Becky
Cold. I feel cold, she probably feels cold. All I want is for her to be warm, for us to be warm. I haven't left her room, I haven't left her bed since we got back from the hospital. I can't even bring myself to speak, Seth needs me but I can't be there for him. I've already lost one child and I can't bare to lose another, me and Colby aren't on good terms right now yes he was there for me when we lost Hope but he also broke me when I needed him the most, I don't know what to do with him. I love him but Seth has to be my main priority. He's all I've got left...
Knock knock
Seth knows I probably won't answer but he'll come in anyway, as usual I watch the door open slowly and Seth walk in. He's looks sad, a bit raggedy, like he needs his mother but I just can't be there for him right now.
"Momma, I know you are sad. I am sad..."
I looked away from him because I could feel the tears starting to form in my eyes.
"But that's okay, I can't expect to have superhero Momma all the time. I just want you to know I love you and I miss you..."
"I'm sorry..."
I turned back towards him and he could see just how sad I am, normally he'd stay on the floor but today he climbed up and wrapped his tiny arms around me.
"It's okay Momma I'm here, Hopes here too. She's protecting us..."
"I know I haven't been a very good mommy and I'm sorry."
"You've are the best, always. I'm sorry too..."
"Oh baby you have nothing to be sorry for, you've done nothing wrong."
"I just want to look after you, I want to take care of you."
"But that's my job, I look after you. I know I haven't been doing such a great job, but I promise it'll change. I love you baby, you and your little sister are the best things that ever happened to me so when I lost your sister...it broke me. I'm still broken, but I'm trying to fix myself for you! I love you so much Seth, I hope you know just how much."
"I love you too Momma."
He buried his little head into my chest, I can hear his little sniffles so I let out my own tears. Talking about Hope, hurts, it hurts too much. People keep saying that it'll get easier but I don't think it will, Hope and Seth were my everything. Now I've lost Hope and I don't know what to do. People say my wounds will heal so tell me why do they still feel so painful.
My phone starts to ring so I instinctively answer it, even though I haven't been answering my phone for the last week.
"Becky?"
"Hello?"
"It's Nina! I've been trying to contact you for the last week, ever since I saw you at the hospital. I thought maybe you might be pregnant? You were in the child's unit near the maternity ward?"
"Nina, I'm not pregnant. We were there because of Hope~"
"I'm guessing she's home and tucked up in bed now with some peppa pig on the telly."
"Actually she's not~"
"Oh, how's she doing in the hospital then?"
"Nina, she's~I'm sorry I can't do this."
I looked at the wall and felt tears flow down my face.
"Baby can you go outside please."
"Wh~"
"Pleas, I don't want you to see this."
Je quickly climbed off the bed and out the door, I held the phone to my ear and heard Nina happily chatting along to the line. My blood boiled why can't I be happy.
"WHY CAN'T I BE HAPPY?"
I yanked the wire out of the phone and threw it at the wall, I tugged at the ends of my hair.
"WHY ME? WHY FUCKING US EH?"
I threw my glass at the wall, I can't do this anymore. I can't DO THIS anymore.
"I CAN'T DO THIS, AHHHHH!"
I started to grab and throw anything I sight, i feel like a tornado, destroying anything or anyone I get close too.
*(Just imagine a soap opera freak out here, where they smash up the whole room)*
I leant over the side of the bed and grabbed my bottle of wine, it burned as I poured it down my throat but it started to make me go numb, which is what I need, what I so desperately desire.
Seth
I can hear Mommy screaming and I know she needs Daddy, I carefully make my way down the stairs and towards the house phone. I know his number is written on the table so I can call him.
Smash
"WHY?"
I quickly dialled his number and he did answer.
"Hello..."
"Daddy, it's Seth..."
"Hey buddy, what's going on?"
Bang. Smash. Crack.
"Can you come round, Momma is really badly upset."
"I'll be right over, you just sit tight downstairs."
"Okay..."
Colby
I can hear the fear in his already fragile voice, I know Becky is hurting but she's just hurting Seth even more. Maybe it'd be best if he stayed with me for a little bit, but that's something I've got to discuss with Becky. I walk down to the living room and see Dean and Renee tangled up together.
"You heading out Rollins?"
"Yeah, Seth needs me. Becky's smashing up the house."
"Do you need any backup?"
"I think I've got this one but thank you."
I slipped out the door and down onto the path behind Dean's house, Becky's house is only five minutes from here so I'd be better off working.
Seth
I hear the door open at the top of the stairs and I watch as Momma walks out and down the stairs, she's covered in cuts and freshly formed bruises and I begin to feel a lump in my throat.
She doesn't acknowledge me and just slips towards the kitchen, I watch her rummage through the cupboards and eventually find what she was looking for. Her white wine, she doesn't even bother to pour herself a glass she just drinks it straight out of the bottle.
"Momma."
"Please Seth not now."
"You're bleeding."
"I said NOT NOW."
Colby
"Hey Becks lets calm down."
"Stay out of this Colby."
"Put the alcohol down and let's talk like adults?"
"I've just lost my baby girl, can't I have a drink to ease the pain. All I think about is Hope, all I see when I close my eyes is Hope, I just need this."
"Can't you see what you need is hurting our son? Buddy head upstairs, me and Momma need to talk Okay?"
"okay..."
I patted him on the shoulder as he ran past me and towards the stairs.
"I can't do anything anymore and it's killing me..."
"You think it's just you who feels this way? I've lost my daughter too you know, I feel the same pain but I'm not just bottling it up and lashing out when I've had enough."
"Excuse me! So what I'm not allowed to grieve now too, no drinking, no grieving, what's next? No speaking!"
"Becky don't be irrational, why couldn't you have just called me and we could've sorted this out instead of our son calling me because he was terrified of you?"
I watched her eyes change, she went from angry to upset and scared of herself.
"I've got to be sick."
She ran off towards the bathroom and I placed my head in my hands, I know she's hurting but I am too. I understand the pain she's feeling, I get it more than anyone else will ever get it and that's what hurts.