Day 45
I unzip my suitcase but not bother with unpacking. We're only staying for three days, almost.
I yawn and plop down on my bed, bouncing on it out of habit. It always feels good, no matter the age.
For four nights straight I've had nightmares, making me jump in the midst of my slumber covered in sweat. The damn dreams returned the moment I thought everything's going incredible.
Continuous loud raps startle me. With a groan, I push myself up, fixing my glasses as I trudge to the doorway.
Waking up early should be illegal. I need caffeine.
Two hours of sleep is not adequate by any means.
I still don't understand why Dylan insisted on leaving Austria first thing in the freaking dawn. We went to all the tourist attractions in Vienna, but that wasn't supposed to mean just because we're done, we have to leave at five AM. And be in this hotel at nine. And he slept the whole way! Who can doss down in a train that easily!
I pull open the door, with annoyance; coming face to face with three wide awake idiots who don't value the morning sleep.
"Someone's in a bad mood," Dylan muses, grinning at me. I scowl at him as he strides past me into my room.
The other two follow him. Adrien closes the door, letting me plod behind Arianna. Dylan throws himself on the loveseat and Arianna stands at the foot of my bed.
I wonder how she did her makeup this early in the day.
Adrien stops next to me and Arianna claps once, indicating she wants to talk.
"I had an idea," she announces, and I put my whole will power into use for not groaning. "I'm serious Eleanor," she adds, shooting a glare in my direction and I roll my eyes.
Adrien checks his wristwatch, "Your coffee and the rest of the drinks should be here any minute now," he states.
I frown, crossing my arms in front of my chest, "I didn't order anything," I grumble.
"I did," he shoves his hands through his pants pockets.
Unable to stop myself, I look at him with an arched eyebrow. He glances at me, noticing my surprise, and shrugs.
"Great. But I wanted to say-" sharp knocks interrupts her.
I turn to receive the refreshments but catch Adrien's gaze lingering on Dylan. He rolls his eyes and sighs, "I'll get it," and pushes himself off of the seat.
A moment later Dylan walks back, pushing a cart containing drinks and most importantly my coffee.
Even looking at it brightens my frame of mind.
Without wasting a second, I pick the glass, closing off the outside world. I deeply inhale my icy espresso, filling my nostrils with the wonderful scent of it before sipping and savoring the taste. A grin cracks on my lips. When I open my eyes, Adrien's focus is on me, a loop sided smile playing on his face.
On a scale of one to ten in embarrassing situations, this could be seven or eight. But I can't seem to be capable of socializing before my morning coffee.
I draw another sip, mainly to hide the heat rushing to my cheeks.
"Okay, people. If you'd let me, I want to share my idea," Arianna repeats herself. I swallow my laugh along with my drink. She looks like a kid, seconds away from stomping and screaming for attention.
She surveys us, and begins, "Since we get drunk a lot and for lots of other reasons. I think we should have each other's keycards for the rest of the trip,"
I try to not glance at Adrien, but having that is such a Theodor thing to do. And only Adrien spoke to Theo.
Could it be? Maybe I'm being paranoid or even a pessimist. I chew my bottom lip.
My brother still hasn't talked to me, I would've reached out to him if I was apprised of his work schedule. I contacted Grace two nights ago, sent her a text, and she called me a minute later. Apparently, he was asleep.
Is it possible he didn't talk to me but has spoken to Adrien? He wouldn't drag it that far, right? But he looked crazier than usual in Geneva. I wish I was cognizant of what's happening. But I don't even know if they have each other's phone numbers.
He said he missed his stubborn sister, and now that's what I'm giving him. I will not contact him, no matter what. It's already too much I have to give every detail to Mom or Dad each day.
"Earth to Eleanor!" Arianna's voice snaps me out of my thoughts. I blink a few times, noticing her hand waving in front of my face.
"Sorry," I mutter, looking elsewhere.
"So, what do you think?" she asks, tilting her head.
I shrug, "It could be good," I mean logic wise, it's smart. Their alcohol consumption sure is sky high, going from one bar to the other till dawn. And it might be useful, if either of them is too intoxicated to unlock its door.
"I won't take responsibility," Dylan announces.
"Why am I not surprised," Arianna remarks, shooting a glare to him.
