33: giving into it all
"At least we've had some time without the boys around," Sam said as the three of us were sat in my bedroom, talking amongst ourselves and getting caught up on each other's lives. Abbie was last to go, so we gave her our full attention, after expressing an eager agreement with Sam's statement.
"I can't believe Luke's back in my life, honestly. Part of me can, but part of me is still so... hesitant."
"You guys just reconnected, so I think being hesitant is sort of a survival strategy, you know?" Abbie nodded and sighed quietly as she fell backwards on my bed. "Even after everything happened, I never stopped feeling the way I do about him. I mean, of course that's common, but... as much as it hurt me, I didn't hate him for what he did. Every time either of you would say something bad about him, to cheer me up, or when you'd threaten his life, Sam... I never wanted to hear those things," Abbie said meekly, almost as if she was embarrassed of the truth. "I knew he messed up, but I was so ready to give him another chance. But I knew if I showed that, then you two would be on my case and Luke would've probably crawled back way too soon."
"Surely you hated him just a little?"
"I wanted to, sure... but I never did. I don't think I could, not even if I tried really hard."
"If that's how you feel... why are you building everything up so slowly then?" Sam asked—she wasn't judging, instead she seemed to be genuinely curious. Abbie sat up slowly and looked from me to Sam.
"Because as much as I'm willing to forgive him, this is something that he's had to learn from. I think it's sort of good that he's been hurting, even if that makes me sound psycho. It's good for him to learn that he has responsibility and something like what we had can't come free to him. As much as I want to just jump back into things, I know that would just be a disaster." I bit my lip gently at Abbie's words and I couldn't fathom being in her place. "What he did was wrong, but he knows that. I can only blame him to an extent for being scared and for being hesitant. No matter what, he shouldn't have done what he did, but... he didn't do it out of malice or bad intent. He just fucked up, and everyone's going to fuck up sometimes."
"Do you love him, Abs?" I was surprised by Sam's question—especially how she had sounded when saying it. Sam was laying on the rug in my room, on her stomach, with her feet kicked in the air and her chin supported by her hands. She asked in an almost yearning tone.
"Yeah, I do," Abbie said, her voice surprisingly mighty as she admitted it. "I don't know if I'm in love with him, but there's no doubt that I love Luke. He can be such an idiot, but... I know how good of a person he is, and how much he cares. My trust for him is sort of wire thin, but I love him too much to not let him try again. And he's so willing to try." I was left slightly stunned by Abbie's words—I wondered what it felt to be that certain of feeling love for someone. Obviously I loved my family and my friends, but loving someone outside of those circles seemed nearly impossible.
But I suppose when you love someone, they enter into both.
"How long do you think it takes to be in love?" Sam asked as she rolled over onto her back, looking up at my ceiling as she let out a sigh.
"Sam, you're starting to worry me down there," I said through a laugh. "What's going on in that head of yours?"
"You thinking about messing around and falling in love with Mikey?" Abbie teased, which got us both laughing, but Sam's expression caused me to stop. She had taken her lower lip between her teeth and was avoiding eye contact with either of us.
"Samantha Crew," I said sternly, wanting her to talk. She let out a frustrated groan before placing her hands over her face. "Sam!"
"Look, it's not even that it's specifically Michael! I just..." Sam bolted up right and looked over at us. "I know this is going to sound crazy, especially coming from my mouth, but recently I've just been thinking... about how nice it would be to feel secure with someone else? Ever since Frankie fucking Douglas, I've completely given up on the male gender, but now that I've been giving into Michael a little... I don't know, it just sorta makes me want something. Why not have some fun, you know? Sure, my heart could be broken by the end of whatever fun I think I'll have, but... isn't that almost better than never doing anything? I can't have one experience from Freshman year keep me terrified to ever do anything. I mean, even if it ends poorly, or not in the way I might necessarily want... I'd still be experiencing something. And what's better than letting yourself experience whatever comes your way?" I blinked blankly as I stared at Sam and I felt as though I was talking to a new human. I slowly looked over at Abbie to see her smiling wide, which was not what I had expected to witness.
