I tightened my embrace to myself as I felt a shivering cold from the foreign wind of New Jersey. Hinawakan ko ng mahigpit ang suot kong jacket at siniguradong hindi maluwag ang pagkaka-ayos nito.
Pinagkiskis ko ang aking palad dahil sa sobrang lamig.
It is now winter here in Virginia. Two weeks from now ay matatapos na ito and Spring willeventually enter the picture.
I sipped from my coffee as I check my canvas. I painted the dawn of the sunset. Naghahalo ang kulay ng langit, kahel at dilaw mula sa kulay ng tubig na asul.
Tinabingi ko ang aking ulo.
It looked peaceful. It is not a happy painting nor a sad one. Sunset is all about the ending and awakening of the darkness. It is fascinating how a blue colored sky turns into a bright orange one and to black.
It is amazing how something so happy can suddenly end. Sunset symbolizes that everyday has an ending, it can be happy or a sour one and soon, darkness will enveloped that very sunset.
It is a reminder that we should cherish every moment that we have. We should be thankful for being able to experience something so happy. But should we really be thankful if that happiness will eventually end soon?
Paano kung ang saya na iyon ay panandalian lamang? Naniniwala ako na ang saya ay mayroong dobleng kapalit na sakit at lungkot. That's just how life is.
Lahat ay mayroong kapalit...
I looked at my newly interior design sketch. My newly bought Stonehenge paper is now fully coated with different sketched furnitures and interiors.
Matalim kong tinignan ang mga kulay na ginamit ko doon. The different shades of the color brown and green seems to be blending well.
Humikab ako ng matapos kong ayusin ang mga linya doon. I quietly stood away from my wet sketch. Inayos ko ang mga gamit na ginamit ko kanina. I organized my watercolors, pencils, pens and papers.
My new client yesterday requested for this particular design. Although, my client is not rushing to get the design, I still chose to do it early. Besides, I don't have anything to do.
I think my clients are in their mid-50's? Mag-asawa ang dalawang ito. They requested for something minimalist yet sophisticated design.
I am not working in any company, I am self-employed. Tumatanggap lamang ako ng trabaho depende sa kung ano ang kailangan kong gawin doon. I don't usually accept big offers from big campanies.
I do receive a lot of offers from different companies but I don't think I would be able to comply to their given deadline especially because I am pretty busy right now. The reason why I do not accept any of them.
"Mama!" A tiny loud scream echoed across my room, fully interrupting me from my deep mind wondering.
I smiled when a tiny child entered my vision. Well, maybe not so tiny anymore, huh?
"Mama are you done working?" He bossily asked while holding a stuffed toy car on his right hand.
I smiled at the sight of him. He is sporting his pair of cars pajama. His brown hair is neatly made.
Lumapit sa akin ang bata at niyakap ang aking tubod. Ibinaon niya ang kaniyang mukha sa pagitan noon.
"Opo, I'm done working na po." I said, emphasizing the word 'po.'
Naku! Ang bata talaga na 'to! He doesn't even know how to use to word po and opo! This is my cousins fault. Siguro ay kung ano-ano ang itinuturo ng mga ito sa anak ko sa tuwing nakatalikod ako sa kanila!
"Good, I wanna sleep now, my. Can I sleep at your room please?" He asked in a puppy eyes.
Napangiti ako dahil sa ginawa niya.
5 years ago, last February 16, I gave birth to a healthy child here at United States of America in New Jersey.
Xanley is now 5 years old. He is already in kindergarten here in New Jersey. He's pretty much taller than any of his classmates. He is warm sometimes but he can get a little cold and shy too.
He is fair, namumula ang kaniyang pisngi sa tuwing siya ay napapagod at tuwing malamig. I can say that he got a lot of his features from me. His eyes is soft and warm. He has this brownish hair that makes him look so good, much like a foreigner.