We settle on Dylan having no ones. With Adrien's insistence, he and Arianna have the spares of the other three of us. I've got Arianna's and Adrien's. They seem satisfied with the result.
***
I change into my bathing suit, just in case, and put on shorts and a loose crop top over it. It's not like I'll be swimming or taking off these clothes. The confidence needed to parade in swimsuit does not exist in a single fiber in my body.
I stare at my reflection, pulling down the shorts slightly. Too much skin. I can't wear my usual pants that reach below my knees, it's near the pool and the possibility of water being splashed to it is high. And I hate wet clothes clinging to the skin.
I wish I had prettier legs. Or at least a higher state of confidence.
My skin is too pale, but I'm not planning on dying with cancer, so tanning is always off-limits. Not to mention I already have two grandparents that passed away due to this illness, which puts the entire family in danger of having potential cancer cells. I am not ready to tip them off just yet. My obsession with death does not lead me to fancy putting myself in painful situations. I despise pain. Plus, I saw Grandpa with my own eyes, and it was hell.
With a last tug to the hem of my shorts, I step aside from the mirror.
Slipping my phone and keycard into my pockets, on either side, I head out of my room.
I would have preferred to stay in my suite, but Arianna insisted on getting me down in the swimming pool. The three of them decided to spend the morning relaxing and start going around after lunch.
I enter the elevator and hit the button of the pool's floor, chewing my lip. My heart pounds in my chest.
I've noticed there are good days and bad days. There are days I can look forward to being normal. My description of normalcy, equalizes not having sweaty palms, fidgeting fingers, and other side effects.
The bad days though, forming a solo worded phrase without having all those symptoms in its extreme measures seem impossible.
With a clicking sound, the door slides open, and I tread outside.
On a scale of one to ten in how bad the 'Bad Day' is, the closer it gets to ten the longer it lasts. If today's an eight, then tomorrow and after tomorrow won't be lesser than six.
Unfortunately, this rule doesn't apply to the Good days.
The variables in control of keeping life balanced are too many that even thinking about it frustrates me. Instead, I just have to go along with this dividing method.
I push my glasses up my nose and drag myself into the swimming pool area. Arianna's loud giggles fill the air as Dylan keeps talking. "Took your time," he comments, being the first noticing me.
I offer him a small smile.
I think today is a seven on the BD scale.
"You look great, but you can't swim in that," Arianna notes as I walk to the chairs placed under a gigantic umbrella.
"I know," I mumble as I arrange my cellphone and keycard in a line on the round table, after sitting and crossing my legs.
Adrien paces up and down, his phone pressed to his ear, a deep frown furrowing his brows, mouth pursed.
"I understand," He mutters, placing his free palm on his hip.
Arianna stares at him with curiosity, while Dylan busies himself with the cracks in the ground.
"Bye," he utters and hangs up.
"Who was it?" she inquires, with a curious gaze.
"Dad," he answers as he strides to us, and sets his iPhone next to mine.
"Is everything okay there?" she wonders.
Adrien pushes his hand through his hair, "Yes, Ri. If something was wrong, I would've told you without waiting for you to ask," he snaps, startling her.
She holds her hands up in mock defeat, "My bad,"
I stare down at my fidgeting fingers. Out of the corner of my eye, I catch Dylan still staring at his feet.
It's none of my business, but I have an insane feeling that whatever discussion happened between Adrien and his father must have had to do with Dylan. Otherwise, why would he be so uncharacteristically quiet?
But since I believe and intend to follow the simple rule of never asking and interfering in other people's matters unless I'm asked to, for avoiding potential and unnecessary drama. I push the thought aside.
I chew my lip and my gaze travels. Adrien leans to the table, crossing his arms.
Arianna ties her hair up in a neat bun, removes her shirt and shorts, revealing neon-colored bikini. "Don't know about you guys but because someone is pissy, I won't ruin my relaxing hours," she glances at Adrien, sticking her tongue out and fishes out her phone. In seconds, one of Taylor Swift's songs blares from her phone's speaker.
Adrien sighs and rolls his eyes. A man comes, carrying a tray with bright and colorful drinks on it, and places it in front of us.
Arianna jumps up and picks a cocktail. She sits on the armrest of my chair and takes a sip. Dylan stands on my other side, choosing another drink and gulps it.
She puts back her glass, "C'mon El," she says, her hand finding mine.