"Sam—I think you're completely right! And I'm happy that you've come to accept this new outlook," Abbie basically congratulated Sam, the both of them suddenly all smiles, while I was left confused.
"A week of flirting with Michael Clifford rewarded you with that mindset?" I asked, catching both of the girls' attention. "I mean, it's great that you're looking at things that way now, or at least wanting to, but... how does that happen? Last week you would've rather died than give into all the high school romance bullshit."
"You're not having fun with Calum?"
"Of course I'm having fun with Calum," I said, not wanting either of them thinking that I didn't have feelings for him or appreciate spending time with him. "But that doesn't make me any less hesitant to get things started with him. When I'm not thinking about the bigger picture, being with Calum makes sense, but... the second I realize what's actually going on, I freak out."
"And what's actually going on?" Abbie asked, seeming to know something that I didn't. She was smirking and I didn't know what she was up to, but I didn't like it.
"I don't know how to explain it," I told her, shrugging my shoulders. "I mean... I guess just... giving into it all."
"Are you sure that falling for Calum isn't the thing giving you grief? Because you don't want to let yourself have fun, or you don't want to go against some bullshit your core feels or believes?" I rolled my eyes at Abbie's words, but only because I knew she was right.
"But how do I get over that? How does anyone get over that?"
"A little thing called trust goes a long way," Abbie told me. "If you don't trust Calum, you'll never actually be happy with him."
"Well, I want to trust him... I just don't know how to," I said with a sigh as I fell backward into my pillows. "I trust him more than I thought I'd be able to, but... something's keeping me from making the full switch."
"What would your mom say?" I felt my heart pound as Sam spoke and I looked up to see that she was standing next to my bed. "C'mon, you know what she'd say... so what is it?" Sam made a space for herself on the bed and I sighed quietly as I sat back up, giving her more room in the process.
"She'd probably just say that I was keeping myself from trusting him, because I'm the one always getting into my
own head. But she'd also say that... well, that I'm the one that knows myself best. And that it's okay to take some extra time to find the right answer, but—"
"—to make sure you've mastered the whole equation first," Sam spoke in unison with me, which made me laugh—I sometimes forget that Sam lost her, too. My mom meant a lot to her, and she had heard plenty of her talks.
"You have to find all the variables first, is what that means. And you have to realize that your own perceptions take up a big percentage of that total answer. But every variable is just as important. Because without them, you don't have the answer." I reached forward and wrapped my arms around Sam, and she immediately hugged me back. "You have to let yourself give in, otherwise it'll never work. And I know I would've told you that it was crazy to let yourself give into Calum Hood's charm a week ago, but I've changed. Somehow, for some reason... and I want you to give him a chance, because I like the way that boy looks at you."
All three of us began to laugh as I pulled away from Sam and I glanced at Abbie to see that she was nodding, to agree with Sam's words.
"We might have three idiots on our hands, but they're idiots who care a lot. And they especially care a lot about us."
Just as the three of us had leaned in and wrapped our arms around one another, I heard my front door close. I smiled at the sound and pulled away before telling Abbie to call the boys while I go talk to my dad.
I left my room and skipped down the steps, running into my dad in the hallway.
"Geez, you scared me," he said through a nervous laugh before wrapping his arms around me and hugging me tight. "Hey, kiddo."
"Hey," I said as I smiled up at him. "You're sure you're okay with these hooligans coming over?"
"I don't think I agreed to hooligans."
"Sorry, I forget that's not an adopted synonym to boys," I joked which caused my dad to laugh. "I appreciate you being cool about this."
"I'm a cool guy... why wouldn't I be cool about it?" I shut my eyes at my dad's way of saying the word cool and he seemed to be amused by my clear embarrassment. "When are they going to be here?"
"Abbie's upstairs calling them, so probably ten minutes or so?" My dad nodded and looked down at his phone for a second. "Did you want to order pizzas?"
"Yeah, I'll get on that." My dad leaned down and kissed my head as he started to pass me. "Uh—I have a call I have to take in about twenty minutes, so I'll just be upstairs. It shouldn't be a long call, so I'll come down to socialize at some point—but I'll be cool." I laughed at him as he started to walk backwards toward the stairs, but nodded my head and gave him a thumbs up.
