Chapter 22
"NYI!"
The night is silent in my room but the heart beating on my chest is louder than my shout. The whole world turns against me my body is shaking, tears on both cheeks and the body is sweating like hell, what a night mare is that? A wet black dark night mare..."NYI"
Oh Lord Buddha, what have I done to myself, I turned myself as a devil to NYI. I did it on this .... This ... the blanket and the pillow are on the floor bed sheet is messy... I instantly jumped off the bed, go to the corner of my room, kneeling on the floor and I hug my own kneel so hard, I cry like hell, what have I done? I indulge myself so much lead to NYI hurt. OH noo noooo nooooo....
I have never felt like that before, but ..... I love him clearly...not in a Million years to force him to do that, I never think of it. I give myself to him my body and soul but I want nothing but love back to me. But I overstepping now, this's not me, I can't control myself, I am just a sinful immoral person for him. I am dirty.
Sorry, sorry NYI, I am so so so sorry, I never felt like that, I am very sorry, I will never think like it anymore, please forgive me... forgive me ..."
If this keep happening this is not going to end well myself, I always use Nyi as my lech libidinous onasism. Oh Lord I disgust myself, I hated myself... I hate to be here ... I am really strangulated in this room, I am the Lech dirty person, the sweet Nyi is asleep so purely. I am just a mess for him.... A pervert .A nympho sodomite ....
I looked at the time ... the clock says it's 4 AM in the morning ... I can't sleep anymore, I dare not to go to bed anymore, that is the place that I .... Make NYI .....oh I hate the bed, I hated the room...I get up and go to the balcony looking around a bit, still tears won't stop yet. The pure fresh morning air goes through me like the laugh of my LOVE ... pure and fresh...but how am I going to face him now? What if this going on again? What if I get lost myself again? Oh Nyi, I pray not to love like this anymore in next life.
I looked at Nyi's room; ever shining room is covered with curtain ... Hmm NYI
I can see him through my balcony marble balusters ... I was just leaving him alone ...then I thought to myself .... He shouldn't be outside ... the weather is still cold....
My worried mind always wins my shameful mind ...
"NYI?"
"YES?"
Nyi shock a bit because he was not expecting at all, he looked at me and come closer on his side of the balcony.
"What are you doing, still cold you know?"
"Yeah I can't sleep, I wake up by a nightmare..."
He stops speaking and look at me and smile at me ... oh you are so adorable ...
"How about you?"
"Ohh ummm yes, I can't sleep either..."
"We haven't gone to Inya Lake side walk lately shall we go?"
"Still dark though , you sure?"
"Yeah, a couple minutes the sun gonna come out."
"You want to go?"
He nodded his head with a confirm smile.
'Ok then, let's go"
"Give me a second, I am going to wash myself, hey we are going to walk OK?"
"Ok , Ok I wait you front yard"
He wears an oversize white hoodie look like a bunny, still his face wet and some of his front hair too..
"You don't wipe off the wet gone again"
I rubbed his head to dry a bit with the wind , he let me do it, facing toward me, look so cute. And suddenly I remember the dream I just feel so chilly and I take my hand back quickly... he didn't notice it, just fingering on his hair fixing his hair do.
Both of us just simply walk to the lake silently, around the sidewalk ... the east start the golden dawn... under the city mist a couple car start going through, some gymnastic running through us and we can see them far away, Nyi's open his hand and taking fresh breath from the lake air ... doing some exercise I can see him through the mist like a snow doll which can fall down with one touch. If I tell him that he would furiously scolded me, he hates I tell him that he like famine. Sometimes I forget that the one I love is a Man.
I am not created for just showing and with a single touch it would fall down, this blooming is so precious for me, the whole forest I had been care for nothing. Yes, Nyi is my own forest, I resting place, my own comfort. So precious, so exquisite for me. I should take more care; I should be gentler with this ... with him ...
"WOW so beautiful, eh?"
We both sitting on the sidewalk bench, he is looking at the golden dawn, I was looking at my golden dawn.
