex have become this back and forth thing, and Jade is tired of it. He is not worth so much of her time, and she decided she was going to drop it if it's ever brought up again. What she did right now was staying true to her promise to herself, so at least there is comfort in the pride of that. Fifteen minutes later, when Jade is already after her daily phone call to her mom in which she updates Norma on everything but the thing that matters the most, Perrie, the bathroom door is opened and Perrie steps into the room. It is impossible to be Perrie's girlfriend and forget how lucky you are, even for one moment only, and Jade tells her how beautiful she is and earns a bright smile and a shy 'thank you'. Then, Jade notices that Perrie isn't wearing the necklace that Jade gave her, and it is not something Jade can ignore, because she herself rarely takes it off, only if she is going for a swim at the beach, which doesn't happen often at all. "I think you forgot your...?" Jade's voice is heard as she touches the pendant on her own neck with her fingers.
"Oh, I didn't forget, I'll put it back on when I get back here. It's just that I'm going to see Alex and it's all a bit too obvious with the scissors pendant and all. You and Alex know each other, so I'm sure he's seen yours. I don't want to make it that easy to connect the dots, that's all," Perrie explains as honestly and softly as she can, without any bad intentions, but Jade is still hurt.
"I don't think you get how blind people are to same sex relationships, and I don't think that there's the smallest chance that he noticed we have matching necklaces. But you can do whatever you want," she tells Perie, and she comes off as mad as she feels which isn't completely a good nor a bad thing.
"Jade, come on. I love this necklace and I think it's very beautiful and thank you for giving it to me, but it's not that deep. It's just a necklace and it doesn't change reality, or how I feel about you or about Alex," Perrie argues in the same tone. "Anyway, I really have to go. I'm already running late," she picks up her purse and gives Jade a quick hug and a kiss.
"Have fun," Jade almost whispers as Perrie leaves. Only when Perrie is out of sight, Jade realizes that what she really wanted to say was that this is exactly the part that Perrie doesn't get. To her, it is no more than a necklace, but it is Jade's lifeline.
august
The day after summer classes ended, Jade, Jesy, Perrie and Leigh-Anne all moved into their new apartments. It was decided that Jade and Jesy will be renting one together, close to where Perrie and Leigh-Anne will be living, because it is too early in Jade and Perrie's relationship for them to move in together. Most of July was spent preparing for this move, house hunting and then eventually packing, and it was a very busy time, but Jade still hadn't forgotten about that anniversary trip. Every day, she asked Perrie about it, and got just about the same answer. It's not ideal to go on a trip during such a short break, and Perrie can't promise anything just yet, but she will know her schedule better soon. After a while, it was starting to feel like Perrie doesn't actually care about this anniversary as much as Jade does, and that hurts, because if that's the truth, shouldn't she at least pretend to care? Because she knows how important it is to Jade?
As a gift from her parents for getting her own apartment, Jade received a bouquet and a bottle of wine. The flowers have already been placed in a vase in the kitchen, and the wine has been opened and found its place on the coffee table in the living room. It has been long since Jade last felt the kind of disappointment that's mixed with anger, and she doesn't know how to handle it, and that's when the wine came into the picture. She is fully aware of the fact that drinking won't fix anything, but hopes it will give her the courage to finally confront Perrie when she comes over tonight. So Jade has been drinking all day,starting when Leigh-Anne stopped by in the afternoon and then so did Jesy before she went off to see Sean. Jade wants to be tipsy enough when Perie comes to tell her exactly how she feels, and as a knock on the door is heard, she realizes that at least this goal has been achieved. She walks over to the door and reminds herself to give Perrie a spare key when she has one, then opens the door and is faced with Perrie's smile. No matter how bad things are, Jade wouldn't want to give up on a chance to touch Perrie, to make her feel welcome, so she kisses her lips and gives her a big hug. Then, Perrie asks for a tour at the apartment, and Jade almost forgets that she was even mad to begin with as she gives it. Things change when they get back to the living room, and Perrie asks for a glass of wine, and as Jade pours it, everything comes back to her.
"Any news about that trip I wanted to plan? Do you know if you can go on it or not? I really need to know," she begins, and talks as patiently as she can.
