There is an entire conversation about self harm/ abuse. The mentions of it are VERY brief, but the conversation is geared towards it. Just a warning if any of y'all need it
"Hey Damian" CJ said and I nodded and looked up at him from my phone. I leaned back into my locker and waited for him to speak. "Can we talk" he asked me and I furrowed my eyebrows, confused, but I nodded anyways. He grabbed the chair that was beside me and he pulled it to be in front of me.
"What's up" I asked him as I tossed my phone in my bag to show that he had my full attention. He hesitated before finally speaking.
"You don't still cut right" he asked me and my whole body tensed up as he asked the question. I glanced down at my wrists and then put my hands in the pocket of my hoodie.
"How do you know" I asked him softly and he shrugged.
"I just looked" he said and I raised my eyebrows. "Not that I suspected it or anything, I just noticed one day" he added.
"Oh" I said softly and he gave me a soft smile.
"You wanna talk" he asked me and I sighed and stood up.
"Not really" I said as I grabbed my gym bag off the floor and attempted to leave but he caught my hand as I was walking away.
"I'm here if you wanna talk" He said and I nodded before I jerked my hand out from his and walked out. He can't learn that about me. It'll change how he thinks of me, and I like what we have right now. I don't want him to start judging me like everyone else has, I just want our friendship to be normal and for him to look at me as a normal human. Something deep down inside of me was telling me something different though. Something was telling me to tell him, to trust him with the secrets that I've never told anyone. That something inside of me was telling me that he would keep them and not tell anyone. I let myself debate on what to do all the way to my house. I didn't have much time to decide anymore when I heard a car pull into my drive way, and when I looked back I recognized it as CJ's. He got out and jogged to the door so that he could come in with me.
"Hey" I said softly as he stood beside me waiting for me to open the door. "I kinda brushed you off earlier and it was kinda a shitty thing for me to do. You were just trying to help." I said and he smiled.
"You don't have to talk about it or anything" he said "if your not comfortable with it." he added and I smiled.
"I have to tell someone" I said with a soft hint of laughter in my voice. "So I guess your the lucky person I chose." I added before realizing what I had said, and when I did it hit me hard. I was about to tell him something that I've never told anyone before.
"Ugh I hate being that person" he said sarcastically and I smiled. I opened the door and motioned for him to walk in. I felt my posture change from relaxed to tense as I sat down on the sofa and he sat down in the chair diagonal from me. "So" he said slowly and I smiled. "You wanna talk" he questioned and I chewed on my lip for a few seconds before answering.
"I don't know" I finally said "I thought that telling you was a good idea cause I could finally get it off my chest and tell someone, but I don't know about that anymore."
"Finally" he questioned and I nodded softly.
"Yeah" I said slowly "I've never talked about it to anyone before." he nodded and leaned back into the chair.
"Ok" he said "well, I'll be a good listener." I sighed and looked down at the ground before looking back up at him. All the memories that I tried to forget about came flooding back as I was deciding what to tell him and what not to tell him. I knew the pain was already written all over my face, he didn't need to say it, I knew. I've gotten that comment to many times before.
"It was a while ago" I said and he nodded. "It doesn't matter now anyways." I looked back down at the ground, regretting ever deciding to tell him.
"Clearly it still does" he said softly and I sighed.
"Yeah your right" I finally said after a moment of silence. "I just don't like thinking about it."
"Well tell me about it" he suggested "then you don't have to think about it cause your not the only one who would know."
"It's a lot" I said and he shrugged.
"So" he said "I've got nothing to do all night but listen, no matter how long what you have to say is." My heart skipped a beat when he said that. Did he really mean it? Would he really want to listen to me talk all night? I didn't know he cared about me in that type of way. I'm just being stupid, he doesn't care about me how I think he does, and he definitely doesn't care about me how I care about him. He'd never love me, especially now that I'm about to tell him about my problems.
"Oh" I said softly before I sighed and then shrugged. "I just had a bad relationship. That's really all."
"That's seems pretty short to me" he said as he slightly raised my eyebrows and I nodded.
"Yeah that's the short version." I said and he smiled.
"I want the long one" he said and I sighed.
"They just easily manipulated me because they knew I'd allow them do whatever and they kind beat me down mentally" I said and he looked down at the ground as I talked. "I got in the habit of cutting, and I need to quit, I've just been doing it for so long that I can't. I make sure to only have a few cuts at one though" I said softly and he looked up at me with sympathetic eyes. He doesn't even know the start. I didn't intend on telling him all of it though, just the most recent parts.
