If y'all wanna feel some things during the flashback, I'd advise listening to "I Lost a Friend" by Finneas. And later on in the chapter, I'd advise listening to "Angel" by Finneas. Also, the whole The First Time playlist is on Spotify and it hits different when you read.
Spencer leans against one of the outside walls of FBI Headquarters, his gaze downcast, eyes focusing on the little ants making their way to the grass. His hand is in his pocket, fiddling with the phone he never uses, his mind somewhere far away from Quantico. The hot breeze hits him, ruffling his short hair.
He pulls out his phone, staring down at it. He'd gotten a new phone since college, a new number. The Bureau required it. He grips the phone, thinking that if he looks at it long enough, it might give him the advice he needs. Swallowing the lump in his throat, his fingers press the buttons, the number he memorized years ago still locked away in his brain. The number he'd been wanting to call for three years, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. His finger hovers over the call button, hesitating.
"Spencer?"
He whips his head around, eyes landing on Elle by the door leading into Headquarters. He quickly shoves his phone back in his pocket, offering her a half-hearted smile.
"Elle."
"What are you doing out here all alone?" She asks, walking over to him with her arms crossed. The wind blows through her hair, and she pushes it out of her face.
"I—uh...I was just thinking."
"Care to share?"
Spencer hesitates a moment before looking at Elle, her brown eyes scanning his face. "I graduated from Caltech with my third PhD three years ago today." His voice is quiet.
Elle nods slowly. "Is...how is that any different from your other graduations?"
Spencer's quiet, trying to suppress the tears he feels threatening to prick at his eyes. He swallows the lump in his throat, his hand gripping the phone in his pocket.
Elle's face softens. "Spencer, did you leave someone behind in California?" When he doesn't answer, she tilts her head. "Did you have a girlfriend?"
"She wasn't my girlfriend," Spencer says, biting the inside of his cheek. "She...I..."
"You loved her, though," Elle remarks, moving to touch Spencer's shoulder.
Spencer lets her, fixing his gaze again on the ants. "I didn't know I loved her at the time." Spencer clears his throat, trying to keep his voice even. "I didn't stay in touch because...I was scared." He laughs bitterly. "And it's so funny because I fucked it up. I think about her all the time and she probably doesn't even remember me."
"Spencer," Elle says firmly. He turns his head to look at her, tears threatening to spill over. "If she loved you as much as you loved her, she still thinks about you. Trust me."
The tears spill onto Spencer's cheeks, and he shakes his head. "She understood me, Elle. She was my best friend, and I messed it up. I left her standing on that stupid sidewalk three years ago today, and I know she was waiting for me, and I never called." He's full on crying now, body shaking slightly.
Spencer doesn't like hugs—but he doesn't object when Elle pulls him in for one. He wraps his arms around her, burying his head in the crook of her neck. She rubs his back as he cries, Spencer's thoughts filled with thoughts of the day he left her standing there. And he had promised—he'd promised her it wasn't the end. A promise that was quickly broken.
After a few minutes, Spencer pulls away, sniffling and wiping his eyes. He meets Elle's worried gaze, giving her a small smile.
"Thanks, Elle," he whispers.
"You're welcome, Spencer." Her voice is soft, eyes scanning his face.
"Please...please don't tell anyone about that," Spencer requests. "I don't really want the team to inquire about my past."
Elle gives him a smile. "I won't. You have my word."
A sharp pang rings through Spencer's chest but he forces a smile. Elle motions her head toward the building.
"Come on. They're about to brief us on a new case. Gideon and the rest of the team are waiting for you."
Elle turns around and Spencer's smile fades as he walks into the building, the phone burning a hole in his pocket.
"Yeah, sure." You pull the door open, moving aside so Spencer can walk in.
He crosses the threshold into your hotel room, and you close the door, turning back around. Spencer rocks on his heels, hands still in his pockets. He's still wearing his work clothes. You give him a smile, moving to walk over to your bed. You sit crisscross toward the middle, Spencer turning around to look at you.
"What did you wanna talk about?" You ask him, watching Spencer's eyes scan your face.
He sits on the edge of the bed, leaning on his right hand. "I'm sorry."
"You already apologized, Spencer," you say quietly, putting your hands in your lap.