"I'm fine here," I squirm away from her grasp and she glares at me.
"Bummer," she rolls her eyes and drags Dylan with herself.
Only he surprises her by hauling her up. She squeals as he throws her into the pool, splashing the water approximately in five feet radius.
As Arianna resurfaces, she shrieks "Asshole," making the guys shake with laughter.
Resting my elbow on the thin armrest and watching, I smile.
"Down for a race?" Dylan suggests turning to Adrien.
He straightens himself and nods.
They both take off their shirts, throwing them on a chair as they near the edge of the pool. That's when I notice Dylan looks considerably bigger than Adrien. Not height-wise, he is literally Hagrid in muggle version, but in width. Dylan has the picture-perfect front cover magazine look, with the well-built abs and biceps and everything, while Adrien is a few pounds away from being unhealthy skinny. I guess this is the cost he paid to maintain his second rank throughout the fours at Stanford. They adjust their posture and dive in.
The scar To Your Beautiful of Alessia Cara plays and I struggle to stop my mind from reflecting the words in my head.
I remember the days I had started with facing Avery's bold black letters calling me many names, usually stuck to my bathroom's mirror. Or in school, Sophia, Amanda, and Rebecca starting with body shaming and advanced it to all sorts of insults. It was an everyday cycle.
The lyrics are true, but wrong too. The paradox is painful.
People always have something to say. They consistently find reasons to judge. If someone has extra weight compared to what media shows, it has to undergo a bunch of labels. The same goes for smaller and thinner ones. Each suffers through various tags and names. Everyone knows how it feels, but yet they do it.
It sucks being a perfectionist in such a flawed world.
I shattered myself while trying desperately to be perfect. Struggling in vain to make myself into a person who can't be judged. I hate what I did to myself.
With a few blinks, I pull myself back to reality. Adrien and Dylan are swimming the length of the pool, Adrien in the lead. And he wins, a broad smile plastered across his face.
"Are you going to stay there the whole time?" Arianna complains, looking at me, pressing the side of her hand to her brow to shield her features from the sun.
"I'm comfortable here," I assure her, but she only squints.
"Well at least bring my drink for me, please?" and gives her best puppy dog eyes.
I huff and push myself off of my seat, picking up Arianna's glass. Dylan's phone rings and I inform him as I approach the pool carefully. He pulls himself out of the water and rushes off.
Arianna flashes a sheepish smile at me as I bend down and give it to her. She accepts it and takes a sip.
With caution, I retreat. As I'm about to spin around, a pair of hands land on my shoulders.
"The easy way, or the hard?" he asks.
"Dylan," I warn him as I try to remove his palms, but it's futile.
Arianna giggles as Adrien watches us with an amused expression.
"So?" he pushes.
"Neither, if you would just let go of me and-" I wiggle under his grasp.
He laughs, "Hard way it is," he announces and readjusts his stance, holding me in a firmer grip.
"Dylan don't! I don't swim," I ramble, but he ignores my attempts. "Dylan stop! I can't swim!" I squeal and his motions halt.
There you go, I told them. Another flaw.
He takes a step back, inspecting me with his lifted eyebrows.
"Are you serious?" Arianna asks, not sounding convinced.
I glance at Adrien, all the amusement has left his features.
"I skipped all my swimming classes and don't know how to swim, at all," I explain, emphasizing the last part.
"Shit, you should've said that sooner," Dylan says.
"Don't worry, we have a three-time gold-winning champion with ourselves here," Arianna exclaims as she pulls herself out.
Surprised, I turn to Dylan. He never mentioned that. Noticing my astonishment, he holds his palms up, "Not me,"
I frown and Arianna giggles as she wraps a towel around herself, "I meant Adi, but you can assume it's him if that's what you like."
Heat rushes to my cheeks. I'm sure Adrien was in basketball... but there is no rule saying a person cannot be in two sports simultaneously.
This is so embarrassing.
I wish the ground would open up and swallow me whole as I shift uncomfortably under Adrien's gaze. Resisting the urge to hide my face. Arianna's wet arm falls on my shoulders, pulling me down to her height.
"We won't let you drown. Please come into the pool? I hate seeing you there all by yourself."
I shake my head no, I push my glasses up my nose, avoiding everyone.