"Oh? I thought you're a big boy now? Bakit gusto mo na katabi pa rin ako?" Ngumisi ako sa kaniya.
We have separate rooms here in our house. Ang gusto ko kasi ay matuto siyang mag-isa sa kuwarto. But I don't think he likes that idea dahil lagi siyang nakakahanap ng dahilan upang tumabi sa akin which Is completely fine.
I like my son hanging around me. It is very much comfortable to have him around, even when we sleep.
Sumimagot naman siya sa akin. "Mama, I just don't want you to get scared." Tumango-tango pa siya.
Pinanliitan ko siya ng mata at ngumisi. "Okay, If you say so." Sabi ko sa isang nag-aasar na boses.
Namula ang kaniyang pisngi. "Mama stop teasing me!" Sigaw niya sa akin at mahinang hinampas ang aking tuhod.
"Okay, okay." I chuckled because of his reaction.
Yumuko ako at kinarga na siya habang tumatawa. He pouted because of what I did ngunit iniyakap din naman niya ang kaniyang braso sa aking leeg.
Dire-diretso akong lumabas mula sa aking working room at dumiretso na sa aking kwarto.
"Okay, sleep now Xanley." I whispered at his hear.
Inayos ko ang kaniyang pagkakahiga at ang kumot niya. Tumabi ako sa kaniyang gilid.
"Mama, when is my Tito's and Tita's coming back?" Nag-angat siya sa akin ng tingin.
Bumango siya mula sa pagkakahiga at sumiksik sa aking braso.
"Hm... I don't know, baby. They are also busy at the Philippines. Why? Do you miss them na?" Nag taas ako ng kilay sa kaniya.
He pouted before nodding. "Yes, I also miss Lolo and Lola. I don't have anyone to talk to here, we are always alone." Nag-iwas siya sa akin ng tingin.
I sighed. We are both living alone here. Mayroon naman kaming mga katulong na ipinadala ni Mommy and Daddy dito but I guess my son doesn't find comfort with them.
My Mommy and Daddy stayed with me through out my pregnancy. My cousins and other relatives also visit often to check on me.
After a year, when I gave birth to Xanley I told to my parents that they have to come back to the Philippines. I know that it is must hard for them because they can not handle the companies properly.
"Don't you have friends at school?" I asked. "How about Gray and Blue?" I asked.
Gray and Blue is his cousin from my mother's side. They do not live that far away from our house. They are also in the same campus.
"Yeah, I am friends with them but... I miss lolo and lola." He pouted.
I looked at him heavily. Not a few minutes later, sleep already ate him up.
Hinawakan ko ang kaniyang buhok at hinalikan ang kaniyang noo.
I know that it is also hard for Xanley. He is close with mommy and daddy, pati na din sa kaniyang mga tito at tita. His mood shifts immediately whenever he see's his Tito's.
Xanley is a good child, though he can be cold sometime. He always find way to say how much he loves me. He is my breather. Whenever I look at him, I feel this joy inside my heart. Iyong parang kuntento na ako sa kahit anong bagay basta kasama ko ang aking anak.
Not soon after Xanley fell asleep, I also did. I kissed his temples and made sure that he is not cold before sleeping.
- - - - -
"Xanley, wake up..." Bulong ko sa kaniya habang marahang siyang tinatapik sa braso.
He groaned because of what I did. Tumalikod siya sa akin at itinalukbong ang kumot sa kaniyang buong katawan.
"Mommy, I want to sleep more." He groaned while pulling the sheets.
"Baby, it is already late. You have to wake up, I cook you breakfast na." Pangungulit ko sa kaniya.
Sa huli ay nagawa ko din siyang pabangunin mula sa pagkakahiga. While taking care of his morning bath I notice that he is sending daggers stares to my side.
I chuckled. "Come on, Hindi porke wala ka ng school you'll wake up late na. Sige ka, Isusumbong kita kay Mommy and Daddy." Pananakot ko sa kaniya.
