I storm into my own cabin and slam the door.
I hate Eleanor Evans.
The words play in my head like a broken type as I kick the bed repeatedly.
How could she say that! Why wouldn't she want to live! How can she not care!
I pace the room, the sound of my ragged breathing fills the room.
She has everything. Perfect family, a degree, and money! What else does she want? How can someone not want to live while having everything out there that there is to have!
Of all people, how can she not understand the depth of death and what dying means? And why she wants to put everyone around her through that pain.
If I had stayed a second longer in her room, I would have said worse things.
Her words hurt like hell. It's even more frustrating I don't have a valid or logical reason for it. I don't know why it hurt me that much. I hate her for having this effect on me.
It infuriates me how deeply her words plunged through me. I don't know what's happening to me.
It's her life, her choices, but why do I feel like she's betraying me in the worst ways possible? Pushing me into an affliction I've never experienced before.
I hate her for even considering dying, but that's not even practical. It's her fucking life and it's none of my business, but it torments me.
I used to believe I've gone through all sorts of pain a human can go through, but the pain caused by her words was different. It struck somewhere new, I didn't even know of its existence.
Similar to ten types of venomous snakes biting me, destroying me from the inside while knife after knife stabs my chest.
I was wrong, her eyes aren't like layered clouds, they are poisonous gas, suffocating and stifling anyone who gets close to her.
But yet, how can she say that? How can she think that way?
I lean to the dresser and push my hands through my hair, trying to calm my breathing.
I'm mad at myself for not knowing why her words hurt me. And I directed my rage and frustration at her, again.
Her presence causes a whirlwind in my head, messing with my thoughts, throwing all my logic and senses off balance. She disorients me.
And I hate myself for not being able to stop her from doing that, but I don't even know how she's doing it.
Each day it gets harder to pull off the cool act around her. I can't seem to be able to not care. I can't not notice how I feel like I'm standing next to the fucking sun when she smiles. It brightens my day, warms me from the inside, melting me. And burns me with the harsh reality of all the things that I want but can't have, because of my own stupidities.
I can't be that arrogant and indifferent Adrien around her. And that fucking terrifies me. It was my pride the full control I had and still have over my thoughts and emotions, but everything gets thrown out of the window when Eleanor walks into the room.
Her presence is a combination of feelings. The friction between the excitement and calmness she causes in me sets me on fire. The terrifying part is, I enjoy burning in that fire.
Shaking my head, I walk to the cupboard and pick a glass. I scan through the drinks' labels until I settle with the scotch and pour it into my glass. For a long moment, I stare at the orange liquid.
I hate how I lose control when Eleanor's in the picture, I lose the capability of thinking straight.
The words hurt me, the thought of her not wanting to live was agonizing. And these feelings terrified me. Not understanding the logical reason behind the pain enraged me. I got mad at myself, but I told her I hate her. Why am I so fucking stupid!
I hurl the glass towards the wall. It shatters, the pieces falling and breaking into smaller shards while the drink streams down the wall.
I hurt her again, but I was so deep into my own tangled thoughts that blamed her for everything.
She was right, we shouldn't have talked about it after everything that had happened today.
I hurt my Eleanor. I'm trying so damn hard to be good, but every time I fail, and she's always the one paying the price.
My heart aches at the thought, my chest rises and falls rapidly as I pick the whiskey bottle and fling it to the wall. It crashes loudly, the sound echoes in the room.
Today was too much.
I stare at the broken pieces of glass and lean back to the dresser, as my hard breathing slowly goes back to normal while every thought vacates my head.
Seconds, minutes or maybe hours of nothingness passes until Arianna's voice breaks the bubble of emptiness I'd been in.
"What's going on?" she questions as walks into the room, her eyes wander around, and linger on the broken pieces of glass. She closes the door and crosses her arms in front of her chest.
"Adrien, what happened?" she asks in a firm voice.
I blink a few times until her words sink into my mind and make sense.
"Did you two have a fight?" she inquires.
I stare at her. I'm not planning on telling her what happened between us. Not because she'll judge me or anything, rather the fear that she'll confirm the guess that's been trying to edge to the surface and I've been shoving it away.
I need to have a better grip on myself when I ask about her opinion, if she thinks Eleanor might still have depression and might be in the danger of attempting suicide. I know it's a side effect of depression sometimes, and she did mention it hasn't been a year since she's been off her pills back in Amsterdam.
It might be possible, but I don't want to consider that. Not now at least. I'm scared that if I delve deeper into it, it'll be clear that it's my fault she has got to this point, that I'm the reason, or at least one of the reasons, behind her depression.