"Could you tell the girls to come down?"
"You got it," he said before turning around and disappearing from view. I walked into the kitchen and poured myself a glass of water before making my way to the living room. A minute or two later, I heard Abbie's voice coming closer.
"Yes, Luke," she said, sounding amused but also slightly irritated. "Yes, I told you! Just get over here." She let out a laugh as she walked into the living room, followed closely by Sam. "I'm hanging up now! Bye bye."
"What was that about?" I asked as the two of them walked around the couches. Sam handed me my phone and I thanked her as I took it from her hands.
"He was just being an idiot—I think those boys care more about seeing your dad than us." My eyes rolled and that caused Abbie to laugh. "I'm gonna go grab a soda—do you want something, Sam?"
"I'm okay," Sam said with a shrug as she took a seat next to me. Abbie nodded and left the room.
"Thanks for using my mom against me up there," I joked which caused Sam to laugh.
"Anytime," Sam told me with a wink as she sat back. She bit her lip gently and I observed her sudden change in behavior.
"Hey... what's up?" I asked Sam as I scooted closer to her.
"I don't want to make you upset by saying this, it's just... your mom would be so good to talk to during all of this," Sam said with a sigh as she looked down at her lap. "I've been thinking about her a lot, is all. I always loved talking to her because it was so easy, and that's before any of what I was talking about even mattered. These days I like talking to my mom, but she's not as good at it—but I'd never tell her that."
"You've always got me, Sam. I know I'm not as wise, but I'll try to step up in anyway you need," I told her as I bit my lip gently. "I miss having her here to talk to, too. You know I tell Dad everything, but... this relationship stuff? It's not as easy."
"Having each other is what matters most, yeah?" I smiled at Sam's words and nodded eagerly, which sent her smiling too.
Abbie walked back into the room and the three of us immediately began talking about how unexpected it was that the three of us would all be interested in boys at the same time, and that they'd all be friends.
After awhile of us talking, there was a knock on the door that was immediately followed by the sound of my doorbell. I rolled my eyes as I let out a soft laugh and I told the girls I'd let them in.
I walked to the door and opened it swiftly, smiling at the three boys who were standing patiently outside.
"I personally think the popcorn you guys sell sucks, so I'll pass. Thanks for stopping by!" I started to close the door in their faces, but they all countered and started to argue. I laughed and let them in before leading them to the living room.
"You think you're so funny, huh?" Michael asked me and I nodded proudly, which caused him to chuckle. Calum took my hand in his as I was turned to look at Michael and I smiled at the gesture, before looking up at him.
"Hey," I greeted.
"Hey," he said with a smile, as we walked to the couch.
"My dad's on a call right now, but he'll be down to give you all a good scare soon. And he's ordering pizza, so hopefully you all are hungry."
All of us sat down, with our respective fellas beside us, and the boys assured me that they were in the mood for pizza.
"We sort of had a plan to take you guys out for food, but I guess pizza at home works too," Luke said with a shrug. "So, what have the gals been up to?"
"Sorry to change plans—"
"No, no, pizza sounds really good," Luke promised me, sending me a sweet smile which worked to comfort me.
"We've been talking about how much we hate you guys," Abbie said, answering Luke's question before she leaned in and kissed Luke on the cheek.
"We gave them too much time on their own," Calum said, pretending to be upset as he hung his head. I laughed at the dramatic action and watched as he broke into a smile.
"It was their plan all along," Michael pouted. I looked over at him as I let out a quiet laugh and my breath hitched in my throat as I felt Calum place his hand on my thigh.
I didn't mind his hand there, I just hadn't expected it. I glanced down at his hand placement before looking up at him. He started to take his hand away, seeming worried that I didn't like it, but I simply took his hand in mine before putting it back down where it had been. This time, the slightest bit closer to my knee instead. Calum flashed me a smile and I did the same in return before tuning back into what the others were saying.