Spencer shifts, mirroring your position, sitting crisscross across from you. "I know. But I feel like I need to do it again." Spencer runs a hand through his hair, pushing it back from his face. "I fucked it up, Ace. I fucked it all up. And it's my fault. It's my fault you were hurting."
You swallow the lump in your throat, averting your gaze to your hands, ignoring the sting of tears in your eyes. "Spencer—"
"Ace," Spencer interrupts. "Stop. Let me apologize." You're quiet, and Spencer puts his finger under your chin, pulling your head up so you can look at him. "I am so sorry, Ace. I'm sorry I couldn't let myself love you the way I wanted to. The way you needed to be loved." His lower lip trembles, his hazel eyes searching yours. "I'm sorry I hurt you. And I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you."
You're quiet, feeling the warm tears fall down your cheeks. "Were you hurting, too, Spencer?"
"That's not—"
"Spencer," you say firmly. "Were you hurting, too?"
He hesitates a moment before making eye contact with you again. "Yes."
"I'm sorry," you whisper, reaching over to cup his cheek with your hand, thumb brushing over a tear that had escaped.
Spencer's eyes search yours and he leans into your touch. "Please don't apologize to me. You didn't...you didn't do anything. It's my fault."
You run your thumb across his cheek, Spencer's hand leaving your chin and resting on your knee. After a minute, you remove your hand from his face, sticking up your pinky.
Spencer looks at your pinky, then back at your face. "What?"
"Pinky promise."
"Pinky promise what?"
"That you won't leave me again," you say, your voice breaking.
Spencer's lower lip trembles again at your voice, hooking his pinky around yours. You lean forward, pressing your lips against the end of your hand, Spencer copying your actions. You lower your still entwined pinkies, looking at Spencer.
"Now it's a real promise."
Spencer looks from your eyes to your lips and back up again, tightening his pinky around yours. "I won't break this one."
"Good," you breathe out right before Spencer's lips crash against yours.
You kiss him back, breaking your hand away from his and pushing your fingers through his hair. Spencer's hands rest on your knees and he groans as you tug gently on his hair. His tongue slips in your mouth and his hands move to your waist, squeezing gently as his lips move against yours. Both of your faces are still wet from tears—hell, you might both still be crying. But you don't really care—Spencer's here. Finally.
Breaking the kiss, he moves up the bed and you push him on his back, straddling him. His arms wrap around you, running up your back slowly. Your hands run through his hair, pulling back to look him in the eyes. His hazel eyes search yours, and you push your lips back to his, fingers working at the buttons on his shirt. He pulls at your tank top, and you break the kiss to take it off before he kisses you again, hands moving to cup your face, fingers running through your hair. Finishing with the final button, you open his shirt, running your hands down Spencer's slightly toned chest.
You kiss across his jaw to his neck, leaving small kisses, sucking lightly. Not hard enough to leave a mark, though. Spencer groans as you move down his chest to his stomach, your nails raking down his stomach as you kiss down it. You get to his pants and unbutton them, tugging them down and off. You eye the large bulge in his boxer briefs, palming it lightly. Spencer groans, both of his hands moving to your hair, pulling it away from your face.
You pull his underwear down and off, tossing them on the floor before returning to the spot between his legs. You wrap your hand around the base of his dick, licking up the underside and swirling your tongue around it. Spencer holds eye contact with you as you take the tip in your mouth, tongue running over it. Spencer moans softly, his grip tightening in your hair. You begin taking him in your mouth, inch by inch, watching Spencer's eyes flutter shut and the back of his head hit the bed.
You bob your head up and down his length, Spencer's small groans leaving his mouth almost like music. You push yourself deeper each time, wanting to see how much you can take.
Like Spencer had said before—you like acing things.
You gag softly as his dick hits the back of your throat, forcing yourself to push deeper, holding yourself down on his dick. Spencer groans, and your eyes flick up to meet his. You continue this pattern for a couple minutes, tears springing at the corners of your eyes as you continue to take him deep. You can hear Spencer's moans getting increasingly louder, and after a few more minutes, you pull his dick out of your mouth, your lips trailing up his stomach and chest before returning to his face. You make eye contact as you grin at him.
"I'm a little bit more experienced now, too."