"Oh, I was actually just talking about that today with Alex and Ellie," Perrie replies and takes a sip of her wine. "I told them that you and I have talked about going on a short trip together, before I think I'm going to fly home to see my family. They really liked the idea of the trip, and they asked if they could come with us. And of course we can invite whoever you want, too, probably Jesy and Leigh and-"
"Perrie, you don't seriously think that this is what I want, right?" Jade asks, and her anger is beginning to be heard and shown. "Has it ever crossed your mind that I want this trip to be just the two of us? It's the anniversary of the day you and I met, there is no reason for anyone else to celebrate that. Stop trying to change the plan, it doesn't even feel like you want to go on this trip! You couldn't care less, could you?" Jade lets it all out, and the look in Perrie's eyes that shows how hurt she is makes her want to regret saying these words even though she doesn't. When did her relationship with Perrie turn so loaded and stressful? How did she not notice that the negatives were starting to outweigh the positives up until now?
"Jade, this is so unfair. I care because you do, because I want to make you happy," Perrie replies, and from the sound of her voice, Jade can tell that she is on the verge of tears. What is the right way to act in this situation? Is Jade still expected to comfort her, even though she is mad at her? Jade doesn't know what to do, so she stays in her place. "You're the one that's being selfish right now by not seeing my side! How exactly am I supposed to tell Alex and Ellie that I don't want them around without making me the most terrible friend or without outing myself? It's not as easy as you think it is. Don't you think they're already asking me tons of questions every time I mention your name around them? It's a fragile situation, I can't exactly just say fuck it and do whatever I want. That's the part that you keep ignoring."
"You can do that, Perrie! That's what you don't understand! You can say fuck it and tell everyone that we're together, it's been eight months! All this time we've been hiding something that there's no problem everyone would see," Jade argues, and she knows she crossed a line, but can't stop herself from speaking honestly. These thoughts have been on her mind forever, ever since Perrie and her got together. Everyone knows that they kissed on the first day of the fall semester last year, so how much of a shock will it be to hear that they're dating? Why is that so different?
"Easy for you to say, because you've already been through that," Perrie answers in a heartbreaking voice as she buries her face in her hands and lets the tears fall. "These things take time, I'm sure you haven't forgotten those two or three or years in high school that you dated girls without anybody knowing. Why couldn't you just say fuck it and tell everyone then, huh? Just because you have yourself figured out doesn't mean everyone else does, so stop telling me what I'm comfortable sharing and what not." Every word she says hits Jade right at the heart, because she realizes that Perrie is right. There may still be things that Perrie has done and she doesn't agree with, but she never should have put so much pressure on her to come out. All Jade wants to do now is apologize, but before she has the chance to do so, Perrie already stands up, grabs her purse and storms out of the apartment to the sound of Jade's emotional requests of her to stay. In the worst way possible, Jade finds herself alone much sooner than she imagined. Maybe she should go after Perrie, but she is just too drained to do that. There is nothing she misses more now than the beginning, how exciting and positive things were, how confident she was that she had Perrie in the palm of her hand after the night they first met. It turns out that downfall can be as quick as the rise, and it has the exact same emotional value. Each drop of happiness that Jade felt that day has turned into a tear that she is holding back right now. She reaches for the bottle of wine in hopes of easing her pain stress, even if only psychologically, but as she tries to pour some into her cup she learns that it is empty. So deep in her thoughts and the hole she dug herself into, Jade can't help but think that this is a morbid metaphor of her relationship with Perrie. How they had a very limited amount of happiness, and used it like it was never ending. WIthout any of them noticing, they ran out of every chance they had at feeling like they are lucky to have each other.
The end doesn't really look like this, does it? It can't be this cruel, after everything Jade and Perrie have been through. They had so much more beautiful moments than ugly ones, so much more support than fighting and storming out. Jade makes the decision to take matters into her own hands, so she grabs her keys and locks the door behind her after she leaves the apartment. She steps into her car, turns it on and drives without knowing where she wants to go. She tries to think of where Perrie could be, where she ran off to, and immediately thinks of the beach, where Perrie said Alex and Ellie invited her to but she decided not to go so she could see Jade's new apartment. She knows the way by heart, and the closer she gets there, the faster her heart is racing. When she is about to park, she sees Alex and Perrie walking on the sidewalk, just the two of them, and stops right by them. By this time, she is an emotional mess, tears are washing down her face and she wishes, more than anything, that today would have never happened.