He looked away. "I did not say anything Mama." Sagot nito.
I laughed because of that. Pinaliguan ko na siya sa aming bathroom at inayos na ang susuotin niyang damit.
Pagkatapos noon ay bumaba na din kami sa dining area upang kumain. He ate the bacon and egg that I cooked for him.
He looked so jolly while eating his food.
Hindi pa masyadong sanay na magsalita ng Tagalog si Xanley pero nakakaintindi naman siya nito. He can only practice Tagalog at our house and whenever my cousins are here. Mas ginagamit niya ang English dahil puro foreigner ang mga kaklase niya.
But I know that he is practicing. I once saw him watching vlogs in youtube about the correct pronunciation of Tagalog words.
He is also a bright child. He is far more advanced than any of his school mates. Maybe it is because Kuya Scott bought him a advanced book.
"Mommy can I go at Gray's? He told me he has this new Lego House!" He said with excitement.
"Okay, Ipapahatid kita kay Manong but make sure to come home before dinner okay?"
He nodded and run towards our driver. Umiling na lang ako dahil sa pagtakbo niya.
I started to clean out his room. Madami ang mga nakakalat na mga laruan sa lapag noon. Mayroong mga robot, lego's at iba pang laruan.
I don't life our maids to clean our room. Ang gusto ko ay ako na ang gumagawa noon dahil hindi naman gaanong kalakihan ang mga kwarto namin. I can do that myself. Besides, I don't like it when someone touch my things.
A curse left my mouth when a tiny piece of his lego went under my feet.
Remind me to give him a good talk when he comes home!
Ang bata talaga na 'to! I specifically told him to always clean his toys para hindi pakalat-kalat!
After cleaning his room, I went to mine. I placed my new ipad at my lap and started to scroll down in my notifications.
Matalim kong tinignan ang aking mga social media accounts. I am not active in any of those. I deactivated all of my accounts when we arrived at New Jersey.
Kendall and Raika also kept bugging me about my accounts. They told me that I should probably activate it again. Para na rin daw alam ko kung ano na ang mga balita sa social life nila.
To be honest, I refused to active it again because I do not want to let my curiosity to wonder. I know that I won't be able to stop myself from visiting Jordan's account. Although he doesn't post that much before, pero baka ngayon ay oo?
Hindi ko na malayan na isa-isa ko ng sinimulang i-activate ang aking mga account. I also put everything on private.
I went to my instagram account and unfollow everyone that I do not know or I am not close. Ang itinira ko na lamang ay ang mga pinsan ko at mga kakilala.
Agad kong nakita ang mga post ng aking mga pinsan at ilang kaibigan. It is probably evening in the Philippines right now. Mayroon ditong mga picture at story sa mga sikat na club sa Maynila.
A notification from messenger popped on my screen. Agad kong nakita na iyon ay ang group chat naming magpi-pinsan.
Vasquez Cousins:
Kendall: Oh my? You are active Reign! Is that you???
Ako: Yup. I got bored so...
Raika: So you did not got bored during those 5 years without soc med?
Kaiden: Where is my Xanley?
Uno: Oo nga, nasaan na ang pamangkin kong minana ang good looks ko?
Natawa ako dahil sa reply ni Uno. I shook my head and replied that he is on our neighborhood.
My cousins do not actually know who is the father of my child. Ang nakakaalam lamang ay ang aking mga kapatid, magulang at sina Raika.
I chose not to tell them. Well, It's not like they asked me, too. There is no used with telling them who the father is too. They were shocked at first but then they did not say anything else.
No one dares to mention Jordan's name for the last 5 years. They know that it is a sensitive topic for me.
Besides, I do not have any news from him anymore. Also, I do not plan on receiving any of them. That part of my life is bitter and I rather not look back to it.
I am happy now with just my son, Xanley around. But I do know that the time will come wherein he will ask about his father... And I am afraid that I won't be able to answer his question properly.