"Ellie, c'mon, you sitting there makes me feel guilty for being inside, and we can't have fun if you don't join us," her blue eyes glinting with anticipation.
I must learn how to decline.
A faint smile tugs on my lips, I sigh. "I'll sit on the edge," I state.
Her face lights up, "That's a start, I can work with that." And places both hands on her hips. "I'm waiting, put on your swimsuit."
"I'm fine in these," I claim.
Arianna rolls her eyes. "I will make you loosen up. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but definitely till the end of this trip," she promises and I smile at her determination.
I wonder if she finds out the thoughts in my mind would she still be this hopeful in helping me and changing me.
I think it's the side effect of several disturbed, sleepless nights that has me backtracking.
She unwraps the towel, throwing it on a nearby chair, grasps my hands, urges me to the edge.
"You need to be confident, confidence is sexy," she winks at me and I giggle. My shoulders slouch as I stand next to her and she poses, holding one hand up and the other down, imitating models.
I take off my sandals, chewing my lip. She dives back in. I find a dry spot, and sit down, letting my legs into the water, earning a grin from her.
Dylan jumps into the pool and I cover my face the best I can to not get soaked.
Placing my hands on either side of myself and leaning into them, I watch the three of them swim around, laugh along with their jokes, and try to enjoy. Even daring to slide closer to the edge, splashing water to Arianna and Dylan.
But the haunting truth remains. My flaws and incapability of doing different things keep me from being a part of any group, including ones as welcoming as this. Amid Arianna's tireless encouragements, Dylan's constant tries for interacting with me, I still can't move past my insecurities.
My broken pieces act similar to ropes tying around me, imprisoning me in dark places, under the surface of swirling demons.
"Let's race!" Arianna enthuses, keeping herself floating near me. She turns to me whispering, "Be careful not to slip, okay?"
I smile and nod my head as the guys agree to her offer.
"Loser pays for lunch, El will be the judge," she adds.
"That's not fair!" Dylan objects.
Adrien laughs and Arianna blows a kiss to him, fluttering her lashes says, "Life is not fair honey."
They swim to the end of the pool, adjusting themselves, and I count down as loud as I can, and a moment after I announce one they set to swimming.
A vibrating noise draws my attention, I look away from them.
I rise and dry my legs with a fresh towel. With hurried strides, I reach the table.
Theodor's name flashes on my phone. Surprised, I stare at it for a beat before picking it up and half run on my tiptoes, not wanting to have more contact to the ground barefoot. I enter a room with glass doors.
Plush sofas on both sides with the air conditioner blasting, I shut the door to block the music's sound. I receive Theo's call, standing behind the curtain, shielding myself from the blaring sun.
"Hi," I breathe out.
"Bad time? Took you a while to answer," Theodor questions.
"No," I mumble.
"How you've been?" he asks.
"Good, how about you?" I reply, I press my thumb to my bottom lip, forcing it between my teeth and chew it. It feels as though I'm speaking to a stranger.
"I've been well."
The line goes quiet, except for his breathing. Long moments pass, I hear Theo sigh, "Eleanor, are you still mad?"
"No," because I wasn't exactly angry. Disappointed would be a better word. Or hurt.
"Then why are you talking to me like this?" he demands with frustration.
"I don't know what to say," I admit.
He sighs again, "I didn't tell Mom and Dad anything."
His answer ignites small sparks of anger in me, I grip the phone tighter, "What exactly did you want to tell them?" I snap.
"Oh, so we're going to repeat everything?"
"I still can't believe you don't get it."
"What?" now he sounds angry too. Great.
I open my mouth but the words stick to my throat; the courage fading. "Why can't you just support me? Or try to understand me for once?" I plead. The edge of my eyes starts to burn.
A humorless laugh bounces off of my phone's speaker. "Support you in what? I would've understood you if you were doing something rational."
I draw deep breaths of air as quietly so he won't hear my trembling breathing.
Maybe I have to voice everything.
"Theodor, I'm sick of taking pills, I'm tired of all of you looking at me like a defective piece. A broken thing that needs fixing." With a shaky breath, I explain, "Being around you guys feels like drowning. A hand holding me down the surface, once in a while dragging me above it to inhale enough to stay alive but with pain and suffering." I rub my brow to ease the throbbing in my head, shutting my eyes and collecting my thoughts, and calming my thudding heart. "I need space to breathe. To collect and find me, to fix myself in my own accord. Demanding me to come back, makes everything worse. If you cannot help me, don't make it harder for me, please Theo."