"Perrie, get in the car. Please," she begs, and feels like her heart is about to tear into two pieces. This is too much, it's not something she knows how to handle. Moreover, if that's not stressful enough, Alex probably won't have any more doubts about whether Perrie and her are romantically involved now, after seeing them like that. Just like friends don't see each other as often as Jade and Perrie do, or talk about each other like that way, or know the tiniest details about one another, they also don't fight like how Jade and Perrie are so obviously fighting right now. Friendships aren't this messy, and honestly, relationships shouldn't be too.
"No, Jade," Perrie replies as a wave of tears washes over her and Alex suddenly comes closer to her, a movement which makes Jade's blood boil. "Just leave me alone." Alex looks at Jade with a warning glance, as if he even has the right to be a part of this. He is prepared to fight, Jade can read it in his body language. The man that is the reason why all of the conflicts started is trying to protect Perrie from no other than her girlfriend, and that is just so absurd in Jade's eyes.
"Stay out of this, Alex," Jade orders him, and she almost spits out his name because of how much she despises it. "Perrie doesn't need your help, she doesn't need you to save her or protect her or love her. She's just not into you, is it that hard for you to understand?" Jade asks him, and she crosses so many lines that she can barely even believe that she just let these words out of her mouth.
"Jade, please go. We'll talk about this later, I'll see you-" Perrie asks Jade again, but is cut off by Alex's hand being placed gently around her waist. The touch itself is far from being aggressive or demenading, but it is enough to silence all of the people present. The way his hand looks like it fits there, like it's comfortable there and definitely been there before, is a statement. Although she doesn't want to, Jade understands that all along, there was a deeper, or a rather more shallow, reasoning as to why Perrie didn't agree to tell Alex to back off. For however long this went on, Perrie let Alex touch her, and hold her, and maybe even text her good morning, because she enjoyed it. The pain hasn't truly had the chance of hitting her yet, but Jade is already beginning to feel stupid and even more terrible than she did before. Finally, after what feels like way too long, Perrie moves away from Alex's touch. The expression on her face as she looks back and forth at Jade and Alex is something Jade will never be able to forget. It is painful to see how hurt she is from the people she used to find safety in, while she also craves their support and needs their assurance and promise that everything will be alright. There is nothing Jade wants more than to take Perrie's hand and lead her to safety, but all she does is drive off, back to her apartment, where she cries harder than she ever did.There are so many questions she wishes she could ask Perrie, but knows she might never get the chance to because who knows when they will speak to each other again? Will it be in a week, or in a year? Will it ever even happen? Countless happy memories of Perrie and her are now stained by Alex's ghostly presence. How long did it last? Why did it even happen in the first place? Was Jade not enough for Perrie? Is that why Perrie was breaking down under all this secrecy? Because she had two lovers to hide, not only one?
What's left of August passes in front of Jade's eyes like a hazy movie. If one would ask her about it - what happened, how she spent the break - she wouldn't know what to tell them. All she remembers is that she spent every moment thinking about Perrie, what they had, how it began and how it ended. She kept her phone next to her at all times, so she would see if she suddenly got a text saying, meet me behind the mall, because that day in the street Perrie said they would talk about it later and this was always where they went to have serious talks. Jade canceled her visit at home to be available just in case, but that text never came through.
There are so many things she never got to do with Perrie. She never got to recieve any of these little songs Perrie used to sing just for her written down, so now, they only live in her memory. She never got to teach Perrie to bake like she said she would. She never got to meet her parents, or help her choose a major, or visit the apartment she is renting with Leigh-Anne. While Jesy and Leigh tried to help Jade as much as they could, grieving was private, because no one but them knew. Jade never got to ask Perrie why she played with her feelings when she knew they were real, what was it about Alex that he had and Jade didn't, and she never got to say goodbye to the girl that was never really hers.
The one loss that will forever haunt Jade is how she never got to tell Perrie that she loves her.
-the end-
A/n: thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart, for the love you have shown this story. It was absolutely amazing to write, and I love reading your comments and seeing that you are reading this story the way I want you to. Sorry about the ending, but, if that makes you feel better, in my head, Jerrie eventually get back together. When Perrie has more of her personal issues figured out, and Jade is not willing to compromise, sometime around graduation:)
I'm definitely gonna do more of these short stories, so if you have any requests, let me know. Thank you for reading, and we'll meet again soon❤️