He grins before kissing you hungrily, flipping you onto your back. One of his hands moves to cup your breasts, his fingers pulling and pinching your nipples softly. You moan into his mouth, back arching as he plays with your nipples, his teeth biting your bottom lip softly. Eventually, he pulls away, hooking his fingers in the waistband of your shorts and panties, pulling them both off you in one swift motion.
Spencer kisses up your stomach, swirling his tongue across one of your nipples before returning to your mouth, kissing you softly. His lips move against yours slowly, and your arms wrap around his neck, pulling him closer to you. Pulling back, he laughs breathlessly.
"Do you have a condom?"
You shake your head, laughing. "No." Your face flushes a bright red, embarrassed.
Spencer's eyes search yours. "Are you, uh—"
"I'm still on birth control, brainiac." You play with his hair, his hand cupping your cheek.
He blushes softly. "I'm clean," he whispers.
"Me, too," you whisper back.
Spencer looks down at you, something flashing through his eyes. You haven't seen that since the day he told you goodbye—and you still can't describe what it is. He leans down, pressing his lips against yours softly, and you feel him run his dick along your slit before slowly pushing himself inside of you.
You moan into his mouth, Spencer pulling away, his hazel eyes looking into yours with his lips parted. You push his hair out of his face, letting out another small moan as he bottoms out in you, his own soft groan slipping past his lips. You pull him back to your lips, kissing him deeply. He begins thrusting in and out of you slowly, and you clench around him, causing Spencer to moan into your mouth.
Your grip tightens in his hair as he pulls back, trying to catch his breath. You catch his eye, tugging on his hair.
"Faster," you breathe out, Spencer obeying, beginning to fuck you faster and deeper.
He groans, his hand moving to rest around your neck. Your breath hitches in your throat, your pulse escalating, and his looks into your eyes, a small smirk playing on his face.
"Do you like that, Ace?"
You moan softly, Spencer's lips attaching to your jaw, kissing back up to your lips. You wrap your legs around his hips, pulling him closer to you. One of your hands moves from his hair to your clit, and you begin rubbing it in circles in time with his thrusts, causing you to clench around him again.
You break the kiss, and Spencer's other hand cups the side of your face, trailing his thumb across your cheek. He pants softly, and you feel yourself teetering on the edge of your orgasm. He feels your pussy tighten around him and his eyes flutter shut for a moment before he opens them again.
"That's right, be a good girl, Ace. Come for me."
Your lips part as you come, your legs shaking slightly as your pussy throbs around his dick. Your back arches, your eyes fluttering shut as you feel ecstasy run through your body. Spencer removes his hand from your throat, moving it to grip your hair as he rests his forehead in the crook of your neck. He moans against your skin, and you remove your hand from your clit, moving it to his back, a sheen of sweat covering it.
His thrusts falter, and you know he's close. He tries to muffle his moans by sucking at the skin of your neck, but you feel them vibrate against your skin. You feel his dick twitch inside of you and he bottoms out in you again, holding his throbbing dick inside of you as he finishes. After a minute, he lifts his head up, moving his lips back to yours. He kisses you softly before leaning his forehead against yours. He's sweaty, and you push the hair out of his face, smiling softly up at him.
He kisses you again before pulling out of you. You sit up, trying to catch your breath as you watch him walk into the bathroom. He comes back out a couple moments later with toilet paper, sitting on the edge of the bed and cleaning you up between your thighs. You give him a small smile before getting up to go pee. When you walk back into your room, Spencer's pulling on his clothes.
"Spencer," you whisper, picking up your shorts and tank top, slipping them on.
"What?" He asks, pulling his boxer briefs back on.
"Stay."
He searches your eyes for a moment before nodding. "Okay."
You slip underneath the covers, Spencer lying down beside you. You reach over and turn off the lamp, lying on your side, facing away from Spencer. After a couple minutes, you feel him shift in the bed, throwing his arm over you. He pulls you against him, his chin resting on the top of your head. For the first time in a long time, you don't feel the hole in your heart. You don't feel fractured or broken. You feel whole.
You close your eyes, completely and utterly exhausted, falling asleep in the arms of your best friend.
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Author's Note
How many times did I cry while writing this chapter? I don't even know. It was a lot.
I wanted to make their first time after nine years (technically their second time together but still), less kinky and more wholesome. More romantic.
Thank you for all the support on this fic, I love y'all so much. Your comments and reads and votes amaze me. <3
I hope you enjoyed this chapter :)