"It's not a habit" he said softly and I glanced over at him. "It's kinda like a drug, you do it once and it makes you feel good and takes all your pain away so you keep doing. In reality it's only adding more pain, but you don't realize it. But doing drugs isn't a habit, it's just something you do, and I've known a lot of people who quit" he said and I nodded looked back down at the floor. I didn't have to face him that way, I didn't have to see his face and watch it change as he judged me.
"I just can't" I said and he nodded.
"I know" he said and I looked up at him. "Not saying I've gone through what your going through, I'm just saying you have so much good in your life that once you can see that and realize that you'll be ashamed that you even thought harming yourself was a solution."
"How is everything perfect for you" I asked him softly and he sighed.
"It's not Dame" he said. "My life is definitely not perfect."
"Your always so happy and carefree like nothing can go wrong" I said and he smiled.
"That's just how I act Damian, life's better when you can see the good in it through all the shit that isn't" he said and I didn't respond. "Not saying you don't" I added quickly "that's just how I think."
"I know" I said softly "my life has just been a continuing cycle of things that fuck up my life." He nodded and then smile a little.
"Hopefully you don't think that of me" he said and I smiled.
"I definitely don't" I said. I don't think that at all, if anything he's the one good thing that's happened to me in a long time.
"Is that all" he asked me softly "is that your long story" he said and he drug out the long and I smiled.
"Kinda" I said "there's just a lot of emotions involved so there's not much to talk about." He tried to push away the smile that tugged on his lips but he failed and finally smiled.
"I'm sorry" he said "I'm not smiling at that, I'm just smiling cause you've clearly never talked to someone about something like this and it's cute."
"It is" I questioned and I immediately mentally slapped myself. Why would I ask that? Now he's gonna think I'm weird cause I care that he thinks that something I do is cute. "Like is it obvious" I corrected myself before he could reply.
"Yeah" he said softly. "Usually if someone talking to me about something that has affected them in this type of way they just spill it all and cry."
"I don't cry around people" I said "well as long as I don't get to deep into the story then I won't cry."
"Why" he asked me and I shrugged.
"I just taught myself not to" I said "whenever I did he...." I started to say but I trailed off. CJ raised his eyebrows and I laughed a nervous laugh. "I just don't like to" I said and he nodded.
"He what" CJ asked me and I shrugged.
"He would just get mad when I would cry" I said and CJ nodded, encouraging me to go on. "He didn't like it and said it made me weak." I fiddled my thumbs together trying to decide wether to keep going or not. "He kinda got rough about it and it made it worse when I'd cry so I've learned not to" I said softly.
"Hey" he said softly and I glanced up at him. "You know you can cry around me right. I'm not gonna judge you or anything like that and I'm definitely not gonna hurt you Damian. You shouldn't be afraid to just be you around me, and whatever emotions come with being you then I'll learn what to do with them, but I'm never gonna do anything to make you feel bad about being yourself or letting yourself go a little." I didn't really know what to say so I just nodded.
"I haven't felt that way about someone in a long time" I said. "I really loved him, well you know how that works. You think you love them but they don't love you and it's a constant back and forth battle."
"Yeah" he said and I sighed and looked down at the ground.
"It's kinda stupid think about how I could ever love someone like that now cause there's a lot of different people in my life who make me think differently." I blinked a few times after watching the tear from my eyes fall and hit the ground.
"There's a lot more to this that you really just don't want to talk about" he stated and I nodded.
"Yeah" I said softly and he nodded. "Maybe one day" I said softly "there's just a lot of things that I can't tell you."
"Why not" he asked me and I shrugged.
"I don't know CJ" I said softly "I just can't. I haven't even fully accepted some of them myself, and most of them shaped me into who I am today and a lot of times I wonder what I would be like without them, so it just messed with my mind."
"Whenever you feel like it you can talk to me about it" he said and I nodded.
"I know CJ" I said and he smiled a little.
"At least I got you to talk" he said with a smile "it may not have been as in depth or what I was expecting but at least you talked a little." I nodded and then smiled a little.
"What were you expecting" I asked him and he laughed.
"I don't know" he said "something about why you cut and the whole story behind it and then me trying to get you to stop crying."
"That will most likely never happen when your talking to me" I said with a hint of laughter in my voice.
"I figured" he said and then he smiled again. "I definitely wasn't expecting us to be laughing."
"I wasn't either" I admired and he chuckled.
"Your so different from anyone I've ever known" he said and I glanced at him then down at my hands. "In so many good ways" he added quietly and my heart rate started to get increasingly faster.
Hey Y'all! Hope y'all liked these 3 parts. IDK why but I always feel I need to have someone life be a mess, so this time I picked Damian's lol. It's going to be a lot longer till the next 3 are published because school is really starting to pick up and I don't have much time anymore.
Anyways, feel free to vote/ comment if you want to!