For now, I want to believe the three of us are keeping her happy enough that even if it is true, she wouldn't consider it.
"Adrien!" she shouts and snaps my attention to herself. "Did you seriously have a fight with her? You've got to be fucking shitting me. She almost drowned. You just saved her. What is wrong with you!"
"I don't know," I mumble and look away, crossing my arms in front of my chest.
"Adrien?" she asks in a tentative voice.
I'm trying to push away the picture of her pale features when she was underwater, or her words and the hurt but I can't. It's out of my control. My eyes burn and my vision gets blurry. I'm tired of constantly trying and failing to be a better person.
Why does everything have to be so complicated?
Why does she have to be the girl Jace liked? Why did I have to have a crush on her? Why did I have to bully her? Why do I keep on hurting her? Of all people, why does Eleanor not want to live? Of over four billion girls on Earth, why do I have to be attracted to her?
"Hey." She approaches me and wraps her arms around my shoulder. "It's been a rough day. Everything will work out, okay? Even if you have hurt her, I'm sure you'll find a way and fix it," she soothes in soft whispers and I nod.
I pull away from her embrace and rub my eyes with the heels of my hands and then push my fingers through my hair. Her gaze doesn't move away from me.
"I'm fine," I assure her, and she offers a small smile.
"Do you want me to talk to her?" she suggests but I shake my head.
"I'll fix it," or try to.
She sighs and nods, "You know it doesn't suit you being down like this, chopsticks," she beams.
I roll my eyes and groan, "I thought you quit saying that,"
She giggles, "I don't say it in front of El, 'cause I'm not planning on dying young, but that doesn't change the fact that you're still thin as chopsticks."
I snort and straighten myself.
"You know, you'll soon be losing your game to Dylan if you keep on staying like this," she notes.
I glare at her, "I won't, and you don't need to worry about my game."
She raises her eyebrows, "Really? You're gonna stop being a playboy for El, wow."
"I've never been a playboy and get the fuck out of my room," I snap and she laughs.
"Yeah, sure. Tell me with which girl you didn't sleep with back in senior year high school, except El? When I came back in the middle of the year you had already slept with every senior and you were moving to juniors."
I roll my eyes. "Seriously, stay out of it," I mutter.
"Oh you think I enjoyed hearing every girl talk about sleeping with my cousin? It was fucking nightmarish and disgusting! And you made me go through that." She fake shivers and scrunches up her face.
"Get over it, it's been five years now."
"Whatever, but I seriously think you should start hitting the gym with Dylan," she states before mumbling, "it can help with the anger too." And looks at the broken pieces of glass.
"If you're trying to say I have anger issues-" I start but she holds her hand up.
"I'm not trying to tell you, I'm outright telling you, Adi you have anger issues. You can't go hurting people, saying shit you don't mean and then regret it the next moment. You need to get it under control. Even people like Eleanor stop forgiving after a while."
I nod. She is right and I fear the arrival of the day Eleanor wouldn't forgive me.
It took me so long to make her not feel as anxious as she used to be around me but I ruined it in seconds by uttering three stupid words that I didn't even mean.
I can't hate her, not even if I put my entire willpower into doing so.
No one can hate her, she's like a freaking angel. Of course, she gets annoyed a little too fast from time to time, for idiotic reasons like why I repeated the same mistake two times in a row while editing Ri's videos. Or her obsession with everything being flawless. But everyone has flaws and hers are the most bearable ones. The cutest ones.
"By the way, Dylan's with her. Took her some food," Ari informs.
I turn my gaze to her and she pushes a strand of hair behind her ear, and continues, "He was freaking out the whole time you know, but was trying to keep his cool, kept bugging me to go check on her all the while that I was up on the deck. She scared all of us, I'd never seen Dylan that freaked out."
I sigh.
"When is she going to tell Theodor about what happened?" she asks.
I shrug, "I don't know."
"Don't push her for answers though," she speaks with her eyebrows raised high. I had done just that. "Everyone has a different coping mechanism. Just like Dylan trying to act it cool and pushing me to check on her instead of himself, I guess she's taking the not caring path, so don't force her for anything, okay?"
I nod.
Waves of anger crash into my system as my stupidity gets more vivid with each passing second.
If only she knew I had done all the things she has advised me against doing.
Everything was going perfect between us, why did I have to ruin it again!
I have to win her back, no matter what. I must apologize to her as soon as possible and start showing her I didn't mean those shitty things I told her.