Silence wraps its claws on either end. He breaks it by asking, "If you have so much problem with us, why did you never express it?"
"You labeled it word manipulation," I remind him and add, "Plus, Mom and Dad don't have the time for these talks, anyway. Not that they would listen."
Loud voices from the pool's direction distract me for a moment. I ignore it and focus on my call.
"You should've studied law, I bet you can recite everything I've ever told you," He laughs, but not in a kind way.
I whisper, "Theodor?" the brother I trusted more than anyone
"Unbelievable. You're not taking your pills properly, you're not following your doctor's instruction and it's our fault you're not getting better? Wow, Eleanor."
His words do not cut. They turn into a hammer and break somewhere deep down inside of me. A part I wasn't aware of its existence, now shattered by him.
I try to speak in a steady voice, "What is wrong with you? What has gotten into you?" this isn't like him.
Another cruel laugh. "If you cared for us, even the slightest, you would've called me, but no, because you're arrogant and stubborn as hell. I can't tell if I'm right or Avery's. She says you're acting you're not fine just to be the center of attention. But it's hard to choose between her assumptions or that you're so fucking sick and immature that you can't take responsibilities, and blame others for everything wrong with you. Or you're both. A sick, immature martyr."
My throat closes in. With trembling fingers, I hold my phone with effort in its place.
Perhaps he is right.
But I recognize the parts that need fixing, I just don't know how to fix them. I want to be better. I can't do that while being with them. I wanted to experience new things, do stuff I've never done before. Give myself one last shot to catch up to the life I've missed and perchance after doing all that I'll be satisfied with myself. Learn to accept myself and have an opportunity at being happy.
A tear escapes from my eye. I don't understand why his words are hurting me. It's the truth.
Maybe because he's considering I am acting. Perhaps the fear of Theodor turning to Avery is causing my entire body to tremble.
I'm losing him. My brother hates me.
"I'm sorry," I choke.
Nothing from the other end.
I inhale a sharp breath, "I'm sorry that you have such an awful sister, I wish you didn't have to worry and put up with me. I'm sorry I'm not better,"
"Honestly El, at this point do whatever the hell you wanna do. I can't help and support you when you yourself are not trying to get fixed," he pauses.
Can't he see I'm trying my best?
Why is my best never enough?
"I'm so sick and done with your shit Eleanor. Now I understand what Avery used to say. Guess she knew better all along."
Another tear slips and trails down my cheek, I swallow the lump in my throat.
"Enjoy your trip, Eleanor, and don't bother to act, Mom and Dad will find out too," he says and hangs up.
Moments tick away as I remain there, frozen. Eventually, my hand drops to my side, clutching my phone.
My mind a whirlwind of thoughts, too messed up to pinpoint a single thought. How can my mind be so full and empty at the same time?
Heart loudly thumping, with unsteady steps I walk past the curtain and open the glass door.
The moment I step outside, I'm bombarded with Arianna's frantic words. It takes me a second to process what she's saying.
"Eleanor, you gave us a heart attack, at first we thought you fell into the pool, we looked everywhere your stuff was here but you weren't! You scared the he-" she stops, one hand holding the towel around her body. She tilts her head to the side, "What's wrong?" she takes a step towards me.
I look around, Adrien has put on his shirt, but Dylan is only wearing his swimming shorts. They're all staring at me.
She approaches me with caution, and asks in a tender voice, "Eleanor, what's wrong?" her brows furrowing. "Ellie," Arianna walks to me, a hand reaching out to me.
"I'm sorry," I mumble. I sprint to the table, picking my card key, bending, I pick up my sandals.
"It's okay, we're not mad, you did nothing wrong, okay? We were just worried. El, what's wrong?" worry clouds Arianna's features. I take another step back, putting more distance with everyone.
I retreat further with trembling body, "I'm sorry," and without waiting I turn and run away.
I sprint to the safety of my room. But how can I run away from these thoughts?
+++
((Sorry for the long chapter, but hey! Told you a storm is coming XD
Well, what are your thoughts on this chapter? Team El or team Theo?
Next update will be on Friday. Thanks for reading, love you <3 ))