"So... is it the first time we look at the sun in the morning together?"
I nodded my head to confirm him that this is the first time ever that we look at the golden dawn together.
"So which has not both of us do?"
Instantaneously asking me but I suddenly have no answer but he go on answering me...
"We have our meal on the same plate before, sleep together before, going on a trip together before, and now looking at the morning sun together ....oh I don't want to see the sunset actually"
"Hey, actually we did it before, umm 1999 December 31 we both looked at the sunset together on roof of your house remember?"
"AHHH yes,that was the last sun of century, wow it's had been a long time ago now..."
"So anything else we haven't done it before..."
"We done it everything actually you know, literally everything drinking beer, smoking a cigarette, going night club without telling our Mums,"
"Hahaha I still remember when we ran from Florida girls... they want to come with us that night we know nothing to deal with them ... run like hogs and dogs hahaha we were so wild back then ..."
He looked at the sky and laughing, why is that "a man laughing" is so attracting to me, it is because of "NYI's laugh" only attractive to me?
"Hey Ko Z, why are you up so early by the way?"
"Ohh, I am just ... wake up you know ... what did you dream anyway ...?"
He smiled with his canine teeth and looked at the lake, said...
"I was drowning actually" he speaks to me softly...
I know what he meant, that is a metaphor for ...seduced by someone ... hardly, our late grandma always said the words is for the girl who deprive by someone wicked. Which mean ...Nyi's saying is ....
"Strange you know, I let drown myself in to that ...actually"
He ironically smile at me and crushing the rock on the sidewalk...grass ...I don't blame him that he thought I know nothing what he was saying but I know... what he meant by it ... it was the nightmare that I give him... I am the one ...Oh sorry Nyi ... so sorry ...my love
"Maybe because of the weather I think nearly winter you know, sometime I've got cold flush ... and dream by it. I am going to lay back a while come on move a bit ..."
"Hey the bench is still wet with mist"
"It's ok I am going to lay on you tight anyway ..."
Saying and he lay on my tight, I feel very guilty, i can see him clearly from up, pinky cheek and pinky lips.
"You miss Grandma?"
"Humm?"
He closed his eyes and remembering our late grandma. Why?
"So you did not miss her a bit at all"
Nyi's right, I have been busy and stuck in my work, had no chance to miss her, I am missing her right now ...though
"They were right"
"About what?"
"The longer forgotten, the longer you dead"
He was whispering himself actually,
I forget every miserable thing not because I want to,but because I am with you the one who I love the most. I put up his hair from his forehead and softly rubbing his head, but I take back my hand. I love him so much dare not to let it go, and dare not to keep it for myself. why? Is it because loving too much...
"Nyi?"
"YES?"
"I am going to introduce Mahar to my family; Mum's keep asking me to do it"
"Really, good"
I saw his eyebrows were moved by shock, but he showed nothing about it. He just stand up again... open his arms ... doing some exercise again turning his waist, and stand running ...I feel the warmth of my tight which he lay his head on me, I don't want it to be gone. I have no chance to keep him in my life but I want every little thing as possible. I am crazy in LOVE with you Nyi.
He looked at the sky and up his arms over his head, turns his back on me, I can even see his waist ... whatever I see in him everything is so attractive, so .... He yawned a bit and he turned to me ...and said ... rubbing my shoulder ...
"Tell me the date, I cook for it, I want her family in love with my culinary skills and the taste of our family let me show emm OK you believe in me right?"
He turn back again and pull down his sweater to cover it all, he hand me... to get up..
"Let's go home" the sun is rising, I can still feel the warmth of his hand, the ever helping hand. I mark myself not to forget the touch of it. Oh Nyi' I am scared of TOMORROW now.
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Beside the Inyar Lake sidewalk the boy who yawn and cover his tears for who he loved, and the boy who look behind him wipe fast the drop of tears for who he loved too, oh Cupid oh Eros if every truth love had the beautiful life why don't you let this love even more beautiful? Why?
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End of Chapter 22