The next thirty minutes were spent with mostly Michael and Sam talking—it was clear that they were the loudest out of our separate friend groups, and I thought that made them more perfect for each other. Sam's always the one to talk herself out of an awkward situation, so when she's comfortable, she thrives in conversation.
Luke and Calum were almost evenly matched for being quietest, but Calum seemed to get his word in more than Luke ever tried to. Abbie was nearly as talkative as Sam, but Abbie knew when to stop or when to let someone else talk.
I loved Sam, but she didn't pick up on every social cue.
I, on the other hand, loved playing spectator. Being quiet and learning things about the people around me had always been my favorite thing to do when in groups of people. I didn't mind talking, although I definitely could be awkward and nervous, but socializing was never something I dreaded. Unless it was a huge group, or a party.
"Well, well, well." I physically jumped as I heard my dad's
voice and Calum let out a laugh as he notice how startled I had gotten. I hurried to push Calum's hand off of me before my dad could see and I worried that it would hurt Calum's feelings, but there was a lot my dad didn't know and that I didn't want him thinking.
"Mr. J!" Michael and Sam greeted in unison, which caused the rest of us to laugh.
"I'm Michael—you probably don't know my name. And this is—"
"Luke and Calum," My dad named off the other two boys and they both smiled. "Hey there."
"It's good to see you, Mr. Jacobson," Calum said sturdily, his voice confident and sure.
"You as well, son." My brows raised slightly at the name my dad had called Calum, but I tried not to let my surprise show.
"So," Dad began as he took a seat on the couch's arm, close to Calum. "Does pizza sound good to everyone?"
"Yes, definitely," Luke replied; so eagerly that it made laugh.
"That sounds great," Abbie agreed. We spent the next couple of minutes deciding what kind of pizza we wanted.
"So, what project are you working on?" My dad asked, clearly knowing that we didn't have a project to work on.
"It's a socializing project—for communications," Michael fibbed which caused me to giggle. "We've been tasked with attempting successful in-person communication with our peers."
"Ah, of course. It makes so much sense," Dad played along, sending me a wink. "Well, I'm sure communicating with some old geezer isn't part of the assignment, so I'll get out of your hair." The lot of us thanked my dad for ordering the pizza and he waved before leaving the room.
"I love your dad," Michael admitted which caused my eyes to roll playfully as I laughed loudly. "I'm not kidding."
"Okay—what're we gonna do?" Luke asked, laying back against Abbie who was trying to push him off as she laughed. "Got any board games, Jacobson?"
"Board games?" Michael asked, just before groaning. "Luke, you're boring. No one wants to play your kind of games."
"Ha-ha," Luke mocked before rolling his eyes. "What do you suggest then, Mike?"
"I don't have any ideas," Michael said with a shrug.
"Then don't say my ideas are crap," Luke muttered. "Maya, it's up to you."
"I mean... I don't know what you guys would want to do. We have ping pong and some old arcade machines in the basement?"
"Basement?" Calum asked, seeming surprised.
"Um? What the hell are we doing up here, then?" Michael asked as he shot up. "Show us the way, Jacobson!"
"Okay, okay," I told him through a laugh as I stood up. "Before I take you all down there—you have to promise to be careful. The machines are old and they mean a lot to my dad, okay?"
"Yes, ma'am," Luke and Michael spoke in unison and I looked down at Calum, waiting for him to promise.
"Oh—of course! Yes," Calum said, seeming to have been spacing out before I had looked at him.
"Dad!" I yelled out, wanting to tell him we'd be downstairs.
"Yes?"
"We're going downstairs."
a/n:
worst possible ending maybe ever 😅 ✨✨✨ but i wanted to get this chapter out !!!!! it's been in my drafts unfinished forever so here it is !!
it's been years, we don't have to talk about it. maybe i'll get better at updating this story but maybe i'll get worse. genuinely only a handful of u are still here (and don't even deserve the few of u !!!) but i hope u can forgive for my shit updating schedule
i have too many stories 😔 i ruined my wattpad career bc i could stop starting new stories !! it's addicting !!!
but i love you all so very much !!!
thank you for reading !!! sorry if it sucked <333
jill